Brisingr Spork Chapter 40: Ascension
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snarkbotanya wrote in antishurtugal, 2017-01-08 21:52:00
Brisingr Spork Chapter 40: Ascension
Hi everyone! It seems 
doomotter had some other things to do, so this chapter has fallen into my grabby little hands. And oh, boy, am I gonna have a fun time with this one.
First off, I’d like to frown at the chapter title a little. At first, I was going to give it credit for being concise and pertinent to what happens in the chapter, but the more I looked at it, the more I got a distinctly pretentious vibe. “Ascension” is clearly referring to Orik’s ascent to the throne, but the word itself is… somewhat loaded, shall we say. To call this coronation an “ascension” implies some kind of metaphysical transcendence, as if Orik is becoming a god rather than a king. Considering Paolini’s consistent misuse of long vocabulary words throughout the entire series, as well as the absolute fuckery to come in this chapter, I’m not going to be giving any leeway.
All things considered, “Ascent” probably would have been more appropriate.
The chapter begins with Paolini’s idea of setup.
The Drums of Derva sounded, summoning the dwarves of Tronjheim to witness the coronation of their new king.
The combination of pretentious drama and obvious rushing almost gave me whiplash. This sentence really does exemplify Paolini’s technical faults, particularly as relates to scene and chapter transitions. The wording is lofty and portentous… except at the end, where he just wants to get the sentence over with so he can get to the meat. And really, when you pull back and look at what’s happening here, you get… nothing. I don’t care about the drums, or the dwarves, or the coronation.
In true Pao-fashion, we have a brief flashback of Orik talking about all the things that usually happen after a coronation, capped off with a “these are hardly normal times” as our Weak Attempt At Tension for this page. It’s awful, and the only thing I can say in its favor is that at least we didn’t have to actually see any of the bullshit Orik is describing.
A bit of an interesting point: when I read all this, I couldn’t decide whether all these parties and ceremonies and shit were things Paolini wanted to include but was told not to, or things he decided not to include and felt the need to hand-wave because oh, how will the story go on without them?! I have a sneaking suspicion that there’s some degree of both. We all know that Paolini rarely trims things down, but there are points at which he just gets lazy. He probably wanted to include all sorts of dwarven partying, but didn’t feel like writing a huge section of it… so he threw in a mention of it as a compromise.
However, this compromise just opens up some society-related plotholes. As far as I can tell, dwarven society pretty much shuts down when they get a new monarch, just so that everyone who wants to can come to the coronation and party it up.
The utter uselessness of that bit of infodumping gets shoved in our faces with a large side of whiplash when we are immediately shunted back to the topic of where Eragon and Saphira are currently standing. (By the way, when I went to write “Eragon” there, I initially wrote “Paolini.”) They’re in a “mile-long” hallway that’s absolutely full of dwarves “listening to the pounding of the giant drums.”
Speaking of those drums, Epistler informed me in the comments on Four Strokes Upon the Drum that former sporkerkippurbird has it on good authority that a fifty-foot drum wouldn’t work. That is, a drum that big would be physically incapable of producing any audible sound. So, Paolini?
[Caption: Broken drum with sad face on it.]
Fail.
Saphira’s barbed tongue rasped against her scales as she licked her chops, which she had been doing ever since she finished devouring five full-grown sheep earlier that morning. Then she lifted her left foreleg and rubbed her muzzle against it.
First, I was annoyed by the technical awfulness of that first sentence, which is far too long and gives us nothing but entirely useless information that absolutely nobody but Paolini himself cares about. Then I got annoyed by Saphira blatantly becoming a cat again.
Seriously, though: why does Saphira lick herself to keep clean? Reptiles, as far as I can tell, don’t do that. Scales typically repel most kinds of dirt, to the point that some lizards are effectively self-cleaning; besides, most of them lack the tongue length and/or neck flexibility to clean themselves via licking. But, okay, dragons aren’t standard reptiles, they’re warm-blooded and six-limbed and all that jazz. It still doesn’t work!
You know what Saphira should be doing to keep clean? Preening. Inheridragons don’t shed their entire skins, so their old scales loosen and fall off one at a time. Saphira should be nipping and rubbing at itchy scales, or, if we want to keep the vanity thing going, trying to get rid of any that are getting dull or scratched. It would make sense with her apparent physiology, and wouldn’t make her obviously a giant fucking cat.
*pouty whisper* Verja preens.
Eragon tells Saphira to keep still, and she says she’s got wool in her teeth. Apparently she hates eating sheep, because they give her “hair balls and indigestion.”
[Caption: Cat clothed in dragon suit, with speech bubble 'Rawr!']
Again with the cats! Now, don’t get me wrong: I love cats. Anyone who hangs out on the Cards Against Humanity Discord channel is well aware of my tendency to fawn endlessly over my cat. Heck, she’s my default avatar on this site! I’m also fond of dragons, sometimes even when they aren’t done particularly well. This, though…
Paolini, just because two things taste good individually does not mean you can mix them, or use them interchangeably. Case in point: bacon chocolate. That shit is disgusting.
My point is, Saphira should not be coughing up hairballs. Furthermore, the fact that she apparently just forgot that sheep give her indigestion does not speak well for her mental faculties.
Of course, all this really is is one of Paolini’s poor attempts at comedy. I’m sorry, Pao-Pao, but you can’t do comedy.
Eragon promises to clean her teeth, they talk about whether they have something that would settle her stomach, blah blah, Eragon cuts himself off because the drums have stopped and the coronation must be starting. Bloody hell, at this point I almost welcome the boring dwarven politics, because at least it’s not Eragon and Saphira’s inane banter.
Trumpets blare, and a choir starts up. For some reason, Paolini deems it necessary to tell us that this is a choir “of dwarves”. We’re in Tronjheim watching Orik’s coronation as King of the Dwarves, Paolini; I think we can figure it out. Saphira lashes her tail, having transformed yet again into a cat, and Eragon thinks, “Here we go.” That doesn’t sound particularly in-character for the guy who spouts purple dialogue all the time, but when has Paolini ever written consistent characters? Oh, that's right: never.
Eragon and Saphira head into Tronjheim and… the Star Rose is there? Oh yeah, that was a thing. Apparently the dwarves managed to get it ready for magical repair just in time for the coronation, and I am calling bullshit on that, because it’s way too fucking convenient. They’ve also set up the fancy royal throne right next to it, the better to highlight the utter contrivance. The throne is “facing the eastern branch of the four main hallways that divided Tronjheim, east because it was the direction of the rising sun and that symbolized the dawning of a new age”, and I don’t give a shit, because the only reason it’s going to feel like a new age is because Paolini has already spent an age on these horrifically overwrought descriptions. There’s also a big procession, including Orik’s wife, Hvedra. Apparently he called her to Tronjheim in anticipation of becoming King several chapters ago; it seems Paolini didn't remember that she existed when he was writing that chapter, so he added the little infodump here.
Anyway, Orik comes walking down the aisle, decked out like the tackiest Bridezilla in Alaglag and definitely taking his sweet-ass time to get there. No, really; the narration outright says that it takes half an hour. I get that Tronjheim is huge, Paolini, but fuck is it boring to hear about your character doing nothing but watch another character walk for thirty minutes. This is more pointless than watching fishing.
Twelve dwarf children followed Orik, six male and six female, or so Eragon assumed based upon the cut of their hair. The children were garbed in tunics of red and brown and gold, and they each carried in their cupped hands a polished orb six inches across, every orb a different species of stone.
Paolini… stones do not have “species.” I know you meant it in the sense of a "type" or “kind” rather than the actual biological definition of a species, which can actually be pretty difficult to pin down, but seriously… Stones. Do not. Have species. *stern glare of sternness*
I’m also quite irked by that comment about the dwarf kids’ hairstyles. It’s completely unnecessary, and adding it just begs the question of what it was about their hairstyles that made Eragon assume their genders. Do the girls have braids? Do the boys have the beginnings of beards? Really, though, this whole description should be trimmed off, because it adds absolutely nothing to the story.
Someone throws rose petals into the chamber as Orik comes in, and it’s described in such purple prose that I physically gagged while reading it. Finally, Orik reaches the big chair and stops, and Eragon gets all excited because he doesn’t know what’s coming next. He’s going to get a crown stuck on his head, Ergs, you dimbulb. Gannel the Dwarf-Pope walks in, smacks a staff on the ground, and yells“YOU SHALL NOT PASS” something in the dwarf language. Then he starts a speech, and we are mercifully spared a transcript due to the absence of Eragon’s translator… at least for the first part of the speech. Then… well, this is one of the infamous moments of the book, so you probably know what’s coming.
