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snarkbotanya wrote in antishurtugal, 2017-12-21 17:01:00
Brisingr Spork Chapter 38: Four Strokes Upon the Drum
Hello everyone! Bishop surrendered this chapter to Epistler, who then handed it off to me so that I can refresh my brain for Chapter 5 of Consequence (and perhaps get some spitefic fodder) by jumping aboard the Sporking Train. So here we are with “Four Strokes Upon the Drum”, a chapter title which doesn’t invoke a drumbeat so much as ring a bell.
[Caption: Gif from The Fellowship of the Ring with text 'We hear drums, in the deep. They are coming.']
Please, Paolini, stop trying to be Tolkien.
The chapter begins with a typical overly-long, poorly-constructed Pao-sentence. The vote for the next King of the Dwarves has begun, and the first vote cast is for Orik. Eragon begins a mental tally, and Paolini decides that this is exactly the right place for one of his trademark infodumps.
[Caption: Warning sign with caption 'Caution Info dump zone ahead']
The vote is decided by a simple majority. If there’s a tie, the clan chief with the fewest votes is eliminated and they vote again. That took twenty-five words for me to say, just few enough that I could fit it into a Sending spell in D&D. For Paolini, it took ninety.
However, the real problem here is that this should have been set up earlier. At this point, we’ve had chapter upon chapter of dwarven politics, but little explanation of how the actual vote tends to go beyond “most clans tend to vote with the Dwarf-Pope”. If Paolini wanted us to be tensely counting the votes, he should have set up the rules of this election back then, before the tense scene. It also would have felt much more natural to get this information during Eragon’s introduction to Dwarven politics, so we could learn along with him. Instead, we get this infodump during the “climax” of the Dwarven Politics plotlet, and it utterly kills whatever tension Paolini is attempting to build.
On top of that, Paolini is determined to hold our hands through Eragon’s every thought about the election, and his inability to make a sentence flow is hitting hard throughout this chapter. For example, while running us through how we’re supposed to be feeling about the vote totals, Paolini drops this sentence on us:
If that [a tie] happened, he thought he might break the stone table in the center of the room out of frustration.
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO DESCRIBE THE TABLE, PAOLINI!
Finally, because this is an error that makes me twitch every time, I must note that Paolini says that the chief with “the least votes” is eliminated in the case of a tie. That’s fewest, Paolini. Fewest.
We’re three paragraphs into the chapter, and already I want to smack Paolini with a ruler and send him to grammar school.
Eragon holds our hands a little more, thinking about how awesome it is that Orik got the first vote, and then the second clan chief steps up and votes for Nado. Paolini obviously wants the reaction to be “Boo! Hiss!” Unfortunately for him, while I am booing and hissing, it’s not directed at Nado or his supporters. It’s directed squarely at the fact that every single vote is written out as a line of dialogue and begins with “on behalf of mine clan”. Cut the faux Ye Olden Speeche, Paolini. It’s stupid, inaccurate, and fucking obnoxious.
Having the votes all be a line of dialogue is also obnoxious, especially considering the fact that each vote has to be translated for Eragon to know what was said. I could give Paolini credit for not mentioning the translation over and over again, but that wouldn’t be damning with faint praise so much as flatout wrong. The fact that Eragon doesn’t understand the dwarven language means that the lines should be glossed over, because as-is, it gives us the impression that Eragon actually can understand the lines. It’s not as bad here as it would be in a first-person narrative, but it’s definitely still grating in close third. Plus, it’s just plain repetitive.
Nado, now that he’s got a vote, starts acting like a stereotypical mustache twirler. Because he’s a dwarf, this means that he starts playing with his beard.
The next vote goes to Orik, and the dwarf who casts it gives Orik a significant nod, “the tip of his long nose bobbing”. I realize this is supposed to be part of his nod, but the phrasing here gives the impression that his nose tip is moving independently of the entire rest of his face, including the rest of his nose. The result is that I picture a dwarf with a comically large nose tip flopping around like a flaccid penis. You’re welcome.
Gannel, the Dwarf-Pope, is up next, and we get a big round of unnecessary recap as to how important his vote is to the entire election. This prompts me to bring up something Swankivy mentioned in her Brisingr essay: the clan chiefs voting by saying their choice out loud, within earshot of each other, with votes left to be counted seems like a pretty stupid system, especially considering the influence the Quan are said to have. As Swankivy noted, they could at least have Gannel go last, so he can’t influence other chiefs’ votes.
