Touched by Venom Parts Eight and Nine

[pangolin20]

theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2017-05-26 10:41:00

MOOD: horrified
MUSIC: Raving Insanity

Touched By Venom: Parts Eight and Nine

Part Eight: Horny Nuns Go Wild: Hot XXX!

Okay, if you guessed this “initiation” would have something to do with sex, raise your hand.

Yeah, I’m not giving out any prizes for that. It would be much more surprising if it didn’t have anything to do with sex.

Just as predictably, we open with even more exposition about culture. Because it’s just so much more interesting if Zarq tells us all this stuff rather than actually getting to see it. Just as it has so much more impact that she tells us Kiz-dan is crafty rather than the author bothering to actually develop the character by showing her acting in a crafty manner.

Zarq follows Kiz-dan’s suggestion – you know what, I’m just going to call her “KZ” from now on – and sneaks out at night to see the initiation thingy. All the elder nuns go into the dragon stalls, where they drink from a “goblet”, and once again I have to complain about word use. This is not a European setting. They’re in a freakin’ jungle. They should not be drinking out of “goblets”.

Then, while Zarq secretly watches, the nuns – gasp! – start using magic! Djimbi magic! (I don’t think there’s any other sort in the trilogy, actually). That and whatever they’re drinking makes them temporarily young and beautiful again, because nobody wants to see naked old women (what, you’re okay with sexualising small children but not the elderly? Hypocrite). Then they… uh… well they take turns getting oral from one of the dragons.

No I’m not kidding. And the dragon is totally okay with it, too. Because the dragon’s tongue is coated with venom, this sends them all on an orgasmic drug trip (with some hot lesbian action thrown in for good measure). Zarq, watching, gets massively turned on and starts pleasuring herself. Somehow.

But when she’s found out she immediately changes her tune. KZ wants her to join in on it for some reason, and so do most of the others, but Zarq pleads not to be forced to do the nasty with a dragon. Even though a few moments ago she found it totally hot. And for the first time in 215 fucking pages she finally stands up for herself, yelling at them for mutilating her and taking her name away from her and saying she’d rather die than join in on their secret nighttime venom orgies. She even slaps one of them. The nuns tell her they know it’s wrong but no way in hell are they quitting and she’d better keep quiet about it or they’ll all be in deep shit. We also learn that dragon venom is a “hallucinagenic and an analgesic”. Because those modern medical terms fit so very well in a Bronze Age fantasy world. Still this is small potatoes compared to book three, in which a freaking centerfuge device is used in blood testing by a guy who spouts all sorts of scientific jargon despite living in Ye Olde Fantasy World.

No I’m not kidding about any of that.

Either way some of them want to keep Zarq out of it, not because of the bestiality but because the venom is addictive and eventually kills you. So apparently these boring old nuns are secretly a bunch of drug-addled perverts. I’m pretty sure that’s the exact plot of at least one porn movie.

Anyway, so the nuns are worried that Zarq might turn them in (to who? They’re in the middle of buttfuck nowhere), but all she does is sulk. Then some new additions show up at the convent: three women dressed as nobles, one of them extremely pissed off (I would be). They head back to the convent lodgings, where they find that the head nun has dropped dead and KZ has given birth to twins – a boy and a girl. But – GASP! – a bunch of Djimbi have shown up! Apparently they helped with the birth. The nuns have decided to let them take the babies, but Zarq pitches a fit and threatens to turn them all in unless the kids get to stay with their mother. This comes out of nowhere and it’s really not made clear just why Zarq even cares. It’s not as if she’s close with KZ or anything. We also get even more anachronisms here – one of the nuns uses the word “guillotine”, which again is a specifically French word. She also says the convent will be “audited” – a euphamism for everyone being killed and the building burned to the ground which REALLY doesn’t fit either the setting or the tone. The word “diaper” also pops up.

Finally the Nun Formerly Known as Yellow Face declares that they’ll just keep the girl – no boys allowed – and Zarq has to circumcise the kid herself. Even though she has no idea how to even do that. She nearly changes her mind and lets the Djimbi take both babies, but then her mother’s “haunt” gets hold of her and she has a total freakout, yelling “don’t take my baby!” and such. One of the Djimbi women is able to make it stop, and says Zarq is “haunt-ridden”, and Zarq starts rocking and crying on the floor exactly as she did as a kid.