Gannel starts speaking in the Ancient Language, and what he’s saying is a long-ass prayer to the dwarf god Gûntera, whom I will call Gunther because I don’t like having to search through the Special Characters list for U-circumflex. He asks if Gunther will crown “Orik, Thrifk’s son” (an Eye of Argon patronym if I’ve ever seen one), and, well…
Eragon followed her gaze and, thirty feet above, saw a disturbance among the tumbling petals: a gap, a void where the petals would not fall, as if an invisible object occupied the space. The disturbance spread, extending all the way to the floor, and the void outlined by the petals assumed the shape of a creature with arms and legs like a dwarf or a man or an elf or an Urgal, but of different proportions than any race Eragon had knowledge of; the head was nearly the width of the shoulders, the massive arms hung below the knees, and while the torso was bulky, the legs were short and crooked.
It begins…
That description, by the way, makes me picture this guy.
[Caption: Strong Mad from Homestar Runner]
Majestic.
Thin, needle-sharp rays of watery light radiated outward from the shape, and there appeared the nebulous image of a gigantic, shaggy-haired male figure of the form the petals had traced. The god, if god he was, wore nothing but a knotted loincloth. His face was dark and heavy and seemed to contain equal amounts of cruelty and kindness, as if he might veer between the extremes of both without warning.
So… StrongMad covered in bronzer and wearing nothing but a loincloth and a wig. Charming.
By the way, even with that “if god he was” bit, this thing is going to be referred to as a god throughout the rest of its description, and most of the chapter.
As he noticed those details, Eragon also became aware of the presence of a strange, far-reaching consciousness within the chamber, a consciousness of unreadable thoughts and unfathomable depths, a consciousness that flashed and growled and billowed in unexpected directions, like a summer thunderstorm. Eragon quickly sequestered his mind from the touch of the other. His skin prickled, and a cold shiver ran down him. He did not know what he had felt, but fear gripped him, and he looked at Saphira for comfort. She was staring at the figure, her blue cat eyes sparkling with unusual intensity.
[Caption: Picture of Dylan Moran with headphones with text 'I can feel bits of my brain / falling away like a wet cake']
The dwarves all sink to their knees, and then the apparition starts talking. I’ll spare you the purple description of its voice, because frankly, transcribing all of that shit is starting to give me an actual headache. I actually had to go lie down for a moment.
Gunther asks Orik three questions, makes a crown materialize on Orik’s head, then laughs like a moron and vanishes. Gannel “proclaims” something in the dwarf language, and Orik finally walks up and sits on the big chair. Everyone cheers and makes noise. Then all the clan chiefs make a big show of swearing fealty to Orik in public, and Eragon and Saphira have to hold our hands about what they’re doing.
Then… well… yeah, I’m gonna have to do some quoting again.
Saphira, what do you think we just saw? Could that really have been Gûntera, or was it an illusion? His mind seemed real enough, and I do not know how one might fake that, but…
It may have been an illusion, she said. The dwarves’ gods have never helped them upon the field of battle, nor in any other endeavor I am aware of. Nor do I believe that a true god would come running at Gannel’s summons like a trained hound. I would not, and should not a god be greater than a dragon? … But then, there are many inexplicable things in Alagaësia. It is possible that we have seen a shade from a long-forgotten age, a pale remnant of what once was that continues to haunt the land, longing for the return of its power. Who can know for sure?
*rubs temples* Oh, bloody hell…
This, my friends, has been Paolini’s attempt at an Author’s Saving Throw. He got some flak for the preachy atheist elves in Eldest, and so he decided to throw in some hint that the dwarf gods maybe might be real in Brisingr. Of course, being Paolini, he handled it about as well as he handles a sword… if not worse.
[Caption: Draw and brandish gif: Paolini trying to show off a sword]
That was a natural 1, Paolini. Critical failure.
I just cannot fathom why he thought this was a good idea, especially considering how he pretty much forgets it ever happened. Eragon may pay some lipservice
to the idea that the dwarf gods might be real in some form, but in practice, he just stays the same condescending poor example of atheism that he’s been since Eldest. This adds nothing but more of Eragon being dumb and Saphira being an arrogant asshole who is also a giant, scaly cat… and also a lot of purple descriptions of Gunther the Flower-Petal Hulk.
Anyway, once the clan chiefs have sworn fealty to Orik, so do the guild leaders. Yes, that whole bit with Eragon and Saphira pondering the implications of what they just saw was inserted smack in the middle of something actually happening. Granted, it was a boring something, but it was still something, and it’s still a bad habit that Paolini really needs to break if he ever wants to be a decent writer.
Orik calls Eragon up to the dais, and he does the whole fealty thing as well, then extends the congratulations of the Varden. This seems like a good place to bring up Eragon’s conflicting loyalties. On the one hand, he swore fealty to Nasuada in the last book; on the other, he also got adopted into Durr-grimst Whatever and has now acknowledged Orik as his king. That kind of situation is iffy at best. What happens when Orik and Nasuada disagree? He’s going to have to choose one over the other, and whichever one he doesn’t choose will have full reason to label him a traitor.
Of course, none of that will ever actually happen, because Paolini loves his little Stu and also never gave this question any thought.
The coronation continues “for hours”, and though we’re spared an exhaustive list of the people who offer congratulations, we aren’t spared descriptions of the lavish gifts everyone heaps upon Orik to kiss his ass. In return, Orik gives everyone rings, because there really is nothing else a ruler can give his subjects in a fantasy world, especially one based so heavily upon Viking culture.
Eragon and Saphira were the last to go before Orik.
Didn’t Eragon go before him earlier to acknowledge him as King and extend the congratulations of the Varden? Oh, wait, you mean they’re the last to offer gifts! Seriously, people, where the fuck was Paolini’s editor?
Anyway, Eragon gives Orik a fancy gold armband, or “armlet” as he calls it, that he’s covered in wards.
[Caption: Yellow-orange sound effect bubble with text: 'Fucking wards!']
Orik makes a big show of putting it on, and then Saphira steps up to mend the giant sapphire, and... nothing.
No, really. The book literally says that “minutes passed and nothing happened”. Everyone just stands there in awkward silence and stares at her. It’s described a lot more flatteringly, of course, but that’s what’s happening: a big fat load of nothing.
Eragon starts to get worried, and Saphira whines about how the other times she’s done magic were different and she just has to wait for the right moment, and it is complete and utter bullshit. Eragon asks her to let him cast a spell “through her”, and she shoots it down because “This is my task, not yours.” I know she promised to do it and all, but, uh… wasn’t it Arya who actually broke the star sapphire? Shouldn’t it be her job to fix the thing, or at least make some kind of reparations for it?
The dwarf choir starts singing, and it’s described all purply in a way that doesn’t really describe anything. Eragon gets all sad because clearly their song is about “things that had been and were no more”. He gets homesick for Palancar Valley for the first time in fucking forever, and is then surprised when Saphira feels sad because “neither sorrow nor regret was a normal part of her personality”. Ignore the fact that those are emotions rather than personality traits… I’m just boggling at the fact that Paolini pretty much described Saphira as a sociopath right there.
The song ends, and of course Saphira summons up a massive amount of “energy” and fixes the star sapphire. She even “improves” on it, changing the color and putting in some gold streaks, and I have to call bullshit here, because she basically just lowered the quality of the gem by inserting a bunch of flaws. Paolini doesn’t know that, though, so the dwarves, being only as smart as their author, give Saphira a standing ovation. Or perhaps they give her one because she’s literally just proven that she needs a whole song and dance routine before she does anything, and they’d rather not piss off the giant fucking dragon.
Saphira and Eragon share a couple lines of inane dialogue about how his emotions inspired her to fix the thing (so it wasn’t even that she felt anything for the dwarves; she had to actually feel something through her bonded Rider… ye gads), and then Orik steps up and thanks her for fixing the gem “on behalf of [his] entire race”. The currently-banished Hacking Cough Clan probably resents that, Orik; you know not all of your people like dragons. He also says they’re going to give her all sorts of lasting credit for the thing, which has got to fluff her Power Ladyboner something fierce. Our Heroine, everyone: she fixes something she and another protagonist broke, after all the hard work was done by the people who actually valued the thing!
[Caption: Picture of Bella Swan with caption: 'Designated Hero' and below it 'The story tries to tell you this character is heroic, but you notice he isn't']
The chapter then fast-forwards to Orik’s coronation banquet with a brief (for Paolini) mention of Eragon picking wool out of Saphira’s teeth. In keeping with Paolini’s use of Our Dwarves Are All The Same, this banquet involves feasting, drinking, being extremely boisterous, and some actors performing a story that is referred to as a “saga”. Thankfully, it’s mostly glossed over so that we can get to the final bout of fuckery for the chapter.