Gannel, as it turns out, votes for Nado. Shock, horror! Eragon curses in his mind! So of course Orik has to lean over and tell him that all is not lost, and there have been cases where the clans voted against the Dwarf-Pope. Under normal circumstances, I’d take that as Orik comforting himself as much as Eragon, but coming off the heels of the blatant infodumps and hand-holding at the beginning of the chapter, I’m not inclined to be charitable.
Predictably enough, the next vote goes to Nado. Orik scowls, and Eragon starts counting the votes and trying to calculate whether Orik can still win… despite the election not even being halfway done. Fail, Paolini.
Eragon tightened his grip, his fingernails digging into the back of his hands.
I… think he means “palms”. It’s also kind of weird to have Eragon biting his cheek in the start of the paragraph, and clenching his fists at the end, especially since the last mention of what Eragon’s hands were doing was several paragraphs ago. Where the fuck was Paolini’s editor?
Anyway, the next vote goes to Orik, and Eragon has to hold Orik’s hand by telling him that this means the vote is three to three. Eragon, you’re talking to the head of the clan you’re adopted into. He may be your foster brother, and he hasn’t been elected King yet, but at least some respect for the man’s intelligence!
Nado is up next, and he has to deliver a miniature Villain Speech while voting for himself. It’s a very obvious attempt by Paolini to paint Nado as a Politically Incorrect Villain, talking about protecting the dwarven kingdom from “the outlanders who have polluted it” and spending money on “protecting our own people, and not the necks of elves, humans, and Urgals”, and it’s capped off with another incorrectly-used “mine” just to make me twitch that much more. Eragon updates his vote count out loud, Orik makes a snide comment about Nado voting for himself, and I want to smack them both.
Next up is Freowin, whose sole traits seem to be woodcarving during clanmeets and having promised his vote to Orik. He votes for Nado, and Orik throws a little hissy.
Thankfully, Orik’s hissy is cut short by the fact that he’s next up to vote. He votes for himself and gives his own little speech promising “gold and glory” to all the dwarven people, topping it off with his own incorrect “mine”.
*smacks Orik* YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITE! You were just being snide at Nado for voting for himself, when you were planning on doing the same thing. Why is it that you’re allowed to make a bid for the throne, but he isn’t?
Next, well, I kinda have to quote this.
“Five to four,” Eragon said to Orik as he returned to his seat. “And not in our favor.”
Orik grunted. “I can count, Eragon.”
Thank you, Orik. I still think you’re a hypocritical dick, but thank you.
Now that Orik has told him to be quiet, Eragon assumes the Standard Brooding Position and starts wondering how he could rig the election. Our Hero, everyone! Fortunately for the whatever integrity the dwarven political system has, he can’t think of anything.
The next up to vote is another guy who promised to vote for Orik. Paolini tries to drum up suspense by having Eragon wonder if he’ll keep the bargain, but it falls entirely flat, because the delay isn’t long enough and Eragon’s brief “will he keep his promise?” line is such blatant hand-holding.
The guy votes for Orik, and Nado gets annoyed.
“Ha!” muttered Orik. “That put a burr in his beard.”
*facepalm* Paolini, the tone of that dialogue is completely at odds with it being “muttered.”
We now have two votes left: Íorûnn and Hreidamar, whom I will be referring to as Sexy Dwarf Lady and her loyal boy-toy. Eragon takes this time to dump a huge bunch of italicized thoughts on us, most of which are pointless “strategizing” that the average reader could easily come up with on their own. The standout, though, is at the end, where he thinks that he should “seize control of the clanmeet” by “sealing the chamber so no one could enter or leave”. Our Hero, everyone!
Sexy Dwarf Lady gives a signal to her boy-toy, then makes Eragon uncomfortable by locking him with the Female Gaze. Don’t know why, considering he’s a creepy Uncanny Valley demi-elf, but eh, I guess everyone’s got their kinks. Besides, it's kind of nice to see Eragon get a taste of his own medicine, what with all the leering at Arya he likes to do. Sexy Dwarf Lady’s loyal boy-toy votes for Orik, Eragon’s throat gets tight, and then Sexy Dwarf Lady herself gets up, makes a speech, and votes for Orik as well.
So, Orik is king! Yay! Or at least, that’s the reaction Paolini wanted. My actual reaction was to rest my head in one hand and yawn.
