StarMan Sporking: Part Twelve

[pangolin20]

epistler posting in antishurtugal_reborn Oct. 9th, 2018 06:24 pm

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StarMan Sporking: Part Twelve

I don't know how many people are still reading this, but I finished sporking the book so oh well - forge ahead!

The next chapter returns to the Sentinels, who are still traveling around. Ogden and Veremund are in a sorry state and can barely even breathe, let alone speak. Which means no more unfunny “comic relief” banter. Woohoo! Thankyou, merciful author. Jackass and Zara are still able-bodied, and they share some dialogue. This brings their total on-screen interactions so far up to two, and their on-screen shared dialogue now consists of a whopping four sentences. Much character development. Very wow.

They’re currently in Faraday’s new forest, which they’re enjoying, and eventually Jackass and Zara head down to Fernbrake Lake. We keep getting precise details about how long they stop and rest each time, and it’s not the least bit interesting.

What some authors don’t seem to get is that listing exact numbers and figures in description is not in any way evocative, because numbers by their very nature are not evocative. Paolini has this very problem, only more so.

Which of these evokes some emotion and atmosphere?

“They sat down and rested for thirty-five minutes”

Or,

“They flopped down on the sand, gasping for breath, and stayed there for a good while until the ache eased in their legs.”

Hell, the second one isn't even all that interesting to read. And of course this isn’t even getting into the fact that as this is a world without clocks (or indeed any timepieces that have been mentioned), the characters should have absolutely no way of knowing how much time has passed, and especially not to the minute.

Anyway, once they get to the lake Zara has a good cry about how her hubsy is going to go in there, and Jackass has, like, emotions and stuff. Behold!

“She grasped his hand and kissed it, and Jack[ass] battled with his own emotions.”

Again, what emotions are these, exactly? Who knows! They’re just “emotions”. We don’t get to see him visibly fighting back tears or anything like that. We’re just told he has “emotions”. Riveting stuff, you guys.

At this point WolfStar shows up. I still don’t know why the author doesn’t just come out and say it instead of pretending the prophet’s identity is some sort of big mystery while also flat-out describing his “coppery hair”, when Wolfy is literally the only character with hair of that description in the entire trilogy. Well other than DragonStar, and I think we can safely assume the newborn baby isn’t up to this sort of thing.

He tells them everything’s going great and the stupid prophecy is just about complete. He also breaks the news about the whole godhood bullshit. Whoopee. He then kisses Jackass on the mouth. What the hell is with all this smooching? It’s like everyone is suddenly obsessed with giving everyone else a little sugar for no apparent reason. But, uh, no homo…?

Jackass makes a little speech to Zara about how he wishes she hadn’t become a part of this, and she “bravely” gives him kissies as well. This still isn’t how you characterise someone.

Jackass finally goes into the lake and comes back after “many hours”. WolfStar gives him his staff back and then looks at the other Sentinels. Basically, they look like they have radiation poisoning: they’re losing their hair, and their skins are hanging off. I have to say I’m not the least bit upset at seeing a horrible fate being meted out to a bunch of characters I loathe. In fact the only one I don’t loathe is Zara, and that’s because she’s a complete nonentity. You can’t hate a piece of cardboard. Not unless you try really hard, anyway.

Now WolfStar starts praying to the Mother by way of the lake. He goes on about how great the Sentinels are and how much they’ve helped her, and asking her to give them a hand. The Mother, now right out of nowhere being referred to by a capitalised “She” and “Your”, responds with a huge spoiler when she says (among other things) “Who are you to speak to Me of blood sacrifice? Must not My Daughter offer the ultimate-,”

Yeah, way to give away the big “twist” at the “climax”, you idiot. She all but flat-out told us Faraday is going to eat it. (Even more offensively, not only is Faraday going to die for stupid reasons, but she does so in Azhure’s place. Because gods forbid the author’s favourite doll actually have to suffer or be placed in any peril at the final showdown. That job goes to the loser character the author hates).

