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as_sporkive2024-03-06 08:44 am
pangolin20) wrote in as_sporkive2024-03-06 08:44 am
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BattleAxe Sporking: Parts Nine and Ten
theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-01-27 16:36:00
MOOD:
annoyedMUSIC: V for Vendetta Soundtrack
BattleAxe Sporking: Parts Nine and Ten
Meanwhile Faraday and the others are still in the barrow, which is pretty stark. Jack exposits about how there are twenty-six Icarii Kings, or “Talons” entombed down here. Wondering why the Icarii rulers are called that? Well go on wondering, because this will never be explained. (And no, the Icarii don’t have actual talons). Many of the Talons were also Enchanters, apparently. But there’s no sign of any tombs. Faraday asks about that, and is told that there’s this thing called the Star Gate.
…no, not that Stargate.
Anyone who goes down to the Star Gate is called a StarFarer, and every Icarii Enchanter has the word “Star” somewhere in his or her name because the Icarii honour the stars and that’s where they get most of their magic from. Everybody got that?
To get out, they’re going to have to go by the Star Gate. Faraday asks if it’s dangerous, Timozel asks what the thing even is and gets rudely blown off, and Yr launches into even more exposition. I liked her better when she was a cat. Apparently there are no bodies down here because every barrow has a staircase leading to the Star Gate, and each dead Enchanter would eventually go down there and through the gate. Wait, what? How do they do that if they’re dead? Are they zombies?
For some reason Faraday doesn’t ask how the hell that works, instead cooing over how beautiful the whole arrangement is. Not really the word I’d use. I’d be much more inclined to use the word “creepy”. Timozel asks about the zombie Enchanter thing but is brushed off with a “who knows” and Jack says they should get going.
Faraday checks out Jack’s staff (I mean his walking staff, pervs), and then Jack does a big dramatic gesture with it and yells “Ecrez dontai StarFarer!” So apparently this is another one of those stories where you yell a string of made-up words to make Magic happen.
A hidden staircase opens up and they all go down it. Eventually they get tired and stop for a rest, and Timozel nods off and has a brief dream where he’s riding on some large animal but it’s not a horse. Then he dreams about being in command of a vast army, and wakes up sourly reflecting that that’s never going to happen while Axis is around. He sleeps some more and has another dream about laying waste to his enemies, while a voice whispers about great victories and his name living on in legend forever. Timozel concludes that this must be a vision from Artor and feels pretty great about it.
Finally they get to the bottom of the stairs and start seeing blue glowing light. Jack warns them all that the Star Gate is very beautiful and will try to tempt them through, and if they do go through they’ll never come back.
The Gate turns out to be in a big chamber lined with statues of winged men. The Gate itself is set into the floor and looks like a pool, but when Faraday looks into it it’s full of stars and planets and such. She has a bit of a cry because it’s so beautiful, and the word “interstellar” pops up.
No, not that Interstellar.She’s tempted to go through but Jack stops her, saying only a really powerful Enchanter could survive and one day the Icarii will produce one powerful enough to go through there and come back.
Finally it’s time to move on – there are other tunnels leading out which go to different places – and Faraday asks why the Enchanters are depicted as having wings and what it symbolises. Jack rolls his eyes and says it doesn’t symbolise anything and that the Icarii are “winged people”. Noooo, really? I never would have guessed.
By the way, I found this fanart of Axis drawn after he gets his super duper powers. I don’t know about you, but even the artwork screams “Sue”. He just looks so… generic. Flowing blond locks, pet eagle, glowing eyes, cloak… I could be looking at any Hero character from any piece of cheesy fantasy art from the Seventies. It really just helps to illustrate – pun very much intended – how very uninspired this trilogy is.
In the next chapter, Faraday and the others… climb some stairs. They enjoy it about as much as I’m enjoying this book, which by the way is now getting on for the halfway point. The author describes the trek for several pages, and none of it is interesting. Timozel sticks close by Faraday and is nice to her, everyone’s thirsty, the tunnel is leading them somewhere far away from the barrows, and again, everyone’s thirsty.
Eventually Timozel uses his axe which he shouldn’t have any more to hack an entrance for them. Predictably both Faraday and Yr are “terrified” and have to be hauled to safety. Because they’re women. *eyeroll*
For some godsforsaken reason they’re rejoined by Jacks’ pigs, who he calls his “treasures”. Ick.
They all need food (and Yr needs to put some damn clothes on). Jack says there’s a place a few “leagues” away where they can get supplies, but they won’t be able to get there anytime soon and Faraday will just have to get used to walking. Angst ensues. (No, I don’t know why they don’t just kill one of the pigs and have a nice spit-roast).
By the way, did you remember Faraday’s mother died violently before her eyes maybe a day ago? Because like most fantasy protagonists she seems to have forgotten all about it and isn’t the slightest bit traumatised. Grief and PTSD? What's that?
They stop to rest for a couple of hours, and Timozel has a shave. For the second time Faraday reflects that he looks older and more sure of himself now (do I even need to mention that this is told, not shown?). Cut to Yr, who basically just reiterates what Faraday already told us, thereby rendering the clunky POV switch completely pointless.
The four of them slog across a place called the Plains of Arcness for several more boring pages. Blah blah, descriptions of landscapes, blah blah nothing is happening. Even more boring uneventful journeying follows. Naturally Yr and Faraday are both wilting flowers by the end, fainting from exhaustion, woe is them, etc. Because they’re women. And as we all know, women can’t cope with pain or tiredness. Which is why all the childbirth is done by men these days.