A bunch of dwarves called “readers-of-law” show up, which startled me a bit since they’d blended so far into the background that I had no idea they were there, and hail Orik as the new King of the Dwarves. Paolini beats us over the head with Eragon’s “head swimming” because he knows he’s “now in the presence of royalty”, which falls seriously flat considering how many times he’s been in the presence of royalty without his head swimming at this point. The head reader-of-law starts giving orders for everything to be announced, and…
“Heralds! Inform the mages with their scrying mirrors of what has transpired here today, and then seek out the wardens of the mountain and tell them, ‘Four beats upon the drum. Four beats, and swing your mallets as you have never swung them before in all your lives, for we have a new king. Four beats of such strength, Farthen Dur itself shall ring with the news.’ Tell them this, I charge you. Go!”
DUCK AND COVER!
[Caption: Gif of Minecraft cow getting crushed by anvil.]
*gets up, dusting off her front* At least this time the chapter title actually had something to do with the chapter itself.
At this point, Paolini starts rushing. I can tell because instead of describing the heralds running to carry out the reader-of-law’s commands, he just throws in an “after the heralds departed” and goes right on to describing Orik’s “dazed” expression, “as if he had not actually expected to win the crown”. Get your hands away from me, Paolini; I can follow your story on my own! It’s so cliche I guessed most of the plot points books in advance!
The other clan chiefs swear fealty to Orik. Nado is obviously really annoyed to have lost, but he does say the words, so everything is okay. Orik sets the date for his coronation. It’s boring. Then they leave and head down to “an adjacent chamber”, and…
There Eragon looked at Orik, and Orik looked at Eragon, and neither made a sound until a broad smile appeared on Orik’s face and he broke out laughing, his cheeks turning red. Laughing with him, Eragon grasped him by the forearm and embraced him.
*belting it out* AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOOOOOVE YOOOOOOUUUUUU!
The slashy fun is immediately ruined by Orik’s advisors getting in on the cuddle puddle. Eragon and Orik exchange a few lines of dialogue about how Sexy Dwarf Lady will probably expect some kind of favor for casting the deciding vote, and then they’re interrupted by “a long, low note of portentous volume” and stop to listen to the drums. Orik has a nice line about how he never expected to hear them beating for him as King, or it would be a nice line if it wasn’t ruined by another inaccurate “mine”.
“How large are the drums?” asked Eragon, awed.
“Close to fifty feet across, if memory serves.”
How the fuck does one make a drum that big?
No, seriously. That’s fucking ridiculous. The current record for the largest drum in the world is held by a drum that’s 5.54 meters (18’2”) in diameter. Here it is in action:
Paolini’s dwarf drums would be more than twice that size. That means, among other things, that they would produce a ridiculously low note. I suppose that fits with his description. However… that’s not the only concern I have.
How the fuck did they make the drumhead for that thing?
In the modern day, drumheads are relatively easy to make out of plastic. Back in the medieval era, however, they were made of animal skins. That means the Inheridwarves have to find an animal with enough hide to stretch over a fifty-foot-diameter drum. Even with the ridiculously-sized wildlife of the Beor Mountains, I don’t think there’s anything around them that fits the bill… unless they’re using dragonskin.
Yeah. The big fancy drums that announce that
That little bit of Fridge Horror kind of gets blown out of the water by this next bit of fuckery, though.
It occurred to Eragon that although the dwarves were the shortest of the races, they built the biggest structures in Alagaësia, which seemed odd to him. Perhaps, he thought, by making such enormous objects, they do not feel so small themselves. He almost mentioned his theory to Orik but at the last moment decided that it might offend him, so he held his tongue.
WOW.
There are a lot of layers to why that paragraph is awful. First, it makes Eragon come across as racist—and no, he does not get credit for not saying it out loud, because he decided not to at the last minute. He was seriously going to ask if the dwarven race as a whole has a massive Napoleon complex, and it only occurred to him at the last minute that it might be offensive. Heck, with that “might” thrown in there, it’s quite likely that he doesn’t even realize it’s racist!
On a more technical level, though, that is some seriously blatant hand-holding. Paolini is apparently not content to just show us a bunch of huge shit that the dwarves built and let us notice the irony and come to our own conclusions about it. Instead, he thinks that this little observation is so brilliant and obviously beyond any reader that he has to put it in the text. He literally cannot be subtle about what he wants us to ponder; instead, he hangs a big neon sign on it and has Eragon (or another of his viewpoint characters) dance around in front of it yelling “Ponder this! Think really hard about it, because it’s brilliant and deep!”
Unfortunately, it’s not brilliant and deep. It’s just stupid and racist.
