Inheritance Group Spork: Chapter Two

[pangolin20]

mage_apprentice wrote in antishurtugal, 2011-11-20 14:51:00

MOOD: bouncy
MUSIC: Bad Apple!! and Mystic Oriental Dream
The Official Inheritance Spork, Part 2: Hammerfall

Hello, everyone! Stealingvowels was sick and busy and unfortunately didn’t get the chance to do her chapter, so I’m posting in her place. In the last chapter, we found Eragon in a battle and he expanded his equipment by obtaining Plot Coupon Spear, which triples his stat points. Suddenly, something happened to Roran!

“No!” shouted Eragon as the wall of the keep tumbled down with a thunderous crash, burying Roran and five other men beneath a mount of stone twenty feet high and flooding the courtyard with a dark cloud of dust.

No! Roran was just recently married! His wife was pregnant! This isn’t fair! He’s so totally going to be fine!

In all seriousness, we antis know better. For protagonist deaths, Paolini tends to only kill them off if they’re 1) support characters that add to angst (Hrothgar) or 2) no longer useful for teaching the younger generation anything (Garrow, Brom, Oromis and Glaedr). However, I feel like being an optimist and will hold out hope that perhaps Roran is permanently gone. I mean, he was buried under a solid pile of stone about four times his height. I have never heard of a case where someone survived that without there being some sort of special factor that saved them.

Eragon’s shout was so loud, his voice broke, and slick, copper-tasting blood coated the back of his throat. He inhaled and doubled over, coughing.

Errr . . . I’m pretty sure that voice cracking or breaking doesn’t work like that. I’m not exactly an expert, so correct me on that if I’m wrong. Also, isn’t blood usually “copper-tasting” and “slick”? I suppose the Department of Redundancy Department has a new entry to file.

After this devastating catastrophe, people are gaping “at the front of the damaged keep” and “rubble from the building spilled into the middle of the courtyard,” obscuring a complete floor mosaic. Three entire rooms are exposed due to the collapse! Eragon goes into the first stage of grief and death and repeats “He can’t be dead. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t” over and over, which is appropriate. He’s in shock and denial, after all. But with every repetition, it becomes less a statement of fact or hope and more a prayer to the world at large.

Paolini, we know that you think religion is silly and you dedicated a lot of philosophical crap in your second book to fueling shallow anti-religion arguments (and that appearance of a “god” in Brisingr is just a retcon, in my honest opinion). Why do you keep attaching pseudo-religious details and “traditions” to your nonreligious characters in your books?

Our hero goes over all the possibilities of digging Roran out fast since time is vital for his cousin’s survival (when this should be an instant kill). Every idea he comes up with ends up being scratched off the list. Eragon tried to guess the weight of a block in the pile of rubble; it must have been many hundreds of pounds.

If that’s a single brick in the twenty-foot pile, Roran is totally dead.

Then Eragon has the sudden revelation that Roran was standing underneath the keep’s doorway eaves, which apparently brings hope to Eragon that Roran is still alive despite this being the front of the keep that collapsed with three full rooms exposed, a twenty-foot pile of solid stone brick, and each brick weight hundreds of pounds. Eragon climbs up the rubble to get to the second story and goes through the keep to get to the other side of the rubble.

On the way there, Eragon gets an enemy encounter.

He sped around a corner and collided with a soldier walking in the opposite direction. Eragon’s vision flashed red and yellow as his forehead struck the rim of the man’s shield. He clung to the soldier, and the two of them staggered back and forth across the corridor like a pair of drunk dancers.

As a side note, Microsoft Word says that “a pair of drunk dancers” is grammatically incorrect. It wants to change it to “a pair of drunken dancers.” I don’t know if that’s a jab at Paolini or Microsoft considering that Paolini isn’t the best of writers and the biggest oxymoron I’ve ever seen is Microsoft Works.

The soldier uttered an oath as he struggled to regain his balance. “What’s wrong with you, you thrice-blasted—” he said, and then he saw Eragon’s face, and his eyes widened. “You!”

Eragon balled his right hand and punched the man in the belly, directly underneath his rib cage. The blow lifted the man off his feet and smashed him into the ceiling. “Me,” Eragon agreed as the man dropped to the floor, lifeless.

