StarMan Sporking: Part Fourteen

[pangolin20]

epistler posting in antishurtugal_reborn Oct. 25th, 2018 08:28 am

StarMan Sporking: Part Fourteen

Just as I predicted at the end of the last chapter, this one is is called “Gorgrael Considers”, and that’s who we’re with. Let’s face it, this guy is having less and less impact on the plot every time he shows up. He’s thinking about what his gryphon saw and wonders whether he was wrong to go with pure brute force, and maybe some subtlety would be better. You aren’t capable of subtle, Gorge. Subtlety requires having a modicum of intelligence. That’s why Axis has no concept of subtlety and neither does Azhure.

He’s now aware of Azhure’s existence – “that raven-haired woman” as she’s referred to. Those poor bloody ravens. Gorge keeps trying to figure out who the hell she is, and then suddenly leaps out of his chair… which almost results in him falling on his ass, and he only doesn’t because one of the “talons” on the tips of his wings catches on the mantelpiece. Again, I’m finding it impossible to take this guy the least bit seriously.

If your world-destroying villain does nothing but throw tantrums and fall on his ass, something has gone very wrong.

He’s remembered the bit from the last book when one of his gryphons attacked Azhure, and realises it’s the same woman. Nice going, genius.

Oh, and cue more blatant racism: “…that race of women who often followed armies about offering their favours for a meal and a few hours’ paltry warmth in a bedroll. Not surprising [snip] to see her at the scene of a successful battle [snip] cuddling the result of some careless thrust.”

Yup, you read that correctly. All Nors women are sluts and whores. It might be excusable seeing this kind of blatant racism and misogyny coming from the villain… except Axis has previously been shown thinking the exact same thing, namely that “Nors women thought mainly of the pleasures of the flesh and very little else”, and at no point was he corrected on that point.

So I’m just going to call intentional racist bullshit. You racist asshole.

Gorge then figures out that the Sue Baby is Axis’ kid, and wonders why WolfStar was so riled up about Azhure being put in danger. He realises that maybe Azhure is the “Lover” referred to in the stupid bullshit please go fuck itself prophecy, and WolfStar has been lying all this time. And well gosh, maybe the woman who goes everywhere with Axis and has his kid is the “Lover” rather than the other one he ditched, currently planting trees with absolutely no protection or any help from him.

Unlike Axis, Gorge is apparently capable of calming himself down when he’s pissed, because he does just that and tells himself he should just kill both women. He also addresses himself as “my dear boy”, which is unintentionally hilarious. He sounds like some mustachioed gentleman from the 1920s.

The only thing missing is the monocle and tophat. And the ability to turn into a cute kitty.

But he realises Azhure is pretty freaking powerful and that he might not be able to handle her.

Instead, he decides to go after the Sue Baby. Except of course the Sue Baby is a Sue, so it’s going to fail miserably. But I suppose we can have fun watching Gorge suck and fail for the umpteenth time while we’re supposed to see him as a credible threat. Seriously, the only significant failure Axis has had when going up against him was self-inflicted. Gorge has triumphed over him precisely never.

The next chapter cuts to Timmy. He’s in the ruins of Gherkinfort, thinking about Gorge and wondering if he’s all that great after all because the countryside has mostly thawed out by now, implying that Gorge is losing power.

Then Gorge telepathically contacts him and lets him know that Axis is all better. Timmy is quite rightly pissed that he wasn’t allowed to just finish the bastard off. It’s called plot armour, Tim. Now Gorge tells him to go to Gherkin Pass and head him off, and he’ll have a bunch of gryphons to help. Timmy is all like “yeah, Axis couldn’t handle a bunch of gryphons before; he’s fucked for sure”.

This of course means that Azhure is going to wipe them all out the moment they show up, thus continuing the Inexorable March to Victory this book has been religiously sticking to.

At least in an anime or a video game it'd be fun. This book is in no way fun.

Gorge asks him about Azhure and the Sue Baby, but Timmy doesn’t know anything. He does however inform him that he saw Axis and Faraday going at it, and that they were about to be married. This causes Gorge to conclude that if Axis is married to Azhure, that makes Faraday the “Lover” by default. Seems legit.

Cut back to Gorge patting himself on the back over how Axis is totally going to lose and die now. Someone needs to read this guy the old bible verse about “a haughty spirit goeth before the fall”, because so far he’s made this exact same mistake about fifty times. Never show your villain gloating about how this is going to be just too easy, because the reader will know damn well this means he she or they is about to lose miserably. (Now I think about it, every villain in this trilogy does it).

