as_sporkive | StarMan Sporking: Part One (Reply)

Well, here we are. Two books down and one to go. Book one detailed the elevation of an obnoxious douchebag. Book two covered his steady descent from ordinary everyday jackass to arch villain and dark lord of all evil, as well as the corruption of a good-hearted peasant woman into a cruel and selfish ice queen. The courageous Borneheld, who dared to stand against them, paid a hideous price for his bravery and his murderer ultimately seized supreme power over the entire country, thus dooming so-called “Tencendor” to a hundred years of misery and suffering.

Or at least that’s how I’m choosing to interpret it, and I refuse to see it otherwise. You can’t make me. This series is so much more palatable if you look upon it not as a traditional heroic fantasy but rather the grim tale of how a villainous monster rose to power. No-one could stand in his way and live. And let’s face it, that last part is the unvarnished truth. Literally everybody who refuses to join Axis DIES, usually at his hands.

And now time for book three, in which Azhure will become just as evil as her new husband. Not easy, I know, but if there’s one thing Azhure is good at, it’s being the best at everything. Including being a horrible, cruel, monstrous excuse for a human being.

Anyway, we open with yet another quote from Tennyson. The poor guy must be rolling in his grave. The quote is from Part II of Maud, in case you care, and has some vague relation to this book because it mentions a prophecy and also an “old gray wolf”.

Yeah, nice try. Quoting Tennyson still doesn’t make your book “deep”. This is like Bella Swan trying to convince us she’s “deep” because she reads Jane Austen.

After that comes the stupid prophecy, yet again. It’s still stupid and poorly written. WolfStar should be ashamed of himself.

The first chapter is called “The Day of Power”, and it’s horribly overwritten. We’re with Azhure, and we get a brief and extremely poorly written recap of how Axis tried to kill her (but no biggie) and then married her.

Cut to the GateKeeper – the weird looking old bint Axis made a deal with to bring Sir Totally Irrelevant to the Plot back to life. Somehow she can hear Axis declaring that he and Azhure, the Enchantress, will “walk together forever”. She has a laugh over this, and then starts going on about how “the Circle is complete at last”. She does some business with “seven sparkling balls”, and get your minds out of the gutter right now you pervs. Apparently they represent people who don’t have to go through her gate like the rest of us peasants.

It’s all very vague and cryptic, though not in a way that’s actually interesting, but from what I can gather WolfStar has also made some sort of deal with the GateKeeper in exchange for coming back to life and apparently becoming immortal as well (and no, we still haven’t had anyone wonder how the hell he’s still alive three thousand years later).

Fortunately, we then cut to Faraday, also known as the only character left in this trilogy who doesn’t deserve to die horribly.

This of course means that she will die horribly in this book. Because when you’re a Douglass character, being a halfway decent person = deserving of cruel and unusual punishment.

Faraday is busy saddling up a donkey, and we get a description of all the stuff she’s taking with her. She’s also sulking because despite being the former Queen she doesn’t get a fancy carriage or anything.

Which doesn’t make any sense. She should have a decent transport, plus, y’know, an escort! Armed guards! People to help her along! Why the fuck is she being allowed to just stroll off on her own like this? Okay, Borneheld is dead, but she’s still an important noble!

God, I’m only two pages into this thing and I’ve already found a huge plot hole.

Faraday then angsts about how all she really wants is Axis’ love. Because we’re still supposed to believe that Axis is any sort of desirable mate. No, Faraday – I know you’re embarrassed about your former infatuation with him, but let it go already. He’s not worth it.

She’s also jealous of Azhure for having just married Axis, because supposedly being married to the guy who tried to MURDER HER will make Azhure ever so happy. I’ve already been over how appalling this is in the last sporking, so let it pass.

Apparently Faraday had a good yell at the Sentinels for lying their asses off about how Axis would be hers one day. Complete bastards that they are, they basically just mumbled it all away and Jackass flat-out lied to her face that none of them knew Axis was going to end up with someone else. Faraday, the idiot, now feels bad about having been pissed off at them. Stop being such a fucking doormat, Faraday. I note too that she’s the only character who’s honest to gods angry about being used by the stupid prophecy. Everyone else just uses it as a cheap excuse for acting like an entitled douche and not suffering any consequences for it.

