Enchanter Sporking: Part Thirty
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theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-06-30 11:14:00
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Enchanter Sporking: Part Thirty
So, you might be wondering, what precisely was the point of Axis crossing the Moral Event Horizon other than to provide us with some utterly gratuitous gore? Well wonder no longer, because now we get an after-the-fact explanation! You know, again. And by an explanation I mean a long, boring infodump all about how the eeevil Dukes of Ichtar are eeevil and how one of them had the lake at Sigholt dammed because the stupid talking bridge wouldn’t let him in. All you really need to know is that Zara, the last of the Sentinels, was trapped inside Faraday’s ring the whole time and when Axis dunks the thing in Borneheld’s blood the “curse” is broken and she’s set free. Hooray, I guess.
(And no, Zara never does anything in this trilogy. In fact she barely even gets any fucking lines. Truly, Borneheld's hideous death was not in vain. ಠ_ಠ ).
Cut to someone else falling “out of the sun”. Whoever it is comes crashing through the window and hits the snow eagle, and bam – just like that, FreeFall comes back to life. And now I guess I know why he’s named FreeFall, since he just fell out of the sun… somehow. He and EvenSong have a big happy reunion, and then everyone turns their attention to Zara. She’s naked and “not beautiful but handsome”, and Jackass rushes over to her while everyone thanks Axis for being so very kind. No, seriously.
Fuckin' textbook example. Textbook.
But never mind about that! Axis kisses Faraday and asks her to marry him, and she cheerfully accepts.
While they’re both covered in blood with a mutilated corpse right next to them. What the actual fuck is wrong with these people? Did the author just FORGET that Borneheld's busy cooling on the floor while all this is going on?
In fact only Jorge seems mildly bothered by Borneheld’s appalling death - MILDLY - but Axis just reads his mind again and makes a speech about how eeevil Borneheld was and how his death was “necessary”. Which of course Jorge accepts without complaint. This entire country is populated by fucking sociopaths.
And now everything is fine and happy and lah-dee-dah, with much hugging and back-patting, and a new dawn has come – literally. The sun rises while all this is going on.
And especially not when it's this ham-handed. The sun rising as a metaphor for a new age dawning? Yeah - NEVER SEEN THAT ONE BEFORE.
Axis summons the captain of the guards, who of course has zero problems with Axis being in charge now and accepts an order to open the city and let his army in. The Captain thinks about how Borneheld totally deserved to die and runs off to do Axis’ bidding. How very spineless.
Finally Axis turns his attention to Timozel, Gautier and Jayme. Timozel is mortified by Borneheld’s death, and now thinks his visions can’t come true. Axis asks him if his vow to be Faraday’s champion still stands, and the answer is yes. The two of them bicker and Timozel promises not to let Axis marry Faraday and then storms off.
Might I add, Axis is still covered in blood up to the elbows while this is going on.
To his slight credit Axis tells his guys to leave Timozel alone, but that credit is immediately revoked when he turns on Gautier and instantly hands him over to the Ravensbund to be disposed of. Again – without a trial.
I’m sorry, Ms Douglass, but having someone killed without due process is not justice. It’s MURDER. You know, the same thing Axis kept condemning Borneheld for? But nope – screw all that law and justice nonsense – petty revenge for all!
Oh, and it gets even better as Gautier begs for a quick death and the “grinning” Ravensbund make it perfectly clear that they’re going to kill him slowly and horribly, as Demi Moore “smoothly” adds that there won’t be much left of his corpse by the time they’re done. Hooray for sinking to the same level as your enemies!
Gautier is dragged away screaming in terror (this is “justice”, remember), and Axis turns on Jayme. He thinks about how pathetic he looks, and asks where Moryson and Gilbert are. Apparently Gilbert has also fucked off to parts unknown. I smell a recurring villain. With pimples.
Axis tells a couple of his goons to lock Jayme up in a room somewhere because “he could not send this cowering old man to the dungeons”. But you’re totally okay with condemning a younger man to a slow and horrible death while he screams for mercy, apparently.