WolfStar starts crying like a little bitch, don’t ask me why, because I have never at any point bought it that he cares about the Sentinels, but either way turning on the waterworks does the trick. The Mother thinks that she can’t “remain impervious to the Prophet’s sorrow”, and “had thought him indifferent to pain or love”. Oh, and the Sentinels are so moved by WolfStar’s crocodile tears that they all start crying too. This scene is so maudlin it’s actually kind of hilarious. It’s like she’s trying to emulate a Greek tragedy and failing. Odysseus cries on a rock better than you any day, Wolfy.

WolfStar tells them to bathe in the lake and the Mother will give them a power-up to help them continue. And I’m calling copout on that. Loudly. Can’t someone just once struggle through and triumph without getting a free magical power-up? (The answer to that is a big fat no, apparently).

The next chapter actually has a good title: “Of Death and Inheritance”. The death of the Inheritance Cycle? I can dig it.

We’re with King and Queen Sue again. They’re leading their army and now everyone’s totally convinced that they’re going to win. Doubts over the outcome of this whole thing are so last chapter. Axis blithely declares that they’re just going to chill out until spring or summer, because he’s tired of fighting in winter, oh and also he has to wait for Faraday to finish planting. But again, he’s not going to send anyone to help or protect her or anything. Because it’s not like there could possibly be an attempt on her life or anything silly like that.Oh wait

This is the sort of overconfidence that in another book would be swiftly punished, but because we’re dealing with King Sue, it won’t happen. Did I mention I hate Axis’ guts?

Cue more dull descriptions of landscapes and travelling, followed by more casual misogyny – made worse in this case by the fact that it’s supposed to be “funny”, as Axis makes boorish remarks about how soon Belial and Margarita will be reunited with their wives and have to act like husbands and isn’t that just terrible, harhar. This sort of shit might have been funny in the 60s, but it sure as hell isn’t funny now. Magarita joins in, referring to Azhure as a “conjugal burden”, and might I add, he does this in Azhure’s hearing. Fuck you too, you walking cocktail. I drank all your brothers in Vegas with a side of burritos, so suck it.

We also learn that Axis “had not reacted well to news of his mother’s pregnancy”. See, this is how little regard the asshole has for family; he already sees his own brother as a bad thing as a matter of course. Rather than, say, an opportunity to have a sibling with whom he can share a good relationship, thereby helping to heal the wounds of having grown up with Borneheld. And no, this clearly isn’t supposed to be an intentional flaw. He just hates having siblings, or the prospect of siblings.

Come to that, why did Gorge have to be his half brother or in any way related to him in the first place? It adds precisely nothing to the story, and indeed is barely ever even brought up. Mind you, Gorge himself has also been barely brought up. The guy rivals Galbatorix for the role of Most Irrelevant Main Villain.

They eventually reach the mists around Sigholt, and there’s a long and entirely unnecessary conversation about whether they’re going to ride through the night or wait until morning. Oh my GOD I don’t care! What the hell does this have to do with anything?

After several wasted pages they hear the stupid bridge calling them. They cross it and everyone rushes out to greet them, including Cazna, who has some more teenage girlfriend dramatics over where Belial is. Belial shows up and pulls her into his saddle, and then we get a weird moment where the narrator says that “[she] found she was allowed to say no more, nor that any more needed to be said.” I have no idea what the hell that’s supposed to mean. Is the author trying to imply that they kissed? Or did Belial just slap a gag on her? Given how the guys in this series treat their significant others, I’m sad to say the latter wouldn’t have felt out of place in the slightest.

Rivkah shows up and gives Axis a hug. She’s now showing, and Axis “[battles] to control his emotions”. Again, what “emotions”? Is he happy? Sad? Angry? Bemused? Then Rivkah apologises to him. For being pregnant, I guess. Great, now we’re shaming a pregnant woman because King Sue is uncomfortable with having a brother. Fuck this book.