After what feels like several years they arrive at a farm owned by “Goodman and Goodwife Renkin”. In a scene which is entirely dictated rather than shown (not that it’s remotely important, I suppose, but pretty much everything in this book is told rather than shown) the “Goodwife” fetches food and blankets. Then Faraday has a dream where she’s in a beautiful forest, suckling a baby. The same deer-headed man Axis saw in one of his dreams shows up, presumably in his “brief” loincloth, and Faraday tells him she wants to stay here forever. Deer Head says she’ll return one day, and when she does she can stay. The trees start to vanish and Faraday gets all upset. Sigh… I’ve had dreams I never wanted to end, too.
None of them involved babies, though. I prefer the dreams where I’m one of my characters and I get to do cool things and escape from being my boring old self for a while. The flying dreams are also fun- what?
Oh, right – I got bored and started wandering off the point again. Sorry.
Meanwhile Timozel is also dreaming, but the author unhelpfully informs us that his dream is a lot more “unsettling”. I’m sure this couldn’t possibly have been gotten across in a more graceful or natural manner. He finds himself walking along an ice tunnel wearing only his trousers for some reason, and he’s scared. In fact the author charmingly informs us that he’s close to shitting himself. He finds a door and a voice on the other side calls to him to “come”. He almost does, but chickens out at the last minute. End dream.
I wish the author could think of a less clichéd way of putting in foreshadowing and character development than resorting to the tired old “prophetic dream sequence” trope. Alas, this is not to be.
And can anyone guess what is ultimately going to happen to Timozel? Go on, you’ll never guess.
Part Ten
Unfortunately, the next chapter finds us still with Faraday. She gives us a very long description of the farmhouse, which is apparently “almost bare of furniture”… except for the very long list of furniture which is then described. We now learn that wood actually is a rare commodity in Achar or Tecendor or whatever this place is called, and that the Man allows a few plantations to supply it.
As you’d expect Faraday is served the cliché hot soup and bread you always get in scenes like this one, and has a chat with the “Goodwife”. The Goodwife gets a lot of description, so she’s probably important. Out of nowhere the Goodwife (no, I’m afraid she doesn’t have an actual name. She’s just a Wifey Wife like Katrina) blurts
out that Faraday is “so beautiful”.
Gosh, I’m getting this strange feeling that Faraday is good-looking. It could be because the author has someone bang on about it on every other page. Or maybe I’m psychic.
An obnoxious infodump ensues, courtesy of a mid-scene POV jump, and we’re informed that the Wifey Wife has never seen a noblewoman before and that the women she knows are all weatherbeaten and such thanks to working on the farm. I’m sorry, but how is this relevant? What does it add to the story?
Oh, that’s right – nothing. Author’s just showing off her knowledge of Medieval times again. Pointlessly. Look, I know you’re well-informed about time period, Ms Douglass, but there’s a time and place for everything, and this isn’t it.
Faraday asks politely if they can have some clothes, and a gold necklace appears right out of nowhere just so she can offer it as payment. Clearly the author didn’t know about the Law of Chekov’s Gun, which among other things states that objects that will have a use later in the story have to be established beforehand. If they appear just when the character needs them, it’s just clunky and annoyingly convenient. (Who wants to bet we’ll get a “oh, it’s too much to pay!” “No, I insist” scene later on?).
Faraday and Yr have a wash and change of clothes outside, then rejoin the others. Jack has reverted to his “retard” persona, and Faraday thinks about what a good actor he is and how pretending to be an idiot makes everyone trust him.
Maybe it’s just me, but I find idiots insanely irritating, not trustworthy. Also, at the risk of insensitivity toward the mentally handicapped, people with such issues are perfectly capable of becoming violent and dangerous, usually in situations where they don’t know how else to express themselves.
We get a long description of Timozel, who’s looking rather solemn, and the Goodwife thinks about how handsome he is. Fucking hell, is everyone in this story super duper attractive or what?
Well the Goodwife ain’t – she’s, GASP, fat! Something the author reminds us of when she bows to Timozel and it’s described as inelegant because yo mama so fat.
*sigh*
Timozel goes off to have a wash as well, and we get a not-cliché-at-all scene in which Yr spies on his naked body and waxes lyrical about how hawt he is (Okay, I GET IT) and how she wants to have Teh Secks with him. He sees her but isn’t embarrassed, and for the fourth time we’re informed that seeing the StargateAtlantis has changed him in some nebulous way. Yr starts coming onto him, by which I mean she starts licking his chest, tasting the sweat and soap.
May I remind you, until recently Yr was a CAT. So now I’m picturing a cat doing this, and it’s all kinds of nasty. Also, why isn’t she spitting in disgust if she just licked up soap suds? Does the author not know how awful that shit tastes?
Timozel is totally into it, which we find out via a – sigh – POV jump. Then, yawn, they have sex. It’s one of the least erotic sex scenes I’ve ever read, and seems to have been put in there just because the author felt like it.
The two of them come back looking pleased with themselves, and just as I predicted Faraday trades the necklace for a mule to ride and some other supplies while the two country bumpkins marvel over how much it’s worth and how they can buy a team of oxen and a dozen other things with it, and keep apologising because it’s worth more than anything they have to offer, etc. etc. I wish some random chick would come to my house and give me treasure in exchange for a few sandwiches. I wouldn’t let on about being overpaid either. I’m smart enough to know it when I’m getting the better end of the deal.
In the next chapter we cut back to Axis, and I’m not sure if I should be relieved or groaning at the prospect of having to spend more time with the stupid jackass. At least Faraday is a relatively nice person most of the time. Axis on the other hand…
Axis reports the apparent death of Faraday to the nobles he was supposed to leave her with, in a scene we don’t get to see even though it could have been interesting and an opportunity for Axis to show some goddamn humility for once. But nope; instead we just get boring travelling descriptions of the sort that’s so far taken up about a quarter of this wretched book.
