Inheritance Spork: Chapter Seventy Four: Fírnen (Part the Second) wherein I bitch incessantly

[pangolin20]

Pixen wrote in Antishurtugal, 2013-07-14 17:18:00

Inheritance Spork: Chapter Seventy Four: Fírnen (Part the Second) wherein I bitch incessantly

(I don't at all wish to step on distinctvaguens's toes here, and was given leave to post my own version of this chapter spork, so here goes...)



It was early in the afternoon when they arrived at the location Arya had designated: a gentle curve in the Ramr River that marked its farthest excursion eastward.

Problems created with this first paragraph are:

1. I'm already bored.
2. Insistent thesaurus abuse.
3. Ramr's pronunciation remains a mystery to me - since I honestly can not be bothered 'studying the source languages in order to master their true intricacies'. (Honestly, Paolini, could you possibly be any more pretentious about your poor excuse for a conlang?)

Eragon looks around for Arya to no avail whilst he's on Saphira's back, then she lands and the pair relax for a while on the riverbank. It could have been a nice moment to capture: dragon and dragon rider whiling away the time in companionable silence as they listen to the river flow by... if it was actually properly captured in prose, that is. Instead Paolini decides Eragon has to do something; so he starts carving a piece of rock into an arrowhead.

When he was satisfied with the simple, triangular point, he set it aside and began to grind a larger piece into a leaf-bladed dagger, similar to those the elves carried.

They did not have to wait as long as he first thought.

Aw man, and here I was absolutely riveted with this carving stuff. We need more of it in Paolini's next masterpiece.

Arya takes a whole hour to arrive. For Eragon, an hour is evidently not as long as he was expecting. As Arya did not actually give him a rendezvous time in the letter, I suppose this is fair enough...? It's still worded pretty oddly, though.

Saphira notices Arya's arrival first.

Her body stiffened against his, (if you know what I mean) and he felt a strange emotion within her: a sense of impending momentousness.

Eragon gets up and has a look for himself, and sees a shining green spark in the sky. It's described in a much more purpley prose than this of course. The pair of them are both stunned by this and can't speak, so Eragon climbs on Saphira's back and she opens her wings.

Once they can see it more clearly and realise it is actually a dragon (surprise surprise), Saphira roars - utters a resonant trumpet, actually, but you get the idea - and takes flight. I'm not actually sure Paolini cares at this stage just how much he's ripping off McCaffery. Pern's dragons should start a brass band given all the bugles and trumpets - and Alagaesia looks to be heading the same way. For once it'd be nice for a dragon to organ- waaaiiiit... never mind, Paolini's got that covered too. Pun intended.

Both he and she alternated between elation and a wariness born of too many battles. In their caution, it pleased them that they had the sun to their backs.

Deductive reasoning, please. Arya took the unhatched dragon egg back to the elves. Arya sent Eragon a letter asking him to 'meet me' at the river; and requested he not tell anyone else. I'm assuming Arya, then, would not have told anyone else, either. Eragon and Saphira do not have to be wary when it is blatantly obvious that Arya's on top. Pun intended.

Eragon can spot that the dragon is still young, and Paolini waxes poetic about what different particular shade of green the dragon's wings are when the sun is shining through them and when not. Given that I cannot bring to mind the particular colour of holly and oak leaves in spring (we have neither in very much abundance where I live, just mostly eucalyptus, haha) this might as well have said: "when against his body his wings were green, but when the light shone through them, they were green." Besides, if I really did care about this particular description (hey, it might assist the fanartists?) I'd have to Google Search to find out the difference. It's been said before far more succinctly by others, but I'll say it again till the cows come home: description is there to assist the reader in visualising the things in the story. All this crap about leaves does nothing but distance me from the scene, and I'm sure many other readers feel the same.

So Eragon finally sees Arya on the dragon's back. He's really happy to see her but he's NOT ACTUALLY SURE IT'S HER YET.

I'll give you a moment to digest this.