Orik gets swarmed by his fellow dwarves, and Eragon realizes he isn’t going to get a word in edgewise via choppy, unedited prose. So, to get Orik’s attention, he does… this.
Therefore, Eragon said, “Orik Könungr,” and he imbued the ancient language word for king with energy, that it would capture the attention of everyone present.
Our Hero, everyone! An impatient little brat who uses magic to get people to pay attention to him instead of waiting for a lull in conversation like the rest of us. The dwarves all quiet down, and Eragon asks his question:
“Your Majesty, may I have your permission to withdraw? There is a certain… matter I would like to attend to, if it is not already too late.”
TMI, Eragon! Nobody needs to know that your bladder might have leaked a little! Either that, or he really needs to fap and wants to get to his private chambers before the rush of getting his way again wears off and makes him lose his power-boner.
Orik tells Eragon he can go, and says he doesn’t have to call him “Majesty” since they’re foster brothers (so it’s that nice gray area between incest and not-incest).
Eragon gives a pompous mini-speech about how he’s still a king and that’s not something he can ignore, even though he totally ignores that Arya is a princess all the fucking time. Orik “studies” him “as if from a great distance” and then pretty much says “yeah whatevs.”
Eragon skedaddles with his guards, and once they reach “the southern branch of the four main hallways that divided the city-mountain” he tells them to kick back because he’s gonna run the rest of the way and there’s no way in hell they can keep pace with him because he is a Stu. That leads to… this.
Thrand said, “Argetlam, please, you should not go alone. Cannot I convince you to slow yourself so we can accompany you? We may not be as fleet as the elves, but we can run from sunup to sundown, and in full armor too.”
“I appreciate your concern,” said Eragon, “but I would not tarry a minute longer, even if I knew there were assassins hiding behind every pillar. Farewell!”
[Caption: Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother walking into a room dressed as a jester with caption 'Good morrow, fair gentiles!'.]
*rubs temples* Good gods, that dialogue is painful. I challenge you, fellow Anti-Shirts, to read that aloud without either facepalming or cracking up. That is such awful faux-medieval bullshit that I can’t even give Paolini credit for the lack of Said Bookisms.
There’s a lot more fail there than just shitty dialogue, though. Running all day in full armor? I don’t care how tough your dwarves are, Paolini, that’s just not possible. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, though, considering all the ridiculous shit he’s pulled with horses galloping all day without rest or water; or, more recently, with Roran fighting for hours atop a pile of corpses. Paolini really doesn’t seem to have any concept of physical strain, to the point that his world seems to run on cartoon physics.
It’s also nice to see that Eragon’s ditching his guards despite that recent attempt on his life and all. I kind of hope there are assassins hiding behind every pillar; then Mr. Overconfidence here might have to eat his words. Of course, we all know that’s not going to happen, because Paolini has other “essential story elements” to get to.
The chapter then ends with Eragon running off down the hall.
Is it just me, or did this chapter feel kind of thin? All that really happened was the dwarven election, and then Orik got a bunch of congratulations and Eragon left to go run back to Saphira. This chapter was almost 3,000 words long, but so much of it was padding that it almost feels like one of Paolini’s single-page chapters. I suppose that’s a fitting metaphor for this book, really: little to no plot, but so padded and dressed up in Ye Olde Purpele Proose that Paolini can pretend it’s “epic.”
Next up is Epistler with “Reunion.”
37 comments
[1]
torylltales
December 22 2017, 12:48:09
The result is that I picture a dwarf with a comically large nose tip flopping around
A cuddly tapir!
[Caption: Futurama gif: Tapirs in the zoo with caption 'Oh, honey, look! The tapirs!']
Good gods, that dialogue is painful. I challenge you, fellow Anti-Shirts, to read that aloud without either facepalming or cracking up.
eh, I can do worse. But not by much.
"Nay, sirrah! I wouldst not tarry if yet a hundred villeins lay concealed among the very pillars! Fare thee well, gentle dwarf-friends, ere we meet again upon the morrow! Hurrah!"
[Caption: Gif of Robin Hood hanging from a rope and saying 'Ha Ha' in fake surprise.]
[1A]
torylltales
December 22 2017, 13:03:05
I'd like to say that now the dwarf politics are done with we can get back to the interesting stuff, but, well...
[1A1]
snarkbotanya
December 22 2017, 18:11:17
Whenever something interesting shows up in Paolini's work, he drops it like a hot potato to focus on boring-ass shit.