Yadda yadda, Axis has emotions about this and that, dictated as usual, and remains highly suspicious of Ogden and Veremund. We’re told he likes Belial a lot, but the guy sucks at playing the harp. So Axis takes it from him and sings a poorly written “ballad”:
This winter’s weather, it waxeth cold,
And frost it freezeth on every hill
And Artor blows his blasts so bold
That all our cattle are like to spill
Belle my wife, she loves no strife
She said unto me quietly
Rise up and save Cow Crumbocke’s life!
Man! Put thy cloak about thee!
I’ve seen worse, but it’s so very boring and lacking in spirit (and it has about six freaking verses, all of which we’re obliged to read). Ten bucks says Icarii songs are way better (in case you haven’t guessed, the Icarii are basically Paolini elves with wings).
Finally some guy called Baldwin comes over to talk with Axis about the Prophecy. Apparently just about everyone knows it now, and in fact, can’t seem to get it out of their heads. Lest this create an interesting mystery for the reader to speculate about, a POV jump to Ogden immediately explains that the Prophecy is enchanted so it’s impossible to forget, except for the third verse.
Thanks for stripping away any possibility of suspense, author. You wouldn’t want me to get interested in the story, after all. I’m also wondering what the point of this enchantment is. What purpose does making it impossible to forget serve? I would have thought only the – groan – Chosen One would need to know it. What use is it to anyone else?
Baldwin and some other guy we haven’t seen before speculate that the attacks in the North are being caused by Gorgrael and that they need to find this StarMan guy to stop him. I swear, that name just gets goofier every time I read it.
Belial interrupts, asking Axis what he’s playing. He realises he’s been absent-mindedly strumming a tune on the harp – a tune he’s never played before which is unlike any song he’s ever heard, which is just so alien. How is it alien? It just is, okay? Stop asking inconvenient questions.
Axis goes off by himself to do more Hero Brooding™. He wangsts about his father and thinks about how Magic Is Evil. Apparently it’s so Evil that he himself has arrested multiple healer women for practising witchcraft and the Seneschal had them all burned. He feels no guilt whatsoever about this.
Now another Sue trait rears its ugly head, as it emerges that Axis never actually learned to sing and play the harp; he was just magically fantastic at it from the moment he tried it. “More skillful than the court bards”, in fact. And nobody thought this was at all weird or suspicious?
But this isn’t just any music, you see. It’s magic music. Maaagic. *waggles fingers*
Now Axis moves on to wangsting about Faraday and Timozel and their apparent deaths. We learn that he’s a serial womaniser who uses “charm” to get women into bed. What charm? So far he’s been a rude jackass to everyone he’s spoken to, and he treats women like idiots. What is he, a Medieval Pickup Artist?
But – sob! – he’s never been In Love! He won’t let himself fall In Love because it’s just too painful and there are “barriers around his heart”, sob! And just for a little while he thought Faraday might be the one to change that! Sob sob, melodrama, sob. He also reflects on whether he just kissed her because he liked the idea of stealing her from Borneheld, and how Borneheld totally hurt his poor little feelings by flaunting his new fiancee, because Axis could never hope to marry a beautiful noblewoman like Faraday.
No-one feels sorry for you, Axis. Trust me.
Belial shows up and tells him not to blame himself for the storm killing all those guys. Axis “nobly” insists that its was totally his fault, and the incident is referred to as the first “serious military defeat Axis had ever suffered”. I’d hardly call what appeared to be a natural disaster a “military” anything, but at least the author points this out further down the page.
Finally Axis asks Belial what it was he played just now, and Belial answers that it’s not important because “only bards and pregnant women need never explain their actions”. And there’s another lovely subtle little dig at women right there.
In a moment that instantly reminds me of Brisingr, Axis praises Belial’s eloquence and says he should be a diplomat. This moment is only funny if you’re doing what I’m doing and picturing the guy as Belial the giant bug monster from The Woven Path by Robin Jarvis.
This whole trilogy is criminally underrated if you ask me.Then out of nowhere, another storm shows up. Oe Noes! Axis runs back to camp and yells at everyone to dig themselves in right now. He then yells at Ogden, saying he’d claimed Gorgrael was too weak to send another storm and obviously that was wrong, so what use is he? That’s our Axis, always finding someone to act out on when things don’t go his way. Why does anyone even like this asshole? He’s like an even douchier version of Roran.
Veremund points out that the storm is weak, and Gorgrael is just trying to scare them. Axis, “snarling” yet again, gets everyone to hunker down but stays upright himself. The storm glows over him and he starts to feel alone and scared and such. He hears a creepy voice again. Typically, Gorgrael isn’t very articulate. In fact he mostly just says “pretty, pretty” and “tasty, tasty” over and over again, which just makes him sound like a fucking toddler.
Apparently the Fear Mist is affecting everyone else as well, but Axis makes everyone get up and tells them to start partying. He grabs his harp and keeps singing that stupid song about the cow from before. Ogden and Veremund have a pointless mini consultation about how this song is better than one of the magic ones he could have played, because it will hearten the men or some junk like that.
We’re informed that some of the men had been “on the edge of madness” just like Axis (this of course was never remotely shown), but then everyone starts singing the song like we’re in an episode of the Care Bears, and the Fear Mist goes away. Naturally of course, Axis’ voice is the “sweetest”, because even now we have to be reminded who the Sue is here.
End chapter and everyone’s okay. Hooray.
13 comments
ghostwyvern
January 27 2018, 18:27:05
Zombie angels, (more) misogyny, and prophetic dreams, with a topping of Sue. And... this is popular, why again?