And perhaps scream "DEDUCTIVE REASONING" to the ceiling if it please you.

And perhaps even go into a frustrated mental rage as you remember how Eragon has super senses now and can clearly see a very long distance away yet he cannot identify her?

Prosopagnosia. Has to be. Plot bunny away! Eragon's been bashed on the head a few too many times and he's actually been attracted to every female elf he meets because he can't tell the difference. That's why 'Arya' keeps changing her mind whether to reject or encourage his awkward advances. The elvish community at large are very uncomfortable with the whole thing but can't summon the courage to tell him.

Saphira and the green dragon fly in a circle, and Eragon touches Arya's mind to check it's really her. Uh-HUH.

He withdrew a moment later, for it would have been rude to prolong the [mental] contact without her consent.

If you know what I mean.

The two dragons land after playing chasies for a while. Eragon runs to Arya, banging the sheath of Brisingr against his leg because he's evidently having to compensate for something that's - whilst also having a sheath and is in close proximity to his leg - not as impressive and doesn't light on fire when you say the magic word.

Unless Eragon's into fire play.

But I doubt Paolini knows what that is.

So never mind.

Arya runs over to Eragon, too. Eragon sees that she's got a crown on instead of the leather headband. Hey, it's not like she ate the cow after skinning it. Arya's also got a sword now, it's green (fancy that) and has been reworked to look more lighter, graceful and narrower. Uh-huh. So not impressed by what's been insinuated here.

"Speak elvish to me, baby." Eragon said.

"Atra esterní ono thelduin, Eragon."

"God that gets me hot."

So Arya's the elven queen now. Huzzah! Guess all that crap about how elven princesses don't necessarily take over from their queen mothers was all talk, then?

Eragon asks after the green dragon.

The green dragon snorted and lowered his head until it hung just above them, smoke and steam rising from the depths of his crimson nostrils.

Ew, the green dragon has red nostrils?



Attractive...

Eragon looked up into one of Fírnen's brilliant eyes; the bands of muscle within the dragon's iris were the pale green and yellow of new blades of grass [...] and the dragon blinked once, with a small, sharp sound like a shell bounding against a stone.

I went onto Wikipedia and tried to nut this out, to no avail. Nevertheless I do not think it possible to see the iris muscles from the front. Can somebody please clarify in layman's terms? For such ridiculously uneeded detail Paolini sure loves to be specific about it. Never mind the silly blinking simile. Last I checked, blinking was a silent action. I think the only species I can call to mind which blink quite audibly is a deliberately envelope-pushing alien one (the Slitheen from Doctor Who). And for the record, their eyelids are also rotated 90 degrees.

Eragon and Firnen get properly introduced, then the two dragons turn their attentions back onto each other. Eragon starts getting some pretty serious excited feelings from Saphira. If you know what I mean. He does not attempt to turn his bond with Saphira down in intensity. Even if such a thing was not possible, surely you'd think he'd try anyway. He knows the name of all names, right?

Arya calls it 'taken to each other'. I call it squick. The two dragons are crouching. Meanwhile, Arya and Eragon catch up about non-consequential crap (this spork is already far too long) and keep tabs on what the dragons are talking about telepathically. Once the dragons are done talking they turn their attentions to other matters.

Saphira and Firnen began to circle each other, the tips of their tails whipping back and forth faster than ever. They both had their jaws slightly open, baring their long white teeth, and they were breathing thickly through their mouths and uttering low, whining grunts, the likes of which Eragon had never heard before.

Y'know what's kinda revolting? Besides the entire turn this chapter is taking? The fact that Paolini wrote this in the first place. So much for raising these dragons up as proud, wise, magical and amazing creatures. As much of an Informed Attribute that was to begin with, now we are privy to each and every blow-by-blow (pun intended) of draconic foreplay as if we were merely watching a nature documentary. In fact, I can practically hear David Attenborough now:

"It looks almost as if they are going to attack each other. The female... goes to test him. See: she lunges and bites him on the flank. Oh, and the male is retreating, unsure of himself."