[1A1A]
theepistler
December 22 2017, 18:33:17
That sums it up very nicely. If it's not about how Awesome Eragon is, he's not interested.
[1A1B]
torylltales
December 22 2017, 20:18:00 Edited: December 22 2017, 20:18:37
It takes effort to write interesting stuff though, and Paolini has clearly lost all interest or passion for the series by this point.
edit:... has anybody else's display language been changed to Polish?
[1A1B1]
snarkbotanya
December 23 2017, 18:13:57
...no, display language is still English on my screen...
I think Paolini's problem might not be lacking interest so much as not realizing that most people aren't nearly as interested in what he finds interesting. He's constantly going into excruciating detail about things that he clearly finds very interesting, to the point that it's boring for everyone reading it. He just assumes that because he finds something fascinating, everyone else will pay attention to and love it. Sorry, Paolini, but I'm not that interested in every detail of that fucking falchion.
Basically, Paolini is not only tone-deaf, but also interest-deaf. He may have lost the cheery excitement that cropped up throughout Eragon and parts of Eldest, but he's still interested in and dedicated to the series enough to keep writing it, and he's still trying way too hard. He just really doesn't understand what appeals to his audience.
[1A1B1A]
torylltales
December 23 2017, 18:57:16
That's a very good point. I think Paolini may also have lost touch what what he found most compelling about the stories that sparked his imagination as a reader, too.
[1A1B1A1]
snarkbotanya
December 23 2017, 19:23:24
Indeed. He really does seem way too focused on style over substance. Tolkien isn't admired because he used fancy prose, Paolini; he's admired because he wrote a complex, original, compelling world that basically redefined the fantasy genre.
[2]
Anonymous
December 22 2017, 13:36:20
The title may be a reference to 'four knocks' that is in the Master's head (Doctor Who)
-TTT
[2A]
snarkbotanya
December 22 2017, 18:11:42
Hmm, I didn't think of that one... I guess I connected it to "drums in the deep" because, well, dwarves.
[2B]
torylltales
December 23 2017, 01:26:02
There's also the Four Knocks megalithic tomb in Ireland. I could really see it being part of a dwarven society's underground city.
[3]
cmdrnemo
December 22 2017, 15:04:06
I DM a running D&D game under the strict rules that there are no rails and nothing is so over the top it can't be included. We've had some fun with it. Recently the players found themselves deep underground at the border of the underdark proper, or possibly and entrance to the elemental plane of earth. They never bothered to figure it out. They were in the vast city of CasablORKa. The capital of the free DwORKVes (the K is silent). They were dwarves. Not a one of them would ever even consider otherwise. How could one possibly not know one's own race? Madness. Sure they were 7 to 12 ft tall, varying shades of green, couldn't grow beards, and had way too many teeth. But, none of that disqualified any of them from being dwarves. Since their culture was heavily based on the Disney interpretation of dwarfness they'll all wore bright coloured clothing and lived in log cabins. Of course that far underground trees and such were hard to come by naturally. So they made their own. Carving massive forests, complete with wildlife, out of the living rock. Following them with loggers and hunters. Felling and milling stone trees into rounds to burn and build. Hunting stone animals for food and leather. Obviously it all worked perfectly. Anyone who understands the mechanics of DwORKves (the K is still silent) understands already.
I wanted to set up a nice little cat burglary situation. Instead the players announced "down with the bourgeoisie and death to the oppressors!" organized a revolution and burned the place to the ground. Players cannot be allowed to have nice things.
My DwORKves (the K is silent) whose political system was never really thought through in the first place because honestly it wasn't supposed to matter. Still had a more believable government than these guys. Their city which obeyed rules based on a combination of 40K and Disney cartoons had more consistent physical rules than this place. Everyone involved instantly understood the limits and rules of CasablORKa. They knew where they could go and how to get there. They understood that a stone log in a stone fireplace would burn. But, that the fireplace itself, made of the same stone, would not. The walls of course, crafted of stone logs, were also flammable. They knew full well that the crayon drawing of a sun on the roof would rise and set followed by an equally crude moon. And that the citizen could easily be turned to insane violence for no real reason. Everyone understood the conflict between the french, the nazis, and everyone else. Maybe I'm just a little sad that place burned down. I thought it was fun.
[3A]
cmdrnemo
December 22 2017, 15:20:50
If I had a point. Your comment about the drums.
"How the fuck did they make the drumhead for that thing?