He's a hypocrite. He's also an evil, murderous piece of shit.
Because it's not a real stupid RPG without loot!
Instead she turns her attention to Axis, who is wounded, and makes a couple of token comments about how “hard” it was to watch her sons fight to the death. No word on the whole tearing-out-Borneheld’s-heart thing though, which everyone seems to have forgotten about. Indeed, after this one scene no-one ever mentions it again.
Axis gives her the crown and the ring and tells her to do whatever she wants with them as she’s the last of her line now, and then orders his minions to toss Borneheld’s corpse on a dungheap. Yes, really. He just slaughtered the guy in cold blood and he doesn’t even have the goddamn common decency to bury him afterwards.
Then Axis swanks off to deal with other matters, and Borneheld is forgotten entirely. Even when he's fucking DEAD this guy can't catch a break.
Apparently the palace/castle has “gold plated minarets” now. What the hell d’you need those for when there are no Muslims in this setting? Axis and his guys find some brothers of the Seneschal and also Faraday’s dad, who’s done basically nothing wrong. Hypocritical as always, Axis thinks about how he’s seen enough death over the last few months, so he just has them all banished. But Borneheld and Gautier don’t “count”, apparently. You are a fucking hypocrite, Axis.
No mention of whether he’s even bothered to wash himself, so I’m just going to assume he does this while covered in Borneheld’s blood. Did I mention Axis is a fucking hypocrite?
As you would expect everyone in Carlon is just fine and dandy with Axis being king now, and when the Icarii show up they instantly get over that too. Did I mention the humans in this setting are a bunch of spineless flakes? Axis’ army enters the city and this is also just fine and dandy and causes zero problems.
Axis, smug in the knowledge that he got everything he wanted free of any personal cost whatsoever, relaxes in a comfy armchair and thinks about how soon he’ll “proclaim Tencendor” and then finally get on with the business of fighting Gorgrael. You know, the guy who’s basically been forgotten for this entire godforsaken book.
And then – oh dear – Faraday enters. She thinks about how beaten up Axis looks, but has no problem with it. Also, his wounds have been stitched up with “cat-gut”. Was that a Thing in medieval Europe? Genuine question.
Faraday takes her clothes off and starts coming on to him, and they start making out, and Axis, the tit, thinks about how Azhure hasn’t let him touch her in forever and “knew that it would come to this”. He actually does feel extremely conflicted about the fact that Faraday is turning him on, but then he just has sex with her anyway. It’s neither erotic nor romantic and he cries afterwards.
Did… did Axis just get raped by the prophecy? Because this scene reads really uncomfortably close to a rape scene. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, of course, but now I’m feeling kinda skeeved out. Might I add, the author only portrays rape as horrible and traumatic when it happens to the men. So I think we can chalk her up as a hypocrite as well.
The omniscient narrator tells us that Faraday still doesn’t know about Azhure or Caelum, and when the betrayal does come (as we all know it will) she’s going to be massively pissed that no-one warned her. Which is unfortunate because “As Faraday held the secret for the success of the Prophecy, so she also held the seeds of Axis’ destruction in her power”.
AWESOME. Please destroy him, Faraday. And make it extra painful and humiliating.
The next chapter goes to Timozel, who’s looking for Faraday while moping about Borneheld and how his death has ruined everything for him. He wants to tell Faraday to honour Borneheld by not screwing Axis before the guy’s body has even gone cold (too late).
Alas he runs into Yr, who cheerfully informs him that yup – she’s with Axis right now. Timozel is enraged and moves to attack her, but Yr does the glowy eye thing and postures about how now Zara is back and all the Sentinels are together, their “power has increased dramatically”. How has it increased? No idea. It just has."Power" in this series is basically just a meaningless buzzword, as you'll no doubt have noticed. I mean really - what the hell is the point of constantly telling the reader how "powerful" a character is when they never fucking do anything with it? Other than threaten people?