Toward the end of the party, Eragon goes up to Orik and, after a totally generic “don’t call me ‘Your Majesty’” exchange, asks him if Hippie Flower Petal StrongMad from earlier was really Gunther crowning Orik. Orik seems to understand that this conversation is not going to be a good one, because he immediately gets all serious, but he answers that it was as close as they’re gonna get on Alaglag. Okay, fair enough; that’s not a horrible answer. Orik clearly believes it was Gunther, but he knows Eragon’s an atheist, so he tries to hedge a bit to avoid an argument. I’m pretty sure that isn’t how Paolini intended it, though; tact seems to be a largely foreign concept to him.
Eragon then asks whether Flower Gunther has refused to crown a dwarf king in the past, and Orik needlessly exposes about “the Heretic Kings and the Heretic Queens”, who were elected but didn’t impress the Flower Petal Man and proceeded with their rule anyway. They apparently went down in flames pretty fast.
A band seemed to tighten around Eragon’s chest. “So, even though the clanmeet elected you their leader, if Gûntera had failed to crown you, you would not be king now.”
Stop leading us by the nose, Paolini! Your readers are not morons!
Gotta love how Eragon frames it not as Orik failing to impress Gunther, but Gunther failing to crown Orik. Like I said, tact is a foreign concept to Pao-Pao.
Orik brushes this off by saying that “only a madman would risk tearing our country apart merely to deny me the throne”, and I’m kind of shocked by how little credit he’s giving his god here. If Gunther had refused to crown him, you’d think a religious dwarf would assume there was a hell of a good reason for that and not take the throne; hell, the ones who did take the throne had crappy reigns and were labeled as heretics! He would probably assume that going against Gunther’s will would make things even worse! But no, he says that Gunther would have to be mad not to crown him. Nice to see that Orik got a big ol' dose of that trademark Inheritance Character Arrogance.
And with a couple more inane lines, the chapter finally ends.
[Caption: Sunset Shimmer facepalming.]
Good fuck, that was a hard one. The amount of failure surrounding Gunther/Flower Man/Hippie StrongBad there is almost enough to cause headsplosions. This chapter was basically a showcase of how utterly tone-deaf Paolini is when it comes to how he portrays literally everything in his series. He wants us to be in awe of the maybe-god and have it be a backpedal from the Author Tracts in Eldest, but instead writes a bizarre cartoon-looking thing and overdoes the skepticism to the point of pretty much whacking us in the face with “HEY IT MIGHT NOT REALLY BE A GOD GUYS.” He wants us to see Saphira as heroic for fixing the star sapphire, but describes her personality in a way that comes this close to outright calling her a sociopath. There’s just so much failure here that it’s hard to comprehend it all.
I suppose the only thing I can say to close us out is that I’m glad this is a group sporking… because if I was doing this on my own, I would need one hell of a break after this chapter.
Next chapter is “Words of Wisdom,” which I guarantee will involve far too many words and far too little wisdom. It will be sporked bythe_bishop8 .
[1]
theepistler
January 9 2018, 17:38:35
The Drums of Derva
Here's a fun challenge for anyone here who's likely to meet Paolini in the near future: Ask him who or what Derva is, and then watch him squirm. Because I guarantee you he has no idea.
Also, Saphira is now a cat, but without the cuteness or a shred of the likeability.
[Caption: A cat with horns and dragon wings.]
Behold the mighty Catphira!
[1A]
snarkbotanya
January 9 2018, 17:45:03
D'awww, kitty! *rubs the kitty's fuzzy cheeks*
Ask him who or what Derva is, and then watch him squirm. Because I guarantee you he has no idea.
Ooooh, that'd be fun to see! I agree, he probably has no idea who/what Derva actually is.
[1A1]
torylltales
January 9 2018, 17:52:56
The Drums of Derva have to be paired with a traditional religious dance: the Whirling Dervish :P
[1A2]
theepistler
January 9 2018, 17:55:36 Edited: January 9 2018, 17:58:28
I'm betting you he has no idea who 90% of the random names he keeps dropping actually are. Such as Geda, Beloth the Wise, whoever the Crags of Tel'nair or however you spell it are named after, so on and so forth. You can tell by the way it's all just haphazardly dropped in and you never get any actual information. He has this honestly rather annoying habit of giving names to absolutely everything, no matter how irrelevant, but there's no more thought put into it than that.
[1A2B]
snarkbotanya
January 9 2018, 21:06:54
At most, he could give you a race, e.g. "uhhh, Derva was a dwarf..."
[1A2B1]
theepistler
January 9 2018, 22:31:59
"Who, uh... made drums! Yeah, that's the ticket!"
[1A2B1A]
lady_licht
January 9 2018, 23:32:19
Actually, Derva didn't make drums. Derva was an innkeeper, the kind who loves his own ale a little too much, and when, one day, his village was under attack, just when he had poured himself a perfect mug, he got so angry that he stood up and banged his fists on his belly. The sound of it lead the enemy to believe that a great army had to be approaching. They panicked and fled.
[1A2B1A1]
theepistler
January 21 2018, 11:44:43
LOL! Brilliant. Did you just make that up?
[1A2B1A1A]
lady_licht
January 25 2018, 08:49:25
Was the first thing that came to mind. Just imagine what kind of explanation someone who actually cared and thought about it could come up with... if they cared.
[1A2B1A1A1]
theepistler
January 25 2018, 09:38:59
Which we all know by this point, CP didn't. By this point he was very much at the "just drop it in and move on, because who gives a shit" stage of his career.
[1A2B1A1A1A]
lady_licht
January 25 2018, 09:51:00
Maybe it even was a leftover from when he cared? I still remember this genuine, nerdy enthusiasm he had when Eragon came out. He would write this and he would have a story behind it. Maybe not the most interesting one, mind you, but there would be something there, and he might even have tried to build a giant drum himself just because it seemed awesome for a moment.
[1A2B1A1A1A1]
theepistler
January 25 2018, 09:58:13
You could be right. A lot of people have said they like the dwarves, and I think it could be because they're the only aspect of the world he still put some work into. You learn nothing more about the elves or the humans, but the dwarves get lots of - for want of a better word - development in this book.
[1B]
torylltales
January 9 2018, 18:19:20
Catphira is a more pleasing design than either the movie or the front cover of Eragon managed.
[1B1]
snarkbotanya
January 9 2018, 21:06:15
Catphira is adorable and I want to snuggle her.
[1B1A]
theepistler
January 9 2018, 22:03:52
I agree. *snuggles Dragon Kitty*
[2]
torylltales
January 9 2018, 18:17:23
As a worldbuilder this chapter offends me so much. As I used to say throughout the Inheritance Group Spork, "subtle like a brick to the face"
Paolini doesn't do subtle, and this scene required a buttload of subtlety. Walking the hair-thin line between 'it definitely exists' and 'does it, though?' is an extremely difficult task for a writer, and I speak from experience as someone who has tried and continues to try to find the right balance. Paolini has ballsed it up so completely that this is one of the scenes that had me literally throwing the book across the room. I sulked about this scene for about a day because of how poorly executed it is, even at the conceptual level.
On top of that, this chapter is just bland. There's no real emotion, no character development (heck, barely any character interaction), it does nothing to the plot. It's unseasoned boiled parsnips. It's the obligatory wedding episode in an Australian soap opera*. It's there because it's expected, not because its presence means anything to the story or the characters. Not because its absence would change the story at any level. It's not a logical continuation of previous story elements. It doesn't alter the story in any way. It doesn't change the characters. It just sort of exists, in the perpetual existential agony of utter meaninglessness.
[Caption: Butter Robot from Rick and Morty]
Cheer up, Butter Robot. You have a vastly more important purpose than this chapter.
* Ignoring the fact that Roran and Katrina's wedding is literally the obligatory wedding scene in an Australian soap opera...
[2A]
snarkbotanya
January 9 2018, 20:59:51
As a worldbuilder this chapter offends me so much.
Me too. It's not thought out at all, and it shows. Plus, it's one of the worst attempts at an Author's Saving Throw I've ever seen.
Cheer up, Butter Robot. You have a vastly more important purpose than this chapter.
Indeed! Butter is delicious, Butter Robot; you bring people happiness.