The next chapter returns to King Jackass, “hissing” about the fact that Evil Timmy is in Gherkinfort. Belial says it’s a good place for Timmy to use as a stronghold because of “the memories the place holds for you”. Like what, swanking around being lauded as the best thing since sliced bread? Naturally Axis spends this scene snapping at people and generally being a disagreeable piece of shit (remember, Belial is supposed to be his best pal. Not that you'd know it). He also whines that “I do not want to hear this” when being told about the strategy Timmy is likely to use.

Because all good leaders prefer to stick their heads in the sand rather than listen to important strategic information. How exactly is this assclown a brilliant commander again? He can’t keep his temper, he’s a rude douche to all his important commanders, constantly, and he throws a tanty if he hears something he doesn’t like in a planning meeting. I really wish someone would call him out on it, but no such luck. Indeed when Azhure speaks up he just glares at her too.

Azhure then reminds him that “Fire-Night” is only nine weeks away, whereupon Axis loses his temper again, and makes a snotty remark about how he’s only got until “the third week of Rose-month” to get rid of Timmy and the Skraelings (hey, that sounds like another band name). I’m still wishing like hell that someone would point out that this lousy attitude of his isn’t helping any, but still nope.

There’s some blah-blah about whether the Strike Force should come along, and Axis eventually gives SpikeFeather the go ahead. Azhure asks if there’s been any news from Talon Spike, but the answer is no. I’m expecting an upcoming random dramatic scene in which RavenCrest dies (or someone finds his body and weeping and speechifying ensues).

Cut to Axis and Azhure later on in their room, and Azhure says she can’t come with him. Axis naturally reacts to this by violently grabbing her and ranting about how she can’t just stay behind to look after the kids.

Just in case you skipped over that part, this is what domestic violence looks like. And Axis will NEVER be called out on it, and nor will the narrative ever condemn it. And somehow Azhure will never have the strength to make him stop being violent toward her EVERY TIME THEY HAVE A DISAGREEMENT. Still think this trilogy is "feminist", anybody?

And yes, he naturally assumes that it’s something to do with “[proving] to me that you are a good mother”. Even though she left the kiddies behind on their last mission. Because, you know, she’s a woman and stuff. -_-

Misogynistic jackass.

Azhure answers that actually she has to go and help Faraday deal with Artor.

Axis dramatically whispers that he “needs” her, and she insists that she’ll be back in time. He then pretends to feel sorry about mistreating Faraday, as he whispers some more about how he wishes he’d “had the courage to treat her as she deserved”. Because Axis totally gives a shit about people who aren’t him. Not.

Azhure keeps insisting that she’ll be back in time, and we all know she will be. Otherwise she’ll have failed at something, and we can’t have that.

Cut to Imibe, the maid. She’s up on the roof holding RiverStar, and King and Queen Sue show up. Azhure holds RiverStar for a while. Apparently the kid’s attitude is improving for some reason, and also she’s – again, say it with me – “beautiful”.

This “adorable” little scene is interrupted when Cazna shows up with DragonStar. The Sue Baby reacts as if he’s afraid of the brat, and Axis yells that he said he wanted him “kept apart from my children”.

Note the use of the word “my”. Cazna notices too, and wonders why Axis could dislike such an adorable baby. Not being magical she can’t hear anything DragonStar says, and instead she just sees “a beautiful, cuddly baby”, who she’s nicknamed Drago and clearly adores.

Interestingly, DragonStar sans the stupid telepathy actually comes off as a real baby rather than a cute little talking doll. This leads me to start constructing a new headcanon in which none of these babies are actually telepathic – they’re just regular kids and Axis and Azhure both have paranoid schizophrenia and just think their babies are talking to them, and are now labouring under a shared psychotic delusion that one of them is evil. Which is a delusion that has most definitely happened in the real world more than once, and has resulted in a few infanticides at the hands of mentally disturbed parents.

This trilogy would suddenly make SO much more sense if both of its protagonists were severely mentally ill. Hell, they already act mentally ill half the time as it is. Axis clearly has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Azhure has Histrionic Personality Disorder, and both of them are sociopaths (in Axis’ case, a low-functioning one), and they quite possibly have Borderline Personality Disorder as well.

Meanwhile Cazna secretly hopes she can keep little Drago, and raise him alongside her own kids when they come along.