Margarita, who hadn’t known about the pregnancy, sees Rivkah and is pretty surprised, though in a good way, and Axis immediately gets sulky… and then has a happy little reunion with his kid. Oh, I get it, Axis – it’s okay for you to have a kid (out of wedlock, no less), but it’s not okay for Margarita and Rivkah to be happy at the prospect of parenthood. God you’re a hypocrite. What makes this moment even more repulsive is that Axis then declares that he, Azhure and the Sue Baby are now “a family again”.

Even though the twins aren’t there.

Because apparently he doesn’t consider them to be a part of his family, even though they’re his kids and he hasn’t even met them yet. The twins aren’t even mentioned. This is disgusting. I’m disgusted.

By contrast, allow me to present a guy by the name of Jeffrey. Born in the 1960, Jeff was – to put it mildly – a loser. He failed all his classes in highschool, couldn’t maintain a friendship, had no interests, was completely unmotivated, and became an alcoholic during his teens. He flunked out of university because of his drinking (he would literally get blackout drunk every afternoon), and was later kicked out of the army for being drunk on duty. After that he held down a string of menial unskilled jobs.

Oh, and when he was in his thirties it finally came out that he was a serial killer who attempted to lobotomise some of his victims with acid before killing them, took pictures of their dismembered corpses, and cooked and ate some of the flesh because he got off on it. His full name? Jeffrey Dahmer.

Basically, this guy was the absolute last person you would ever want to associate with, let alone be related to. Let alone be the father of.

But do you know what his father Lionel Dahmer did? All through his son’s wasted life he tried his damndest for him. He sent him to AA meetings, tried to get him psychiatric treatment, called him on the phone, spent time with him at Christmas and Thanksgiving. In short, he loved him. And even after the murder trial, he stayed. He visited his deranged serial killer son in prison, helped take care of his affairs, and published a very melancholy autobiography in which he blamed himself for what Jeffrey had become. When Jeffrey was murdered in prison, both parents were prepared to accept his ashes.

All this for one of the worst serial killers in American history.

Why?

BECAUSE JEFFREY WAS HIS SON.

Because a good parent loves their kids, no matter what they’ve done. It’s called family bonding. It’s called parenthood. It’s called fucking human decency. And here we have two characters, one of whom is supposed to “overflow with compassion and love”, and both of them have abandoned their own children… who have done nothing. They’re acting like these newborn infants don’t even exist.

I don’t have any children of my own and never will, but I’ve seen difficult children, and a lot of them. I’ve encountered children who acted like fucking pint-sized psychopaths, including one who used to punch little girls in the face just for fun, and one who used to fly into murderous rages so destructive he had to be physically restrained. I’ve met some of the most unlikeable children you could possibly imagine.

None of these children were abandoned by their parents. Rather, their parents continued to love them, and tried to help them overcome whatever difficulties were making them act out, even if they didn’t necessarily succeed at it. Even when they got so tired and frustrated it made them cry.

Because that’s what you do when you’re a good parent, or indeed deserving to be called a parent at all. Hell, I was a difficult child and probably made my parent’s lives miserable from time to time. But they stuck by me, because my parents are good and loving people.

Axis and Azhure do not do this, and they never will. Instead, now and forever, they will continue to act as if DragonStar and RiverStar are somebody else’s problem. Even though both of them know full well the kids are messed up because of something Axis did. Will he ever accept the slightest jot of responsibility for this? No.

And that’s why I’m quite comfortable in saying that these two are some of the worst fictional parents I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. Let’s face it – they’re both horrible people in general. I don’t even know who the hell I can root for in this thing any more. Zombie Borneheld back from the grave for revenge maybe- oh wait, he didn’t get a grave; he got thrown on a garbage heap because Axis is such an asshole he doesn’t even bother to treat the dead with any dignity. Damn.

Anyway, moving on at last… apparently cancer patient Roland is now bedridden, and Axis decides to go visit him. Roland is inexplicably happy to see him, and looks pretty terrible. Axis thinks that “the body was dead, but the spirit resisted and clung tenaciously to life”.

That’s not how death works, idiot. And if that was supposed to be a poetic metaphor, it’s a godawful one.

