Inheritance Group Spork: Chapter Five

[pangolin20]

Pixen wrote in Antishurtugal, 2011-11-27 11:21:00

LOCATION: Everywhere
MOOD: Tired

Chapter Five: Aftermath (Official Sporking)
Ok, firstly I am very sorry for the delay in posting this chapter! Yes, I have excuses but they're even more boring than this chapter so... I'm gonna just jump right into sporking:

---

Chapter Five: Aftermath
So this chapter begins with Eragon resting on Saphira after the werecats have been recruited.

“I’m hungry!” he exclaimed.

Not quite as bad as "Sorry." Brom apologised, but that's what this reminds me of - which is never a good thing.

So, turns out they're resting in the courtyard, watching as people (oh, sorry, I meant 'men' which Paolini specifies for some reason) clear away both bodies and fallen stones into carts.

Anyone else thinking "bring outcha deaaad!" right now?

Blödhgarm and four elves stood nearby, watching for danger.

“Oi!” someone shouted.

Ok, my thoughts on the use of "oi". Paolini uses this word multiple times in this book, and I'm pretty sure some of those times it's Roran saying it if it's not another member of the Varden. So I'm assuming - read, guessing - that this is an attempt at making them sound rough and uncultured? Trouble with that is where I come from "oi" (or "oy") is really common, so all this does for me personally is yank me right out of the story. That is never a good thing. (by the way, is Oi used at all in Brisingr?)

So the 'someone' turns out to be Roran after all! Behind him is Angela who is forced to walk/run to keep up with Roran. She has yarn in her hand. Dunno, perhaps it's werecat bait?


“Where are you off to now?” Eragon asked as Roran stopped before him.

Um, sorry Eragon, Roran never said he was going anywhere, he just said "Oy!" (like a certain billy-bumbler whom I would much prefer to read about rather than these cardboard puppet characters.)

“To help secure the city and organize the prisoners.”

There's your answer, I guess.

So Eragon praises Roran's fighting ability, and vice-versa. Meanwhile Angela is knitting on the spot next to them, and Eragon asks about the whole cheep cheep thing.

An impish expression overtook her face, and she shook her head, her voluminous curls bouncing. “A story for another time.”

Translation: she'll tell the story when Paolini needs some urgent padding. Oh, and slight spoilers it's a completely not-funny, borderline-abusive deed on Angela's part. IMHO.

Eragon doesn't press the matter further, accompanied with more blah blah about Angela rarely explaining herself.

Roran asks Eragon where he's bound to. Saphira answers for once.

We’re going to get some food, said Saphira, and nudged Eragon with her snout, her breath warm on him as she exhaled.

Quick question: why, if Eragon has super senses now, is he not reeling with the smell of her breath? She's a meat eater; no matter how fastidious dragons may be about cleaning, her breath is still gonna smell really bad. Oh wait, she's Saphira - she's not allowed to have halitosis.

So Roran says his goodbyes and asks them to give his love to Katrina. Angela says her goodbyes too, she's got to attend to a brewing potion and see if she can find Solembum's mother. (What's the bet her name's gonna be something along the lines of Sadcheeks?)

She raised her hand to her brow, thumb and forefinger touching in a circle, and, in an overly cheerful voice, said, “Be seeing you!” And with that, she sailed off.

Eragon gets on Saphira and Paolini goes to the trouble of describing the sound her wings make as they unfold.

As Saphira lifted her wings overhead, Eragon could see the web of purplish veins that pulsed therein, each one becoming a hollow worm track as the flow of blood subsided between the beats of her mighty heart.

That's not only kinda gross sounding, but Saphira's veins aren't the only purple thing in this chapter.

... Saphira ... balanced for a moment on the merlons, the stones cracking between the points of her claws.

Dude, stop breaking things. You're just causing more work for the poor people who have to clean it all away.

An acrid taste and smell assaulted Eragon, and his eyes smarted as Saphira passed through the thick layer of smoke that hung over Belatona like a blanket of hurt, anger, and sorrow.

Did somebody say 'purple'? So anyway once Saphira's actually comfortably aloft she catches some thermals and Eragon admires some approaching storm clouds. Um, no caution at all? Oh wait, he's the guy strong enough to close a dragon's wing when she herself can't manage it. Never mind. He also takes the time to feel pretty l33t because "few people had ever had the chance to fly on a dragon." Well whoop-de-doo to you, Eragon Shadeslayer Shu'turgal Argetlam Sociopath.

Saphira heads towards the Varden's mess area. The storm wind is already approaching.