You know what? I think I’ve just figured it out. The real villain of this series isn’t the Evil White Nobles – it’s Zarq’s horrible horrible mother. Hell, the Evil Nobles are barely even present. It’s Mummy Darling causing all the misery and suffering in the neighbourhood, even now when she’s a ghost. But who could Zarq possibly call?

Anyhoo, so Zarq is super rattled by this and can’t sleep. One of the three noblewomen who have just arrived – the one who was pissed off, who Zarq has dubbed “Beauty” – acts like a patronising bitch to Zarq, and I immediately like this character. She has a brain, and she’s self-willed and confident. Finally a character I can actually relate to!

It turns out the kid who got left behind is the boy – oops. Yellow Face, no relation to a certain Yellow Submarine, insists they get rid of him. Eewww, penis! She and Zarq argue, and we now learn that all this time Zarq has been screaming at night and talking to herself during the day, begging Dead Mummy to stay with her and love her. I have no idea why this has never come up before. Yellow Face claims that leaving Zarq at this miserable convent to be mutilated and spend her life starving and overworked was an act of “great love”. Wow, I hate to think what Mumsy would have done if she didn’t “love” Zarq. Yellow Face suggests that Zarq can just leave if she hates the place so much, and Zarq whines that she has nowhere else to go.

Boo-fricking-hoo. Don’t you just love determined, resourceful protagonists?

Soon after this Beauty’s two dumbass friends are given drugged food so they can be (ugh) mutilated like everybody else. But Beauty has the smarts to guess ahead of time what they’re going to do to her, so she refuses to eat the food. She then goes on to tell Yellow Face to suck it – no way is she going to let them cut the head off her little kitty. Yellow Face says it’s that or get lost, but Beauty counters that a) They already have a male child here at the convent, which is against the rules even if they take his nuts off, and b) She’s got powerful friends back home, and all she has to do is pull some strings and the place will be instantly fixed up and the food will be improved. Apparently she had been married off to a guy who adored her but who she couldn’t stand, so she slept with his more attractive brother. So they packed her off to the convent, but she claims they both still love her. Yellow Face, ever pragmatic, spits that Beauty won’t be getting any food or be allowed outside while she still has “that evil piece of flesh between your thighs”.

Pardon me while I throw up.

Beauty tells Yellow Face to fuck off, then threatens Zarq – unless Zarq helps her out, Beauty will tell KZ that she had twins and the other one was given away with Zarq’s full knowledge. Apparently this would be a bad thing because Zarq and KZ are super tight.

Even though there has been absolutely no evidence shown that Zarq gives the slightest fuck about her. They’re really good friends – you’ll just have to take the author’s word for it.

Can Beauty be the protagonist instead? Please?

Zarq has to help out with the circumcising of the other two, and we get an even more graphic description of this procedure. Apparently the “severed womanhood” comes away in a single piece, for those of you who are wondering, and Yellow Face, who does the cutting, is entirely too keen about it. I really hate this character.

Once Zarq and I have finished puking, she’s called upon to pick the new names for the pair – everyone here has a “nun” name for reasons that aren’t explained. She does this by “reading” the bloodstains caused by the circumcisions (urrrgh). Which she finds ridiculous because – surprise – bloodstains look absolutely nothing like text. She throws a sulk and names one of the women “Liver” – or “Liv-her” for short. Oops. (Not that this character will ever be important).

Beauty, on the other hand, stays safe in the attic, and very much not mutilated. The nuns intend to starve her into submission, but Zarq secretly brings her food lest Beauty tell KZ the awful truth and ruin the very beautiful friendship we’ve heard so much about. Zarq however has other problems – Ghost Mum is harassing her worse than ever for… some reason. I’m not sure what triggered that off. She stops sleeping at night and becomes a nervous wreck. Eventually one of the nuns slips her some diluted dragon venom to put her to sleep, and Zarq finds that while she’s hopped up on the stuff the “haunt” can’t touch her.