Anyway, so Ogden and Veremund gave Faraday their donkeys and then she stalked off leaving them “standing in the corridor, as much victims of the Prophecy as she was”. Oh fuck off and stop trying to make me feel sorry for those pricks. Might I add, Zara – the one whose disappearance was made such a big deal of in the last book – not only got no lines, but wasn’t even mentioned as being present in that scene. Chalk her up as another nonentity, then. She and FreeFall should start a club.

Cut back to the present moment. Faraday is on her way out of the stable when she’s intercepted by a Mysterious Cloaked Figure™. Fortunately it’s not WolfStar (or StarDrifter looking for fresh victims). Rather it’s Embeth, Timozel’s mum and Axis’ old friend-with-benefits. She’s not looking too happy, and Faraday has a moment of sulkiness about how Embeth had the sheer malice to tell her she might be happy married to Borneheld. Wow, screw you, Faraday. I’m beginning to regret calling you the only likeable character left, because right now you’re basically just acting like Azhure 2.0, bitchiness and self-pity included.

Embeth asks where she’s off to and Faraday says she’s headed East. Embeth asks, well what about Axis? and Faraday briefly explains the situation. Embeth hugs her and makes excuses for not having told her about Azhure. Faraday has a bit of a cry and Embeth comforts her, then suggests she might go with her as far as her home in Tare, because she too is leaving.

Why? Because nobody wants Axis’ former lovers hanging around… and also she’s been sleeping with StarDrifter. In fact he apparently seduced her because she’s his son’s old girlfriend.

Yes, you read that correctly. StarDrifter deliberately set out to seduce a woman purely because he wanted to get his son’s sloppy seconds. That’s just… disturbing on so many levels. And it only gets worse as Embeth says that “StarDrifter only used me to sate his curiosity, he did not care for me”. Nice grammar there, Ms Professional Author.

Anyway, Faraday accepts Embeth’s offer, and then says “let us both walk away from these SunSoar men. Let us find meaning for our lives elsewhere”. Hooray for independent women! No wonder the author hated Faraday so much. Which… is kind of odd given that according to her official website she herself was single and lived alone. So why the demonisation of other single women and the constant glorification of Having A Man, even if he’s an abusive, unloving piece of shit? I don’t get it. Was the author secretly bitter about not being married or something?

Either way the two of them head off, and we now cut to Timozel, last seen riding away to join the side of totally ineffectual Evil. He’s currently at a place called Murkle Bay, overlooked by the Murkle Mountains, and what d’you mean that sounds like something out of a children’s book? Oh, and might I add, both bay and mountains are described as “dreary” and “cheerless”. Because they’re murky. Geddit? Maybe next Timozel will go for a swim in the Unhapple Lagoon, or take a relaxing stroll through Deppressle Forest.

Either way Timozel is now Mad and Evil and suffering from worse and worse nightmares. He wants to go back to Faraday and beg for her forgiveness, but “Gorgrael’s claws [have] sunk too deep”. I still don’t know why Gorgrael is so keen on winning over this one guy who’s nobody special, and hasn’t done the same with anyone else.

And who, might I add, will ultimately do pretty much nothing other than kidnap a woman so she can be pointlessly damsel-in-distressed. This entire subplot is nothing but a big fat waste of time, and quite frankly it only seems to exist at all so we can have the cliché Traitor in the Ranks plot “twist”.

Meanwhile Timozel has just ridden his sixth horse to death. If only he could get one of the Zombie Mpreg Horses from Eragon he wouldn’t be having this problem.

After some blah blah about how he’s going to have to walk now, he sees something in the water and thinks it might be a whale. But no – it’s a boat with another “heavily cloaked” figure in it. Does this author not know of any way to make a character seem mysterious other than slapping a big heavy cloak on them?