The shifting grass reminded him of the fur of a great green beast.

What? What does that have to do with anything?

A horse screamed as Saphira swept over the rows of tents to the clearing that was reserved for her.

Way to go not upsetting valuable members of the Varden's cavalry.

Saphira lands powerfully, knocking Eragon forward. She then apologises. What?! Eragon is already a God-mode Sue, he's not injured, what's the point of apologising even as she did her best to land gently? I mean, was there any point to this?

Katrina comes over, with her long auburn hair and baby bump. She wants to know what's going on.

Eragon mentions the werecats - which Katrina already knows about - and then passes on Roran's love. Katrina is still worried because she felt something from her enchanted ring (the one Eragon gave her during Brisingr, if I remember correctly)

But Eragon shrugs it off and lets her know he's fine. "Scared me half to death, though.”

Understandably, Katrina is not calmed down by this. I know that if my boyfriend and I were married with magical rings that let us know when the other was in danger I'd demand a complete rundown of everything that happened from a witness, but maybe I'm just a shrew because all that Katrina does is struggle with her visible emotions for a few seconds, mask them, and then get over it with a "at least you're both safe" cliche.

The next (also chapter ending) bit must be seen to be believed:

They parted, and Eragon and Saphira made their way to one of the mess tents close to the Varden’s cookfires. There they gorged themselves on meat and mead while the wind howled around them and bursts of rain pummeled the sides of the flapping tent.

As Eragon bit into a slab of roast pork belly, Saphira said, Is it good? Is it scrumptious?

“Mmm,” said Eragon, rivulets of juice running down his chin.

I have no words... Actually, yes, I do. I talked about this bit before in a previous post, but I must recap. See, this bit is just so revolting the moment I read it I thought of the Meat Series by kippurbird. It's like Paolini wrote his own meatfic into the actual story!

Furthermore, wonder why Saphira's dialogue is so out of character? That's because it's actually Gollum's dialogue - Paolini completely ripped from Tolkien - AGAIN!!

Thirdly, I didn't read Brisingr all the way through, so is there any point in time during that book in which Eragon decides to start eating meat again?

53 comments

[1]

darth_gojira
November 27 2011, 01:36:22 UTC
Oy gevalt. He still hasn't learned how to write.

And was I the only one who laughed out loud when the meat bit came up?

[1A]

pipedreamno20
November 27 2011, 12:39:40 UTC
Nope, I laughed as well; although it was a bit of a delayed reaction thanks the the blank incredulous look I gave the book beforehand, haha.

[1B]

white_wolf03
November 28 2011, 20:56:37 UTC
It's official; my OTP is EragonxMeat. I should totally make an icon for it.

[1B1]

charlottehywd
November 30 2011, 03:54:20 UTC
Please, please do.

[2]

ana0119
November 27 2011, 02:00:13 UTC
Was there anything accomplished in this chapter? Anything at all?

(Also, maybe an lj-cut?)

[2A]

pipedreamno20
November 27 2011, 12:40:46 UTC
Nothing accomplished except for a few Anti brains having to be seriously bleached!

[3]

predak123
November 27 2011, 02:30:55 UTC
Nicely done. :D

According to my electric copy of Brickingr, there ain't a single "oi" or "oy" in it. Consistency? Psh, who needs it?

"Well whoop-de-doo to you, Eragon Shadeslayer Shu'turgal Argetlam Sociopath." Loved this bit. :D

[3A]

predak123
November 27 2011, 03:48:04 UTC
Also, HOLY LJ-CUT, BATMAN! ;)

Looks like I need to get workin' on chapter 6, huh?

[3A1]

pipedreamno20
November 27 2011, 12:41:26 UTC
It's cut now (iPhone Livejournal app was being a pain and refused to show all the options, argh)

[4]

jair_greycoat
November 27 2011, 03:27:01 UTC
Eragon should be revolted at Saphira’s breath. It was even stated in Brisingr that cleaning her teeth was a smelly job that left him needing a bath. Unfortunately, I think if a question were asked of Paolini about this, he would just make a phone call to magic.

Eragon decided eating meat was necessary in approximately three and a half pages of philosophical and descriptive padding at the start of the chapter “To Walk the Land Alone.” Three and a half pages.

A quote:

Perhaps, he mused, perhaps when I return . . . if I am at Nasuada’s table, or King Orrin’s, and meat is served . . . perhaps, if I feel like it and it would be rude to refuse, I might have a few bites. . . . I won’t eat the way I used to, but neither shall I be as strict as the elves. Moderation is a wiser policy than zealotry, I think.

