Brisingr Spork, Part 1: Author Note/Acknowledgements

[pangolin20]

theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2016-10-19 20:39:00


Brisingr Spork, Part 1: Author Note/Acknowledgements


Well I don't know about you guys, but reading this little number definitely got me all lubed up to read the book. I would have also sporked the recap of the first two books, but for some reason that wasn't included in my *cough* totally legitimate copy of this one.


As usual Paolini opens his author note thingy with his stupid made-up language. “Kvetha Fricaya”, which he immediately translates as “Greetings, Friends.”

1. I’m not your friend, friend.

2. Why is “Friends” capitalised? Unless this book is written in Old English or German, nouns aren’t capitalised by default.

3. “Fricaya” sounds like some sort of fantasy land version of potato fritatta.

4. Please stop flaunting your excuse for a conlang. You’re embarrassing yourself. Hell, I feel embarrassed just seeing you do it

5. Could you possibly sound any more bloody pretentious?

Yes. Yes he can. (Thanks, Obama!).

Paolini goes on to talk about how hard the book was to write, comparing it to “a vast, three-dimensional puzzle that [he] had to solve without hints or instructions”. Yes, this is because you’re trying to write a long and complicated story when you have no frickin’ clue what you’re doing.

He also explains that because the story became so damn complex, it was necessary to add a fourth book, which happily gives him the opportunity to “develop the characters’ personalities and relationships at a more natural pace”.

Okay, I’m going to stop you right there, Paolini. I have read this entire book from cover to cover, and it’s not a remotely complex story. It’s a string of disconnected, useless filler pretending to be deep and complex and failing pretty drastically. Character relationships are completely straightforward and lacking in any subtlety, the attempts at politics are one dimensional at best, and there is no acknowledged moral layering whatsoever. The real reason why the series became so much longer than it needed to be is that you are quite clearly incapable of recognising what is needed and what is not.

In short, you have zero discipline as a writer and boy does it show.

He then goes on to thank various people, including his family, and this bit was pretty amusing:

“Dad, for his unique perspective, razor-sharp observations on story and prose, helping me to name the book, and for coming up with the idea of having Eragon’s sword burst into flame every time he says its name (very cool); and my one and only sister, Angela, for once again consenting to reprise her character and for numerous pieces of information on names, plants, and all things wool.”

I would dearly love to know what those “razor-sharp observations” were. Did Dad advise him to compare absolutely everything to something else? Note too that Dad came up with the completely pointless flaming sword. That certainly added a lot to the story. Wait, no it didn’t. This reminds me of the time when my own father suggested I put a cyborg cat's head on a trolley in a completely non-satirical fantasy novel with no sci fi elements. Sure, it would've been cool (or at the very least hilarious), but no way in hell was I going to use it.

Authors: don’t stick stuff in your novels just because someone else suggested it. Whatever it is, it needs to be there for reasons other than “my Dad thought it was cool”.

As for Angela, she really shouldn’t have consented to reprise anything. Her character, as we all know, is utterly pointless, out of place and annoying as all get-out. Thanks a lot for being self-indulgent enough to keep writing stupid pop culture references and unfunny jokes just so you can have your little cameo, Angela. Your attempts at quirky dialogue make me want to jump off a bridge.

He also thanks his editor for helping to “tighten” the manuscript, which was apparently originally a LOT longer.

Pardon me while I stare at my screen in abject horror. Having seen what they left in, can you even imagine what they took out? I’m actually a little surprised that Paolini apparently hasn’t posted the extra content or said anything about it – I would have. Fans LOVE deleted scenes.

“The Craft of the Japanese Sword by Leon and Hiroko Kapp and Yoshindo Yoshihara provided me with much of the information I needed to accurately describe the smelting and forging process in the chapter “Mind over Metal.” I highly recommend the book to anyone who is interested in learning more about (specifically Japanese) swordmaking. Did you know that Japanese smiths used to start their fires by hammering on the end of a bar of iron until it was red-hot, then touching it to a cedar shingle that was coated with sulfur?”