Axis tells him about Jorge’s tragic passing, and adds that Timmy did it, whereupon Roland responds with “Oh, no, Axis! I liked that boy.” Sara Douglass should have been banned from writing dialogue a looong time ago.

Axis tells him he’s got Jorge’s sword and has vowed to “sink it deep into Timozel’s belly”. There’s nothing sexual about that at all.

Then Roland says he’s ready to die and be with his pal Jorge again, and Axis has a bit of a cry. I don’t know why such a big deal is being made out of this guy’s death, or Jorge’s either. We barely know them.

Azhure gives him a kiss and says they’ll miss his “humour” and “wisdom”. What humour and wisdom? That’s got to be a trick; no-one in this series is funny. Not intentionally, anyway.

Then for no reason I can fathom, Roland tells Belial that he’s afraid and he thinks only Belial can truly understand that. Why? What does Belial know that no-one else here does? He hasn’t had any near death experiences that I’m aware of. I could imagine him saying this to FreeFall, who after all spent quite a long time as a dead guy, but Belial? You wot?

Anyway, then Roland does what people only ever do in fiction:

“‘I am afraid,’ Roland said again, then died.”

‘Riiiight,’ said the Epistler, then temporarily stopped sporking in order to massage her forehead.

Time for another digression: We like to put a lot of emphasis on people’s last words, since after all it is the last thing they ever say before departing from this life. Unfortunately, in the real world people hardly ever say anything all that profound on their deathbeds. My grandfather also died of cancer, and like Roland it was a sadly drawn-out affair. He lived on the other side of the country from me, so I spoke to him for the last time over the phone. During our final conversation, he said many profound and meaningful things.

Oh wait, no he didn’t. Having been a very intelligent and articulate man for all the years I knew him, during his last days he was confused and exhausted, and could barely make any sort of conversation, let alone say anything deep. He mumbled a lot and took a long time to respond to anything. The last thing he said before he died a few days later was… nothing. Most likely he was too out of it to even really be aware that he was about to go. At the funeral I actually asked what his last words were and the response was a chorus of shrugs.

Look, people don’t have some magical switch which flips from “alive” to “dead” the moment they’ve said something suitably poetic. That’s not how it works. This is just too goofy and contrived to be taken the least bit seriously.

Anyway, RIP, Roland. I barely knew ye. No, really, I barely knew ye. I don’t even know what you looked like other than being a big fat guy who then became a really thin guy. There are some authors who can characterise even the really minor characters with just a small amount of screentime, but Sara Douglass was not one of them. All her minor characters are completely interchangeable nonentities.

After that Axis picks Caelum up and flatly asks where he can find “they”. Who’s they? The twins, that’s who. Oh, so you remembered they exist now, huh?

This oughta be good.

And by good I mean it’s probably going to piss me right the hell off.

Axis takes Caelum into the room where the twins are in their cribs, thinking about how he doesn’t want to meet them (charming). He checks out RiverStar, and shock, horror – she’s not interested in him! Oh no, how terrible. Doesn’t she know he’s a Sue? Not recognising that Mary Sue is the most important and wonderful thing in the entire universe is the worst sin you can possibly commit in a bullshit story like this one.

Supposedly the only thing between them is “indifference”. Axis introduces himself as her dad and thinks “Much that you care”, while she stares at him with “cold apathy”. How terrible.

He tells her he hopes she’ll learn “charity and tolerance”. You mean, like the charity and tolerance you regularly display, Axis? Oh hay, maybe if being full of hate is something you can inherit, that means being an intolerant, cruel, racist bastard is something you can also inherit! I’m just throwing it out there.

Then Axis checks out DragonStar, and is met with “a torrent of hatred”. Uh, how? Is he reading the kid’s mind? What?

Hilariously, Axis exclaims “What have I done to deserve this much revulsion?”

….

………………………………………

Really? Really, dude? You’re confused by this?

