Enchanter Sporking: Part Thirty-One
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theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-07-01 20:57:00
LOCATION: United States, Washington DC
MOOD: proud
Enchanter Sporking: Part Thirty-One
In the next chapter, Axis “proclaim[s] Tencendor
How do I know that? Because the author says so. It literally says “Axis proclaimed Tencendor in a grand and emotionally charged ceremony blah blah blah”. Because we couldn’t have been, y’know, shown any of that. Not that I’m at all keen to hear another pompous overwritten speech from this asshole.
But I’m pretty sure that’s going to happen on the next page anyway.
Further summarising follows, as to nobody’s surprise the people of Carlon accept the Icarii “with little trouble” and indeed “welcom[ed] them into their markets”, and “Overall there was surprisingly little fuss made about the presence of the Icarii”.
Okay, so I guess the author got bored with the realistic group psychology thing and has gone back to the “it’s really really easy to change people’s minds” approach. And no, pointing out that it's "surprising" doesn't make it less dumb.
Cut to Embeth’s POV. She’s feeling a bit overwhelmed and is missing former Queen Judith, who – urgh – has “succumbed to StarDrifter’s eyes and insistence” and is now sleeping with him. That’s our StarDrifter, sigh.
As for Embeth she’s thinking about how she’ll be heading home soon, though her two younger children are married and have left home, and she has no idea where Timozel is.
Cut to Azhure, as we find out she spent the night of Borneheld’s murder fretting, and then broke down in tears when she saw Axis’ flag go up because “She had finally lost Axis to Faraday”, sob sob melodrama sob. Not that she seems at all bothered by that now, as she’s just “nervous” about the ceremony. She hasn’t seen Axis in eight days but has heard that Faraday has spent those days “laughing with joy – and why shouldn’t she? She had spent those eight days with Axis”.
Yeah, because being with Axis is just so wonderful! HAHAHAHAH! Oh, that’s just priceless.
Pictured: The only guy every woman and most guys would automatically be this happy to have around. Provided that's good quality chocolate, of course.
Anyway, Azhure is now five months pregnant, and is wearing a fancy new dress Axis sent over and ordered her to wear. Because that’s how you treat your girlfriend – by telling her what to wear.
Predictably, the new dress gets a chunk of description and it sets off Azhure’s “pale complexion and blue eyes perfectly” and she’s wearing pearls in her hair, blah blah blah she’s just so Beautiful, etc, we've heard it all before a million times. Finally Griff shows up wearing “rose-and-gold brocad[e]”. Apparently he’s provided her with a shoulder to cry on for the last week. Aw, finally a guy is nice to a woman without wanting to bang her.
In another entirely predictable moment, Griff tells Azhure how Beautiful she is and then goes on about how Axis is a moron if he doesn’t marry her. When Azhure protests that Faraday is “so powerful” (what, unlike YOU?), Griff goes on and on about how no-one compares to Azhure and Azhure is So Great, etc. and so on. And then he calls her “lovely lady” because of course he does, and screw talking to her like she’s some sort of human being.
Pictured: How an actual woman would react to this sort of patronising bullshit. Finally Azhure walks to Spiredore, which takes twenty minutes because apparently we needed to know that. Azhure carries Caelum, and people duck their heads as she walks by and apparently they’re thinking that she and Griff are “richly dressed and obviously noble”, and – oh for fuck’s sake – “the child in the woman’s arms radiated such an aura of greatness that many gasped in wonder.”
How does one radiate an aura of greatness, exactly? I have no idea, and I suspect the author didn’t either. It’s just one of the more nebulous of the common Sue tropes when all is said and done.
Somehow, Derpface Baby Jesus is still more regal and impressive than the Sue Brat.
Belial is also there, and Azhure see’s a “flash of pain in his eyes” as he glances at her baby bump. Yup, he’s still got the hots for her. Suddenly I feel very sorry for Mrs Belial.