Timozel freaks out and runs off, and along the way he sees local noblewomen flirting with the Icarii. Wow, that was quick. They just met the minions of the fucking Antichrist and have already started wanting to jump their perfect shiny Sue bones.
He thinks about how awful it is that Faraday is sleeping with Axis immediately after he ripped her husband in half right in front of her (and he’s entirely correct). But as expected he finds the two of them in post-coital slumber. Yuck.
Faraday wakes up and Timozel yells at her for being unfaithful and callous (correct) and not honouring her husband’s memory (also correct). He also yells at Axis, calling him a “rutting tom-cat” with no self control (still correct). Indeed Axis does a fine job of proving him right, as his reaction to this is to get violent with him. Because that's how Axis always reacts to any sort of criticism: with violence. This guy is a fucking manbaby of the first order. A manbaby with infinitely impenetrable plot armour and more superpowers than the cast of Marvel.
The two of them almost start fighting, but then Faraday picks up a clay pot for… some reason, and then makes a dramatic speech about how much Timozel sucks, ending with a big proclamation about how Timozel is now “a Champion of Shadow” (wtf?) and how he will now “walk strange borderlands until you lose your way and your soul completely”. Wow, compassionate. Finally she says that when the pot breaks, his oath is undone, and drops the pot on the floor. Timozel tries to catch it, but it breaks. Symbolism!
Cut to Gorgrael (who was that again?) crowing as he realises that now Timozel belongs to him. Ah yes, you just won the servitude of a sulky kid with no special skills or powers and it took you two entire years of effort. Bra-VO. *sarcastic applause*
Cut back to Timozel dramatically thinking about how the moment the pot shatters he loses “the carefree boy he had once been” forever or something like that and right out of nowhere we learn that at some point he woke up to find he’d just thrown a kid down a well and it “virtually” drove him mad.
I really wish the author would stop adding these useless asspull scenes. Because not only is it an asspull, but it completely fucks up the pacing.
He tearfully apologises to Faraday, thinking about how he was only trying to do what he thought was right, and then rides off to find Gorgrael, and apparently neither Faraday nor Axis will be seeing him again for a very long time. When he of course pops up as Evil Timozel just so Faraday can be damsel-in-distressed like a good little woman. Naturally.
31 comments
cmdrnemo
June 30 2018, 14:19:23
Be imagining a neutral third party, like the reader, in that throne room.
Just sitting there watching.
Faraday say "ripping my husband in half then throwing his heart to your pet as a snack is such a turn on."
Axis say "hail to the king baby! Oh, and murder that guy. I don't remember why. But, like, I haven't murdered in at least three seconds here. So murder has to happen now."
All the while everyone else is just "was that needlessly messy? Maybe we should get a mop or something?"
Then Timozel is all "I'm not cool with this."
And everyone is all "Stop being silly Timozel this is all pretty cool."
He's all "Maybe they should wash the blood off before sex. That's not too much to ask is it?"
Axis and Faraday are all "You are asking way too much. Get out before we murder you."
At this point it doesn't matter how monstrous the villain is. I'm pulling for him. We're all in this together.
theepistler
June 30 2018, 14:22:33
B-but Nemo - you can't be on Gorgrael's side! He's UGLY! *swoons*
cmdrnemo
June 30 2018, 17:08:37
W00t made you swoon.
Sadly I expect the underdog loses this one. Being ugly is a capitol offence in this book. Timozel proves that conspiracy to aid an ugly person is equally serious. Axis is tough on crime.
theepistler
June 30 2018, 18:15:40
Yeah, Gorgrael loses and hard. He literally dies in a few paragraphs, and Axis walks away without a scratch. Typical.
Anonymous
June 30 2018, 20:34:50
And the worst part of all this is that the propaganda:
"Axis, Azhure and the Icarii are Good, and all those who do not worship them are Bad."
works with most readers.
While there are many who think that Axis is a dick, this is mostly due to his treatment of Faraday. His evil actions like murdering Borneheld and those mentioned in this spork are completely ignored. I have yet to find an article online that analyses Axis' sociopathy, similar to those of Tom Oakes on Eragon.
