StarMan Sporking: Part Six

[pangolin20]

The next chapter has a doozy of a title. It’s “Goodwife Renkin Goes To Market”. Sounds fascinating. We’re with a character who briefly appeared in the first book. She’s on her way to market with a bunch of sheep, and thinking about how ever since Faraday visited she’s had dreams of adventure and excitement and such. She arrives at the marketplace, and now there are a few Icarii about, and some guy dressed up like a fop singing about “ancient enchantments”. “The Goodwife” (uh, does this woman have a name?) thinks about how much nicer life is now the Seneschal are gone, and we get some retconning about how before Axis descended from on high people were scared all the time and so on and so forth. Something which literally never came up before now.

Then the Goodwife bumps into some guy with the hilarious name of Symonds Dewes. Apparently he’s the guy she usually sells to, so they start talking shop. Then a couple of Icarii Enchanters show up and start checking out the sheep. In a rather cute moment, it turns out the Icarii have been shut away up in the mountains for so long that they’ve never seen actual sheep before. (Then where are they getting their fabrics from? Are there cotton plantations up there?).

As it happens, the Icarii are the same ones Faraday met up with earlier. Their apparent leader is StarShine (I’d prefer some MoonShine right now if it’s all the same to you), and for some reason she becomes curious about the Goodwife and sends the trader guy away with the sheep, then invites the woman to lunch.

They grab some food at a “food hall” (I see once again that creativity is not going to be the order of the day, no pun intended), and the Icarii are clearly having a telepathic conversation with each other while not talking to the poor woman at all. How rude!

Finally the other Icarii, PaleStar (groan) asks her to tell them about herself. The only important part is that her mother “died of the milk-fever three weeks after birthing me”.

Milk-fever? And why did we need to know it was exactly three weeks, anyway? On learning that she was raised by her grandmother, PaleStar asks about the stories the old woman told her. The Goodwife (SERIOUSLY, GIVE HER A NAME) gets scared, and it turns out that her grandma was arrested and burned, and she herself was questioned endlessly about what the old lady told her. After some dancing around the issue, it emerges that she has “the talent”, in other words some kind of magic. One of the Icarii uses magic to help her remember and says she should use whatever it is.

Cut to her later on, thinking about how her grandmother taught her “herbs and spells” for medicine and to “engender love”. In other words, love potions? Or as I’d prefer to call it, date rape drugs? Yeah, I’m not too sad Granny got whacked for that.

Now the Goodwife wants to start using her abilities again, and thinks about how she can’t do that at home because her husband won’t allow it. She asks the Icarii to tell her what to do, then thinks about how her family doesn’t need her at home any more because the boys are old enough to do the work, and her eldest daughter can take care of the babies.

So therefore, it’s totally okay to just walk out on the lot of them without so much as bothering to say goodbye.

Absolutely no mention of the fact that her family will, y’know, miss her, or be worried about her, or spend the rest of their lives searching and grieving, never knowing what happened to their mother/wife.

All because she’s bored and wants “adventure and excitement”.

This woman is officially a selfish bitch. At least in those stupid feel-good movies the discontented wife gets a divorce before traipsing off into the countryside to Find Herself.

The Icarii tell her to go find Faraday and travel with her, and she’s all like “oh the poor thing must be so lonely!”

Unlike your family, who apparently don’t matter at all.

The morals in this series are utterly repugnant. Or rather they continue to be.

Unfortunately, the next chapter cuts to Axis. He’s camped with his army by a frozen lake, and is puzzled because Gorgrael hasn’t attacked them all with ice and storms and such. Instead everything’s dead calm with not a skraeling in sight. He gets a report from FarSight who says there’s a bunch of gryphons over in some place called Aldeni, which sounds like an Italian restaurant, along with a heap of ruined buildings and dead people. Axis declares that he’s gonna meet up with Demi Moore and Margarita and have a chat over dinner. We’re informed that he’s feeling “bleak”. Boohoo.

And Demi Moore is drinking from a “tin mug”, apparently.

He makes a moronic speech about how the Ravensbund are great at dealing with snowy conditions because – and I quote – “The snow was our nursemaid as mewling infants and our lover as men.”