Then Demi and Suntory show up wearing “snow-white icebear furs” with freshly greased-up hair full of bits of glass and “brass chimes”, and a truly patronising line follows as we’re informed that they look “splendidly savage with their blue tattooed faces”.
Nope, that’s not racist at all.
*cough*
The Sentinels are there too, and Jackass and Zara are sitting together, and “few had any doubts that their relationship was closer than that shared by any of the other Sentinels”. How do they know this? They just do, shut up. Might I add, Zara has barely had any lines and we still know absolutely nothing about her.
Then StarDrifter and the other Icarii show up, including FreeFall, who is apparently not the least bit traumatised by dying and coming back to life. Instead we just get a boring infodump about how Azhure “delighted in the birdman’s company” and how he’s supposedly “quiet and amusing” and has “an air of such haunting beauty” and everyone wuvs him, etc. Allegedly his “reincarnation” (the word you’re looking for here is resurrection, author) has done nothing whatsoever to him except give him an “air of mysticism”. As always this is of course just dictated to us via word of author. This isn’t even a scene – it’s just an infodump. No-one even gets any lines.
And then – oh GOD – Azhure sees StarDrifter staring at her. He then proceeds to grab her and start touching her baby bump - WITHOUT PERMISSION - and she feels “the light touch of power throb through her”. Wow, that’s not sexual at all. Azhure really seems to have a thing for abusive, predatory men, because she feels a “slight thrill of pleasure” at him touching her. Also, does the author have no idea how universally shitty it's considered to touch a pregnant woman's baby bump without permission? Because in the world I live in, doing so is a great way to get yourself punched in the face.
StarDrifter creepily proclaims that Azhure is “a wonderous gift to the SunSoar family” because she’s carrying twins – a son and a daughter, and both of them are Enchanters. Just what the hell is so great about Enchanters anyway? Omniscient Narrator then informs us that in the entire history of the Icarii race, there have only ever been two sets of twins.
Yup, Azhure is just that special.
Azhure is surprised to learn that it’s twins, and actually thanks StarDrifter for “his undoubted intrusion” because somehow she found it comforting. No, really. Dude. Touching a woman's baby bump - FORCIBLY - is not an "intrusion" - it's an extremely threatening gesture which you should never use EVER.
She sits down with Caelum on her lap, and Sue Baby gets some clothing description too. He’s wearing “a suit of dark red velvet” to match Mummy’s fancy dress, and looks “every bit as striking”. Barf.
Ayup. Caelum officially looks like a complete dweeb in this scene.
Azhure then thinks about her pregnancy like it’s some sort of special present for Axis, as she thinks about how could Faraday provide this many sweet sweet babies for King Jackass? Wow, fuck you Azhure.
They sure as shit aren't presents, rewards, pets, or accessories. Go fuck yourself, Azhure. And Axis and StarDrifter are cordially invited to do the same for sharing the exact same bullshit dehumanising attitude as you.
Caelum reads her mind like a little creep and asks if she’s thinking about Faraday, but Azhure just tells him to STFU and pay attention to the stage. StarDrifter, sitting next to them, picks up on the exchange and is shocked – shocked that she has the power to use the “mind voice” because only the most powerful Icarii Enchanters can do that.
And this has never come up before because…? Right, exactly. But as usual, Azhure Is Special. And yet again, clunky foreshadowing ahoy! StarDrifter is so terrible at connecting the dots if you gave him one of those children's puzzles where you're meant to draw a duck, he'd end up with a picture of Elvis in a convertible.
Honestly, it feels like an insult to call it "foreshadowing" at all by this point.
Mercifully, Axis and Faraday finally show up. Faraday is wearing a white – sorry, “cream’ – dress which gets a lot of description, and we’re informed that she’s also a pasty face. Azhure thinks about how “she is so beautiful” (emphasis not added), and we cut to Faraday’s POV as we learn about how happy and In Love she is.
Oh man this next scene is going to hurt.