Oh don't get me wrong, I know all kinds of things were popular in the 70s and 80s that today's audiences wouldn't care for. But this is kind of absurd, even for the time. I'm wondering now, was the author maybe middle-aged or older when she wrote these books? The attitudes toward gender seem to hail from an older generation...
theepistler
January 28 2018, 11:17:12
I think the author was leaning toward middle-aged when she wrote it, yeah. If nothing else there's a definite "older woman wish fulfillment" subtext going on what with all the stupid teen romance and the waxing lyrical about how beautiful/handsome everyone is. I'm reminded of Twilight.
cmdrnemo
January 27 2018, 19:03:09
Sorry I kept drifting in and out. Dreams about flying are the best.
So the soup thing. According to my, very limited, sources. Back in ye olden times human excrement was used as fertilizer. This is fine. But, any plants grown that way need to be boiled for at least 5 minutes before eating. This includes lettuce. Which is insane. Boiled lettuce is just... In those days all anyone ever ate was stew, or soup.
Even if you had to pack a lunch. It was dehydrated stew. Just add water and boil for 5 minutes. Truly the worst time in all of history. No wonder everyone was dead by 40. Risk aversion goes right out the window if all you ever eat is soup.
In similar ye olden times the milkmaids were famously the most beautiful women around. Because Cow Pox and Small Pox were things. And Cow Pox did not leave you looking like a 50 year old meth head by the time you were 17. It's always a little disappointing when noblewomen who've been travelling and haven't had time to cover themselves with face rotting makeup and stickers are called out as insanely good looking by people who don't normally wear face rotting makeup and stickers.
Having to include the word "Star" into the name of every enchanter is going to result in a lot of idiot hippy super hero names, and Tony Stark. I was going to come up with examples of the stupid. But, the worst I could think of was "StarMan." So I guess the author saw that coming and ran with it.
When someone walks by a Star Gate and it changes them forever in a deep and meaningful way. I blame the Goa'uld. Maybe you shouldn't have let the alien snake thing crawl into your brain. Of course you weren't using it. So whatever.
The ghost of a toddler attacks the axis of stupid and the demon prince of lies. Who respond by emulating the Care Bears. All on the edge of madness in the heart of a storm. The storm made of mist and light breezes. Cool. Cool cool cool. I'm just going to check my legit threat-o-meter here. Current reading: basically Swiper, tell him to stop in a firm voice. Yep, worthy foe for this lot.
theepistler
January 28 2018, 11:20:07 Edited: January 28 2018, 11:21:07
Having to include the word "Star" into the name of every enchanter is going to result in a lot of idiot hippy super hero names
Yup. Actual examples include RiverStar, WolfStar, MorningStar and DragonStar. How are we supposed to be taking this book seriously again? But as you say, "StarMan" is still by far the worst. Which is unfortunate because we'll be hearing it a LOT.
I'm just going to check my legit threat-o-meter here.
That's one scary villain, hey? The reading on the Tension-o-Meter is off the charts!
Ann Pszczola
April 4 2018, 09:31:47
those sound like Warrior cat names.
theepistler
April 4 2018, 09:47:08
Hahah, so true. (Yes, I've read those books).
hergrim
January 28 2018, 08:20:53
Naturally Yr and Faraday are both wilting flowers by the end, fainting from exhaustion, woe is them, etc. Because they’re women. And as we all know, women can’t cope with pain or tiredness. Which is why all the childbirth is done by men these days.
Faraday I can accept, as she seems like a coddled noblewoman and wouldn't have any serious endurance or pain tolerance. Yr, on the other hand, should be far more capable, unless she was a chubby kitty.
Well the Goodwife ain’t – she’s, GASP, fat! Something the author reminds us of when she bows to Timozel and it’s described as inelegant because yo mama so fat.
*sigh*
And this is just after the author has gone to great lengths to talk about the effects of the harsh peasant's life on a body? The Goodwife might be stout, but unless they're large landowners, she probably won't be fat.
Now Axis moves on to wangsting about Faraday and Timozel and their apparent deaths. We learn that he’s a serial womaniser who uses “charm” to get women into bed. What charm? So far he’s been a rude jackass to everyone he’s spoken to, and he treats women like idiots. What is he, a Medieval Pickup Artist?
Some very dark part of my mind says that "Charm" is the name of his dagger, but I'm guessing his weapon of choice is more likely excessive alcohol and a secluded location.
theepistler
January 28 2018, 14:27:34
Faraday I can accept, as she seems like a coddled noblewoman and wouldn't have any serious endurance or pain tolerance. Yr, on the other hand, should be far more capable, unless she was a chubby kitty.
I might have been less annoyed if it had actually said something like "Faraday had never walked any great distance before, etc.", but it doesn't. Instead it just implies that the two poor little wimmen are weak and pathetic and need to be taken care of.
Some very dark part of my mind says that "Charm" is the name of his dagger, but I'm guessing his weapon of choice is more likely excessive alcohol and a secluded location.
I think the problem is that the author wants us to believe Axis is this really charismatic guy who just happens to have a forceful personality/bad temper. But it just doesn't work because he's not written as the least bit charismatic - not only is he a huge jerk, but he's also completely uninteresting. If he took me out for dinner I'd be bored with his company before the first course arrived.
hergrim
January 28 2018, 17:58:52
Ah. Yeah, that does paint a rather different picture. I'm guessing there's some internalised misogyny at play.
Axis seems like the kind of guy who would talk endlessly about his hobbies and not let his date say anything.
theepistler
January 28 2018, 20:29:55
Honestly, the worst misogyny I've ever seen has almost always come from other women. We're a self-destructive lot, apparently.
torylltales
January 28 2018, 21:38:40
T_T I'm not sure what is worse about that "ballad", the terrible rhythm, or the painful misuse of Old English-isms. No, adding -eth to all your verbs does not Old English maketh.