So she becomes an addict. Hoo boy, and I thought the story couldn’t possibly become even less pleasant to read.

They finally manage to get one over on Beauty (does this woman have a name? Did Zarq never bother to ask?), and once she’s drugged that’s the end of that. Zarq gives her the coolest new name she can think of by way of compensation, and we get some information about how the writing system in this world words. I’ll copy it out here for the benefit of resident linguistics nerd torylltales.

According to convention, the name of a holy woman has to be comprised of two syllables, each formed by a three-stroke heiratic character. That number in our names – six – reminds us we are deficient on two counts, not worthy even in our written names to approach the sacred number 8 (why is the number 8 sacred? Wait, let me guess – sex). Firstly, we’re deficient because we are human and not dragon. Secondly, we are female (the horror!).

The two three-stroke characters that represent the sound Ohd-sli – the open mouth of the O, and the tongue slipping behind the teeth for the slick sli – look like the stamen in a fluted heliconia (a what?). A strong, sensual image, reminiscent of something very human and not so very holy.

So… there’s that.

Zarq, the charmer, tries to get Beauty hooked on venom as well, but Beauty still has a brain and says hell no. She then points out that everyone in the convent is secretly addicted, and that’s why only the more senior nuns are allowed to groom the youngest dragon – his venom is more potent and they need that because their tolerance is so high they can’t get a fix from one of the older, weaker dragons. Beauty then wins an eternal place in my heart by calling Zarq a pathetic idiot and laughing at her. She adds that unlike our useless protagonist, she thinks and has dreams.

And yet Zarq is still the main character. Because reasons.

Part Nine: The Plot Finally Shows up, Unshaven And Reeking of Gin

Zarq finally gets a clue and realises Beauty was right – she really is a useless loser with no personal goals or aspirations. She makes excuses for herself – wah wah, she’s never had a chance because she’s been starving all her life, wah. Grow a fucking spine, Zarq. You’ve been pulling that one for 252 tedious pages.

The rainy season comes along, and a bunch of nuns I don’t care about get sick and die. The place is in a shambles – more so than usual – and the survivors start openly drinking dragon venom. Zarq takes hers neat and we get yet another ridiculous anachronism, as she tells the reader that her long-term use of diluted venom has given her protection against “gatrointestinal upset”. Been reading medical textbooks have we, Zarq?

The oldest of the dragons dies, so the nuns skin him – apparently the hide must be preserved – and butcher the carcass. Zarq reflects on how sad and miserable the old fellow always looked, and hopes she was wrong when she guessed that he might be “sentient” (WHAT is that word doing here, Ms Cross?). And apparently his body is “elliptical”. The whatnow?

It’s forbidden to eat dragon meat, but everyone is half crazed with hunger, so they say fuck it and try to light a fire. It’s so wet the wood won’t catch, and Zarq randomly decides to let her mother’s haunt take control so she can use magic. How she knows this would work is left to the reader’s imagination. It does work in any case; she becomes totally possessed and starts blasting magic fire out of her hands. This also causes her to go nuts and start thinking about killing everyone present (YES! Do it! That would actually be exciting!) and then going off to find her dear darling missing daughter Waivia.

Look, for the last time – nobody cares about Waivia.

And then she passes out, end chapter. Don’t you just love how fantasy protagonts faint all the time? I have no idea how this came to be such a common trope, but I’ll be honest and admit I even use it myself sometimes.

The nuns send the dragon’s hide and “antennae” off to the Temple along with a note to let them know he’s dead. For some reason this results in a letter in return which reads like a modern day official notification from the government – apparently the letter the nuns sent has “provoked serious concerns”. Concerns about what? It doesn’t say. It just says they’re concerned and will be sending inspectors.

The nuns, who have been nomming down on forbidden dragon meat stew for the last several weeks, are petrified and immediately conclude that the convent will be “purged” – ie. the Temple officials will kill everyone.

Um… why? There’s zero evidence that they ate the dragon, and everyone was in on it, so why on earth would they blab? Zarq points out that they can just keep it a secret, but apparently this isn’t an option because… uh… I have no idea. Yellow Face says they’ll have to get rid of the baby boy I don’t care about. She also says she’s fine with dying, but not with living without sweet sweet dragon loving. Why? Because apparently it’s a spiritual experience.