Cue descriptions of Axis, who’s in his usual shiny fancy red and gold, and now carries a “golden sword”. Azhure, watching, has yet another cry as she thinks about how Faraday is “so much the Queen” and Azhure feels “small and insignificant”. This is actually an effective moment, and I very dearly wish the author had followed through on it.
Alas, this will not happen. Instead it's just another painfully clumsy attempt at a red herring.
Axis and Faraday go up onto the dais (this is happening outdoors, by the way), but they don’t stand together. Azhure asks why and Griff says it’s because Borneheld’s only been dead for a week and the crows haven’t finished with him yet.
Apparently his corpse was indeed thrown on a trash heap, and about twelve hours later Gautier’s mutilated carcass was thrown there with him. We aren’t told exactly what happened to the poor sod, but the author cheerfully informs us that he “paid dearly and long for the crucifixion of the three Ravensbundmen”. Again, hooray for petty revenge and acting exactly like the villains!
And here I was thinking that torturing your enemies to death, then disrespecting their corpses was something BAD GUYS do.
Cut to Faraday’s POV mid-scene, as she looks down at Rivkah and thinks about how she “enjoyed getting to know [her] very much” and how they have so much in common, so on and so forth. You’ll just have to take the author’s word for it as usual. Then Faraday spots Azhure. She of course thinks about how “striking” she looks and how “beautiful” Caelum is. She wonders if this is the “courageous Azhure” she’s heard about, and how no-one mentioned how “beautiful” Azhure is. I'm beginning to out and out hate the word "beautiful". I can't even type it up in one of my own novels without wanting to burst a blood vessel by this point.
Actually, you know what? I wish this whole bullshit ended with Faraday and Azhure getting together, and then prancing off into the sunset arm in arm, leaving the jackass in their lesbian dust. Which is pretty much exactly what happened in the movie Being John Malkovitch, whose selfish asshole protagonist is bored with his wife and tries to have an affair with an attractive co-worker, only to lose them both as they end up falling for each other and becoming a happy couple while he’s forced to look on, helpless and frustrated. It was a wonderful example of poetic justice.
Sadly this book does not have that kind of perspective, and nor does the author seem at all aware that Axis is a horrible person who deserves a major dose of comeuppance.
What happens instead is that we go to Mr SueSoar’s POV as he looks down on his “closest friends and allies” (what friends?)… and then beckons, using the exact same gesture he used before raping Azhure at Beltide, and – oh for fuck’s sake – he’s now “intent on seducing an entire nation”.
Then Axis starts making his speech, and StarDrifter can tell he’s using magic to amplify his voice, but he’s not using any other spells because – GROAN – “Axis intended to reforge Tencendor using the sheer force of his personality”.
Well, he’s totally fucked in that case. I’ve met rotting fish heads with more appealing personalities than Axis. Personally I’m expecting more cheap tricks, and quite possibly some veiled threats as well.
And a cheap trick is exactly what we get! Because rather than actually talk, Axis… breaks into song. Like it’s a fucking Disney movie.
The perfect political tool!
Naturally his voice is Just So Beautiful, and everyone’s astonished and awestruck and such as he sings about Tencendor, which apparently had “parklands” and people played “games”, and then moves on to singing “sorrowful[ly]” about how all that was ruined because the humans came to “envy the Icarii and fear the Avar”. Why?
Because. And the Icarii “laughed at the Acharites for their inability to fly” and “assumed an elite role within ancient Tencendor society”.
And that’s all we get. We still have no fucking idea just what was so great about this Tencendor thing, other than it sounds like the name of a delicious chicken curry.
You don’t even see the words of the song. All we get is this painfully vague description.
Let's just pretend he was singing this.
Then Axis stops singing and starts talking but we’re assured that his speaking voice is “every bit as beautiful”, because of course it is. He declares that he wants to create a new Tencendor where everyone is equal. He tells everyone he’s the StarMan Mary Sue and half Icarii, and lies about how he combines “the compassion of the human with the arts of the Icarii”.