In the modern day, drumheads are relatively easy to make out of plastic. Back in the medieval era, however, they were made of animal skins. That means the Inheridwarves have to find an animal with enough hide to stretch over a fifty-foot-diameter drum. Even with the ridiculously-sized wildlife of the Beor Mountains, I don’t think there’s anything around them that fits the bill… unless they’re using dragonskin."
I know how I'd explain it. First you need an army of DwORKves. Second, because you need a single unbroken stretch of high quality leather at least twice the size of the drumhead. The DwORKves would need to hunt a creature of the finest obsidian. Probably deep in the roots of a volcano. Then skin it, stretch the hide, dry it out, oil, blah blah blah. There is a potential source for that sort of thing. The drums would sound a little more like a rock slide than ordinary drums. And it takes a metric ton of concentrated silly to even pretend it all works. But, that is how I'd let someone get a 50+ ft. drum set.
[3A1]
snarkbotanya
December 22 2017, 18:12:16
These "DwORKves" sound quite fun... a pity your players decided to destroy them instead of enjoying the silliness.
[3B]
thegharialguy
December 23 2017, 10:54:09
I'm disapointed that you didn't specify wether the K in CasablORKa is silent or not.
[3B1]
snarkbotanya
December 23 2017, 17:45:36
I assume it isn't, since the Casablanca pun works better with the K being voiced.
[3B2]
cmdrnemo
December 23 2017, 19:27:42
It is not
[4]
theepistler
December 22 2017, 17:33:01 Edited: December 22 2017, 17:35:28
And that's one utterly pointless subplot wrapped. The real kick in the knickers here is that after this you never see Orik doing any damn ruling anyway. So why bother making him King in the first place? Mind you, I also question why the dwarves needed be in the series in the first place. It's not as if they add anything to the plot - oh wait there is no plot. Damn.
I think my favourite part of this chapter is Eragon quite openly and casually considering locking the doors and threatening everyone into voting the way he wants them to. And Paolini apparently doesn't consider this to be psychotic behaviour. I think the excuse is supposed to be that Eragon is prepared to resort to extreme measures because the situation is just that incredibly urgent, but it's all but impossible to read it that way because both the war and Galbatorix are basically an afterthought in this book. We still have absolutely no idea what Galbatorix is doing or how he poses a threat, or why there's a ticking clock. So Eragon just comes across as having absolutely no respect for other people's ways and customs, and more than happy to consider using violence and threats to get his way. Again. (Remember how he already openly suggested to Orik that they just seize the throne by force and Orik actually has to explain why that would be a really bad idea? Apparently he didn't learn squat from that)
By the way, now-retired sporker
kippurbird (I asked her and she's officially quit sporking Inheritance, sadly) actually went so far as to consult an expert, and she learned that a fifty foot drum wouldn't just be impossible to find hides for - it flat-out wouldn't work. As in if you hit it with a hammer or a drumstick or whatever, it wouldn't produce any sound. So I think we can now add acoustics to the list of things Paolini clearly knows nothing about and didn't bother to research. How do they beat these things anyway? By jumping up and down on them like they're a musical trampoline? Oy.[4A]
snarkbotanya
December 22 2017, 18:21:45 Edited: December 22 2017, 18:23:21
So why bother making him King in the first place?
Simple: because he's Paolini's main Dwarf Stu, and therefore must become The Most Awesome Dwarf That Ever Did Dwarf by becoming their King.
I think my favourite part of this chapter is Eragon quite openly and casually considering locking the doors and threatening everyone into voting the way he wants them to. And Paolini apparently doesn't consider this to be psychotic behaviour.
Indeed. I think he intended this to be kind of like the various power/fix-it fantasies we all have, where we suddenly sweep into something and make it go our way; e.g. my recurring daydream about kicking Donald Trump in the balls. The differences are that a) Eragon actually has the power to do what he's thinking about and b) he's not just fantasizing, but seriously considering actually doing it. My daydream is a petty revenge fantasy; Eragon's consideration of election fraud/coercion is megalomaniacal and psychotic.
As in if you hit it with a hammer or a drumstick or whatever, it wouldn't produce any sound.
I actually had a sneaking suspicion that a fifty-foot drum wouldn't produce any audible sound, but without an expert to consult, I pretty much just hedged my bets and went for a different Fridge Logic issue pertaining to the mega-drums. As for how they beat them... apparently they swing mallets. Someone probably ought to tell Paolini that there's no way a mallet that big wouldn't be an absolute nightmare to swing.