Predictably, it’s WolfSt- uh, I mean the “Dark Man”, because apparently we’re not supposed to have figured that out yet. He greets Timozel, then uses magic to make a campsite and food appear out of thin air. And he doesn’t even need to sing a pretty song to make it happen. Timozel, who’s now easier to manipulate than Silly Putty, buys it when WolfStar pretends it was there all along. They sit down and eat together, and WolfStar starts screwing around with him, agreeing with him when he says “treachery undid him” – “him” being Borneheld (correct). He then pretends to be amazed to hear about Timozel’s visions. He weedles him into telling him the details, which he does. Basically he saw himself commanding a great army, winning, and then sitting with his Lord, and Faraday. Finally he mentions Gorgrael, and WolfStar says oh yeah, Gorgrael is a buddy of mine.

Timozel (Or Timmy, as I am now going to call him) freaks out, but then WolfStar tells him Gorgrael’s just misunderstood and is actually a good guy who wants to get rid of the Forbidden just as Borneheld did. And also Gorgrael wants to kill Axis. Timmy reacts to the idea of killing Axis “with unreasoning hatred”. No, I’m pretty sure he has plenty of perfectly sensible reasons to want that jackass dead.

WolfStar tells him that if he joins up with Gorgrael he can wipe out Axis and the Forbidden, and “rescue” Faraday, and that Gorgrael isn’t a good general (indeed) and needs an actual military man to lead his armies.

Timmy falls for it hook line and sinker, and cheerfully decides that joining Gorgrael will mean he can finally accomplish something. WolfStar thinks about how there was no need for Gorgrael to send Timmy all those nightmares but “Gorgrael was ever inclined to the melodramatic”.

First of all, this is more stone throwing in a glass house given how much the author loves all things melodramatic. And secondly, I hate, hate, hate it when people substitute “ever” for “always”. It’s not dramatic; it’s just lame and stupid and ripping off Tolkein. Paolini did it at least once in Eldest too. And I hardly think we should consider him a good example of a good, original fantasy author.

This scene goes on for way too long for what it is, and finally WolfStar offers to take Timmy to Gorgrael in his boat. Timmy asks him his name, and in an hilarious attempt at drama and “mystery” WolfStar answers that he has “many names, but you may call me Friend”. Yes, it’s capitalised. WolfStar really sucks at coming up with pseudonyms, and especially given what a clever guy he’s supposed to be.

Cut to – oh boy oh boy oh boy! Finally! It’s the scene I’ve been dying to spork ever since I started this project! Oh

It’s the scene where Jayme (no, not that Jaime) dies. Ooooh this is gonna be good. You’ll see.

Jayme is in his room where he’s locked up, praying to an icon of Artor the Ploughman, who was the One True God up until a few weeks ago when Axis wiped out an entire religion… in a year. Which is both a) Evil, and b) Highly implausible.

Jayme mentally boo-hoos about how powerful and important he used to be, then thinks about how a couple of days after Borneheld’s death, Rivkah came to see him. He thinks about how “beautiful and queenly” she looks and how can she stand there looking like justice is on her side, etc. They had a chat about how she was left to die, and apparently it was WolfSt- uh, Moryson’s idea to ditch her in the wilderness rather than just slit her throat.

Rivkah asked why they let Axis live, and Jayme says he didn’t know the kid was half Forbidden, or he’d have killed her before she ever gave birth to the little shit. Rivkah then asks a very good question – why the fuck did Jayme name the kid Axis?

Jayme replied that WolfS- uh, Moryson named him, and then says “It seemed a good name at the time. I could not have known then that he would prove to be the axis about which our entire world would turn and die”.

Yes, that’s seriously in there. Pardon me while I facepalm myself to death.

Rivkah then went on a little rant about what an awful guy Jayme is, ending by saying more or less that forgiveness is for pussies. Whereupon Jayme proved to be slightly more awesome than expected, because he threw back that StarDrifter dumped her, so looks like she was betrayed in exchange for her own betrayal, neener neener.