Compassion? You what? Axis? Hahah, it is to laugh.
And then… hoo boy. Then Axis goes on to say that his “issue” is also human/Icarii, meaning his kid. Faraday is like “Whut? Why is he speaking in the present tense? I haven’t had his kid yet!”
Now Axis says that the new ruling family won’t be the House of SunSoar or the Acharite royal family, but a new one he names “The House of the Stars”. What an impressively stupid, Sueish title.
Everyone is shocked, and Axis tells them “you know what sort of man I am” (...a murderous, raping egomaniac with all the charm of a moldy potato?). He then asks them if they’ll stand with him and help him defeat Gorgrael. Who was that again?
He keeps demanding everyone’s loyalty, and as expected every single person in the audience starts chanting “StarMan” like the sheep they are. While everyone cheers like idiots, Ogden proceeds to treat the reader like an idiot as well by explaining what Axis’ speech “meant” and how “brilliant” it was. Oh my GOD just shut up! I read the damn speech – it wasn’t fucking complicated! I do not need you to hold my hand like this!
I'm clearly too stupid to work anything out for myself! Heeelp!
Anyway – sigh – cut back to Axis, who’s busy feeling pleased with himself. Apparently he did not have “a single doubt” when he went up onto the dais. Yeah, self-doubt is for people who aren’t Sues.
He then throws himself a pity party, thinking about how he’s been banging Faraday every night while thinking about Azhure and how much he looooves her. Y'know, you could just... stop banging Faraday. It's not that fucking complicated.
Apparently he just thinks of Faraday as a “friend” (but you’re happy to fuck her anyway), and the “love” between them is “a dull child’s toy compared to the shining love and devouring need he had for Azhure”. Oh boo fucking hoo.
The self-pity continues as he thinks about how he can’t marry Azhure (nope) and how he will “enjoy so very few years with [her]” (still nope). Either way he now decides it’s time to spill the beans so that Faraday will be left “in no doubt as to the position of this woman in his life”.
Yup. Every previous time he thought about telling her he chickened out. But now, right in front of everyone, where it’ll be as humiliating as possible? Perfect! He tells himself that “She will simply have to accept it”.
Because as usual, it’s all about Axis.
Anyway, people start calming down at last and Axis dramatically announces that Tencendor is now a Thing again, and then moves on to a little housekeeping as he tells everyone about the lands which will be given back to the Icarii/Avar (naturally everyone’s 100% okay with this, because of course they are), and how the nobles will be keeping their lands and titles, however thanks to a few, ahem, recent deaths, there are some lands and titles currently vacant, which he will now give to “five first families”.
He calls Belial over and names him “Prince of the West” and gives him a whole bunch of land. Since when did Belial know anything about governing? He’s a freaking career soldier! And yet again the author treats the reader like a drooling moron, as she apparently feels the need to explain that Axis has just made Belial and his heirs “very rich and powerful indeed”. Noooo, really?
Either way Belial accepts and is given the title of Prince. Well, at least the first guy to get elevated to a position of ridiculous power is actually a decent sort. Mostly.
Then Axis calls up Margarita and makes him “Prince of the North”, and he also gets a bunch of land. Again we get hand-holding, as the author explains that Margarita was already rich and important but has just been made “immeasurably” more so. We’re not preschool toys, Buzz – we can read.
Margarita accepts, naturally.
Then Axis calls FreeFall up onto the stage. He makes a speech about how Awesome FreeFall is, and then gives him back his position as heir to the Icarii throne in exchange for “homage and fealty”, while thinking about how never before has any Icarii Talon sworn fealty to someone else, and this is a “critical moment”.
Stop holding my hand, author. Your fingers are all sweaty.
Either way as you would expect FreeFall says yes without hesitation and gives Axis huggles.