[2A1]
torylltales
January 9 2018, 21:48:22
[2A1A]
snarkbotanya
January 10 2018, 20:04:49
Sarcastic you may have been, but you were also correct.
[2A2]
theepistler
January 9 2018, 22:32:52
Plus, it's one of the worst attempts at an Author's Saving Throw I've ever seen.
Erm... I dread to ask, but... have you read Inheritance?
[2A2A]
snarkbotanya
January 10 2018, 09:14:08
I have... that's why I said one of the worst.
[2A2A1]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 13:36:33
Hoo boy, I still have to read Inheritance beyond the first chapter. Oh the fun I shall have.
[2A2A1A]
torylltales
January 10 2018, 13:55:56
I look forward to your ranting to me about it. *mischievous devil face*
[2A2A1A1]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 16:56:11
You're in luck - I started reading it again on the bus today and was very soon sporting a face like thunder. SO BAD.
[2A2A1A1A]
torylltales
January 10 2018, 19:02:44
[Caption: Gif of a man setting down a chair with text 'dis gon b gud']
[2A2A1A1B]
snarkbotanya
January 10 2018, 20:06:48
sporting a face like thunder
You mean... glowering like the sky?
[Caption: Overcast sky with frowny face on it.]
[2A2A1A1B1]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 20:09:11
Yes, that's the exact face I was making! How did you know?? :o
[2A2A1A1B1A]
cmdrnemo
January 12 2018, 11:09:19
You are a pro. You described it so well.
[2A2A1A1B1A1]
theepistler
January 12 2018, 11:20:24
Why thankyou. *bows*
[3]
Anonymous
January 10 2018, 05:12:52
Why doesn't Saphira just burn the wool out of her teeth? It would probably be funnier if sheep gave her soot breath or ash mouth instead of hairballs. Eragon could even get embarrassed by Saphira smoking up before the ceremony.
Saphira hardly ever breathes fire, though, so I guess it never occurs to Paolini to have her use it.
[3A]
syntinen_laulu
January 10 2018, 06:06:12
Come to that, what could be easier for a dragon than simply singeing the wool off the carcasses before eating them? Has she not got the brains she was hatched with?
Though why her sheep are served up with their skins still on, although she doesn't want to eat that, is also beyond me. Sheepskins are a valuable commodity; why the heck are the dwarves wasting them?
It's also a mystery how eating sheep could possibly give her hairballs. Sheep don't have "hair"; if they did, they would be goats.
[3A1]
Anonymous
January 10 2018, 07:42:50
Haha You're right! Folklore even says that dragons and humans are the only creatures to cook their meat. Nice going, Saphira.
Does she just swallow animals whole? I mean, even wolves and lions pull off the fur before they chow down. She's basically eating the wrapper with the chocolate bar.
Maybe Saphira is a special needs dragon. Could be a side effect of having Eragon as a Rider.
[3B]
theepistler
January 12 2018, 10:45:21
Saphira hardly ever breathes fire, though, so I guess it never occurs to Paolini to have her use it.
Huh, that's true. She hardly ever does use her flame breath, and most of the time when she does it turns out to be useless anyway. This leaves me wondering why Paolini even bothered having his dragons breathe fire in the first place.
[3B1]
Anonymous
January 13 2018, 14:08:57
Or why he bothered having dragons at all!!
Seriously, though, I love dragons, and I grew up on 90's Animal Planet (Steve Irwin practically raised me...) so I tend to fixate on animal-like nonhumans in fiction. Pao goes on and on in interviews about how he wrote Inheritance so he could write about dragons. It makes no sense for him to be so... I don't know, blasé about them? He writes Saphira like he writes Arya. Aloof, vain, and disinterested in anything beneath her. I can get on board with that being dragon mentality, but when he writes things like sheep giving her hairballs, or getting wool stuck in her teeth, I can't help but notice how little thought he gives to her. It drives me crazy! How do you not think about how dragons would function? At all?? Or even just how you would deal with problems if you could breathe fire?
[3B1A]
theepistler
January 13 2018, 14:35:32
I don't know why he bothered with the dragons either. Because despite all the blathering on he does about the things, most notably the pretentious "I have visions of dragons" essay he put out back in the day, they're barely in the damn series. They're not even characters; they're just plot devices/hero accessories. Even when Saphira got a POV, he didn't do anything with it.
[3B1A1]
Anonymous
January 13 2018, 15:25:53
Pssh You're completely right. They're not characters, they're just there to make the story look 'Epic.' In a Dragon Rider setting, the dragon will usually end up playing second fiddle to the human rider. It's something I really don't care for, but that's the way it is. In general, readers want human protagonists, and writers are more comfortable writing humans. It sucks for people like me, but I can't blame anyone as a whole for it. Paolini, though........ He doesn't even try. He's so focused on Eragon and what it would be like if a human became an Elf warrior-mage, that he completely neglects the rest of his word. He should have killed Saphira off at the end of Eldest.......
[3B1A1A]
theepistler
January 13 2018, 18:00:31
I think he just thinks dragons make nice set dressing and that you have to have them to make it a "fantasy world". Like, you can't have fantasy without dragons.
Saphira's entire personality, such as it is, is just a ripoff of Polgara from Pawn of Prophecy, and she plays the exact same role in the story. She's vain, she's bitchy, and she treats the protagonist like an idiot even though the author keeps pretending they have a close, living relationship. Come to that, Eragon in the first book is basically just Garion with a much dumber name slapped on. We talk about Star Wars and LoTR a lot here, but in many ways David Eddings was the biggest victim of Paolini's baldfaced thievery.
[3B1A1B]
theepistler
January 13 2018, 18:03:03 Edited: January 13 2018, 18:03:26
I wish Saphira had been killed off too. Because then Eragon would actually have suffered a meaningful setback, not to mention that we'd have got rid of an entirely useless character. But Paolini doesn't have the guts to actually hurt any of his characters, and we know that because he outright said so in an interview. He said the idea of it made him "uncomfortable". Prepare to spend the rest of your career writing dull stories with no suspense or drama then, pal.
[4]
cmdrnemo
January 10 2018, 08:13:29
So the dwarves worship the ghost of Strong Mad. But, they don't take him seriously enough to respect his opinions. Unless they do. Which they don't because he's probably not real. And if he is he's useless. But, he does give opinions. And every time they ignore him it starts a new murder death kill event. And in the end, when the zombies are dead, when Saber wishes upon the holy grail. The elves and dragons laugh. Even though it wasn't funny. Not even a little. After all elves and dragons are perfect beings. Perfect beings find nothing but mirth in the suffering of others. That's what makes them perfect. Obviously.
Crom, this story is hella dark.
[5]
thegharialguy
January 10 2018, 09:58:34 Edited: January 10 2018, 10:13:00
There's a place called Ascension Island in the Atlantic, which I personally declare to be the coolest place name ever.
The head was nearly the width of the shoulders, the massive arms hung below the knees, and while the torso was bulky, the legs were short and crooked.
[Caption: Picture of Wario]
Confirmed, Wario is the Dwarf God!
[5A]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 16:56:47
Headcanon accepted.
[6]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 23:37:20
Who wants to bet on what the three questions Gunther asked Orik were?
a) A/S/L
b) What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favourite colour/The capital of Assyria/The airspeed of an unladen swallow?
Or maybe it was
c) Phase One: Collect Underpants. Phase Two: ??? Phase Three: Profit!
[6A]
thegharialguy
January 11 2018, 01:24:40
What is your bust size, waist size and hip size?
[6A1]
theepistler
January 11 2018, 09:56:40
GASP.
How dare you?!
*slap*
[6A1A]
thegharialguy
January 11 2018, 09:59:02
Is that your response to me, or a hypotehtical reponse from Orik to Gunther?
[6A1A1]
theepistler
January 11 2018, 10:01:52
Why not both? :-p
[6A1B]
anontu
January 11 2018, 22:09:16
B-baka!
*slap*
[6B]
torylltales
January 11 2018, 09:16:12
Paolini will never tell anybody, because he didn't think that far into it.
[6B1]
theepistler
January 11 2018, 10:13:52
Of course not, it's a rhetorical question.
"No, it's potato."
[6B1A]
snarkbotanya
January 12 2018, 10:52:04
PO-TAY-TOES! Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!
[6B1A1]
theepistler
January 12 2018, 11:07:12
Give me a nice piece of fried fish with chips - even you couldn't say no to that!
[6B1A1A]
snarkbotanya
January 12 2018, 14:15:17
Oh yes we could! Spoiling nice fish... give it to us rrrraw and wrrrriggling... you keep nasty chips.
[6B1A1A1]
theepistler
January 12 2018, 14:27:43
...You're 'opeless.