…yup, it’s official. The author has forgotten Cazna was pregnant in the last book. It hasn’t been referred to even once in this one, and now she’s acting like she has no immediate prospect of having children. Did the author forget to write in a miscarriage? This could have been fixed in one line if anyone had been paying attention.

Axis keeps on with the rage, yelling at the poor woman in his typical charming fashion. He also threatens to send her away if she doesn’t keep Drago isolated from his siblings, and we learn that he considers the kid to be “dangerous”. Riiiight.

He and Azhure telepathically tell each other that they have to “do something about DragonStar” when they get back. Like what, put him in the naughty corner? This is so fucking stupid.

Cut to Axis later on, watching Azhure leave on her Sue Horse and moping. Rivkah shows up, now seven months pregnant, and says they need to talk about her baby. Axis reacts with typical levels of douchebaggery, and says he wishes the kid wasn’t his brother. He asks her what she did with Borneheld’s crown and ring, and Rivkah asks him why he insists on seeing the baby as a threat and then storms off, and apparently her skirts are angry. I didn’t know skirts could do that.

Cut to the Sue Baby watching his “magical mother” leave. Gag.

Meanwhile DragonStar is busy plotting evilly about how he’s going to do away with his brother. Might I add, he’s a fucking baby with no teeth.

This is so effing stupid. I keep saying that, don’t I? Well it is. It's fucking moronic.

The next chapter goes to the Sentinels, who are now covered in sores. Zara is moping over how sick Jackass looks, and after some dialogue they head down to the lake beside Sigholt. When they get to the lakeside, they declare that something’s not right, and Zara says “It has the feel of subtlety about it”.

Subtlety? In this book? Pull the other one, it’s got bells on. What the hell does this even mean anyway?

Apparently they can sense something “crafty and shrewd” inside the keep. In other words, DragonStar. Right, whatever. (This subplot goes pretty much nowhere, by the way).

WolfStar shows up, and he can’t figure out what it is either, but whatever. He smooches Zara and thanks her for her “sacrifice”, adding that he’ll always remember her. Well, I sure won’t; she’s a complete nonentity. Meanwhile Yr keeps mentally guilt-tripping WolfStar over how unfair all this is. Cry me a damn river, Yr.

Zara gets the powerup, and WolfStar tells them to be there at Fire-Night (what’s with the dash?). End chapter.

* * *

Next up we return to Faraday. Her forest now covers “over eighty leagues”. I looked it up and a league is about 5.5km. So in other words this thing now covers more than 440km, or 273.4 miles for Americans reading this. For the record, that’s the length of the entire northern border of Poland.

Yes, that’s correct. One woman, working alone, has somehow managed to plant the equivalent of the length of an entire East European country.

In less than six months.

Without a shovel.

Basically this, several times over.

This is, to put it bluntly, physically impossible.

By contrast, I once read one of those inspiring articles people love to share on Facebook, about a guy somewhere in Asia who planted an entire forest all by himself, sans technology.

It took him more than forty years.

If nothing else, this is an excellent example of why using exact numbers and measurements in speculative fiction is a bad idea, because it makes it precisely 10.0056 times easier to make yourself look like an idiot with no sense of proportion.

Now Faraday has reached Smyrton, and as if to reinforce what I said earlier about this book not being capable of subtlety, the place looks “grey and dark” despite the sun being up. Hazel (who by the way has still not been dignified with an actual name by anyone other than me), announces that Artor is in there somewhere, in the “shadows”. Faraday thinks about just planting around the place, and somehow or other Hazel reads her mind and says she can’t do that and has to plant straight through it despite not having evicted anyone so far. Because everyone in Smyrton is just evil and bad and deserves to wind up homeless, apparently.

Faraday angsts about whether Azhure will show up in time, and then thinks about how her back is aching and it’s hard to plant “in this condition”, and it’s Axis’ fault.

In other words she’s pregnant, but the author is choosing to dance around it for some reason.

To reiterate: Faraday has planted her way across the equivalent of Poland, while pregnant. And she hasn’t even lost the baby. (Not surprising, actually, since miscarriages clearly do not exist in this lala land).

We now learn that Barsarbe and Shra have come along, and Shra has been helping out with fetching the seedlings. They’re now down to the final cartload, and the suspense is killing me I guess.

Cut to some exposition about Smyrton (how does one even pronounce that name?). We’re reminded that this is where Artor recruited his first worshippers, who were originally hunter-gatherers. As a result their civilisation “sprouted and flourished”, and ploughing “gave them comfort and security”, which is just terrible.