Next up is Demi Moore. Axis makes a speech about how awesome the Ravensbund are and offers him his lands back. Demi accepts, but unlike everyone else he doesn’t actually get any dialogue, and nor does he get any special titles or extra land other than what was already rightfully his. Because hey, it's not like he and his guys contributed anything, right?
Now Axis calls up Griff and makes a speech about how great he is, and names him Prince of Nor. Griff thinks about “what splendid theatre” this is, and accepts. Is this scene still going?
The author continues to hand-hold, as Ogden and Veremund are used as mouthpieces again to explain what all this means and how three races are now united, blah blah blah I fucking GET IT. But the Avar aren’t mentioned or represented because they refused to fight. Not that this will change anything in the long run.
This only leaves the Eastern part of the country to think about, and everyone’s a bit unsure as to what Axis is going to say. This is the part of the country where Faraday will be planting trees, and she wonders who she’ll be working with.
Of course, the obvious choice is Faraday. Just give her that land and send her off to get to work planting trees, and bam – no more problem.
Instead, Axis gives it to Azhure.
Oh yeah, he just went there. Faraday is shocked, as you would expect, and whispers to Ogden about why the fuck Azhure got the job – all while the crowd cheers because Azhure is Just So Awesome and everybody loves her (you know, again).
Azhure comes up on stage, and now both Faraday and Axis realise she’s pregnant. Axis is stunned, and Azhure whispers to him that she didn’t tell him so he wouldn’t hold off on what he’s supposed to do – in other words, have pointless sex with Faraday against his will. Axis is puzzled because he hasn’t felt the “tug of the baby’s blood”. Why? Because the author just spotted her own plot hole and decided to explain it away with a hasty retcon. Or so I'm uncharitably assuming.
Finally he makes a speech about how great Azhure is (again), and offers her the position of “Guardian of the East”, which she accepts. The onlookers look at him cockeyed “Not at the title and responsibility that Axis had given Azhure – all believed she would do well as Guardian of the East” (oh yeah, because she knows all about governing, cough), but because Axis hasn’t demanded homage and fealty from her, which implies that she’s his equal.
Faraday, who is now suddenly “politically astute” notices as well.
Hoo boy.
Axis then gives Azhure Spiredore to live in, which she finds delightful, and then she thinks about how she’s “awed by her new responsibilities”. Which we all know she’ll be amazingly perfect and wonderful at, naturally.
Then StarDrifter, the jackass, invites himself on stage and melodramatically asks Axis to name his heir just in case he dies unexpectedly (I wish). Axis is pissed because he was about to do that anyway, thereby making this piece of shocking rudeness completely pointless as well. Meanwhile the Sentinels are all like “oh man, did we fuck up after all?”
Axis drags Azhure up onstage along with Caelum (seriously. He drags her. By the arm), and Faraday sees the kid’s “Icarii features” and realises whose kid he is.
Uh-oh.
Axis holds the Sue Baby up for all to see and names him his heir to the “Throne of the Stars” and says how none of his other kids will have the right to supplant him, adding that Caelum’s bastardy doesn’t count because shut up.
Of course, Faraday is completely fine with this and everything is dandy.
Oh wait. Actually Faraday reacts with horror and thinks that everyone must have known about this, and yet no-one bothered to inform her, and not only did Axis cheat on her, but he’s just disinherited Faraday’s own child (yes of course she’s pregnant), and given Azhure everything on a silver platter.
I dearly wish this would result in Faraday using her alleged, never-demonstrated-onscreen political skills to have Azhure and all three of her piece of shit children murdered, but of course that’s not going to happen. Where the hell is Cersei Lannister when you need her?!
Even so exactly what everyone should have seen coming a mile away has just happened, and Faraday just paid the price for Axis’ dishonesty, self-delusion, and inability to think about anyone other than himself.
Who will suffer for his actions?
Definitely not him.
Not Azhure either.