Anon - 4.
.
theepistler
June 30 2018, 21:07:18
Yeah, I've noticed that. I've read a lot of bad reviews on goodreads and Amazon, and ALL of them bitch about what a jerk Axis is to Faraday... but NONE of them say anything about what he did to Borneheld, or what he later does to Azhure, which is just as bad if not worse. No-one mentions the murders of Gautier or Early Birdel either. A lot of them skip over what a huge Sue Azhure is too. It's like if the author doesn't deliberately call attention to it, it just doesn't exist.
snarkbotanya
July 1 2018, 18:46:25
It's quite possible that the reviewers who don't mention those scenes (or at least a significant number of them) didn't end up reading that far. To non-fans, these books are kind of like Breaking Dawn: unless you're really making a point of paying attention to the story and exactly how it doesn't work, you'll eventually get bored and/or tired of the bullshit and just start skimming, potentially missing huge problems.
theepistler
July 1 2018, 18:54:53
Yeah, good point. The truly horrific stuff mostly happens right at the end. And you need a LOT of endurance to get that far.
vorpal_tongue
July 1 2018, 02:51:17
Lemmie get this straight, FreeFall "Fell out of the sun"... then dawn appears afterwards. Which involves the sun coming up from the horizon.
... You know what, after the shit we seen, it probably makes sense.
Now on to more important matters: WHAT THE FUCK. Whenever Axis isn't one-upping his own douchebaggery, nearly everyone jumps on his bandwagon even though it's covered in blood and guts and running over people Axis doesn't like just for a taste of his narcissistic rear hole.
Also, on a sort-of related note, I seen the Nightmare Fuel page of this series on TV Tropes. The second entry is this;
Borneheld's demise. A hero did that to bring back his cousin. How touching. Though to be fair, Axis was revolted by the idea. And Borneheld kind of deserved it.
The links are not mine - they're added for accuracy. I figure'd I'd add this for people to chew on a bit. Or gawk in horror a bit more.
theepistler
July 1 2018, 10:23:46
Lemmie get this straight, FreeFall "Fell out of the sun"... then dawn appears afterwards. Which involves the sun coming up from the horizon.
Maybe he, uh... fell... sideways? Or something? Or maybe this author just sucks at continuity.
Though to be fair, Axis was revolted by the idea.
Fuck you, no he wasn't. He made ONE token protest when asked to do it by the GateKeeper, then spends the rest of the book wangsting about how he has to do it ASAP. And when he actually does do it, he does it with ZERO hesitation and afterwards is completely unaffected. This troper is full of shit.
And Borneheld kind of deserved it.
FUCK YOU NO HE DIDN'T. Fucking VOLDEMORT didn't deserve that. NOBODY deserves that.
Anonymous
July 1 2018, 12:11:21
Maybe the sun spat him out. “Ewww, this Icarii wasn’t even plucked! I want my money back!”
—Anya, from her phone
theepistler
July 1 2018, 14:16:36
Heehee. Honestly, the only way the Icarii could be of any use or value whatsoever as far as I'm concerned would be as giant barbecue. And you could use the feathers to stuff pillows and make pretty decorations! Alive and flying around they're basically just irritating set dressing/Sue accessories.
vorpal_tongue
July 1 2018, 18:34:40
Fucking VOLDEMORT didn't deserve that.
To be fair, I think Baldymort got it worse. At least Borneheld's dead, he can't suffer anymore (defiling his corpse notwithstanding).
theepistler
July 1 2018, 18:41:25
But at least in Voldy's case it was self-inflicted and not something deliberately meted out by the heroes.
bewdtamer19
July 1 2018, 10:47:23
Borneheld's demise. A hero did that to bring back his cousin. How touching. Though to be fair, Axis was revolted by the idea. And Borneheld kind of deserved it.
Ok, that seriously pissed me off. How? What did Borneheld do to deserved that? And no, Axis did not feel bad for his actions. He thought about it once, then moved on.