Do I even have to make a list of all the horrible shit you’ve done? Torturing Early Birdel and his sons to death without a trial, raping and physically assaulting Azhure, the unspeakable thing you did to Borneheld, having Gautier killed without a trial (again, by slow torture), almost murdering Azhure, mind-raping Azhure and forcing her to relieve extremely traumatic memories, raping Faraday… do I need to continue? How is anybody shocked that Axis might be viewed less than charitably by someone else? Is everyone in this series on something?

DragonStar answers that he hates Axis “Because of what you did to my mother”. Yeah, no fucking shit.

Axis, lovely person that he is, reacts to this by getting angry. Not so much as a token display of guilt. An actually decent person would have, oh I don’t know – apologised and tried to explain himself, or something. Why are you acting like this is the kid’s fault, Axis? Oh that’s right – it’s because you’re the Sue, so therefore nothing is ever your fault, no matter how awful.

Then DragonStar declares that he should be Axis’ heir instead of Caelum because of his “power” and “potential” (what the hell does that even mean?). Caelum goes pale, because babies can totally do that on hearing something they don’t like, and Axis spits that Caelum was born first, and then says “let me love you”. How about fuck off, Axis?

DragonStar answers that he wants to be the “StarSon” (groan) instead of “that sop-eyed tot you carry”. Hahah, burn. I think I like you, DragonStar. He also verbally abuses Azhure. Yep, I definitely like DragonStar.

Axis is “appalled” and responds by – what else? – losing his temper. And he seriously has the fucking audacity to say this:

“How can you lie there and berate me for what I did to Azhure, when you tore her almost to shreds in your efforts to be born! You do not deserve her for your mother, and I, at least, am glad that you are not my eldest son! I have every reason to be glad you are not my heir, DragonStar. And I will not welcome you into the House of Stars until you have learned both humility and compassion!”

Again, he’s saying this to a fucking baby. Also, this is an extremely blatant case of “whataboutism”. Someone else’s bad deed does not make your bad deed magically not count, jackhole. You see it all the damn time in pathetic bitchfights in comments sections, particularly when the subject is politics.

This isn’t even a slightly justified comparison in any case. Babies don’t intentionally hurt their mothers during birth, and they couldn’t even if they were born with adult level mental faculties. It’s not physically possible. They’re not strong enough. Did this author know the first damn thing about babies? I know more about babies, and I’ve never so much as held one.

All that aside, Axis has some serious balls to tell someone else they lack “humility and compassion”, given his track record. You’re a cruel, violent, evil narcissist with an ego the size of a planet, Axis. You dress like a peacock, you strut like a peacock, and you’re an aggressive douchebag like a peacock. You are in no position to tell anybody they don’t have humility or compassion.

With that, Axis storms off in self-righteous fury and tells Azhure he wants DragonStar sent away from both Caelum and his sister, and even blames him for RiverStar’s failure to fawn all over his Sue ass. Because that totally makes sense.

Belial actually has to point out that DragonStar is only a baby, so Axis proceeds to lay into him, yelling about how “He hates enough for a battalion of Skraelings” and he, Axis, doesn’t have to live with that.

Well, Axis is definitely back to his old self. For a while the author did look as if she was developing him into a better person, but nope. We’re back to the original yelling, eternally angry douchebag we all know and hate from the first two books. So much for progress.

Belial, again being one of the only characters with any goddamn common sense, says he shouldn’t let this ruin his relationship with his son (too late), and suggests that himself and Cazna can take care of the kid for a while, and that Cazna would like to have a baby to love. Predictably Axis snarls back “Better to give her one yourself!” Which is both a) Extremely rude, especially given that he and Belial are supposed to be bros, and b) Doesn’t even make any sense given that Cazna is fucking pregnant. Remember that? Shotgun wedding? Angry dad who found out his daughter was knocked up? Any of that ringing a bell?

Axis “curtly” tells Belial to “take the boy. But keep him out of my way!” and then storms off.

Trust me, asshole, that kid is going to be way better off without you.

You’re the worst protagonist ever, Axis.

For comments: see here.