[6B1A1A1A]
snarkbotanya
January 12 2018, 14:32:10
*geeks out*
[6B1A1A1A1]
theepistler
January 12 2018, 14:37:23
:-D
doomotter had some other things to do, so this chapter has fallen into my grabby little hands. And oh, boy, am I gonna have a fun time with this one.First off, I’d like to frown at the chapter title a little. At first, I was going to give it credit for being concise and pertinent to what happens in the chapter, but the more I looked at it, the more I got a distinctly pretentious vibe. “Ascension” is clearly referring to Orik’s ascent to the throne, but the word itself is… somewhat loaded, shall we say. To call this coronation an “ascension” implies some kind of metaphysical transcendence, as if Orik is becoming a god rather than a king. Considering Paolini’s consistent misuse of long vocabulary words throughout the entire series, as well as the absolute fuckery to come in this chapter, I’m not going to be giving any leeway.
All things considered, “Ascent” probably would have been more appropriate.
The chapter begins with Paolini’s idea of setup.
The Drums of Derva sounded, summoning the dwarves of Tronjheim to witness the coronation of their new king.
The combination of pretentious drama and obvious rushing almost gave me whiplash. This sentence really does exemplify Paolini’s technical faults, particularly as relates to scene and chapter transitions. The wording is lofty and portentous… except at the end, where he just wants to get the sentence over with so he can get to the meat. And really, when you pull back and look at what’s happening here, you get… nothing. I don’t care about the drums, or the dwarves, or the coronation.
In true Pao-fashion, we have a brief flashback of Orik talking about all the things that usually happen after a coronation, capped off with a “these are hardly normal times” as our Weak Attempt At Tension for this page. It’s awful, and the only thing I can say in its favor is that at least we didn’t have to actually see any of the bullshit Orik is describing.
A bit of an interesting point: when I read all this, I couldn’t decide whether all these parties and ceremonies and shit were things Paolini wanted to include but was told not to, or things he decided not to include and felt the need to hand-wave because oh, how will the story go on without them?! I have a sneaking suspicion that there’s some degree of both. We all know that Paolini rarely trims things down, but there are points at which he just gets lazy. He probably wanted to include all sorts of dwarven partying, but didn’t feel like writing a huge section of it… so he threw in a mention of it as a compromise.
However, this compromise just opens up some society-related plotholes. As far as I can tell, dwarven society pretty much shuts down when they get a new monarch, just so that everyone who wants to can come to the coronation and party it up.
The utter uselessness of that bit of infodumping gets shoved in our faces with a large side of whiplash when we are immediately shunted back to the topic of where Eragon and Saphira are currently standing. (By the way, when I went to write “Eragon” there, I initially wrote “Paolini.”) They’re in a “mile-long” hallway that’s absolutely full of dwarves “listening to the pounding of the giant drums.”
Speaking of those drums, Epistler informed me in the comments on Four Strokes Upon the Drum that former sporker
kippurbird has it on good authority that a fifty-foot drum wouldn’t work. That is, a drum that big would be physically incapable of producing any audible sound. So, Paolini?[Caption: Broken drum with sad face on it.]
Fail.
Saphira’s barbed tongue rasped against her scales as she licked her chops, which she had been doing ever since she finished devouring five full-grown sheep earlier that morning. Then she lifted her left foreleg and rubbed her muzzle against it.
First, I was annoyed by the technical awfulness of that first sentence, which is far too long and gives us nothing but entirely useless information that absolutely nobody but Paolini himself cares about. Then I got annoyed by Saphira blatantly becoming a cat again.
Seriously, though: why does Saphira lick herself to keep clean? Reptiles, as far as I can tell, don’t do that. Scales typically repel most kinds of dirt, to the point that some lizards are effectively self-cleaning; besides, most of them lack the tongue length and/or neck flexibility to clean themselves via licking. But, okay, dragons aren’t standard reptiles, they’re warm-blooded and six-limbed and all that jazz. It still doesn’t work!
You know what Saphira should be doing to keep clean? Preening. Inheridragons don’t shed their entire skins, so their old scales loosen and fall off one at a time. Saphira should be nipping and rubbing at itchy scales, or, if we want to keep the vanity thing going, trying to get rid of any that are getting dull or scratched. It would make sense with her apparent physiology, and wouldn’t make her obviously a giant fucking cat.
*pouty whisper* Verja preens.
Eragon tells Saphira to keep still, and she says she’s got wool in her teeth. Apparently she hates eating sheep, because they give her “hair balls and indigestion.”
[Caption: Cat clothed in dragon suit, with speech bubble 'Rawr!']
Again with the cats! Now, don’t get me wrong: I love cats. Anyone who hangs out on the Cards Against Humanity Discord channel is well aware of my tendency to fawn endlessly over my cat. Heck, she’s my default avatar on this site! I’m also fond of dragons, sometimes even when they aren’t done particularly well. This, though…
Paolini, just because two things taste good individually does not mean you can mix them, or use them interchangeably. Case in point: bacon chocolate. That shit is disgusting.
My point is, Saphira should not be coughing up hairballs. Furthermore, the fact that she apparently just forgot that sheep give her indigestion does not speak well for her mental faculties.
Of course, all this really is is one of Paolini’s poor attempts at comedy. I’m sorry, Pao-Pao, but you can’t do comedy.
Eragon promises to clean her teeth, they talk about whether they have something that would settle her stomach, blah blah, Eragon cuts himself off because the drums have stopped and the coronation must be starting. Bloody hell, at this point I almost welcome the boring dwarven politics, because at least it’s not Eragon and Saphira’s inane banter.
Trumpets blare, and a choir starts up. For some reason, Paolini deems it necessary to tell us that this is a choir “of dwarves”. We’re in Tronjheim watching Orik’s coronation as King of the Dwarves, Paolini; I think we can figure it out. Saphira lashes her tail, having transformed yet again into a cat, and Eragon thinks, “Here we go.” That doesn’t sound particularly in-character for the guy who spouts purple dialogue all the time, but when has Paolini ever written consistent characters? Oh, that's right: never.
Eragon and Saphira head into Tronjheim and… the Star Rose is there? Oh yeah, that was a thing. Apparently the dwarves managed to get it ready for magical repair just in time for the coronation, and I am calling bullshit on that, because it’s way too fucking convenient. They’ve also set up the fancy royal throne right next to it, the better to highlight the utter contrivance. The throne is “facing the eastern branch of the four main hallways that divided Tronjheim, east because it was the direction of the rising sun and that symbolized the dawning of a new age”, and I don’t give a shit, because the only reason it’s going to feel like a new age is because Paolini has already spent an age on these horrifically overwrought descriptions. There’s also a big procession, including Orik’s wife, Hvedra. Apparently he called her to Tronjheim in anticipation of becoming King several chapters ago; it seems Paolini didn't remember that she existed when he was writing that chapter, so he added the little infodump here.
Anyway, Orik comes walking down the aisle, decked out like the tackiest Bridezilla in Alaglag and definitely taking his sweet-ass time to get there. No, really; the narration outright says that it takes half an hour. I get that Tronjheim is huge, Paolini, but fuck is it boring to hear about your character doing nothing but watch another character walk for thirty minutes. This is more pointless than watching fishing.
Twelve dwarf children followed Orik, six male and six female, or so Eragon assumed based upon the cut of their hair. The children were garbed in tunics of red and brown and gold, and they each carried in their cupped hands a polished orb six inches across, every orb a different species of stone.
Paolini… stones do not have “species.” I know you meant it in the sense of a "type" or “kind” rather than the actual biological definition of a species, which can actually be pretty difficult to pin down, but seriously… Stones. Do not. Have species. *stern glare of sternness*
I’m also quite irked by that comment about the dwarf kids’ hairstyles. It’s completely unnecessary, and adding it just begs the question of what it was about their hairstyles that made Eragon assume their genders. Do the girls have braids? Do the boys have the beginnings of beards? Really, though, this whole description should be trimmed off, because it adds absolutely nothing to the story.