Apparently these guys fuck snow. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Either way he suggests using some of his guys as scouts. Some further blah-blah ensues, little of it useful and none of it interesting, and finally it’s agreed that they’ll send the Ravensbund. We then cut to Evil Timmy for a few paragraphs, and learn that he’s planted some sort of trap. Which Axis will prance right through without suffering any sort of meaningful setback or failure, because of course he will.

The chapter ends there, virtually nothing having been accomplished, and we go to the next one, which is with Azhure. She’s sitting on the deck of a ship, seven months pregnant and feeling the twins “drumming [their heels] against the walls of her womb”, which is a bizarre mental image to put it mildly. How the hell does she know it’s their heels anyway?

Unfortunately StarDrifter is with her, and we learn that the boat is called The Seal Hope. You what now? We get a list of the other people with her, including Griff, and apparently Rivkah is taking care of things in Carlon. Meanwhile Azhure continues to be horrible toward her kids, as she thinks that she can’t wait to “drop these babies”… so she can ditch them and run back to Axis. Isn’t she just such a lovely person?

She also thinks about how much she misses Axis, again, and then mentally urges him to “Believe in yourself enough to live for me!”. As if that had anything to do with not getting shivved in the throat.

After that Azhure has a brief word with StarDrifter, and learns that he has promised Axis to stay with her. Azhure immediately gets suspicious and wonders what exactly he promised to the guy. We then learn that StarDrifter has been, like, super polite and well-behaved lately… and “Azhure knew it must have been hard for him”.

Yes, seriously. She’s thinking about what a terrible burden not acting like a predatory piece of shit must be. Poor fucking diddums. Why the hell do you keep enabling this asshole, Azhure?? He SEXUALLY ASSAULTED YOU!

This lovely interlude is interrupted by the arrival of FreeFall. The three of them have a happy little reunion, and then FreeFall points out the island – they’re almost there.

After that comes an infodump about the island, previously known as Pirates Nest, and how the Icarii are returning to it now and how it’s got “even more secrets than the Icarii counted on”. Who wants to bet said secrets will be really really silly? Or alternatively, that we will learn nothing further about them other than this vague passing mention?

Azhure and Co. arrive at the island, which turns out to be really big. Because if you want your epic fantasy to be suitably epic, then you must be sure to exaggerate the scale of everything as much as possible. StarDrifter asks FreeFall how much the priestessses know, and the answer is pretty much nothing. I’m betting most of them will just be set dressing anyway.

Cue further infodumping about the port town where they’ve docked, imaginatively called Pirates’ Town. Azhure goes to bed and has a weird dream where she hears Mysterious Voices™ saying things like “it’s her” and “feel the tug of her blood”, and asking if she’s dangerous. What is it with these fantasy authors and obsession with magic blood? Then they spot the One Ring, and when they find out it’s hers and her name is Azhure, they get all excited.

Yup, it’s the Star Gods at last.

This oughta be good.

Azhure is woken up by StarDrifter, obnoxiously calling her “lovely lady”. Fuck off, StarDrifter.

After that they finally start heading up to the temple thingy. Blah blah, descriptions of the landscape, they stop for a meal, they keep going, there are ferns and it’s really misty and jungly. Why the heck is the climate/landscape so radically different from the very European mainland? This isn’t a foreign country or anything. Azhure thinks about her mother and how she can learn here, etc. and so on, and she hopes she can find all the answers because “without them, Azhure was terribly afraid Axis would face terrible peril”.

And that’s just terrible.

Can we just go inside and get the damn power-up already?

Nope, instead we get a thick slab of description of the view. Azhure is asked if she’s okay with climbing the steps, and once again she acts like a bitch to her own unborn babies – she seriously thinks “damn these babies” because they’re making it harder. If you hate the poor things that much, get a damn abortion and shut up. Sheesh!

She starts trying to climb the steps anyway, and then faints dramatically. Griff catches her and mutters about how she gets her “cursed pride” “from both her Nors and Icarii blood”.

Because that’s how personality traits work. It’s nothing to do with upbringing or anything like that – it’s all just genetic. And I am a talking toaster in a dress.

Azhure is carried up the steps like the useless sack of potatoes she is, and at the top they meet a priestess who dramatically exclaims “You are her daughter!” Le gasp, I guess.