No really.

Apparently when the dragon sticks his tongue in, the receiver shares his thoughts for a little time.

No. Really. It’s the porn version of Dragon Riders of Pern, played 100% straight. And by the way, we later learn that men can’t do the same thing. Because… that would be gay? I don’t know. Because, newsflash – men have anuses and can use them for sexytimes. There’s this thing called a prostate, you see, and… oh, fuck it. It’s because men are icky and women are special, that’s why.

Mmm, misandry.

They get Beauty to write a nice grovelly letter to her ex, asking for his help. Beauty wants to ask about her son, but Zarq won’t let her because blah blah blah complicated explanation. Beauty gets upset, but Zarq now knows that she’s originally from the same Clutch her dear mummy came from, and therefore may possibly maybe be slightly related to whoever gave the order to sell Mumsy to a different Clutch and had Waivia’s father killed. Therefore Zarq feels no sympathy for the poor woman.

And that is incredibly petty, small-minded and cruel. Fuck you, Zarq.

But because Zarq is special, Yellow Face says she’ll give her some money she has stashed away so she can escape the upcoming visit from the Spanish Inquisition Temple Auditors. Everyone else will stay behind and… die, I guess. But not Zarq, because Zarq is Special. I have no frigging idea why Yellow Face is doing her special favours like this.

Finally, Yellow Face insists that Zarq try the dragon sex ritual thingy before she goes, and spouts some ridiculous and far too modern-sounding hooey about… oh, I’ll just show you.

‘Tell me you haven’t seen worse elsewhere, worse that is acceptable only because it reaffirms the power-defined relationship of an aggressor over the less powerful. Tell me that and I’ll agree.’

Okay, just try and tell me that wasn’t ripped directly from some pretentious treatise on gender politics. Just why this is coming from an uneducated, illiterate old fart of a nun living in Ye Olden Days in the middle of the frigging jungle, I have no idea.

Either way this causes Zarq to have a Feminist Awakening – OMG, women are totally treated like garbage in these parts! And the nobles are totes evil and oppressive!

Apparently this means bestiality is totally okay. Um… logic?

Either way Zarq is now hot to trot, so her and some others including Yellow Face head over to the dragon house for some sexy funtimes… uh… for an important spiritual experience. We learn that the – oh dear lord – penetration can’t be sustained for too long, because if it is it kills the receiver. One of the nuns apparently wants to do this on purpose so she can be literally fucked to death, and what a way to go, eh? Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more say no more – oh right, beastiality. Never mind.

Finally it’s Zarq’s turn, and well… here you go.

….then his tongue shot out, thick, sure, a corded searching muscle, and with unerring accuracy the forked tip entered me.

Wonderous pain, blinding burn.

I screamed, arched away. And then…

…I heard whispers. The memory of voices, strange and incomprehensible and beautiful in their power. Images flitted through my mind, as well, too blurred to be more than hazy colour. Those otherworld whispers, those hazy images, they were the dragons thoughts.

Ancestral memories, passed on from time [sic] before humans, passed on when dragon bull mounted dragon brooder, when dragon brooder regurgitated crop food to dragon hatching. Somehow, through the exchange of semen and saliva, ancestral memories were passed down the generations, from dragon to dragon.

And I, I was almost privy to them.

Zarq is totally into it, and freaks out when they pull her away, begging for more. Yeah, at least let her climax first, you old hags!

Oh right – she doesn’t have a clitoris any more. Never mind. And I guess we’ll just have to ignore the part where she starts frantically masturbating to keep the old motor running. And yes, it actually works. Well sort of. It feels nice, apparently. Whut.

This scene is of course now treated as if something amazing and magical has happened, rather than something utterly disgusting. Yellow Face, who is apparently now the mentor character who loves Zarq like a daughter on the basis of no evidence, declares “now you understand”, and her “wise eyes” carry “the grief of the world.” Wow, it actually felt like I was reading a fantasy novel there for a moment.