1) I think “curse” would be a better word in place of “oath.”

2) “Eragon balled his right hand” is redundant to the rest of the sentence, slows the pacing down, and needs to be cut.

3) “Said” works better instead of “agreed” in that last dialogue tag.

4) Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. He killed another soldier he could just run pass and feels no remorse for it.

So Eragon keeps running, and running, and running. It keeps boring, and boring, and boring me. He finds another random encounter, but it too is completely meaningless. A robed and bearded man sends “a contingent of fifty or more soldiers” after Eragon and bribes them with treasure. Eragon lights his sword on fire and “a rush of air, a cocoon of wraithlike blue flames sprang into existence around the blade, running up toward the tip.” Though, Paolini really should’ve replaced “existence” with “life.” I’m surprised he didn’t do so considering his thesaurus abuse.

Then Eragon lowered his gaze to the soldiers. “Move,” he growled.

The soldiers hesitated a moment more, then turned and fled.

All fifty or more of them fled when, normally, there’s strength and confidence in numbers. Normally, I’d say that they’re all a bunch of cowards who are spoiled by there not being any superheroes around like Batman who use his enemies’ fear against them, but this is Paolini Land where average farmers like Roran can kill two hundred trained soldiers. I can’t really blame them here.

So Eragon keeps running, and it’s still boring, when he comes upon a room full of soldiers who don’t do anything and a portcullis blocking his way. The iron grating bent as Eragon slammed into it, but not enough to break the metal.

He again channeled energy stored within the diamonds of his belt—the belt of Beloth the Wise—and into Brisingr, emptying the gemstones of their precious store as the stoked the sword’s fire to an almost unbearable intensity. A wordless shout escaped him as he drew back his arm and struck at the portcullis. Orange and yellow sparks sprayed him, pitting his gloves and tunic and stinging his exposed flesh. A drop of molten iron fell, sizzling onto the tip of his boot. With a twitch of his ankle, he shook it off.

Or you can use half that amount of energy to, you know, break the metal. You used your natural strength to put in a severe dent in the portcullis. It won’t take that much energy to destroy it. And what’s with mentioning that the belt belonged to Beloth the Wise? It’s not like Beloth is part of some established mythos that the fandom knows about. It’s just something to make Eragon Gary Stu Bromson more special.

Eragon goes through the new hole he made and . . . keeps . . . running . . .

But then after the next few short paragraphs he comes upon his destination!

When he rounded the last corner, Eragon saw his destination: the debris-choked vestibule. Even with his elflike vision, he could make out only the largest shapes in the darkness, for the falling stones had extinguished the torches on the walls. He heard an odd huffing scuffing, as if some sort of clumsy beast were rooting through the rubble.

“Naina,” said Eragon.

A directionless blue light illuminated the space. And there before him, covered in dirt, blood, ash, and sweat, with his teeth bared in a fearsome snarl, appeared Roran, grappling with a soldier over the corpses of two others.

Go figure.

JK Rowling needs to write this book. With her powers of killing off every minor character we love in a final book, JK Rowling will right this wrong and save the Inheritance Cycle! Muahahahahahahahah!

Oh, wait, there are no minor characters we love in this book.

Damn.

Roran kills the soldier he fights with and then faints from exhaust, ending this boring chapter.

Now for a rant before ending this spork chapter.

I frequent the fanfiction community, I read quite a few fantasy books, and I love playing video games, especially JRPGs. I’ve seen my fair share of insane plot armor. I’ve seen one fanfic writer kill off her main self-insert character and have said character resurrected by a goddess that was established in canon to be fictitious; in Final Fantasy VII, where Cloud and Tifa come out of the Lifestream alive and well when other characters ended up either frozen in materia or comatose, the plot armor was getting ridiculous there, too; then there’s the Harry Potter series and Harry’s full set of plot armor protecting him. I’ve seen plot armor, and lots of it.