Nobody cares, Paolini. At all. If this is an attempt to make yourself sound smart or interesting, it’s not working.

“Also, for those who understood the reference to a “lonely god” when Eragon and Arya are sitting around the campfire, my only excuse is that the Doctor can travel everywhere, even alternate realities.
Hey, I’m a fan too!”

That doesn’t mean it’s a remotely good idea to stick awkward and completely pointless references in your fantasy novel, Paolini. In fact it’s the exact opposite of a good idea.

I’m suddenly feeling irrationally proud of myself for not having watched Dr Who in years.

Look, if you’re going to reference something in your novel, it needs to be subtle. It also needs to fit the setting, and not be otherwise distracting to read. A funny sci fi show and an “epic” fantasy novel with dragons do not go together in the slightest.

Also, someone clearly hasn’t been paying attention to the show. The Doctor doesn’t “uphold the laws of the stars above” or whatever, and he isn’t a god, lonely or otherwise. But we’ll get to that when that particular chapter goes under the spork.

“Finally, and most importantly, thank you. Thank you for reading Brisingr.”

The displeasure was all mine, trust me.

“And thank you for sticking with the Inheritance cycle through all these years.”

Actually I gave up after the sheer mind-blowing tedium of Eldest and didn’t come back for years.

“Without your support, I never would have been able to write this series-”

Without us antis, hardly anyone would still be talking about the wretched thing.

“-and I can’t imagine anything else I would rather be doing.”

Liar. You’d clearly rather be doing anything other than still writing it.

“Once again Eragon and Saphira’s adventures are over, and once again we have arrived at the end of this wandering path . . . but only for the time being. Many more miles still lie before us.”

Could you please just talk to me like an actual person, Paolini? Please? Also, I don’t remember any “adventures” happening in this book. Adventures are supposed to be exciting and suspenseful, with interesting mysteries. And a good adventure should not feature fight scenes so boring they send the reader to sleep.

“Book Four will be published just as soon as I can finish it, and I can promise you, it’s going to be the most exciting installment in the series.”

LOL no it won’t be.

“I can’t wait for you to read it!”

But you should be hoping I don’t, because when I do I’ll be taking it to pieces like the nasty bitch I am. I officially ran out of patience for you and your writing a very long time ago.

“Sé onr sverdar sitja hvass!”

I told you to stop doing that, Paolini.

28 comments

[1]

torylltales
October 19 2016, 20:52:43
Note too that Dad came up with the completely pointless flaming sword.

You mean the flaming sword that is exactly the same as the Sword of the Rivan King in every particular? The only differences between the two is the age, and the 'trigger' for the flames.

Yes, I'm still bitter about that. Just another thing in a long list of ideas, scenes and items Paolini has "been inspired by" enough to steal them wholesale and transplant into his books.

[1A]

theepistler
October 19 2016, 20:55:10
Yeah, that completely pointless (and also stolen) flaming sword. Paolini also at some point claimed it was inspired by watching videos of swordsmiths pulling blades out of the forge all wreathed in flame or some junk like that.

I wonder if Daddy has also read Eddings?

[1B]

Anonymous
October 20 2016, 03:39:50
I doubt he actually ripped off Eddings. Flaming swords are the fantasy and rpg equivilent of sliced bread.

[1B1]

Anonymous
October 20 2016, 04:30:19
Yes. Anduril also bursts into flames. And there's a sword in Norse mythology that is maybe MADE of fire. But that doesn't mean all flaming swords have to be alike. And urial isn't the only famous blade in Tolkien, for example.