Seriously, what the fuck!? Why the fuck does everybody think Borneheld is bad? This level of bullying is only making me feel more sorry for Borneheld, and more pissed at those who keep shitting all over him.
theepistler
July 1 2018, 11:02:16
Ok, that seriously pissed me off.
Same. >:(
How? What did Borneheld do to deserved that?
Nothing Axis didn't do ten times worse. Literally his only "sin" is not goose-stepping in line with the supposed hero. I hate protagonist centered morality so much.
This level of bullying is only making me feel more sorry for Borneheld, and more pissed at those who keep shitting all over him.
Me too. Even with READERS he can't catch a damn break. And just what is so objectively great about Axis anyway? The guy is an entitled piece of shit who doesn't have to work for anything he gets, sacrifices nothing, and acts like a huge asshole to absolutely everyone he meets.
bewdtamer19
July 1 2018, 11:10:29
I guess it really is true. Readers will blindly believe and follow whatever the author say, regardless of what's on the page.
theepistler
July 1 2018, 11:17:48
It worked for Paolini, too. I think the issue is that at least 70% of all readers don't think while they read. They just switch their brains off like it's TV. Us lot are doomed to constantly think about what we read, which means making our own minds up based on objective textual evidence rather than just buying into whatever the author wants us to buy into. Which means we refuse to root for asshole protagonists, but are also a lot harder to entertain.
bewdtamer19
July 1 2018, 11:30:29
To be honest with you, I do think I am part of the 70%, so I do understand that feeling. I'm just learning to be a bit more aware of things.
theepistler
July 1 2018, 13:51:15 Edited: July 1 2018, 13:51:35
I used to be the same. Getting a degree in literature and writing a shitton of my own books changed that, though. It's half the reason why I barely read fiction at all any more.
Mind you, I'm still part of the 70% when it comes to movies. For example people keep telling me Rey is a Mary Sue, and I'm like "eh, I didn't notice anything, and don't really care; they're fun movies".
vorpal_tongue
July 1 2018, 18:29:27
It gets worse for Borneheld on the YMMV page. Here, have a poke at this;
Jerkass Woobie: There's more then a few.
Borneheld, believe it or not. The sole reason he is such a loathsome asshole is because the world was repeatedly telling him "screw you Borneheld." He was a Butt Monkey on multiple occasions, almost enough to qualify him for the Chew Toy trope, and rarely did anything ever go good for him without the help of the Seneschal's team of professional Smug Snakes. He winds up slowly falling out of favor, driven a bit crazy enough to murder his dad, and then he instantly regrets it. He is stuck in a marriage with a woman who would rather be banging, guess who, Axis. His own mother hits him when she sees him again and disowns him in favor of...guess who, Axis. He then loses all his battles against Axis, winds up dueling him, loses to Deus ex Machina, and gets his heart ripped out. The author is telling us something very strongly about this character.
He's the FIRST entry for that trope, before Timozel. Want to know the last entry?
He's not as bad as most of the above examples in the jerkass department, but Axis counts too. He was led to believe his whole life that his mother died cursing his death and has been lonely most of his life, not to mention the scorn he often experienced because of his being a bastard child of royalty. Despite this, he's still a pretty lousy parent and kind of an arrogant ass.
"Kind of an arrogant ass." Well, I suppose it's about as true as the Pacific is a mite damp...
theepistler
July 1 2018, 18:52:25
The sole reason he is such a loathsome asshole...
Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there. In what way is Borneheld "loathsome"? What exactly does he do that's so awful?
...driven a bit crazy enough to murder his dad...
Uh... no. Priam was not Borneheld's father. Borneheld's dad is already dead long before the trilogy starts.
The author is telling us something very strongly about this character.
...such as? Fuck you, troper - Borneheld exists as literally nothing other than a strawman cardboard cutout generic villain for Axis to humiliate and then kill horribly. Except with absolutely no evidence given at any point as to how Axis is in any way morally superior.