And now I can't stop imagining a bunch of cows standing on their hind legs, clumsily trying to hold mugs of coffee in their forehooves, but spilling it everywhere.
theepistler
January 28 2018, 21:43:22
Plus can you imagineth actually singing that? Forsooth, it haseth no rhythmeth!
torylltales
January 29 2018, 07:26:20 Edited: January 29 2018, 07:27:03
Verily, sangeth Axis-eth,
Mine rhythm is dopeth.
Though rhymes be forcedeth,
And metre forsakeneth,
Author Saideth So, thereforeth
It is So-eth.
…no, not that Stargate.
Anyone who goes down to the Star Gate is called a StarFarer, and every Icarii Enchanter has the word “Star” somewhere in his or her name because the Icarii honour the stars and that’s where they get most of their magic from. Everybody got that?
To get out, they’re going to have to go by the Star Gate. Faraday asks if it’s dangerous, Timozel asks what the thing even is and gets rudely blown off, and Yr launches into even more exposition. I liked her better when she was a cat. Apparently there are no bodies down here because every barrow has a staircase leading to the Star Gate, and each dead Enchanter would eventually go down there and through the gate. Wait, what? How do they do that if they’re dead? Are they zombies?
For some reason Faraday doesn’t ask how the hell that works, instead cooing over how beautiful the whole arrangement is. Not really the word I’d use. I’d be much more inclined to use the word “creepy”. Timozel asks about the zombie Enchanter thing but is brushed off with a “who knows” and Jack says they should get going.
Faraday checks out Jack’s staff (I mean his walking staff, pervs), and then Jack does a big dramatic gesture with it and yells “Ecrez dontai StarFarer!” So apparently this is another one of those stories where you yell a string of made-up words to make Magic happen.
A hidden staircase opens up and they all go down it. Eventually they get tired and stop for a rest, and Timozel nods off and has a brief dream where he’s riding on some large animal but it’s not a horse. Then he dreams about being in command of a vast army, and wakes up sourly reflecting that that’s never going to happen while Axis is around. He sleeps some more and has another dream about laying waste to his enemies, while a voice whispers about great victories and his name living on in legend forever. Timozel concludes that this must be a vision from Artor and feels pretty great about it.
Finally they get to the bottom of the stairs and start seeing blue glowing light. Jack warns them all that the Star Gate is very beautiful and will try to tempt them through, and if they do go through they’ll never come back.
The Gate turns out to be in a big chamber lined with statues of winged men. The Gate itself is set into the floor and looks like a pool, but when Faraday looks into it it’s full of stars and planets and such. She has a bit of a cry because it’s so beautiful, and the word “interstellar” pops up.
No, not that Interstellar.
Finally it’s time to move on – there are other tunnels leading out which go to different places – and Faraday asks why the Enchanters are depicted as having wings and what it symbolises. Jack rolls his eyes and says it doesn’t symbolise anything and that the Icarii are “winged people”. Noooo, really? I never would have guessed.
By the way, I found this fanart of Axis drawn after he gets his super duper powers. I don’t know about you, but even the artwork screams “Sue”. He just looks so… generic. Flowing blond locks, pet eagle, glowing eyes, cloak… I could be looking at any Hero character from any piece of cheesy fantasy art from the Seventies. It really just helps to illustrate – pun very much intended – how very uninspired this trilogy is.
In the next chapter, Faraday and the others… climb some stairs. They enjoy it about as much as I’m enjoying this book, which by the way is now getting on for the halfway point. The author describes the trek for several pages, and none of it is interesting. Timozel sticks close by Faraday and is nice to her, everyone’s thirsty, the tunnel is leading them somewhere far away from the barrows, and again, everyone’s thirsty.
Eventually Timozel uses his axe which he shouldn’t have any more to hack an entrance for them. Predictably both Faraday and Yr are “terrified” and have to be hauled to safety. Because they’re women. *eyeroll*
For some godsforsaken reason they’re rejoined by Jacks’ pigs, who he calls his “treasures”. Ick.
They all need food (and Yr needs to put some damn clothes on). Jack says there’s a place a few “leagues” away where they can get supplies, but they won’t be able to get there anytime soon and Faraday will just have to get used to walking. Angst ensues. (No, I don’t know why they don’t just kill one of the pigs and have a nice spit-roast).
By the way, did you remember Faraday’s mother died violently before her eyes maybe a day ago? Because like most fantasy protagonists she seems to have forgotten all about it and isn’t the slightest bit traumatised. Grief and PTSD? What's that?
They stop to rest for a couple of hours, and Timozel has a shave. For the second time Faraday reflects that he looks older and more sure of himself now (do I even need to mention that this is told, not shown?). Cut to Yr, who basically just reiterates what Faraday already told us, thereby rendering the clunky POV switch completely pointless.
The four of them slog across a place called the Plains of Arcness for several more boring pages. Blah blah, descriptions of landscapes, blah blah nothing is happening. Even more boring uneventful journeying follows. Naturally Yr and Faraday are both wilting flowers by the end, fainting from exhaustion, woe is them, etc. Because they’re women. And as we all know, women can’t cope with pain or tiredness. Which is why all the childbirth is done by men these days.
After what feels like several years they arrive at a farm owned by “Goodman and Goodwife Renkin”. In a scene which is entirely dictated rather than shown (not that it’s remotely important, I suppose, but pretty much everything in this book is told rather than shown) the “Goodwife” fetches food and blankets. Then Faraday has a dream where she’s in a beautiful forest, suckling a baby. The same deer-headed man Axis saw in one of his dreams shows up, presumably in his “brief” loincloth, and Faraday tells him she wants to stay here forever. Deer Head says she’ll return one day, and when she does she can stay. The trees start to vanish and Faraday gets all upset. Sigh… I’ve had dreams I never wanted to end, too.