How Eragon proceeds to feast on meat at literally every opportunity after this is a subject deserving of a spork all in itself. It’s also an importunity to theorize as to why he isn’t being consistent. Is his link with Saphira adversely affecting him?

[4A]

pipedreamno20
November 27 2011, 12:57:34 UTC
Ah, that's interesting to know about the link to Saphira's breath even in Brisingr. Guess he just forgot about it, haha.

Not sure that 'gorging' yourself on meat to the extent that meat juice is dripping down to your chin is in 'moderation'. XD

It would be an awesome idea for a story in which whoever bonds with a dragon has difficulty keeping an omnivorous diet due to their link with a carnivorous creature. Has anyone done anything like that before?

[4A1]

jair_greycoat
November 27 2011, 18:10:08 UTC
The idea has been mentioned in this community before, a few years ago I think. As to whether anyone has done it. . . . Eh. . . that would be me, if you count unpublished stuff. In my first draft. I eventually threw the idea out because it got pretty disgusting fast. Although come to think of it, the dragon-human link equals One Ring idea would be interesting to read. I just don’t want to read any scenes with a character eating meat in front of a dragon, like the one you sporked.

Also, “importunity”? How did I—I don’t even—*facepalm*

[4B]

lady_licht
November 27 2011, 22:31:37 UTC
We just witnessed PaoPao living through his vegetarian-phase.

[5]

mage_apprentice
November 27 2011, 03:58:20 UTC
“I’m hungry!” he exclaimed.
"Quit whining!" I shouted.
Anyone else thinking "bring outcha deaaad!" right now?
Now let's replace the "dying" old man with Eragon.
An impish expression overtook her face, and she shook her head, her voluminous curls bouncing. “A story for another time.”
It SHOULD be a story for NOW since we as in the Varden and the readers who actually like her don't want the next time we see Angela to be her murdered mercilessly and her corpse being devoured, all by werecats.
Oh wait, he's the guy strong enough to close a dragon's wing when she herself can't manage it.
Eragon G.S. Bromson was human back then, too.
“Mmm,” said Eragon, rivulets of juice running down his chin.
Heheheheheh. I still love taking that line out of context. It's prime material for Meat fic. I don't know why kippurbird still hasn't written one for this scene.
Thirdly, I didn't read Brisingr all the way through, so is there any point in time during that book in which Eragon decides to start eating meat again?
It's actually pretty close to the beginning of Brisingr when Eragon decided that meat was okay. He was dying of starvation in the desert after dealing with Sloan and decided that meat is okay to eat during moments of survival and that it would be rude to refuse meat dishes. However, eating meat on the occasion and just devouring meat like a starving animal when you yourself aren't starving is a really big leap.

[5A]

pipedreamno20
November 27 2011, 13:00:25 UTC
Now let's replace the "dying" old man with Eragon.

"I'm not dead!" Give it a minute, Eragon; we'll make sure you're dead in a giffy.

I don't know why kippurbird still hasn't written one for this scene.

Maybe the meat isn't properly cooked yet? *sporfle* Either that, or this is JUST SO BAD it doesn't need a fic to go alongside.

However, eating meat on the occasion and just devouring meat like a starving animal when you yourself aren't starving is a really big leap.

Yeah; he's REALLY enjoying that meat...

[6]

clibanarius
November 27 2011, 03:58:46 UTC
Whatever happened to him not wanting to eat meat?

And what the hell is it with writers who have this aversion to the word 'said'?

[6]

unboxed_project
November 27 2011, 04:07:16 UTC
The shifting grass reminded him of the fur of a great green beast.

The vomitous tone of the prose reminded me of the Purple People Eater.

Oh yeah. I went there.

[6A]

lady_licht
November 27 2011, 22:41:56 UTC
Ever watched "Lady in the Water"?

[7]

torylltales
November 27 2011, 04:31:36 UTC
each one becoming a hollow worm track as the flow of blood subsided between the beats of her mighty heart.

That's not the way blood works, Paolini. That's not the way at all.

Still, not as pointless (or as obviously just padding) as the chapter I'm sporking.

Next up are:

Chapter Six: Memories of the Dead - dibbed by predak123 - and I missed [info]distinctvague too, argh!

Chapter Seven: What Is a Man? - collab by pipedreamno20 and [info]predak123)

Chapter Eight: The Price of Power - dibbed by jair_greycoat (backup sporker predak123)

[7A]
I regret nothing.

venusrain
November 27 2011, 05:16:14 UTC
Silly Paolini, everyone knows that a man is a miserable little pile of secrets!