Roran’s set of plot armor has got to be the most contrived and anticlimactic plot armor I have ever seen. I took a peek at the next chapter for an explanation for how Roran escaped death and it’s terrible and sounds like an ass-pull. Roran’s “death” is cheap and amateurish. This scene tells me that Paolini is afraid of killing off his beloved characters (much like Masashi Kishimoto is with Sasuke in his Naruto manga). Knowing Paolini, everything will be healed in a matter of minutes while those five other men that were buried in the rubble will be completely forgotten. No consequences, no permanent injuries, and no death. At least with the above examples I gave for plot armor (with the exception of Final Fantasy VII) there’s some sort of explanation given to the reader that makes sense. Here, it’s just . . . what the hell?

But, you know, I would forgive all of this if this chapter wasn’t such a complete bore. Nothing came from this chapter; nothing challenged Eragon and, when a challenge came up, Paolini wrote in the cheapest way around the challenge he could write; nothing happened in this chapter; and all attempts at emotion were bogged down by slow pacing and redundant writing. It’s just boring.

This chapter should’ve been cut during editing.

47 comments

[1]

mage_apprentice
November 20 2011, 21:11:54 UTC
*sigh* I hate LJ and how it handles rich text format. I did not bold that last sentence, the text is all different sizes even when I didn't mess with it, and . . .

It looked much better on Microsoft Word . . .

[1A]

jair_greycoat
November 20 2011, 21:19:16 UTC
You could try copying it into Notepad, manually adding in the tags, then copying it into the HTML version of the edit post box. (And making sure it doesn’t secretly add any additional tags in.)

[1A1]

mage_apprentice
November 20 2011, 21:20:37 UTC
Thanks. I'll try that next time I post something.

[2]

lyenisie
November 20 2011, 21:41:56 UTC
If Paolini doesn't dare to kill his beloved characters, why does he still try to make us believe he will do it? It doesn't work since long. The way Eragon runs and runs to find his brother was pretentious and useless. It's really written like a bad fanfiction, the kind I never read. Thanks for this sporking, I would never have been able to read Inheritance alone. After all, I didn't read Brisingr and finishing Eldest was one of the most boring things I ever did.

(In fact, I wonder if some Inheritance fans did really fear for Roran :D)

[3]

distinctvaguens
November 20 2011, 21:54:47 UTC
Good job! Yeah, I when I read this chapter I was really wondering why they had to make it take so long for Eragon to get to Roran. The only thing that happens is Eragon showing off that he's in Godmode plus lots of boring confusing running. I agree Roran had ridiculous plot armor and we never even suspected he'd be down for the count. This chapter and most of the first half of the book is pointless.

Something to add, this chapter title, along with many of the rest are really dumb when you try to see why Paolini chose them. Calling this chapter Hammerfall is a cheap trick to make us assume Roran will be dead and since we find out he's fine, that basically means Paolini lied to the readers. Also I think it is an allusion to the Elder Scrolls games where there is a place known as Hammerfell. Take your pick, forced unneeded allusion or straight up lie, maybe both!

[3A]

mage_apprentice
November 20 2011, 21:57:41 UTC
CP DIDNT LIE! HE WAS TRYING TO CR8 TENSHUN 4 TEH READER, U H8R!

[3A1]

jair_greycoat
November 20 2011, 22:06:39 UTC
?

[3A1A]

mage_apprentice
November 20 2011, 22:07:57 UTC
I'm just being a smartaleck here and imitating a rabid fan who doesn't listen to criticism.

[3A1A1]

jair_greycoat
November 20 2011, 22:33:16 UTC
CR8 and H8R went entirely over my head. But then, the fact that I don’t understand that kind of language tells you which parts of the Internet I haven’t been.

[3A1A1A]

kevias
November 21 2011, 04:11:32 UTC
C'mon! You know what a CR8 is, even if you've never seen one in real life. It's a box made of nailed-together boards. Paolini put all the TENSHUN in there to keep us readers safe.

[3A1A1B]

white_wolf03
November 21 2011, 12:59:21 UTC
I figured out CR8, not too sure about H8R

[3A1A1B1]

mage_apprentice
November 21 2011, 15:20:34 UTC
CR8 = misspelled create
H8R = hater

[3A1A1B1A]

jair_greycoat
November 21 2011, 15:45:13 UTC
Thanks. (Urban Dictionary wasn’t being helpful.)