None of them involved babies, though. I prefer the dreams where I’m one of my characters and I get to do cool things and escape from being my boring old self for a while. The flying dreams are also fun- what?
Oh, right – I got bored and started wandering off the point again. Sorry.
Meanwhile Timozel is also dreaming, but the author unhelpfully informs us that his dream is a lot more “unsettling”. I’m sure this couldn’t possibly have been gotten across in a more graceful or natural manner. He finds himself walking along an ice tunnel wearing only his trousers for some reason, and he’s scared. In fact the author charmingly informs us that he’s close to shitting himself. He finds a door and a voice on the other side calls to him to “come”. He almost does, but chickens out at the last minute. End dream.
I wish the author could think of a less clichéd way of putting in foreshadowing and character development than resorting to the tired old “prophetic dream sequence” trope. Alas, this is not to be.
And can anyone guess what is ultimately going to happen to Timozel? Go on, you’ll never guess.
Part Ten
Unfortunately, the next chapter finds us still with Faraday. She gives us a very long description of the farmhouse, which is apparently “almost bare of furniture”… except for the very long list of furniture which is then described. We now learn that wood actually is a rare commodity in Achar or Tecendor or whatever this place is called, and that the Man allows a few plantations to supply it.
As you’d expect Faraday is served the cliché hot soup and bread you always get in scenes like this one, and has a chat with the “Goodwife”. The Goodwife gets a lot of description, so she’s probably important. Out of nowhere the Goodwife (no, I’m afraid she doesn’t have an actual name. She’s just a Wifey Wife like Katrina) blurts
out that Faraday is “so beautiful”.
Gosh, I’m getting this strange feeling that Faraday is good-looking. It could be because the author has someone bang on about it on every other page. Or maybe I’m psychic.
An obnoxious infodump ensues, courtesy of a mid-scene POV jump, and we’re informed that the Wifey Wife has never seen a noblewoman before and that the women she knows are all weatherbeaten and such thanks to working on the farm. I’m sorry, but how is this relevant? What does it add to the story?
Oh, that’s right – nothing. Author’s just showing off her knowledge of Medieval times again. Pointlessly. Look, I know you’re well-informed about time period, Ms Douglass, but there’s a time and place for everything, and this isn’t it.
Faraday asks politely if they can have some clothes, and a gold necklace appears right out of nowhere just so she can offer it as payment. Clearly the author didn’t know about the Law of Chekov’s Gun, which among other things states that objects that will have a use later in the story have to be established beforehand. If they appear just when the character needs them, it’s just clunky and annoyingly convenient. (Who wants to bet we’ll get a “oh, it’s too much to pay!” “No, I insist” scene later on?).
Faraday and Yr have a wash and change of clothes outside, then rejoin the others. Jack has reverted to his “retard” persona, and Faraday thinks about what a good actor he is and how pretending to be an idiot makes everyone trust him.
Maybe it’s just me, but I find idiots insanely irritating, not trustworthy. Also, at the risk of insensitivity toward the mentally handicapped, people with such issues are perfectly capable of becoming violent and dangerous, usually in situations where they don’t know how else to express themselves.
We get a long description of Timozel, who’s looking rather solemn, and the Goodwife thinks about how handsome he is. Fucking hell, is everyone in this story super duper attractive or what?
Well the Goodwife ain’t – she’s, GASP, fat! Something the author reminds us of when she bows to Timozel and it’s described as inelegant because yo mama so fat.
*sigh*
Timozel goes off to have a wash as well, and we get a not-cliché-at-all scene in which Yr spies on his naked body and waxes lyrical about how hawt he is (Okay, I GET IT) and how she wants to have Teh Secks with him. He sees her but isn’t embarrassed, and for the fourth time we’re informed that seeing the Stargate
May I remind you, until recently Yr was a CAT. So now I’m picturing a cat doing this, and it’s all kinds of nasty. Also, why isn’t she spitting in disgust if she just licked up soap suds? Does the author not know how awful that shit tastes?
Timozel is totally into it, which we find out via a – sigh – POV jump. Then, yawn, they have sex. It’s one of the least erotic sex scenes I’ve ever read, and seems to have been put in there just because the author felt like it.
The two of them come back looking pleased with themselves, and just as I predicted Faraday trades the necklace for a mule to ride and some other supplies while the two country bumpkins marvel over how much it’s worth and how they can buy a team of oxen and a dozen other things with it, and keep apologising because it’s worth more than anything they have to offer, etc. etc. I wish some random chick would come to my house and give me treasure in exchange for a few sandwiches. I wouldn’t let on about being overpaid either. I’m smart enough to know it when I’m getting the better end of the deal.
In the next chapter we cut back to Axis, and I’m not sure if I should be relieved or groaning at the prospect of having to spend more time with the stupid jackass. At least Faraday is a relatively nice person most of the time. Axis on the other hand…
Axis reports the apparent death of Faraday to the nobles he was supposed to leave her with, in a scene we don’t get to see even though it could have been interesting and an opportunity for Axis to show some goddamn humility for once. But nope; instead we just get boring travelling descriptions of the sort that’s so far taken up about a quarter of this wretched book.
Yadda yadda, Axis has emotions about this and that, dictated as usual, and remains highly suspicious of Ogden and Veremund. We’re told he likes Belial a lot, but the guy sucks at playing the harp. So Axis takes it from him and sings a poorly written “ballad”:
This winter’s weather, it waxeth cold,
And frost it freezeth on every hill
And Artor blows his blasts so bold
That all our cattle are like to spill
Belle my wife, she loves no strife
She said unto me quietly
Rise up and save Cow Crumbocke’s life!