[8]

penname_smith
November 27 2011, 04:31:39 UTC
She raised her hand to her brow, thumb and forefinger touching in a circle, and, in an overly cheerful voice, said, “Be seeing you!” And with that, she sailed off.

Oh, fuck everything. What did The Prisoner ever do to you?

[9]

swankivy
November 27 2011, 05:58:55 UTC
Crap. You're annoyed by all the same things I rant about at length in my essay that I'm going to release when I'm done.

Most notably:

Meat, obviously.

The "great green beast."

The frigging SMOKE described as A BLANKET OF HURT AND SORROW or whatever. Though I go off hollering like a fool for a while about how unnecessary this is.

The dumbness of having rings that let Katrina know Roran's in danger if they're going to cover it up anyway.

The "lift" of "scrumptious" from the Hobbit story.

And how Angela's stories are so contrived and poorly placed. :P

[9A]

pipedreamno20
November 27 2011, 13:04:20 UTC
Might i say "great minds think alike"? ;) Really looking forward to your essay!

[9A1]

swankivy
November 27 2011, 18:01:23 UTC
Har, thank you. :D

[9A2]

lady_licht
November 27 2011, 22:40:01 UTC
Wasn't that "two idiots, one thought?" XD

[9A2A]

teufelsgebraeu
November 28 2011, 22:11:54 UTC
I think that only exists in German. :P

[9A2A1]

lady_licht
November 28 2011, 23:02:41 UTC
Now it exists in English as well. ;D

[9A2A1A]

pipedreamno20
November 29 2011, 04:55:07 UTC
It's a pretty neat saying, might start using it ;)

[9B]

charlottehywd
November 30 2011, 03:58:55 UTC
The blanket of hurt/sorrow/whatever makes me think of some sort of quilt or afghan that is a depressing gray and embroidered with a bunch of sad faces or something. Emo blanket?

Or maybe I am just crazy. Again.

[10]

caelynx
November 27 2011, 06:23:02 UTC
"Saphira said, Is it good? Is it scrumptious?"

My previoussss meat! Wow, you would think he'd grown out of that by now.

"The shifting grass reminded him of the fur of a great green beast."

Was it even necessary to mention that? So many unnecessary purpley descriptions... SMOKE OF SORROW!

"“Mmm,” said Eragon, rivulets of juice running down his chin."

Uh...Yeah, that speaks for itself.

[11]

fireez
November 27 2011, 08:16:27 UTC
I'm not going to say what went through my mind at the purplish veins pulsing, because it is NSFW. I need to get my mind out of the gutter. Problem is, it's funny down there.

Also, because I can and am on the road to bad joke hell anyway... Blödhgarm. "Blöd" is a German slang word for "stupid". Oi, Paolini, your characters have literally stupid names!

[11A]

predak123
November 27 2011, 11:23:54 UTC
"I need to get my mind out of the gutter. Problem is, it's funny down there."

XD I love this comm.

[11B]

pipedreamno20
November 27 2011, 13:05:57 UTC
Oh. Ew. Hahaha, I hadn't made that link until now. Haha. Hah. Hhh... *gouges out eyes*

[11C]

lady_licht
November 27 2011, 22:43:33 UTC
The "blöd"-thing comes up every time this poor elf's name is mentioned XD He's doomed for life!

[11C1]

charlottehywd
November 30 2011, 04:00:32 UTC
Isn't he also a furry, or have I gotten them mixed up?

[11C1A]

lady_licht
November 30 2011, 04:10:32 UTC
I believe he is.

[11C1A1]

charlottehywd
November 30 2011, 04:24:02 UTC
Poor man! er... elf...thing...

[11C1A1A]

lady_licht
November 30 2011, 04:36:31 UTC
He brought it upon himself... According to The Voice Of God elves in Pao-world decide what form they take on.
*strolls off watching Fur with Nicole Kidman*

[11C1A1A1]

charlottehywd
November 30 2011, 04:45:12 UTC
Personally, I think they would be cooler if they were originally horrific monstrosities who shapeshifted themselves into prettier, stronger, faster humans, or something. But I also hate his elf-Sues.

[11C1A1A1A]

lady_licht
December 1 2011, 05:30:22 UTC
Who doesn't?