Now the residents have decided to dig their heels in and hold onto their religious beliefs, which is also terrible, apparently. The “icon” of Artor has started talking to them and has warned them that Faraday is coming to spoil everything. In other words, everyone (including presumably the children) are now evil cardboard cutouts for Faraday and/or Azhure to righteously do away with. Rather than, y’know, people. Godwin be damned, this is how a fucking Nazi thinks.

Meanwhile Barsarbe and Shra are insisting on going with Faraday into Smeartown, which is what I’m going to call it now. I immediately predict that Barsarbe is going to die in the next scene, and thereby be appropriately punished for not liking the Sues.

Faraday enters the town and there’s no-one around. Sadly no-one makes an ironic comment about how it’s quiet… too quiet. Faraday tries summoning the Mother’s power, and it doesn’t work so she won’t be able to defend herself. How does that work, anyway? We’ve never seen her use it, and now for the second time it’s conveniently de-fanged when she’s in danger. What’s the point of even giving her this unspecified power anyway? (Note from the future: At no point will Faraday ever use her much-vaunted “powers”, except in one token scene where it makes no difference. Not once in the entire book. They just magically become useless whenever she’s in danger, lest we see a badass scene of her taking on Gorge in a battle royale, Monstero a Womano. Because that would be too cool and empowering).

Hazel (who still doesn’t have a name in canon), tells Faraday to watch the shadows, cue obvious Doctor Who joke I’m not lazy enough to make, and not just because I haven't watched that show in years.

Some guy shows up and stares at them, and then a woman with a seven year old kid (who I predict will die soon despite being a, y’know, kid). More and more people start appearing, and they’re all “grey” and creepily silent. Faraday wonders how Azhure was able to live here this long. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t like this before, Faraday. Because it wasn’t, and I should know.

The people stand in Faraday’s way and call her a “witch” and a “whore”. Hazel says she’s a Queen, which goes over about as well as you’d expect, and Faraday gets grabbed along with everyone else. Well, that was idiotic. Just go blithely wandering into hostile territory, unarmed, and don’t turn back when you realise your power isn’t working – what did you think was going to happen, you twit?

Faraday, being a “strong female character” only in the sarcastic sense, just lets herself be hauled into the local church (it’s called a Worship Hall, but why pretend otherwise?). It’s a pretty depressing place, in particular given that there’s a heap of gross Icarii remains around the altar. Apparently the poor sods landed in Smeartown and were sacrificed to Artor. Since when was he into human(oid) sacrifice?

In a pathetic attempt at “feminism”, one of the villagers (randomly given a name, and a really stupid one at that), evilly thinks about how “weak” women are and how easily they “succumb to temptation”. Because we wouldn’t want to think the author is in any way promoting horrible misogyny or anything. That’s why only the Bad Gize have nasty sexist thoughts like this. *cough*

Oh, and the guy’s name is Wainwald Powle, in case you’re in need of a cheap laugh.

Anyway, so Faraday and the others are all tied up without so much as a token struggle. Because, being women, they need to be rescued at least once per book. The villagers start chanting like the thuggee cultists in Temple of Doom, and oh no, Faraday is going to die-

Oh wait, no she isn’t. Because who should show up just then but Azhure. And if you liked her at all before this scene, you’re guaranteed to hate her after it. Remember that scene in Forged by Fire where Zarq suddenly starts swaggering and posturing about how famous and important she is? That’s basically what we have here, except ten times worse.

Basically, the fantasy equivalent of this. Fortunately, as a woman I feel a lot less dirty about it when I really want to smack a bitch.

In what the author no doubt thought was a “cool” scene, Azhure shows up standing “nonchalantly” in the doorway, and opens with a smug comment. Then she tosses her hair (yes, really) and “saunters” into the hall with her murder puppies, and of course everyone stares at her with their mouths hanging open. Azhure then shows she’s developed an ego to rival Harvey Weinstein, as she “[enjoys] the feeling of power” and “[revels] in the shocked faces before her”. Oh my god, SHUT UP!

She continues to talk like a smug, arrogant little asshole, making nonchalant remarks about how she’s come home, and how the sacrificial knife is the same one she used to kill Hagen and isn’t that just an hilarious coincidence. Oh, and her eyes are all cool and mystical now, because of fucking course they are.

She then ever so casually takes the knife off the guy holding it and stabs him in the gut with it. While smiling. Oh, and she says THIS:

“It likes the feel of belly flesh, Hordley,” she whispered. “Feel how smooth and gentle it glides in?”