...and has been lonely most of his life...
Absolutely NO evidence is ever given for that. He has the love and loyalty of an entire army, a best friend, a friend with benefits, and whole string of lovers behind him. And if he ever was lonely at any point, it'd be because he acts like a complete asshole to everyone he meets.
...not to mention the scorn he often experienced because of his being a bastard child of royalty.
You NEVER see anyone treat him badly for being a bastard. EVER. If anything, it's Axis who treats other people with "scorn". Constantly.
Despite this, he's still a pretty lousy parent and kind of an arrogant ass.
An "arrogant ass" is literally all Axis is. Also, you left out "abusive", "misogynist" and "rapist". And if he's supposed to be such a sad, lonely, woobie, why does he go around acting like that in the first place? To me he comes across not as the sad isolated guy no-one wanted, but rather someone who grew up as a spoilt BRAT.
bewdtamer19
July 1 2018, 19:21:26
...such as? Fuck you, troper - Borneheld exists as literally nothing other than a strawman cardboard cutout generic villain for Axis to humiliate and then kill horribly. Except with absolutely no evidence given at any point as to how Axis is in any way morally superior.
Agreed. Borneheld's entire existence is to be a Scary Sue to Axis and everybody's chew toy.
Normally, I wouldn't be making offensive comments to other people, personally, but the constant "Ron the Death Eater" treatment is seriously making me consider breaking that rule.
An "arrogant ass" is literally all Axis is. Also, you left out "abusive", "misogynist" and "rapist". And if he's supposed to be such a sad, lonely, woobie, why does he go around acting like that in the first place? To me he comes across not as the sad isolated guy no-one wanted, but rather someone who grew up as a spoilt BRAT.
It's times like this that makes me think just what kind of drugs the tropers were on when they kept going on that Axis is a heroic, long-suffering, manly man who dearly loves Azhure. I don't believe they even read the book at all; they're just going on what the author told them.
theepistler
July 1 2018, 19:41:13
It's times like this that makes me think just what kind of drugs the tropers were on when they kept going on that Axis is a heroic, long-suffering, manly man who dearly loves Azhure.
I know, right? I would LOVE to ask any one of them to provide actual objective textual evidence for any of that that ISN'T just the omniscient narrator telling baldfaced lies.
I don't believe they even read the book at all; they're just going on what the author told them.
Yup, they're definitely just buying into what the author keeps insisting is the case sans any objective evidence whatsoever. I, on the other hand, have looked past the purely superficial and am quite confident in saying the author/narrator is the biggest liar this side of Donald Trump.
bewdtamer19
July 1 2018, 19:46:54
Yup, they're definitely just buying into what the author keeps insisting is the case sans any objective evidence whatsoever. I, on the other hand, have looked past the purely superficial and am quite confident in saying the author/narrator is the biggest liar this side of Donald Trump.
All I have to say on this incident is that I really want to make a post proving how Borneheld is none of those things, and is, in fact, the most heroic character of the series just so that I can give the middle finger to all those readers and the writer.
theepistler
July 1 2018, 19:57:54
Please, be my guest.
bewdtamer19
July 1 2018, 20:03:39
I will be sure to try my best. Though, I will need a little help with the facts. Is it ok if I PM you tomorrow?
theepistler
July 1 2018, 20:16:13
Sure!
vorpal_tongue
July 1 2018, 20:52:31
Y'know what? It was worth posting these just to see you rip into 'em!
theepistler
July 1 2018, 20:59:07
You're welcome. :-p
Seeing people act as Axis apologists while grinding Borneheld into the mud just makes me even angrier than what the book already accomplished. Bad enough that it has some of the worst attempts at heroism I've ever seen, without people seriously buying into this bullshit.
bewdtamer19
July 1 2018, 19:23:51
The Borneheld section is making me want to post up an entry about how he is the most heroic character in all of the series, just to spite the all the readers and the writer.
Axis's section, on the other hand, made me laugh out loud, so thank you for that. :)