The next chapter opens with Azhure waking up. There’s a priestess here wearing a Greek/Roman toga. No, really, that’s exactly what it is going on the description. Again, the fuck is up with all the random Greek stuff?

The priestess calls Azhure “Sacred Daughter” and gives her a random tonic to build up her strength. Azhure asks for an introduction, but of course the priestess says she doesn’t have a name – just “First Priestess”. Azhure starts crying for some reason (she does that a lot, you’ll have noticed), and the priestess says don’t worry, she’ll “bathe and dress” her, and then offers her some Sue praise, saying how she’s not surprised “you command so much attention and love”.

It’s because she has the Correct Parents, naturally.

After some blather about the Sue Baby, Azhure is offered a tour of the place and StarDrifter and EvenSong are invited along. They’re shown a garden with lavender in it for some reason, and then the obligatory Awesome Library, and EvenSong makes a sex joke that’s so poorly written you could be forgiven for not noticing it was even supposed to be a joke.

Here it is for your eye-rolling displeasure:

“But I make sure FreeFall occasionally remember that I am here too, and that not all the wonders of the Temple complex are contained within stone portals.”

 

She’s talking about her vajayjay, Lololol.  

Then they get to see some random ponds… “smooth lawns”, “school houses”… is any of this relevant? Azhure, the racist pig, thinks about how insane it is that they have – gasp – educated pirates here. Because the pirates are black, you know. *cough*

Yes, I know someone who’s a pirate by occupation might not be expected to be particularly literate, but the “pirates” in this setting are very much described as belonging to a separate race of people. Who are black, live in a jungle climate, and practice cannibalism. Wow, no. I have a depressing feeling Douglass thought it was “progressive” to have a bunch of racist black stereotypes from the 1920s but add that they’re educated so therefore they’re not offensive stereotypes at all! By the way, have you guys noticed how well-spoken Morgan Freeman is? Sigh.

Finally they get up some stairs and emerge onto a balcony thingy surrounded by seats. It’s just like the assembly chamber in Talon Spike, but way bigger. It’s also very elaborately described. Apparently it’s full of “multicoloured mosaics”. Yes, very pretty – can we move along now?

…nope. Instead they start talking about the place for a while, and then the priestess reminds them that no food or flash photography is allowed, and no questions until the end of the tour.

Finally they come across a big green dome, appropriately named The Dome, but they’re not allowed in because it’s a restricted area and no-one knows what’s inside other than the First Priestess. After that they’re shown a very scary-sounding staircase going up a cliff-face, which apparently leads to some random place called “The Sepulchre of the Moon”. StarDrifter objects that he thought the place was “bricked up”. Not only that, but also “forgotten” and “disused”. Way to belabour the point, Mr Rapist.

The priestess says actually it’s still open, but “chooses its visitors carefully”, and he should keep away. What’s with all the sentient buildings in this setting anyway? The others are nervous, but Azhure thinks she hears creepy voices saying her name. Hint hint, go up there hint.

Then they go to the Temple itself at last, after what feels like twenty pages of admiring the scenery while accomplishing dick all. Azure is disappointed to find out it’s nothing but a flat circle of marble, with no walls or anything. She complains, but then StarDrifter butts in. His – ugh – “face [is] alive with power”, whatever the fuck that means, and he gives her some bullshit about how temples can be made of many things, including “blood and the hopes and fears of those who would worship within it” or “ideas”. That’s not how buildings work, shut up. Finally he says that a temple “can be built of light and music”.

In other words it’s going to turn out to be some sort of magical hologram thingy which will get lots and lots of elaborate description largely reliant on the word “beautiful” being used over and over again. Or so I’m very willing to bet.

The next chapter is called “Niah”, so this is where we get a big infodump about Azhure’s mother. The First Priestess, or Firsty as I’m now going to call her, sits with Azhure and says she’ll tell her about her mother and has no choice in the matter because Niah flat-out told her that one day Azhure would come here asking questions. Ooh, mysteeeerious. And stuff.

Anyway, now on to the nitty-gritty. Mummy Azhure came to the temple for schooling and liked it so much she wanted to stay, and Firsty was one of her schoolmates. Both she and Azhure nod solemnly about how “beautiful” Niah was, and Firsty kisses Azhure’s ass by saying she’s beautiful too. Yes, I think we all grasped that fact after the fifth or sixth repetition of it in this book and the book before that. Firsty asks if Niah is dead, and Azhure starts to tell her about it, but then Firsty says she’d rather not know.