As for him knowing nothing about acoustics and not bothering to research, I don't even think the concept of acoustics occurred to him at all when he was writing this. He just thought it'd be "epic" if the dwarves had fifty-foot drums, and so he wrote them in without even considering the logistics.
[4A1]
theepistler
December 22 2017, 20:12:45 Edited: December 22 2017, 20:14:52
Simple: because he's Paolini's main Dwarf Stu, and therefore must become The Most Awesome Dwarf That Ever Did Dwarf by becoming their King.
It's not enough for Eragon to be Awesome - all his friends have to be Awesome too. Otherwise he wouldn't be friends with them. And let's face it - Eragon's so-called "friends" are really just accessories for making him even more special. Not only is he an immortal dragon-riding super mage with super strength, super speed, super senses, magic sword, magic belt, magic ring... and so on, but he's friends with an actual Dwarf King! An an Elf Princess! What a guy!
Indeed. I think he intended this to be kind of like the various power/fix-it fantasies we all have, where we suddenly sweep into something and make it go our way
Yup. Most of us have the empathy to realise that using violence to get our way is bad and generally puts us in the wrong even if we use it against somebody we truly believe deserves it. Eragon doesn't have that empathy (or indeed, any empathy at all). And hell, the people he's thinking about threatening aren't even evil and haven't done anything to him. He just wants to terrify them with the threat of violence because they're inconveniencing him. I mean ye gods. Note too how he doesn't once stop to consider what Nasuada would do if he "influenced the election" by staging a fucking coup. She'd probably go ballistic. Or have a personality transplant and tell him he did the right thing because he's the Sue, more likely.
Actually, that could have been a pretty cool alternative storyline: Nasuada, being an idiot, assigns Eragon to oversee the dwarf election despite the fact that he's a supremely arrogant, violent asshole who thinks it's okay to force people to do what he wants using death threats. He proceeds to lose patience with the proper democratic process, stages a bloody revolution and puts Orik on the throne as his puppet ruler. Then he reports back to Nas, all triumphant and thinking he's done what she wanted. Nas then has to deal with the consequences while Eragon sits proudly in front of a burning dwarf temple surrounded by heads on pikes, busy patting himself on the back for a job well done.
I actually had a sneaking suspicion that a fifty-foot drum wouldn't produce any audible sound
Well hell, just listen to the world's largest drum in the video you posted. The woman's clearly hitting it pretty hard but she's barely getting any sound out of it.
[4A1A]
snarkbotanya
December 22 2017, 20:54:32
It's not enough for Eragon to be Awesome - all his friends have to be Awesome too.
This is another way in which Paolini is similar to Stephenie Meyer. Just as Arya and Orik show that Eragon is awesome because he knows an actual dwarf king and elf princess, Edward and Renesmee show how awesome Bella is for being able to catch the Best Man Ever and give birth to the Best Baby Ever.
Or at least they would if Edward weren't an abusive, psychopathic asshole, and Renesmee weren't a creepy, probably mind-controlling gremlin who crawled straight out of the Uncanny Valley.
Actually, that could have been a pretty cool alternative storyline: Nasuada, being an idiot, assigns Eragon to oversee the dwarf election despite the fact that he's a supremely arrogant, violent asshole who thinks it's okay to force people to do what he wants using death threats. He proceeds to lose patience with the proper democratic process, stages a bloody revolution and puts Orik on the throne as his puppet ruler. Then he reports back to Nas, all triumphant and thinking he's done what she wanted. Nas then has to deal with the consequences while Eragon sits proudly in front of a burning dwarf temple surrounded by heads on pikes, busy patting himself on the back for a job well done.
That sounds like a really good idea for a spitefic.
Well hell, just listen to the world's largest drum in the video you posted. The woman's clearly hitting it pretty hard but she's barely getting any sound out of it.
Indeed; that's pretty much why I had that suspicion.
[4A1A1]
syntinen_laulu
December 22 2017, 21:15:47
Then again, maybe Dwarves have evolved to listen to vibrations miles below ground, and they can hear their drums across huge distances, whereas all the surface-dwelling species can't hear a thing? That would actually be pretty handy and cool, but I bet not what Paolini had in mind.
[4A1A1A]
theepistler
December 22 2017, 21:23:50
That would be incredibly cool. Sadly, I think it's pretty clear that Paolini doesn't have the imagination for that to be the case. He just seems to think making things Big makes the story more "epic".