Someone throws rose petals into the chamber as Orik comes in, and it’s described in such purple prose that I physically gagged while reading it. Finally, Orik reaches the big chair and stops, and Eragon gets all excited because he doesn’t know what’s coming next. He’s going to get a crown stuck on his head, Ergs, you dimbulb. Gannel the Dwarf-Pope walks in, smacks a staff on the ground, and yells
Gannel starts speaking in the Ancient Language, and what he’s saying is a long-ass prayer to the dwarf god Gûntera, whom I will call Gunther because I don’t like having to search through the Special Characters list for U-circumflex. He asks if Gunther will crown “Orik, Thrifk’s son” (an Eye of Argon patronym if I’ve ever seen one), and, well…
Eragon followed her gaze and, thirty feet above, saw a disturbance among the tumbling petals: a gap, a void where the petals would not fall, as if an invisible object occupied the space. The disturbance spread, extending all the way to the floor, and the void outlined by the petals assumed the shape of a creature with arms and legs like a dwarf or a man or an elf or an Urgal, but of different proportions than any race Eragon had knowledge of; the head was nearly the width of the shoulders, the massive arms hung below the knees, and while the torso was bulky, the legs were short and crooked.
It begins…
That description, by the way, makes me picture this guy.
[Caption: Strong Mad from Homestar Runner]
Majestic.
Thin, needle-sharp rays of watery light radiated outward from the shape, and there appeared the nebulous image of a gigantic, shaggy-haired male figure of the form the petals had traced. The god, if god he was, wore nothing but a knotted loincloth. His face was dark and heavy and seemed to contain equal amounts of cruelty and kindness, as if he might veer between the extremes of both without warning.
So… StrongMad covered in bronzer and wearing nothing but a loincloth and a wig. Charming.
By the way, even with that “if god he was” bit, this thing is going to be referred to as a god throughout the rest of its description, and most of the chapter.
As he noticed those details, Eragon also became aware of the presence of a strange, far-reaching consciousness within the chamber, a consciousness of unreadable thoughts and unfathomable depths, a consciousness that flashed and growled and billowed in unexpected directions, like a summer thunderstorm. Eragon quickly sequestered his mind from the touch of the other. His skin prickled, and a cold shiver ran down him. He did not know what he had felt, but fear gripped him, and he looked at Saphira for comfort. She was staring at the figure, her blue cat eyes sparkling with unusual intensity.
[Caption: Picture of Dylan Moran with headphones with text 'I can feel bits of my brain / falling away like a wet cake']
The dwarves all sink to their knees, and then the apparition starts talking. I’ll spare you the purple description of its voice, because frankly, transcribing all of that shit is starting to give me an actual headache. I actually had to go lie down for a moment.
Gunther asks Orik three questions, makes a crown materialize on Orik’s head, then laughs like a moron and vanishes. Gannel “proclaims” something in the dwarf language, and Orik finally walks up and sits on the big chair. Everyone cheers and makes noise. Then all the clan chiefs make a big show of swearing fealty to Orik in public, and Eragon and Saphira have to hold our hands about what they’re doing.
Then… well… yeah, I’m gonna have to do some quoting again.
Saphira, what do you think we just saw? Could that really have been Gûntera, or was it an illusion? His mind seemed real enough, and I do not know how one might fake that, but…
It may have been an illusion, she said. The dwarves’ gods have never helped them upon the field of battle, nor in any other endeavor I am aware of. Nor do I believe that a true god would come running at Gannel’s summons like a trained hound. I would not, and should not a god be greater than a dragon? … But then, there are many inexplicable things in Alagaësia. It is possible that we have seen a shade from a long-forgotten age, a pale remnant of what once was that continues to haunt the land, longing for the return of its power. Who can know for sure?
*rubs temples* Oh, bloody hell…
This, my friends, has been Paolini’s attempt at an Author’s Saving Throw. He got some flak for the preachy atheist elves in Eldest, and so he decided to throw in some hint that the dwarf gods maybe might be real in Brisingr. Of course, being Paolini, he handled it about as well as he handles a sword… if not worse.
[Caption: Draw and brandish gif: Paolini trying to show off a sword]
That was a natural 1, Paolini. Critical failure.
I just cannot fathom why he thought this was a good idea, especially considering how he pretty much forgets it ever happened. Eragon may pay some lipservice
to the idea that the dwarf gods might be real in some form, but in practice, he just stays the same condescending poor example of atheism that he’s been since Eldest. This adds nothing but more of Eragon being dumb and Saphira being an arrogant asshole who is also a giant, scaly cat… and also a lot of purple descriptions of Gunther the Flower-Petal Hulk.
Anyway, once the clan chiefs have sworn fealty to Orik, so do the guild leaders. Yes, that whole bit with Eragon and Saphira pondering the implications of what they just saw was inserted smack in the middle of something actually happening. Granted, it was a boring something, but it was still something, and it’s still a bad habit that Paolini really needs to break if he ever wants to be a decent writer.
Orik calls Eragon up to the dais, and he does the whole fealty thing as well, then extends the congratulations of the Varden. This seems like a good place to bring up Eragon’s conflicting loyalties. On the one hand, he swore fealty to Nasuada in the last book; on the other, he also got adopted into Durr-grimst Whatever and has now acknowledged Orik as his king. That kind of situation is iffy at best. What happens when Orik and Nasuada disagree? He’s going to have to choose one over the other, and whichever one he doesn’t choose will have full reason to label him a traitor.
Of course, none of that will ever actually happen, because Paolini loves his little Stu and also never gave this question any thought.
The coronation continues “for hours”, and though we’re spared an exhaustive list of the people who offer congratulations, we aren’t spared descriptions of the lavish gifts everyone heaps upon Orik to kiss his ass. In return, Orik gives everyone rings, because there really is nothing else a ruler can give his subjects in a fantasy world, especially one based so heavily upon Viking culture.
Eragon and Saphira were the last to go before Orik.
Didn’t Eragon go before him earlier to acknowledge him as King and extend the congratulations of the Varden? Oh, wait, you mean they’re the last to offer gifts! Seriously, people, where the fuck was Paolini’s editor?
Anyway, Eragon gives Orik a fancy gold armband, or “armlet” as he calls it, that he’s covered in wards.
[Caption: Yellow-orange sound effect bubble with text: 'Fucking wards!']
Orik makes a big show of putting it on, and then Saphira steps up to mend the giant sapphire, and... nothing.
No, really. The book literally says that “minutes passed and nothing happened”. Everyone just stands there in awkward silence and stares at her. It’s described a lot more flatteringly, of course, but that’s what’s happening: a big fat load of nothing.
Eragon starts to get worried, and Saphira whines about how the other times she’s done magic were different and she just has to wait for the right moment, and it is complete and utter bullshit. Eragon asks her to let him cast a spell “through her”, and she shoots it down because “This is my task, not yours.” I know she promised to do it and all, but, uh… wasn’t it Arya who actually broke the star sapphire? Shouldn’t it be her job to fix the thing, or at least make some kind of reparations for it?
The dwarf choir starts singing, and it’s described all purply in a way that doesn’t really describe anything. Eragon gets all sad because clearly their song is about “things that had been and were no more”. He gets homesick for Palancar Valley for the first time in fucking forever, and is then surprised when Saphira feels sad because “neither sorrow nor regret was a normal part of her personality”. Ignore the fact that those are emotions rather than personality traits… I’m just boggling at the fact that Paolini pretty much described Saphira as a sociopath right there.
The song ends, and of course Saphira summons up a massive amount of “energy” and fixes the star sapphire. She even “improves” on it, changing the color and putting in some gold streaks, and I have to call bullshit here, because she basically just lowered the quality of the gem by inserting a bunch of flaws. Paolini doesn’t know that, though, so the dwarves, being only as smart as their author, give Saphira a standing ovation. Or perhaps they give her one because she’s literally just proven that she needs a whole song and dance routine before she does anything, and they’d rather not piss off the giant fucking dragon.
Saphira and Eragon share a couple lines of inane dialogue about how his emotions inspired her to fix the thing (so it wasn’t even that she felt anything for the dwarves; she had to actually feel something through her bonded Rider… ye gads), and then Orik steps up and thanks her for fixing the gem “on behalf of [his] entire race”. The currently-banished Hacking Cough Clan probably resents that, Orik; you know not all of your people like dragons. He also says they’re going to give her all sorts of lasting credit for the thing, which has got to fluff her Power Ladyboner something fierce. Our Heroine, everyone: she fixes something she and another protagonist broke, after all the hard work was done by the people who actually valued the thing!
[Caption: Picture of Bella Swan with caption: 'Designated Hero' and below it 'The story tries to tell you this character is heroic, but you notice he isn't']
The chapter then fast-forwards to Orik’s coronation banquet with a brief (for Paolini) mention of Eragon picking wool out of Saphira’s teeth. In keeping with Paolini’s use of Our Dwarves Are All The Same, this banquet involves feasting, drinking, being extremely boisterous, and some actors performing a story that is referred to as a “saga”. Thankfully, it’s mostly glossed over so that we can get to the final bout of fuckery for the chapter.