[1B1A]

Anonymous
October 20 2016, 09:46:39
hey Anduril does not burst into flames in that sense! It only did that because Gandalf was trying to make Aragon drop his sword. It is not an inherent characteristic of the sword.
-TTT

[1B1A1]

Anonymous
October 20 2016, 09:54:04
I wasn't referring to that. I'm pretty sure it glows and sparks when it hits orcs. Maybe in the two s been a while so I'm not sure. Besides. Tolkien has other swords for other heroes. Ringil, Orcrist, Glamdring Anglachel, Sting. Those have light but no fire. Anyway I am pretty sure Anduril actually means Flame of the West. But that might not be literal.

[1B1A1A]

Anonymous
October 20 2016, 10:16:46
Yeah. Anduril is described as glowing with white fire in the book of the two towers, during the battle of helms deep. But even that is just part of how it embodies light. It glows all the time if the sun or moon shines on it.

[1B2]

torylltales
October 20 2016, 07:55:56 Edited: October 20 2016, 07:57:15
Okay, let's examine that, shall we?

Brisingr

- forged from meteoric metal
- blue in colour
- magic-holding blue gemstone set into the pommel
- forged by Rhunon with the assistance of the main character
- magically lighter than it should be, and resistant to damage
- bursts into flame
- obtaining it is a major preoccupation of the character or series
- symbolic of Eragon's status as a Rider


Sword of the Rivan King

- forged from meteoric metal
- blue in colour
- magic-holding blue gemstone set into the pommel
- forged by Riva with the assistance of the main character
- magically lighter than it should be, and resistant to damage
- bursts into flame
- obtaining it is a major preoccupation of the characters and series
- symbolic of Riva's (and later Belgarion's) status as king

Oh no, there are dozens of swords in fantasy literature that have these exact characteristics.

[1B2A]

theepistler
October 20 2016, 10:04:49
There's also the little matter of Eragon and Garion having the exact same silver oval mark on their palms.

(Yeah, I think we can all tell just how pissed TT is about this particular ripoff. I don't blame him).

[1B2B]

Anonymous
October 20 2016, 10:05:24
Even having two or three traits in common would be dangerous. All of them? That's just nuts! Meteoric iron counts double for being the laziest justification for unbreakability in swords since the dawn of time. So the laziness of basic tropes and the laziness of outright theft.

[1B2B1]

theepistler
October 20 2016, 10:09:12
Yeah, there's absolutely no way anyone could dismiss this as a coincidence with a straight face. The level of thievery here is nothing short of mindblowing.

[1B2C]

Anonymous
October 20 2016, 11:47:23
Original poster here

Alright, that's pretty bad. I guess i thought just the idea of a sword that is wreathed in fire on command was copied.

[1B2C1]

theepistler
October 20 2016, 12:48:45
Yeah, swords (and other weapons) that catch fire are ten a penny in fantasy novels. Even GRRM had one. But this is a whole other level of thievery.

[2]

paulp1993
October 19 2016, 22:18:53
As Kippur pointed out in her Tropes book, the Doctor Who reference was among the most idiotically shoehorned reference in existence. Elves are atheist, so why would Elf Designated Love Interest be referencing "lonely Gods"?

It'd have been much less out of place if the person making the reference would have been a dwarf. But that's just me applying logic to a series that has the same relation to logic a rabies patient has to water.

[2A]

theepistler
October 20 2016, 10:11:05
And when Ergy asks her what it means she says she doesn't know. So she's just writing it... when she doesn't know what it means... for no reason whatsoever. Well, okay, the "reason" is that the author makes her do it just to show off his fanboy love for a completely unrelated series. Seems legit.

[2A1]

Anonymous
October 20 2016, 10:20:47
In general, Nothing wrong with just being a fan of something. On the other hand, warping the narrative to shoehorn in your fandom at the cost of any sense making? Seriously uncool. Like when grr Martin shoved a monty python reference into his last book, or when Paolini uses Count Rugen's "overdeveloped sense of vengeance" line in inheritance.

[2A1A]

theepistler
October 20 2016, 12:29:13
I never said there was anything wrong with being a big fan of something - wouldn't dream of it! But if you want to show off your fan love in prose form, write some damn fanfiction oh wait this entire series is basically fanfiction never mind...