Man! Put thy cloak about thee!
I’ve seen worse, but it’s so very boring and lacking in spirit (and it has about six freaking verses, all of which we’re obliged to read). Ten bucks says Icarii songs are way better (in case you haven’t guessed, the Icarii are basically Paolini elves with wings).
Finally some guy called Baldwin comes over to talk with Axis about the Prophecy. Apparently just about everyone knows it now, and in fact, can’t seem to get it out of their heads. Lest this create an interesting mystery for the reader to speculate about, a POV jump to Ogden immediately explains that the Prophecy is enchanted so it’s impossible to forget, except for the third verse.
Thanks for stripping away any possibility of suspense, author. You wouldn’t want me to get interested in the story, after all. I’m also wondering what the point of this enchantment is. What purpose does making it impossible to forget serve? I would have thought only the – groan – Chosen One would need to know it. What use is it to anyone else?
Baldwin and some other guy we haven’t seen before speculate that the attacks in the North are being caused by Gorgrael and that they need to find this StarMan guy to stop him. I swear, that name just gets goofier every time I read it.
Belial interrupts, asking Axis what he’s playing. He realises he’s been absent-mindedly strumming a tune on the harp – a tune he’s never played before which is unlike any song he’s ever heard, which is just so alien. How is it alien? It just is, okay? Stop asking inconvenient questions.
Axis goes off by himself to do more Hero Brooding™. He wangsts about his father and thinks about how Magic Is Evil. Apparently it’s so Evil that he himself has arrested multiple healer women for practising witchcraft and the Seneschal had them all burned. He feels no guilt whatsoever about this.
Now another Sue trait rears its ugly head, as it emerges that Axis never actually learned to sing and play the harp; he was just magically fantastic at it from the moment he tried it. “More skillful than the court bards”, in fact. And nobody thought this was at all weird or suspicious?
But this isn’t just any music, you see. It’s magic music. Maaagic. *waggles fingers*
Now Axis moves on to wangsting about Faraday and Timozel and their apparent deaths. We learn that he’s a serial womaniser who uses “charm” to get women into bed. What charm? So far he’s been a rude jackass to everyone he’s spoken to, and he treats women like idiots. What is he, a Medieval Pickup Artist?
But – sob! – he’s never been In Love! He won’t let himself fall In Love because it’s just too painful and there are “barriers around his heart”, sob! And just for a little while he thought Faraday might be the one to change that! Sob sob, melodrama, sob. He also reflects on whether he just kissed her because he liked the idea of stealing her from Borneheld, and how Borneheld totally hurt his poor little feelings by flaunting his new fiancee, because Axis could never hope to marry a beautiful noblewoman like Faraday.
No-one feels sorry for you, Axis. Trust me.
Belial shows up and tells him not to blame himself for the storm killing all those guys. Axis “nobly” insists that its was totally his fault, and the incident is referred to as the first “serious military defeat Axis had ever suffered”. I’d hardly call what appeared to be a natural disaster a “military” anything, but at least the author points this out further down the page.
Finally Axis asks Belial what it was he played just now, and Belial answers that it’s not important because “only bards and pregnant women need never explain their actions”. And there’s another lovely subtle little dig at women right there.
In a moment that instantly reminds me of Brisingr, Axis praises Belial’s eloquence and says he should be a diplomat. This moment is only funny if you’re doing what I’m doing and picturing the guy as Belial the giant bug monster from The Woven Path by Robin Jarvis.
This whole trilogy is criminally underrated if you ask me.
Veremund points out that the storm is weak, and Gorgrael is just trying to scare them. Axis, “snarling” yet again, gets everyone to hunker down but stays upright himself. The storm glows over him and he starts to feel alone and scared and such. He hears a creepy voice again. Typically, Gorgrael isn’t very articulate. In fact he mostly just says “pretty, pretty” and “tasty, tasty” over and over again, which just makes him sound like a fucking toddler.
Apparently the Fear Mist is affecting everyone else as well, but Axis makes everyone get up and tells them to start partying. He grabs his harp and keeps singing that stupid song about the cow from before. Ogden and Veremund have a pointless mini consultation about how this song is better than one of the magic ones he could have played, because it will hearten the men or some junk like that.
We’re informed that some of the men had been “on the edge of madness” just like Axis (this of course was never remotely shown), but then everyone starts singing the song like we’re in an episode of the Care Bears, and the Fear Mist goes away. Naturally of course, Axis’ voice is the “sweetest”, because even now we have to be reminded who the Sue is here.
End chapter and everyone’s okay. Hooray.
13 comments
ghostwyvern
January 27 2018, 18:27:05
Zombie angels, (more) misogyny, and prophetic dreams, with a topping of Sue. And... this is popular, why again?
Oh don't get me wrong, I know all kinds of things were popular in the 70s and 80s that today's audiences wouldn't care for. But this is kind of absurd, even for the time. I'm wondering now, was the author maybe middle-aged or older when she wrote these books? The attitudes toward gender seem to hail from an older generation...
theepistler
January 28 2018, 11:17:12
I think the author was leaning toward middle-aged when she wrote it, yeah. If nothing else there's a definite "older woman wish fulfillment" subtext going on what with all the stupid teen romance and the waxing lyrical about how beautiful/handsome everyone is. I'm reminded of Twilight.
cmdrnemo
January 27 2018, 19:03:09
Sorry I kept drifting in and out. Dreams about flying are the best.