Um.

This is how a villain behaves, and an extremely unsubtle one at that. Did the author seriously think Azhure was being badass or something? Because good fuck this is just disturbing.

The guy’s wife calls Azhure a murderess. Yeah, no shit. The guy himself collapses but doesn’t die, and while the murder puppies chew the ropes off Azhure kisses Faraday on the mouth. More random getting to first base! What the hell? For some reason this gives Faraday her powers back, because apparently Azhure can do that now. Then Azhure telepathically orders the murder puppies to herd everyone into the cellar – again, while smiling. But then she looks at the guy she stabbed and recoils in horror because – psych! Chapter break!

* * *

The cliffhanger ending turns out to be pretty pointless, since the next chapter just continues the scene anyway. The stabbed guy suddenly loses his clothes and turns into Artor. Surprise! Artor screams “Bitch!” at Azhure and goes for her. Along the way he stomps on a woman lying on the floor and there’s a “crackle and pop” as her spine breaks.

Probably not the best choice of words there, because us Australians are all extremely familiar with the advertising slogan “Snap, crackle and pop!”, which you can see at the supermarket on any packet of Rice Bubbles cereal. So now I’m picturing three happy little cartoon elves.

Oops.

Being a god, Artor of course… goes at Azhure with the knife. Rather than, y’know, using any godly powers. What, he can’t just plough her to death too? Call down some lightning bolts? Smite her with holy fire? Anything?

Barsarbe finally does something that’s actually a bit dickish, as she pulls Faraday away from trying to help and says to leave Azhure, because Artor just wants her.

Shra, meanwhile, grabs Artor by the ankle to try and stop him, and gets punted across the room for her trouble. Can I see that again in slo-mo instant replay?

Faraday manages to knock Barsarbe off her, and she and Azhure start wrestling with Artor. Both of them start channeling their powers through him in some unspecified way. It’s not described what that actually looks like; it’s just stated that they’re doing it. Somehow. Artor does the same in return, and it’s not described how that works either, other than that there’s a “Circle burned in [Artor’s] face”. You what now?

Artor starts yelling, and Hazel drags Shra to safety, and then passes by “the Avar women”. What Avar women? I thought it was just Barsarbe. But now there’s suddenly someone else named Criah? Who’s literally never been mentioned before? The fuck? No, apparently there’s a bunch of Avar women here now. Where the hell did they spring from? Were they tied up too? What the hell is going on here?

The struggle with Artor keeps being dictated rather than shown, and we’re told that Azhure and Faraday are “courageous and determined”. If you say so.

Finally Artor runs away, “as the Huntress hoped He might”. Groan. Azhure, now referred to as the Huntress because that’s, like, so cool, hops on her horse and yells “let’s hunt!”. Because Azhure, being just such a wonderful, kind, compassionate person, thinks it’s awesome to hunt her enemies like prey.

Oh, and she laughs while doing so, and takes “glee” in the smell of fear. Did I mention that enjoying having power over others is not a good or admirable personality trait?

Finally Artor turns around with his bulls, and Azhure looses an arrow at him in melodramatic and stupid detail: “She sighed as she loosed it, feeling its loss as keenly as she might feel the loss of a lover’s intimate warmth”.

Because a piece of wood with a bit of sharp metal on one end matters as much as people, apparently.

The arrow takes out one of the bulls, which is then disemboweled by the murder puppies in gruesome detail, and then Azhure shoots the other one as well. Artor stares at Azhure, whose psychotic smile “broadens”, and quite sensibly runs the hell away from the murderous lunatic. The murder puppies chase him down while Azhure laughs, and finally bring him down. Azhure crouches over him and actually has the gall to start self-righteously lecturing him about what an awful guy he is and how much she bets he enjoyed watching her and her mother suffer. Unlike you, who clearly just enjoyed tormenting Artor and watching your giant dogs rip into him.

Then Azhure gets out Hagen’s knife, and “without emotion” uses it to slice Artor’s heart open in bloody detail.

And then she tells the murder puppies to eat him.

Heroism!

And that’s the end of Artor, and also a completely pointless subplot rendered pointless by the fact that – just as I predicted – Artor and his cronies were dealt with for free, with no sacrifice or loss on the part of the supposed heroes. Hell, killing him was so effortless that Azhure fucking laughed while doing it. Because Azhure is a deranged psychopath now, apparently.

If your favourite wish fulfillment Sue character behaves like this... seek help.

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