And yet it still manages to stick out awkwardly.

...Paolini uses Count Rugen's "overdeveloped sense of vengeance" line in inheritance.

Oh, good grief. Really? Yet another ripoff surfaces? This series is like the Inception of ripoffs. For every one you find, there's three more underneath...

[2A1A1]

torylltales
October 20 2016, 13:09:10
Heil Hydra...

[3]

hergrim
October 20 2016, 17:56:57
Nobody cares, Paolini. At all. If this is an attempt to make yourself sound smart or interesting, it’s not working.

It probably works for the impressionable teenagers who first read the book, but it makes him seem a hell of an idiot when you've actually read the book. He gets a significant number of things wrong or adds things which - subject to future research on my part - are unnecessary and potentially harmful.

and for coming up with the idea of having Eragon’s sword burst into flame every time he says its name (very cool)

Paolini forgets Rhunon's advice here (don't add a feature to a sword because it would make it look cooler).

Also, swords should never be "cool". They should be beautiful (like an Anglo-Saxon sword), functional (like a genuine Ulfberht sword), terrifying (various swords with wills of their own and dark agendas) and, perhaps, badass (like Tyrfing, Gram and various other mythical swords).

“Also, for those who understood the reference to a “lonely god” when Eragon and Arya are sitting around the campfire, my only excuse is that the Doctor can travel everywhere, even alternate realities.
Hey, I’m a fan too!”

Pointing out the refences you make just screams "Look at me! I'm special!"

[3A]

Anonymous
October 20 2016, 20:27:22
Even magic swords rarely do stuff for no reason. Sting glows because its user had to fight orcs. Two points about orcs: one, they like to ambush people, two they live in dark places. So a sword that sheds light to tell you orcs are nearby is a genuinely useful tool.

[4]

maegwin_of_hern
October 23 2016, 19:45:09
So Mom didn't do anything for you? Not even tea? I don't know, but I think I'd be hurt if my son thanked 66% of his immediate family but not me.

[4A]

theepistler
October 23 2016, 19:53:49
Actually the note does thank his mother - I just didn't include that bit because it wasn't snarkable enough.


For your edification:

At home: Mom, for her food, tea, advice, sympathy, endless patience, and optimism

So yep, Mum actually did provide tea! And food. And some other non-specific things.

[4A1]

maegwin_of_hern
October 24 2016, 06:11:01
Ah okay, thanks for the clarification. And wow, the tea was really just a lucky guess because I remember him saying that drinking tea was part of his daily writing routine.

[4A1A]

theepistler
October 24 2016, 07:43:53
I've always found it a bit weird how authors like to go on about how they drink tea/coffee/wine while writing. I mean, really - who cares? And as usual Paolini successfully makes himself sound really boring. I'd hate to be stuck next to him on a long bus trip.

[4A1A1]

Anonymous
October 25 2016, 06:38:43
Everyone has a favourite beverage I guess, even if it's just water. But does it really have an impact on the writing process? It seems like it's completely subjective. The tea one person drinks for comfort gives another stomach cramps, etc.

[4A1A1A]

theepistler
October 25 2016, 18:19:31
It's just irrelevant, honestly. Why so many of us feel the need to share on that front is beyond me (I never have, myself).

[4A1A1A1]

Anonymous
October 26 2016, 06:30:49
I guess people are looking for connections between drink and process. like there's any kind of connection between what you consume and the quality of your writing. Plus it must just be a generic bit of small talk that's easy to bring up in an interview. Though I honestly don't think I've ever been to see a writer talk and heard him mention his favourite drink.

[4A1A1A1A]

theepistler
October 26 2016, 10:32:42
Oh, it usually comes up in those inane little interviews where the interviewer asks about your "writing process". And there's usually not much interesting you can say about it. Um, I sit down in front of the computer and type words?



Original repost:


epistler posting in as_sporkive, Jan. 17th, 2019, 05:51 PM

Originally Posted By: Epistler