Azhure then gets all pissy and snarls that if Firsty really “respected” and “loved” Niah, then she somehow owes it to her to witness her death.

Oh, so the fact that I specifically avoided asking too many questions about the horrible violent death of one of my friends means I didn’t really love or respect him? Because I decided I would prefer to remember him as the vibrant, creative, affectionate person he was rather than the mangled corpse he ended up as? Go fuck yourself.

Then Azhure shows her a vision of Niah dying horribly… somehow. I thought she didn’t know how to use her magic, so the fuck is this? Plot hole alert! MASSIVE plot hole alert! How the hell did nobody catch this? This book was professionally published! At least two editors and a proofreader would have gone through it! And nobody did anything about this?

Returning to bad fantasy – Firsty is horrified, as you would expect, and then Azhure breaks out the Pretentious Fantasy Speak with “Thus died my mother. And thus here I am seeking the answers to why she died”. Stick a sock in it, Azhure.

Firsty says Niah said she had to leave but Firsty didn’t know where she went off to, and she never wrote, but she was pregnant when she left, and also she left behind a letter. Or rather “a sealed parchment”. It’s for Azhure’s eyes only, naturally.

Azhure opens up the letter, and we now learn something shocking about Niah. Namely that she was – significant pause – a horrible writer!

No, seriously, the letter as quoted is appallingly bad, pretentious, overwritten and drowning in sugary sweet “romantic” clichés. I’ll quote a few samples to prove it:

“May the Stars that dance in their heavens dance only for your delight”

“I write this caught fast in the shade of the waning moon”

“A voice resonant with power whispered through the Dome”

BARF.

This is worse than Brom’s goodbye video from Brisingr. WORSE.

And here, as there – this is not how you express yourself when writing a heartfelt message to a child you loved but were forced to abandon by the Plot-O-Matic™. This is how you express yourself when you’re trying to show off how clever and erudite you think you are. (But in both cases, really aren’t. Like, at all).

She gives an account of how WolfStar got her pregnant, and it’s… really not that romantic at all, though it’s clearly supposed to be. Apparently she was up at the Dome thingy and he came flying down to her and opened with “I have chosen you to bear my daughter”, oh and also he was naked. Dude, at least buy her a drink first! Sheesh!

Niah gives a big flowery description of his “alabaster” skin and golden wings and hair like “copper fire”, and eyes “hungry with magic”, whatever the hell that means.

Niah believed the guy was a god, so therefore it was her duty as a priestess to obey his wishes and have sex with him. Which makes this rape by deception. Seriously, WolfStar poses as a god and takes advantage of some naïve priestess so he can fuck her. Hell, he wouldn’t even give her a name to call him by. Pardon me while I throw something at the wall very hard.

Oh, but that’s totally okay because she was, like, totally into it. 

We get a truly ridiculous description of the sex and how magical it was, and afterwards WolfStar told Niah to go to Smyrton and that Azhure would meet the StarMan there, and “be the axis upon which his entire life will turn”. Har har, very clever. He also told her all about how she has to marry Hagen and how Hagen will kill her, because fuck free will.

Oh, but he added that “one day I will be reborn to be his lover forever”. Yeah, by taking over the body of your own granddaughter, thereby scrubbing out her own identity forever. Lovely.

Azhure starts bawling and yells aloud at WolfStar “for lying to Niah so badly!” Can one of these characters please just talk like a human being, just once? Gah.

After this she has another chat with Firsty, asking if she’s ever seen a god up at the Dome. Of course the answer is no, and Azhure “bitterly” says good for her.

Then – oh dear god please tell me this isn’t happening.

Azhure goes into StarDrifter’s room and wakes him up. She lets him stroke her hair, and then – I shit you not – asks if she can spend the night with him, asking him to “tell me that you love me”.

What… the actual… fuck? She’s seeking comfort from StarDrifter? The guy who ASSAULTED her? The guy who keeps creeping on her? The guy who wants nothing other than to fuck her senseless? This woman is officially certifiable.

No word on whether he actually gets to fuck her, because the chapter ends there, so feel free to draw your own conclusions.