Toward the end of the party, Eragon goes up to Orik and, after a totally generic “don’t call me ‘Your Majesty’” exchange, asks him if Hippie Flower Petal StrongMad from earlier was really Gunther crowning Orik. Orik seems to understand that this conversation is not going to be a good one, because he immediately gets all serious, but he answers that it was as close as they’re gonna get on Alaglag. Okay, fair enough; that’s not a horrible answer. Orik clearly believes it was Gunther, but he knows Eragon’s an atheist, so he tries to hedge a bit to avoid an argument. I’m pretty sure that isn’t how Paolini intended it, though; tact seems to be a largely foreign concept to him.
Eragon then asks whether Flower Gunther has refused to crown a dwarf king in the past, and Orik needlessly exposes about “the Heretic Kings and the Heretic Queens”, who were elected but didn’t impress the Flower Petal Man and proceeded with their rule anyway. They apparently went down in flames pretty fast.
A band seemed to tighten around Eragon’s chest. “So, even though the clanmeet elected you their leader, if Gûntera had failed to crown you, you would not be king now.”
Stop leading us by the nose, Paolini! Your readers are not morons!
Gotta love how Eragon frames it not as Orik failing to impress Gunther, but Gunther failing to crown Orik. Like I said, tact is a foreign concept to Pao-Pao.
Orik brushes this off by saying that “only a madman would risk tearing our country apart merely to deny me the throne”, and I’m kind of shocked by how little credit he’s giving his god here. If Gunther had refused to crown him, you’d think a religious dwarf would assume there was a hell of a good reason for that and not take the throne; hell, the ones who did take the throne had crappy reigns and were labeled as heretics! He would probably assume that going against Gunther’s will would make things even worse! But no, he says that Gunther would have to be mad not to crown him. Nice to see that Orik got a big ol' dose of that trademark Inheritance Character Arrogance.
And with a couple more inane lines, the chapter finally ends.
[Caption: Sunset Shimmer facepalming.]
Good fuck, that was a hard one. The amount of failure surrounding Gunther/Flower Man/Hippie StrongBad there is almost enough to cause headsplosions. This chapter was basically a showcase of how utterly tone-deaf Paolini is when it comes to how he portrays literally everything in his series. He wants us to be in awe of the maybe-god and have it be a backpedal from the Author Tracts in Eldest, but instead writes a bizarre cartoon-looking thing and overdoes the skepticism to the point of pretty much whacking us in the face with “HEY IT MIGHT NOT REALLY BE A GOD GUYS.” He wants us to see Saphira as heroic for fixing the star sapphire, but describes her personality in a way that comes this close to outright calling her a sociopath. There’s just so much failure here that it’s hard to comprehend it all.
I suppose the only thing I can say to close us out is that I’m glad this is a group sporking… because if I was doing this on my own, I would need one hell of a break after this chapter.
Next chapter is “Words of Wisdom,” which I guarantee will involve far too many words and far too little wisdom. It will be sporked by
the_bishop8 .55 comments
[1]
theepistler
January 9 2018, 17:38:35
The Drums of Derva
Here's a fun challenge for anyone here who's likely to meet Paolini in the near future: Ask him who or what Derva is, and then watch him squirm. Because I guarantee you he has no idea.
Also, Saphira is now a cat, but without the cuteness or a shred of the likeability.
[Caption: A cat with horns and dragon wings.]
Behold the mighty Catphira!
[1A]
snarkbotanya
January 9 2018, 17:45:03
D'awww, kitty! *rubs the kitty's fuzzy cheeks*
Ask him who or what Derva is, and then watch him squirm. Because I guarantee you he has no idea.
Ooooh, that'd be fun to see! I agree, he probably has no idea who/what Derva actually is.
[1A1]
torylltales
January 9 2018, 17:52:56
The Drums of Derva have to be paired with a traditional religious dance: the Whirling Dervish :P
[1A2]
theepistler
January 9 2018, 17:55:36 Edited: January 9 2018, 17:58:28
I'm betting you he has no idea who 90% of the random names he keeps dropping actually are. Such as Geda, Beloth the Wise, whoever the Crags of Tel'nair or however you spell it are named after, so on and so forth. You can tell by the way it's all just haphazardly dropped in and you never get any actual information. He has this honestly rather annoying habit of giving names to absolutely everything, no matter how irrelevant, but there's no more thought put into it than that.
[1A2B]
snarkbotanya
January 9 2018, 21:06:54
At most, he could give you a race, e.g. "uhhh, Derva was a dwarf..."
[1A2B1]
theepistler
January 9 2018, 22:31:59
"Who, uh... made drums! Yeah, that's the ticket!"
[1A2B1A]
lady_licht
January 9 2018, 23:32:19
Actually, Derva didn't make drums. Derva was an innkeeper, the kind who loves his own ale a little too much, and when, one day, his village was under attack, just when he had poured himself a perfect mug, he got so angry that he stood up and banged his fists on his belly. The sound of it lead the enemy to believe that a great army had to be approaching. They panicked and fled.
[1A2B1A1]
theepistler
January 21 2018, 11:44:43
LOL! Brilliant. Did you just make that up?
[1A2B1A1A]
lady_licht
January 25 2018, 08:49:25
Was the first thing that came to mind. Just imagine what kind of explanation someone who actually cared and thought about it could come up with... if they cared.
[1A2B1A1A1]
theepistler
January 25 2018, 09:38:59
Which we all know by this point, CP didn't. By this point he was very much at the "just drop it in and move on, because who gives a shit" stage of his career.
[1A2B1A1A1A]
lady_licht
January 25 2018, 09:51:00
Maybe it even was a leftover from when he cared? I still remember this genuine, nerdy enthusiasm he had when Eragon came out. He would write this and he would have a story behind it. Maybe not the most interesting one, mind you, but there would be something there, and he might even have tried to build a giant drum himself just because it seemed awesome for a moment.
[1A2B1A1A1A1]
theepistler
January 25 2018, 09:58:13
You could be right. A lot of people have said they like the dwarves, and I think it could be because they're the only aspect of the world he still put some work into. You learn nothing more about the elves or the humans, but the dwarves get lots of - for want of a better word - development in this book.
[1B]
torylltales
January 9 2018, 18:19:20
Catphira is a more pleasing design than either the movie or the front cover of Eragon managed.
[1B1]
snarkbotanya
January 9 2018, 21:06:15
Catphira is adorable and I want to snuggle her.
[1B1A]
theepistler
January 9 2018, 22:03:52
I agree. *snuggles Dragon Kitty*
[2]
torylltales
January 9 2018, 18:17:23
As a worldbuilder this chapter offends me so much. As I used to say throughout the Inheritance Group Spork, "subtle like a brick to the face"
Paolini doesn't do subtle, and this scene required a buttload of subtlety. Walking the hair-thin line between 'it definitely exists' and 'does it, though?' is an extremely difficult task for a writer, and I speak from experience as someone who has tried and continues to try to find the right balance. Paolini has ballsed it up so completely that this is one of the scenes that had me literally throwing the book across the room. I sulked about this scene for about a day because of how poorly executed it is, even at the conceptual level.
On top of that, this chapter is just bland. There's no real emotion, no character development (heck, barely any character interaction), it does nothing to the plot. It's unseasoned boiled parsnips. It's the obligatory wedding episode in an Australian soap opera*. It's there because it's expected, not because its presence means anything to the story or the characters. Not because its absence would change the story at any level. It's not a logical continuation of previous story elements. It doesn't alter the story in any way. It doesn't change the characters. It just sort of exists, in the perpetual existential agony of utter meaninglessness.
[Caption: Butter Robot from Rick and Morty]
Cheer up, Butter Robot. You have a vastly more important purpose than this chapter.
* Ignoring the fact that Roran and Katrina's wedding is literally the obligatory wedding scene in an Australian soap opera...
[2A]
snarkbotanya
January 9 2018, 20:59:51
As a worldbuilder this chapter offends me so much.
Me too. It's not thought out at all, and it shows. Plus, it's one of the worst attempts at an Author's Saving Throw I've ever seen.
Cheer up, Butter Robot. You have a vastly more important purpose than this chapter.
Indeed! Butter is delicious, Butter Robot; you bring people happiness.
[2A1]
torylltales
January 9 2018, 21:48:22
[2A1A]
snarkbotanya
January 10 2018, 20:04:49
Sarcastic you may have been, but you were also correct.
[2A2]
theepistler
January 9 2018, 22:32:52
Plus, it's one of the worst attempts at an Author's Saving Throw I've ever seen.