[3B]

lyenisie
November 20 2011, 22:11:50 UTC
There's absolutely no link between Hammerfell and Roran, but heh, stinking barges!

[3B1]

torylltales
November 21 2011, 07:02:02 UTC
We'll get back to the barges soon enough.

As to the name, Hammerfall is a Swedish 'Power Metal' band from the early 90s, but it reminds me more directly of Daggerfall, which is the precursor to Morrowind.

Neither associations are really appropriate for this chapter.

[3B1A]

lady_licht
November 21 2011, 16:41:49 UTC
I KNEW it sounded familiar! \m/

[4]

ana0119
November 20 2011, 22:19:23 UTC
Great spork~ I'm glad we're moving along again. (I'm next~~)

Also, love the Raine icon. Symphonia was full of plot holes and cliches, but at the least the characters were incredibly loveable.

[4A]

mage_apprentice
November 20 2011, 22:59:17 UTC
Found the icon from someone else.

ToS may be full of plot holes (and the cliches are on purpose on the writers since that's Tales Studio's thing), but plugging those plot holes is fun. Well, fun until you get to ToS2. To write a fic over that, I'd have to rewrite the entire plot.

[4A1]

ana0119
November 20 2011, 23:04:49 UTC
I never quite got over the sheer mystery of what happened 4000 years ago or how the worldsplitting worked. There are lots of weird details, but at least the plot moves right along and is actually surprisingly coherent in terms of tone and message. (ToS2... Look, it says something when you need to rewrite the laws of reality to make your stories fit together. I think it's called retcon.)

And, of course, I love the characters. So much, all of them.

Oh, I forgot before, but I totally laughed at "JK Rowling needs to write this book. With her powers of killing off every minor character we love in a final book, JK Rowling will right this wrong and save the Inheritance Cycle! Oh, wait, there are no minor characters we love in this book."

I do have a fondness for Murtagh, and Angela. And Elva. Hell, even Arya's icy bitchiness becomes endearing, if only because she maintains it constantly (until Brisingr). I just... really hate Roran.

[4A1A]

mage_apprentice
November 20 2011, 23:09:54 UTC
I think the deal with what happened during the 1000 years of Kharlan War and how Mithos established Cruxis is mostly supposed to be left to the player's imagination, like Sheik's physical gender in Ocarina of Time.
But with ToS2 and its problems, it tries to retcon a difference between ToS and Tales of Phantasia when, in my opinion at least, it doesn't need the retcon. Supporters of that retcon say that mana wasn't as important in ToP so it fits. The World Tree fricken died in ToP! No one is going to know that mana is the source of life when they treat said source of the source of life like crap.

I do like Murtagh. I was so angry at what Paolini did to him.

[4A1A1]

ana0119
November 20 2011, 23:16:19 UTC
...I haven't gotten to Murtagh yet. Just to tunnels under Dras Leona. Oh god... *whimper*

Yeah, the mana issue... Well, I also remember having so, so many questions about half-elves and just how their entire "species" works. (For an isolationist race, elves sure sleep around with humans a lot.) And for that matter, where humans came from in this world-set up. (Elves came from space, before there was any life on the planet. Any life.)

But I love that story and just hand-wave it all.

[4A1A1A]

mage_apprentice
November 20 2011, 23:21:23 UTC
I think the species between humans and elves are genetically minimalistic, like the differences between different breeds of dogs. That's why they can reproduce among each other and make halfelves. Other than that, you got me.

I guess the reason why we can hand-wave a lot of plot issues with ToS is because the story pulls us in despite the cliches and the characters are enjoyable and can be related to. Inheritance, however, does not do that. It doesn't pull us in and does not have lovable characters we can relate to. That is why cliche-fests that Tales Studio produces are enjoyable while the Inheritance Cycle is not.

[4A1A1A1]

ana0119
November 20 2011, 23:22:59 UTC
That's exactly it. ToS can be stupid, but I love every character and want to see what happens to them, how they react and where they end up. Eragon... not so much.

[4A1A1A2]

atateatarin
November 21 2011, 02:47:36 UTC
That is everything I love about Tales Studio :D They have such a good balance between great writing and characterization that you just kinda let the plotholes and cliches be.