[4A1A1A1]
syntinen_laulu
December 23 2017, 19:27:16
Indeed, it could even be that the everyday use of such drums might not for communication but in mining: as echo-sounders for seeking faults or veins of ore, or even as a form of fracking.
But if you wrote drums like that into a story you would have to spell out their effect and purpose, since you couldn't possibly expect the average reader to work that out. There's no way that a compulsive speller-out of the obvious like Paolini wouldn't tell you that in excruciating detail, probably putting the plot on hold in the middle of a fast-moving event to do so.
[4A1A1A1A]
theepistler
December 23 2017, 19:59:22
Yeah, most people wouldn't be expected to know that much about drums; I only know a fifty fucking foot drum would be non-functional because Kippurbird pointed it out. And as you say, if such a cool idea was put in Paolini's hands he'd just make it boring anyway.
[4A2]
thegharialguy
December 23 2017, 10:57:38 Edited: December 23 2017, 11:01:51
Perhaps these are smaller dwarf feet. The foot as a unit of measurement was literally based on a foot after all.
[Caption: Washington Crossing the Deleware overlaid with text 'We Americans reject your royalty's laws, taxes, spelling and tea / but will never reject King Henry's foot as a unit of measurement]
Speking of which, shorter measurements are basically the only way you can explain some feets of endurance. Maybe those horses could run for days on end because a day is like six hours when translated to earth time. #FruitlessRationalisation
[5]
syntinen_laulu
December 22 2017, 21:19:18
Running all day in full armor? I don’t care how tough your dwarves are, Paolini, that’s just not possible. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, though, considering all the ridiculous shit he’s pulled with horses galloping all day without rest or water; or, more recently, with Roran fighting for hours atop a pile of corpses. Paolini really doesn’t seem to have any concept of physical strain, to the point that his world seems to run on cartoon physics.
Then again, Tolkien had both his Dwarves and his Orcs do that at various times, so while Paolini is certainly culpable as usual for blatant plagiarism, I think the blame for the implausibility rests with JRRT.
[5A]
torylltales
December 23 2017, 01:18:23
"I'm wasted on cross-country! We dwarves are natural sprinters! Very dangerous over short distances."
[5A1]
Anonymous
December 23 2017, 02:23:38
I think that line is there only in the movie. In the books, dwarves have great endurance.
-TTT
[5A1A]
Anonymous
December 23 2017, 03:12:38
And that trope just comes from Tolkien's own influences. Beowulf and Breca swimming in armour for three days springs to mind.
[5A1B]
torylltales
December 23 2017, 09:22:59
Yeah, I know, I just thought it was funny.
[6]
magicianofdusk
December 23 2017, 09:52:34 Edited: December 23 2017, 10:20:04
"The next vote goes to Orik, and the dwarf who casts it gives Orik a significant nod, “the tip of his long nose bobbing”
Because I'm a video game nerd (That's never going to change) with a massive thing for the Mario Bros due to Super Mario Odyssey, here's a thing I thought of when I read that: http://www.suppermariobroth.com/post/156819276305/in-the-super-mario-odyssey-trailer-marios-new
...Yeah. Not a "long nose", but lol why not.
Moving on.
I forgot what book/scene it was, but didn't something like this "bobbing" also happen with a lump in someone's neck once? Definitely makes me think your characters are cartoons, Paolini. Not good.
Oh, and hi. I have (briefly) returned from the "magical" land of college. Guess it's time to start catching up on the posts here.
[6A]
theepistler
December 23 2017, 10:26:39
I forgot what book/scene it was, but didn't something like this "bobbing" also happen with a lump in someone's neck once?
I can definitely say it happens in Touched By Venom. Just one of many, many unpleasant images in that book.
[6A1]
magicianofdusk
December 23 2017, 10:32:16
Dear gods, don't remind me of that... Book.
[6A1A]
theepistler
December 23 2017, 10:35:54
Too late....
[Caption: Picture of a woman sitting in a shower, with her arms folded around her knees.]
[6A1A1]
magicianofdusk
December 23 2017, 10:41:39
(Incoherent screaming)
[7]
hergrim
December 24 2017, 21:55:23
Yeah. The big fancy drums that announce that the new pope has been chosen the new dwarf king has been elected? They’re probably made of dragon hides. This is the kind of stuff you get when you supersize things without thinking, Paolini.
This is now my headcanon. The dwarves of old were so metal that they hunted dragons to make their drums. Hell, they probably went around wearing dragon skin capes, boots, belts, etc. Wearing your enemy as a trophy would be pretty badass.