After that Rivkah ran off in a tizzy. Haha, loser.

And then Axis came to see him.

Why are we getting these important scenes in flashback? This is so unnecessary.

Predictably, when Axis shows up we get some immediate Sue praise as now his “aura of power” has “magnified ten times”. What the hell is an aura of power and how do you sense it?

Axis told him he’s going to be put on trial for “the wrongs you have done the innocent people of Tencendor”. Jayme spat back that Axis has murdered a whole lot of people himself and that “Justice always seems to rest with the victor, does it not?”

And he’s entirely correct. Nobody’s going to put Axis on trial for having Early Birdel and his sons tortured to death without a trial. Because Axis is the Hero. Or so the author desperately wants you to believe.

Axis being Axis, rather than offer any counter-arguments he just deflects and starts whining about how Jayme sent him out to kill heretics and such when he was BattleAxe. Jayme answers that he did what he thought was right.

Whereupon… oh this is rich.

Whereupon Axis looks “incredulously” at Jayme and says the following:

“Have you never thought to question the world about you? Have you never thought to question the narrow and brutal Way of the Plough? Have you never stopped to think what beauty the Seneschal destroyed when it drove the Icarii and the Avar [away]? Have you never stopped to question Artor?”

Oookay, I’m just going to do the obvious thing and edit this a little.

“[Axis] – have you never thought to question the world about you? Have you never thought to question the narrow and brutal Prophecy? Have you never stopped to think what beauty your army destroyed when it burned other people’s holy books? Have you never stopped to question the Prophet?”

I’m not seeing any difference whatsoever – are you?

H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E.

After that Axis informed Jayme that he’s going to “bury your hatreds and your bigotry and your unreasoning fears” and completely destroy the Seneschal forever and ever.

As opposed to Axis’ hatreds and bigotry, which are totally okay. Hooray for double standards!

Anyway, so now Jayme is alone again, praying to an outline of Artor which he scratched into the wall with his fingernails. While pressing his forehead into the floor, and no – that’s not offensive at all.

Then he hears a lot of noisy celebration outside, and goes to look through the window. Didn’t Axis specify in the last book that he was supposed to be put in a room without a window? Either way he sees everyone celebrating and cheering like a bunch of idiots because King and Queen Sue just got married, and while he’s watching the wall starts to crack open behind him. Jayme wonders aloud who the hell Azhure is, and then an italicised voice answers that “She is one of the many reasons for your death, fool”.

OMG who’s that?

It’s Artor. The wall picture just came to life, and because mystery and suspense are forbidden in this trilogy, the author just flat-out tells you it’s Artor and he’s come to have his revenge on Jayme for being a miserable failure.

Artor starts beating Jayme up, and it reads really uncomfortably close to a rape scene, as Artor repeatedly pins the guy down, and we get a description of him as he emerges from the room and find out he’s wearing nothing but a loincloth and a small cape and he’s all ridiculously well-muscled and shit. He’s also clearly supposed to be an unsubtle analogy for the Christian god, as he has a “heavenly kingdom” and “His” and “Him” is capitalised. Please tell me more about your issues with the Catholic church, author. And afterwards maybe I should introduce you to Stephenie Meyer – I think you’d get on great.

Artor yells at Jayme for letting Axis live and complains about how his power is now fading as the correct gods (ie the ones the heroes like) take over, and now Jayme gonna pay. Jayme begs for another chance and gets a lolno.

And then Artor rapes him to death.

Well come on – how the hell else could you read this?

“Feel My justice, Jayme! Feel it!”

…yikes.

And then we cut to a while later when they find his body, and “It looked suspiciously like… well, like it had been ploughed.”

Yeah – JAYME JUST GOT PLOUGHED TO DEATH! Oh my GOD. How did anyone ever manage to read that with a straight face?!

I’m not sure anything else could possibly top that. Here’s hoping the author didn’t – teehee – blow her load too soon! I think I’d better stop here on this - *snicker* - memorable note. *giggle*

...ploughed to death.

These are the moments that make sporking worthwhile.