It's like loving someone for having such a great personality that it lets you overlook all their terrible, terrible habits XD haha


Also I should add that your post icon made my day XD

[5]

jair_greycoat
November 20 2011, 22:36:18 UTC
Wait, why does Roran faint from exhaust?

. . .

I’ll see if I can come up with something more constructive to say later. :P

[5A]

mage_apprentice
November 20 2011, 23:01:48 UTC
It doesn't say. He just suddenly faints. My guess is from blood-loss since he's covered in wounds (when he should be dead).

[6]

Anonymous
November 20 2011, 22:45:47 UTC
This kind of reminds me of Star Trek: Voyager since those writers hit the reset button at the end of every episode as well.

And, if you go by the SFDebris reviews, Janeway was a psychopath.

[7]

watersheerie
November 20 2011, 23:31:41 UTC
Excellent spork.

So Eragon screams so loud his throat, apparently, tears open and fills with blood. CP just loves to load up on extremes such as this, it's as if he thinks that readers won't truly feel the 'epicness' of his epic saga if he doesn't. Like how in the last book, the gold brick, Eragon punches a guy in the chest, and his fist goes straight through the armor and flesh. The only thing that would have made that scene more absurd would have been if Eragon had then pulled the heart out, still beating, held it above his head and shouted "KO!"

[7A]

mage_apprentice
November 20 2011, 23:32:59 UTC
[insert list of epic Mortal Kombat KOs Paolini could have done]

[8]

caelynx
November 20 2011, 23:32:59 UTC
Pao's editor needs a kick in the pants (if he even had one). So completely pointless because, of course, Roran won't die. The Sue genes run in the family.

At least the Final Fantasy franchise attempts to explain things. (Except Final Fantasy XIII.)

[9]

cavuy
November 21 2011, 00:24:54 UTC
Roran's ridiculous plot armor aside, Paolini actually ruined the suspense of this chapter long before the book came out. The first preview chapter he released came after this point in the story, and it featured Roran. And then he actually released this exact scene as the second preview chapter, meaning people literally had MONTHS to figure out that Roran survived this.

[9A]

mage_apprentice
November 21 2011, 00:27:19 UTC
Good point. I just never bothered reading it since the preview chapters tend to change between then and the official book release.

[9B]

torylltales
November 21 2011, 07:08:44 UTC
Yeah, that was a particularly special moment.

Good reason why not to release preview chapters ahead of time. Especially if, like Paolini, you enjoy false twists and cliff-hangers.

[10]

torylltales
November 21 2011, 07:04:59 UTC
Thanks, magfe_apprentice! Great spork!

Next up is Chapter Three: Shadows on the Horizon to be sporked by by ana0119, followed by mage_apprentice and pipedreamno20 with Chapters 4 and 5 respectively.

[11]

13thfriday
November 21 2011, 08:24:28 UTC
This scene tells me that Paolini is afraid of killing off his beloved characters (much like Masashi Kishimoto is with Sasuke in his Naruto manga).

I don't read Naruto, nor One Piece, so I don't entirely know what I'm talking about, but both those series sell extremely well in Japan, and I doubt either artist would be "allowed" to kill off a primary character - I highly doubt it matters if they're afraid to do so or not, their publishers want them to keep their series going a loooong time.

I completely agree with you about Paolini though. I haven't finished the book yet, but I'm not expecting any major character to really die, even though Paolini's publicity machine said one would.

...anyway, thanks for your spork! This was a chapter I skimmed through in my hurry to get to something more interesting; I had to check the chapter a couple of times to see if your spork exaggerated or if what you described really did happen (like when Eragon sent someone flying into the ceiling of a freaking CASTLE (which probably has really high ceilings). But then I keep forgetting that Eragon is stronger and more ruggedly handsome than any man or elf. Silly me. :D)

[11A]

mage_apprentice
November 21 2011, 15:19:13 UTC
but both those series sell extremely well in Japan, and I doubt either artist would be "allowed" to kill off a primary character - I highly doubt it matters if they're afraid to do so or not, their publishers want them to keep their series going a loooong time.