279 pages in, and we now have some semblance of a freakin’ plot – Zarq has discovered the main mystery at the heart of the series, ie. how to decipher those dragon memories, and is finally about to go off on her own.

Well that took forever and a day.


torylltales
May 26 2017, 14:31:15
According to convention, the name of a holy woman has to be comprised of two syllables, each formed by a three-stroke heiratic character. That number in our names – six – reminds us we are deficient on two counts, not worthy even in our written names to approach the sacred number 8 (why is the number 8 sacred? Wait, let me guess – sex). Firstly, we’re deficient because we are human and not dragon. Secondly, we are female (the horror!).

The two three-stroke characters that represent the sound Ohd-sli – the open mouth of the O, and the tongue slipping behind the teeth for the slick sli – look like the stamen in a fluted heliconia (a what?). A strong, sensual image, reminiscent of something very human and not so very holy.

This makes very little sense. Even as a metaphor. Heliconia stamina do not look anything even close to the position of the mouth for a rounded mid-back vowel followed by an alveolar lateral fricative (or, as the author probably assumes, a n alveolar fricative followed by a lateral approximant)

Or indeed any position of the mouth and tongue at all.

pictured: a strong, sensual image of something very human


theepistler
May 26 2017, 17:26:35
I'm beginning to suspect this author did no research at all.


Anonymous
May 26 2017, 20:32:38
I suspect she researched in human psychology about exactly how to trigger every possible disgusting imaginery in our brains


She takes full control when reading even the DESCRIPTIONS of this book


theepistler
May 26 2017, 20:48:31
Okay, you've got me there. That is most definitely true. :p


vaskrslacigla
May 27 2017, 00:12:59
Very..


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=F1FcN17hSe0
!!!!


minionnumber2
May 27 2017, 15:18:27
Considering how gross and edgy this book is, I'm honestly surprised none of these chicks are getting UTIs from gross dragon oral.


theepistler
May 27 2017, 18:52:54
Actually, now I think about it I don't think either STDs or UTIs are ever mentioned in the trilogy. Odd really - you'd think interspecies sex would involve hazards of that sort. Hell, I read that Syphilis originally came from sheep!

Remember, guys: when you fuck an animal, always use protection. You don't know where it's been.


torylltales
May 27 2017, 22:20:22
also the animal doesn't know where you've been, and if you're going at it with animals, that's something to be worried about.


theepistler
May 27 2017, 22:25:35
Yeah, show some consideration for your nonhuman sexual partners, you monster!

vorpal_tongue
May 30 2017, 20:16:57
Hell, I read that Syphilis originally came from sheep!

You have the English to blame for the Syphilis. They forced our hand with their English ways and their prissy pink Empire, and their "WELSH NOT!" BS, trying to "Civilise" us.

Well... who's laughing now? The Baa-stards.


theepistler
May 30 2017, 20:19:50
LOL! Are you Welsh? I have some Welsh blood in me, as a matter of fact! Plus plenty of Irish. :D

Reminds me of that bit from Blackadder.

"But I've been in your family for two hundred years!"
"So has syphilis - now get lost."


vorpal_tongue
May 30 2017, 20:46:43
Oh, yes. And... well, I'd say proud of it, if I wasn't some empty husk driven more by childhood wants and bodily needs instead of emotional desire.


theepistler
May 30 2017, 21:01:38 Edited: May 30 2017, 21:01:58
...why is every Welsh person I ever meet a miserable gloomy bastard? XD

Maybe a beer or two will help? Lechyd da!


vorpal_tongue
May 30 2017, 23:42:21
My brother thinks it "just goes for Britain in general".

Plus I think I'm just permanently depressed.

And I'm a whiskey/liqueur kind of drinker. I love drinking the souls of the dead. Mostly a Cinnamon Whisky kind of soul.


theepistler
May 31 2017, 00:16:40
Yeah, that's true. Heck, I wasn't even born in the UK but am of 100% British extraction, and look at what a cynical gloomy jerk I am.

Whiskey is good. I'm a long-time fan. ;)


Anonymous
May 29 2017, 20:32:35
I can't believe you survived reading all three of these


theepistler
May 29 2017, 21:39:17
Worse: I've read them more than once. I am a sick, sick person.