[11C1A1A1A1]

charlottehywd
December 1 2011, 13:58:15 UTC
Well, I'm sure Paolini doesn't! I'm sure that he wants us to think of them as awesome, cool, powerful, sexy, etc. Of course, with most Mary Sue races, this kind of backfires. This is part of the reason I was rooting for the humans in Avatar, not the pretty, shiny blue elves (essentially, they were elves).

[12]

streamfish
November 27 2011, 08:52:29 UTC
They parted, and Eragon and Saphira made their way to one of the mess tents close to the Varden’s cookfires. There they gorged themselves on meat and mead while the wind howled around them and bursts of rain pummeled the sides of the flapping tent.

How much meat would it take to feed a carnivore with the appetite of a bird for an extended period of time? Are there entire flocks of sheep set aside for Saphira's daily snacking? Whut.

Saphira lands powerfully, knocking Eragon forward. She then apologises. What?! Eragon is already a God-mode Sue, he's not injured, what's the point of apologising even as she did her best to land gently? I mean, was there any point to this?

Does she apologize A LOT or is it just a "whoops, my bad"? Because if she launches into a full-blown apology I might cry.

[12A]

predak123
November 27 2011, 11:25:40 UTC
"How much meat would it take to feed a carnivore with the appetite of a bird for an extended period of time? Are there entire flocks of sheep set aside for Saphira's daily snacking? Whut."

I think at one point I did some very unscientific calculations and found that Saphira would be eating the equivalent of a deer a day when she's active. A cow is equal to about 3 deer? I dunno, it was a while back. In any case, she'd be eating an awful lot.

[12B]

torylltales
November 27 2011, 11:47:21 UTC
I love the fact that in a few short chapters they will be angsting about how little food the Varden has for its army, but here they are "gorging themselves" on expensive and difficult-to-replace meat.

Is it foreshadowing? Or just poor planning?

[12B1]

charlottehywd
November 30 2011, 04:02:04 UTC
Yikes. Does it cause a lot of resentment on the part of all the starving soldiers who really could have used all that meat? Or are Eragon and Saphira too Sue-tastic for that to be a concern?

[12C]

pipedreamno20
November 27 2011, 13:09:55 UTC
Does she apologize A LOT or is it just a "whoops, my bad"? Because if she launches into a full-blown apology I might cry.

Eragon half stood in the saddle as Saphira flared her wings and slowed to a near standstill over the torn earth. The impact as she struck knocked Eragon forward.

Sorry, she said. I tried to land as softly as I could .

I know.

~~~

It just has this "I feel so bad and guilty" tone to it that I just really got annoyed at, which is why it comes up in the spork.

[12C1]

streamfish
November 28 2011, 00:51:03 UTC
Yeah, that tone does seem somewhat patronizing. :\

[13]

syntinen_laulu
November 27 2011, 15:10:04 UTC
her voluminous curls bouncing

Because she's worth it.

Sorry: hair with voluminous bouncy curls simply does not exist in nature - you need heated tongs and a lot of hair product to achieve curls that bounce when you shake your head. Do we assume that Angela Paolini is a lavish user of L'Oreal?

[13A]

feistyfitz
November 27 2011, 20:56:28 UTC
Also, it seems we can assume that surfactants and the like obviously exist in his world. Huh?

[13A1]

predak123
November 29 2011, 10:11:18 UTC
Maaaagical surfactants! Maaaaaagical shampoo! Why try to end Galbatorix's reign and end poverty when you can create that magical volume and bounce?

[13A1A]

charlottehywd
December 1 2011, 13:59:35 UTC
Angela ought to go into business as a magic hairdresser. She could probably make pretty good money.

[14]

maegwin_of_hern
November 27 2011, 17:07:31 UTC
That's it? That's a whole chapter? Eragon not getting answers from Angela, leaving the city, flying to the camp, not telling Katrina anything worth mentioning and then having dinner? There's no new information on anything! And this is what Paolini considers sufficient action material for a whole chapter?

[15]

distinctvaguens
November 27 2011, 20:45:47 UTC
Yep this was a pointless chapter. Eragon wants to eat. Roran and Eragon do something pointless. Angela acts vague and pointless. Eragon flies which is pointless. He talks to Katrina which is pointless. And finally eats his meat which is pointless.

In my video spork for this chapter I decided to speed the whole thing up cuz I was only summarizing trivial events for 3 minutes with one funny moment of rage at the end.

Good job pipedreamno20 I was so bored with this chapter I didn't catch all those little stupid moments. The faux-drama between Roran and Katrina starting here in this chapter was so stupid and also poorly executed, rendering it pointless.