Nope. The only person who’s going to suffer for this is Faraday, who hasn’t done anything wrong other than occasionally act like a jerk.
Because that’s the thing about Sues. They might do the wrong thing, often to an appalling degree, but they’re never the ones who suffer for it. That’s always someone else’s problem.
Poor bloody Faraday.
Mercifully the book is now nearly over, but not before we see Axis do something EVEN WORSE, for which he will likewise suffer zero meaningful consequences. Naturally. I couldn't write a more hateful villain than this if I tried.
12 comments
cmdrnemo
July 2 2018, 15:36:38
It's been a while with no comments. So I'll get this party started with something off topic and pointlessly controversial.
That "Pictured: How an actual woman would react to this sort of patronising bullshit." picture may not have been the best choice. Her face doesn't say angry so much as "I'm a model who was told to look angry but I'm actually having a pretty good day." And she is as adorable as a box of kittens. I'm mean look at that face. That is cuteness personified.
theepistler
July 2 2018, 17:20:31
Oh, I get it. If you're cute no-one should take you seriously when you're pissed! *slap* HOW'S THAT FOR CUTE???!!!
...I have had a bad day today.
cmdrnemo
July 2 2018, 18:31:43
Hm, no. Sorry. That's utterly irrelevant to my point. You react to cat pictures. The comment was about the quality of her acting skills. She doesn't look angry. She looks like she's trying to look angry. It's just different enough.
theepistler
July 2 2018, 18:37:45
Oh right - you mean she's going for "angry" but sucks at it so the expression just makes her look cute.
Yeah, stock photo actors routinely suck at acting.
theepistler
July 2 2018, 18:59:37
I was going for "silly overreaction" by way of a joke, by the way, but probably missed the mark. My reading/writing comprehension goes right out the window when I'm this bloody tired.
cmdrnemo
July 3 2018, 06:07:18
Sorry. I'm so used to being misunderstood that my default reaction is to blandly explain the joke whenever anyone reacts like that.
theepistler
July 3 2018, 17:00:04
In my defence, you really didn't word it all that well.
cmdrnemo
July 3 2018, 17:27:20
Part of why I'm here. To get better at that sort of thing. To much practice dancing around the point without ever getting to it.
theepistler
July 3 2018, 17:40:15
I'm going to betray my Australian-ness in the most tacky way possible now, but... good on ya!
Anonymous
July 2 2018, 20:38:08
I'm trying to decide who is worse: Axis or Richard Rahl.
Axis pretends to have a conscience, but he really doesn't. Richard says that conscience destroys moral clarity and anyone who possesses a conscience is his enemy.
Hmm, it's a close call.
-TTT
theepistler
July 2 2018, 20:45:30
Well, I guess at least Richard doesn't pretend to be anything other than a heartless selfish bastard, so... points for honesty?
vorpal_tongue
July 3 2018, 03:44:45 Edited: July 3 2018, 03:46:06
Gonna do a CmdrNemo and be a bit off-topic here, since I don't have that mu- well, nothing to add to this, except good fucking grief, did Axis eat bars of lead when he was a kid?
Anyway, I'd half a mind to do a sort of spite-fic much like Anya's Consequences, involving one of my characters being more or less coerced to aid Axis. Unfortunately, there's two problems with this. A) I don't have the books themselves as a reference point (I like having the actual material, thank you very much), and B) more importantly, it'd be at this point at the latest, where he'd fuck off, and tell Axis to not find him or he'd execute everyone he brings with him (being the best case scenario for Tecendor).
Also, C), despite having my own theory on why 99.9% of the people wanting to have a taste of Axis' ass (involving what would be a spoiler in a better foreshadowing work), among other things, I'm not going to lie: I probably have half the skill of any one person here, at best. I'm probably better than that, but I've tried doing a multi-chapter series before, and I'm much better with vignettes.
Also, apparently I like the word better, but it's not as nice as agony, or rancid, or puerile.
Mmmm... puerile. Sexy.