So the soup thing. According to my, very limited, sources. Back in ye olden times human excrement was used as fertilizer. This is fine. But, any plants grown that way need to be boiled for at least 5 minutes before eating. This includes lettuce. Which is insane. Boiled lettuce is just... In those days all anyone ever ate was stew, or soup.
Even if you had to pack a lunch. It was dehydrated stew. Just add water and boil for 5 minutes. Truly the worst time in all of history. No wonder everyone was dead by 40. Risk aversion goes right out the window if all you ever eat is soup.
In similar ye olden times the milkmaids were famously the most beautiful women around. Because Cow Pox and Small Pox were things. And Cow Pox did not leave you looking like a 50 year old meth head by the time you were 17. It's always a little disappointing when noblewomen who've been travelling and haven't had time to cover themselves with face rotting makeup and stickers are called out as insanely good looking by people who don't normally wear face rotting makeup and stickers.
Having to include the word "Star" into the name of every enchanter is going to result in a lot of idiot hippy super hero names, and Tony Stark. I was going to come up with examples of the stupid. But, the worst I could think of was "StarMan." So I guess the author saw that coming and ran with it.
When someone walks by a Star Gate and it changes them forever in a deep and meaningful way. I blame the Goa'uld. Maybe you shouldn't have let the alien snake thing crawl into your brain. Of course you weren't using it. So whatever.
The ghost of a toddler attacks the axis of stupid and the demon prince of lies. Who respond by emulating the Care Bears. All on the edge of madness in the heart of a storm. The storm made of mist and light breezes. Cool. Cool cool cool. I'm just going to check my legit threat-o-meter here. Current reading: basically Swiper, tell him to stop in a firm voice. Yep, worthy foe for this lot.
theepistler
January 28 2018, 11:20:07 Edited: January 28 2018, 11:21:07
Having to include the word "Star" into the name of every enchanter is going to result in a lot of idiot hippy super hero names
Yup. Actual examples include RiverStar, WolfStar, MorningStar and DragonStar. How are we supposed to be taking this book seriously again? But as you say, "StarMan" is still by far the worst. Which is unfortunate because we'll be hearing it a LOT.
I'm just going to check my legit threat-o-meter here.
That's one scary villain, hey? The reading on the Tension-o-Meter is off the charts!
Ann Pszczola
April 4 2018, 09:31:47
those sound like Warrior cat names.
theepistler
April 4 2018, 09:47:08
Hahah, so true. (Yes, I've read those books).
hergrim
January 28 2018, 08:20:53
Naturally Yr and Faraday are both wilting flowers by the end, fainting from exhaustion, woe is them, etc. Because they’re women. And as we all know, women can’t cope with pain or tiredness. Which is why all the childbirth is done by men these days.
Faraday I can accept, as she seems like a coddled noblewoman and wouldn't have any serious endurance or pain tolerance. Yr, on the other hand, should be far more capable, unless she was a chubby kitty.
Well the Goodwife ain’t – she’s, GASP, fat! Something the author reminds us of when she bows to Timozel and it’s described as inelegant because yo mama so fat.
*sigh*
And this is just after the author has gone to great lengths to talk about the effects of the harsh peasant's life on a body? The Goodwife might be stout, but unless they're large landowners, she probably won't be fat.
Now Axis moves on to wangsting about Faraday and Timozel and their apparent deaths. We learn that he’s a serial womaniser who uses “charm” to get women into bed. What charm? So far he’s been a rude jackass to everyone he’s spoken to, and he treats women like idiots. What is he, a Medieval Pickup Artist?
Some very dark part of my mind says that "Charm" is the name of his dagger, but I'm guessing his weapon of choice is more likely excessive alcohol and a secluded location.
theepistler
January 28 2018, 14:27:34
Faraday I can accept, as she seems like a coddled noblewoman and wouldn't have any serious endurance or pain tolerance. Yr, on the other hand, should be far more capable, unless she was a chubby kitty.
I might have been less annoyed if it had actually said something like "Faraday had never walked any great distance before, etc.", but it doesn't. Instead it just implies that the two poor little wimmen are weak and pathetic and need to be taken care of.
Some very dark part of my mind says that "Charm" is the name of his dagger, but I'm guessing his weapon of choice is more likely excessive alcohol and a secluded location.
I think the problem is that the author wants us to believe Axis is this really charismatic guy who just happens to have a forceful personality/bad temper. But it just doesn't work because he's not written as the least bit charismatic - not only is he a huge jerk, but he's also completely uninteresting. If he took me out for dinner I'd be bored with his company before the first course arrived.
hergrim
January 28 2018, 17:58:52
Ah. Yeah, that does paint a rather different picture. I'm guessing there's some internalised misogyny at play.
Axis seems like the kind of guy who would talk endlessly about his hobbies and not let his date say anything.
theepistler
January 28 2018, 20:29:55
Honestly, the worst misogyny I've ever seen has almost always come from other women. We're a self-destructive lot, apparently.
torylltales
January 28 2018, 21:38:40
T_T I'm not sure what is worse about that "ballad", the terrible rhythm, or the painful misuse of Old English-isms. No, adding -eth to all your verbs does not Old English maketh.
And now I can't stop imagining a bunch of cows standing on their hind legs, clumsily trying to hold mugs of coffee in their forehooves, but spilling it everywhere.
theepistler
January 28 2018, 21:43:22
Plus can you imagineth actually singing that? Forsooth, it haseth no rhythmeth!
torylltales
January 29 2018, 07:26:20 Edited: January 29 2018, 07:27:03
Verily, sangeth Axis-eth,
Mine rhythm is dopeth.
Though rhymes be forcedeth,
And metre forsakeneth,
Author Saideth So, thereforeth
It is So-eth.