You give the publishers WAAAAYYYY too much power and credit. Both manga writers, while they might not have the power to put in whatever they want, have control over their plots. I didn't read One Piece, but I can see a clear cohesive plot that was well-planned and written out long before drawing the scenes even started. If they wanted to kill off a primary character then the manga writers are free to do so, the publisher's desire to make more money be damned.
As for primary characters being killed off, take a good look at the Hellsing manga. The only reason why we don't think Alucard dies in the end is because of one little epilogue. After that, it's done. Ten manga books for you, and that's all the books that are going to be sold yet they still sell like hotcakes.

Nope. Didn't exaggerate much in this. I feel that exaggerating when it comes to this book might end up being misleading. Of course, toning down things would be misleading too, but Paolini is known for going above and beyond in exaggerating his own writing.

[12]

silverphoenixx
November 22 2011, 04:45:17 UTC
In reference to the scene where Eragon uses Brisingr to cut an opening for him to go through, I was reminded strongly of how the Jedi in Star Wars used their light sabers to do the exact same thing. *Gasp!* Could this be where Paolini got the idea for the sword from?

[13]

charlottehywd
November 23 2011, 21:17:38 UTC
So... the main synopsis for this chapter is... Eragon runs! And is a sociopath again! And Roran is alive! Couldn't this have been cut down to like a page or two?

[13A]

mage_apprentice
November 26 2011, 07:15:33 UTC
I don't really understand your complaints. Looking through my spork and the chapter, I addressed the details and big topics that needed to be addressed in the chapter during the editing process (but the editor is too enamored with the book to actually do her job).

What do you think should be cut from this spork chapter? As it stands, it's a near full 3 pages, half the size of the six pages of the original chapter (which should've been cut). Granted, the ending could've used some trimming.

[13A1]

charlottehywd
November 26 2011, 16:28:58 UTC
Oh gosh, I don't think that I was very clear in my complaints. I was talking about the original chapter, not your spork of it. Your spork was quite well written, as usual. :-)

[13A1A]

mage_apprentice
November 26 2011, 17:04:46 UTC
That would explain. ^^

You think it should be cut from 6 pages to 1 or 2? You're nicer than I am. I think the entire chapter should've been cut. :)

[13A1A1]

charlottehywd
November 26 2011, 17:19:31 UTC
Glad to get that sorted out. I would never say something so unkind to a sporker like yourself. :-)

[13A1A1A]

mage_apprentice
November 26 2011, 17:26:19 UTC
To be honest, it didn't seem like an unkind thing. It just sounded like reasonable criticism addressing some writing redundancies.

If it were unkind, I'd either reply with some snippy remark or just ignore it. ;)

[13A1A1A1]

charlottehywd
November 26 2011, 17:32:32 UTC
Oh, OK. I guess I just tend to think other people are as sensitive as I am. ;-)

[13A2]

Anonymous
December 30 2011, 17:14:33 UTC
I just want to say that there's a lot of frustration about the editor 'not doing her job', but from what I understand, an editor doesn't have any real power over the final result of a book. They can make suggestions, and -strongly- make suggestions, but it's ultimately up to the author whether to actually implement them. Especially an author that you know is going to sell extremely well (whether they deserve to or not).

An editor can try to do their job, but if a bratty author says "I think it's fine this way!", they really have no power to force them to do anything. For all we know the poor woman was sending drafts back with big Xs over entire chapters and scrawled notes about how this is 'unnecessary' or 'redundant' or 'stupid word choice', and Paolini would scrawl back "too epic/important to remove" or "how will they know 'sorry' is an apology if I don't write it out?"

[14]

Anonymous
December 5 2011, 03:07:32 UTC
Great spork!

However, regarding Tifa and Cloud surviving the lifestream in FF7 . . . I thought that was explained by Aerith's spirit protecting them. I could be wrong, but as I recall they tried to explain it that way, at least.

Oh, how I wish Sasuke would die.

[15]

kris_norge
August 17 2013, 11:57:05 UTC
George RR Martin should write this! "You got a favourite character? Not anymore!" His books will likely end by "And then they all died. The End" He is an author who's not afraid of killing off main characters!