Erm... I dread to ask, but... have you read Inheritance?
[2A2A]
snarkbotanya
January 10 2018, 09:14:08
I have... that's why I said one of the worst.
[2A2A1]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 13:36:33
Hoo boy, I still have to read Inheritance beyond the first chapter. Oh the fun I shall have.
[2A2A1A]
torylltales
January 10 2018, 13:55:56
I look forward to your ranting to me about it. *mischievous devil face*
[2A2A1A1]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 16:56:11
You're in luck - I started reading it again on the bus today and was very soon sporting a face like thunder. SO BAD.
[2A2A1A1A]
torylltales
January 10 2018, 19:02:44
[Caption: Gif of a man setting down a chair with text 'dis gon b gud']
[2A2A1A1B]
snarkbotanya
January 10 2018, 20:06:48
sporting a face like thunder
You mean... glowering like the sky?
[Caption: Overcast sky with frowny face on it.]
[2A2A1A1B1]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 20:09:11
Yes, that's the exact face I was making! How did you know?? :o
[2A2A1A1B1A]
cmdrnemo
January 12 2018, 11:09:19
You are a pro. You described it so well.
[2A2A1A1B1A1]
theepistler
January 12 2018, 11:20:24
Why thankyou. *bows*
[3]
Anonymous
January 10 2018, 05:12:52
Why doesn't Saphira just burn the wool out of her teeth? It would probably be funnier if sheep gave her soot breath or ash mouth instead of hairballs. Eragon could even get embarrassed by Saphira smoking up before the ceremony.
Saphira hardly ever breathes fire, though, so I guess it never occurs to Paolini to have her use it.
[3A]
syntinen_laulu
January 10 2018, 06:06:12
Come to that, what could be easier for a dragon than simply singeing the wool off the carcasses before eating them? Has she not got the brains she was hatched with?
Though why her sheep are served up with their skins still on, although she doesn't want to eat that, is also beyond me. Sheepskins are a valuable commodity; why the heck are the dwarves wasting them?
It's also a mystery how eating sheep could possibly give her hairballs. Sheep don't have "hair"; if they did, they would be goats.
[3A1]
Anonymous
January 10 2018, 07:42:50
Haha You're right! Folklore even says that dragons and humans are the only creatures to cook their meat. Nice going, Saphira.
Does she just swallow animals whole? I mean, even wolves and lions pull off the fur before they chow down. She's basically eating the wrapper with the chocolate bar.
Maybe Saphira is a special needs dragon. Could be a side effect of having Eragon as a Rider.
[3B]
theepistler
January 12 2018, 10:45:21
Saphira hardly ever breathes fire, though, so I guess it never occurs to Paolini to have her use it.
Huh, that's true. She hardly ever does use her flame breath, and most of the time when she does it turns out to be useless anyway. This leaves me wondering why Paolini even bothered having his dragons breathe fire in the first place.
[3B1]
Anonymous
January 13 2018, 14:08:57
Or why he bothered having dragons at all!!
Seriously, though, I love dragons, and I grew up on 90's Animal Planet (Steve Irwin practically raised me...) so I tend to fixate on animal-like nonhumans in fiction. Pao goes on and on in interviews about how he wrote Inheritance so he could write about dragons. It makes no sense for him to be so... I don't know, blasé about them? He writes Saphira like he writes Arya. Aloof, vain, and disinterested in anything beneath her. I can get on board with that being dragon mentality, but when he writes things like sheep giving her hairballs, or getting wool stuck in her teeth, I can't help but notice how little thought he gives to her. It drives me crazy! How do you not think about how dragons would function? At all?? Or even just how you would deal with problems if you could breathe fire?
[3B1A]
theepistler
January 13 2018, 14:35:32
I don't know why he bothered with the dragons either. Because despite all the blathering on he does about the things, most notably the pretentious "I have visions of dragons" essay he put out back in the day, they're barely in the damn series. They're not even characters; they're just plot devices/hero accessories. Even when Saphira got a POV, he didn't do anything with it.
[3B1A1]
Anonymous
January 13 2018, 15:25:53
Pssh You're completely right. They're not characters, they're just there to make the story look 'Epic.' In a Dragon Rider setting, the dragon will usually end up playing second fiddle to the human rider. It's something I really don't care for, but that's the way it is. In general, readers want human protagonists, and writers are more comfortable writing humans. It sucks for people like me, but I can't blame anyone as a whole for it. Paolini, though........ He doesn't even try. He's so focused on Eragon and what it would be like if a human became an Elf warrior-mage, that he completely neglects the rest of his word. He should have killed Saphira off at the end of Eldest.......
[3B1A1A]
theepistler
January 13 2018, 18:00:31
I think he just thinks dragons make nice set dressing and that you have to have them to make it a "fantasy world". Like, you can't have fantasy without dragons.
Saphira's entire personality, such as it is, is just a ripoff of Polgara from Pawn of Prophecy, and she plays the exact same role in the story. She's vain, she's bitchy, and she treats the protagonist like an idiot even though the author keeps pretending they have a close, living relationship. Come to that, Eragon in the first book is basically just Garion with a much dumber name slapped on. We talk about Star Wars and LoTR a lot here, but in many ways David Eddings was the biggest victim of Paolini's baldfaced thievery.
[3B1A1B]
theepistler
January 13 2018, 18:03:03 Edited: January 13 2018, 18:03:26
I wish Saphira had been killed off too. Because then Eragon would actually have suffered a meaningful setback, not to mention that we'd have got rid of an entirely useless character. But Paolini doesn't have the guts to actually hurt any of his characters, and we know that because he outright said so in an interview. He said the idea of it made him "uncomfortable". Prepare to spend the rest of your career writing dull stories with no suspense or drama then, pal.
[4]
cmdrnemo
January 10 2018, 08:13:29
So the dwarves worship the ghost of Strong Mad. But, they don't take him seriously enough to respect his opinions. Unless they do. Which they don't because he's probably not real. And if he is he's useless. But, he does give opinions. And every time they ignore him it starts a new murder death kill event. And in the end, when the zombies are dead, when Saber wishes upon the holy grail. The elves and dragons laugh. Even though it wasn't funny. Not even a little. After all elves and dragons are perfect beings. Perfect beings find nothing but mirth in the suffering of others. That's what makes them perfect. Obviously.
Crom, this story is hella dark.
[5]
thegharialguy
January 10 2018, 09:58:34 Edited: January 10 2018, 10:13:00
There's a place called Ascension Island in the Atlantic, which I personally declare to be the coolest place name ever.
The head was nearly the width of the shoulders, the massive arms hung below the knees, and while the torso was bulky, the legs were short and crooked.
[Caption: Picture of Wario]
Confirmed, Wario is the Dwarf God!
[5A]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 16:56:47
Headcanon accepted.
[6]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 23:37:20
Who wants to bet on what the three questions Gunther asked Orik were?
a) A/S/L
b) What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favourite colour/The capital of Assyria/The airspeed of an unladen swallow?
Or maybe it was
c) Phase One: Collect Underpants. Phase Two: ??? Phase Three: Profit!
[6A]
thegharialguy
January 11 2018, 01:24:40
What is your bust size, waist size and hip size?
[6A1]
theepistler
January 11 2018, 09:56:40
GASP.
How dare you?!
*slap*
[6A1A]
thegharialguy
January 11 2018, 09:59:02
Is that your response to me, or a hypotehtical reponse from Orik to Gunther?
[6A1A1]
theepistler
January 11 2018, 10:01:52
Why not both? :-p
[6A1B]
anontu
January 11 2018, 22:09:16
B-baka!
*slap*
[6B]
torylltales
January 11 2018, 09:16:12
Paolini will never tell anybody, because he didn't think that far into it.
[6B1]
theepistler
January 11 2018, 10:13:52
Of course not, it's a rhetorical question.
"No, it's potato."
[6B1A]
snarkbotanya
January 12 2018, 10:52:04
PO-TAY-TOES! Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!
[6B1A1]
theepistler
January 12 2018, 11:07:12
Give me a nice piece of fried fish with chips - even you couldn't say no to that!
[6B1A1A]
snarkbotanya
January 12 2018, 14:15:17
Oh yes we could! Spoiling nice fish... give it to us rrrraw and wrrrriggling... you keep nasty chips.
[6B1A1A1]
theepistler
January 12 2018, 14:27:43
...You're 'opeless.
[6B1A1A1A]
snarkbotanya
January 12 2018, 14:32:10
*geeks out*
[6B1A1A1A1]
theepistler
January 12 2018, 14:37:23
:-D