She again slapped her tail against the ground, and he felt her certainty and the strength of her desire - I know everything about him - everything but this. Besides - she displayed a flash of amusement - it's not as if dragons mate for life.

No, Saphira, UR DOIN IT WRONG. Definitely wrong.

Arya plays relationship counsellor to the two and advises Firnen to bite Saphira back if he wants her to respect him. How on earth is Arya meant to know how dragon sex works before Firnen has had the chance to experience it for himself and Arya in tow? There are just so many unfortunate ramifications to this whole setup never mind the fact there are discrepancies like this one everywhere. Which problems do I ignore, and which do I nitpick at?

Oh, here's one that I just can't ignore.

Firnen bites Saphira back.

The pain Saphira felt was not pain.

If you know what I mean.

I'm practically speechless at how awkward this whole development is. Why is this being presented this way? I'd at least be a tad mollified if there was a chapter break between all of Arya's and Eragon's catch-up conversation and then a Saphira-POV chapter. Or even a Firnen-POV chapter just to stir it up. One where the dragons can at least block the link between their human partners before they do the deed. Eragon and Arya are pretty much just sitting there right next to their horny dragons giving tips and tricks, smiling wryly at each other and getting the "FULL 3D EXPERIENCE" in the meantime. Ew.

Then Firnen breaths green fire. Cause he's a green dragon and all. Has it ever been established that Saphira breaths blue fire? Cause that'd be logical and all?

"That's the first time he has breathed fire!"

Nope, no raging innuendo here - move right along, folks. *smirk*

For the love of all that is holy, Paolini FINALLY chucks a dragon-specific 'fade-to-black' here when Saphira and Firnen fly up and shrink from sight (though not entirely). They continue flaming in the sky as they circle around each other.

Eragon realized he was watching an ancient and elemental ritual, one that was part of the very fabric of nature itself and without which the land would wither and die.

Dude, it's just two dragons about to have sex, geez, calm down.

His connection with Saphira grew tenuous as the distance between them increased, but he could still sense the heat of her passion, which darkened the edges of her vision and blotted out all thoughts save those driven by the instinctual need that all creatures, even the elves, are subject to.

Nope. This has NEVER been the case (unless I'm very much mistaken, but I remember in Eragon they were able to talk to each other just fine when they were cities away...?) Just come up with a different way to block the link entirely, don't lie to the readers and try to retcon at this stage. Also asexuals don't exist in Alagaesia. EVERYBODY WANTS SEX, EVEN THOSE DERN ELVES.

Though he had experienced many such moments with the Eldunari when they had shared their memories with him, his cheeks grew hot, as did the tips of his ears, and he found himself unable to look directly at Arya.

Those moments with the Eldunari? The ones that have never come up before? Wow, for such an intimate moment those Dragonballs sure are eager and willing to share. Yes, I remember the long night we had a dragon-elf orgy, too bad I can't any more because I'm one ball and a penis short... You understand what that's like, don't you, Eragon?

I'm starting to think sporking this chapter was a really bad idea for me.

Eragon let out a sigh, and then squatted and began to draw in the dirt with a stalk of grass. "Well, that didn't take long," he said.

"That's what she said," said Arya, and scored a high-five from Pipedream.

Eragon looks at Arya and angsts. He finds a flat rock and begins painting it with magic. It turns out to be a picture of Arya. Naturally, it's bloody amazing. According to Eragon, anyway. Arya swipes the rock off him with magic and has a look herself.

Looking him straight in the eye, she said in the ancient language, "Eragon, if you are willing, I would like to tell you my true name."

Not at all because our dragons just consummated their own relationship (as much as it is which isn'tmuch). Not at all because I'm still reeling from THAT. So yeah, Arya does: softly into his ear. Kinky. Eragon is driven to reassure Arya that he doesn't think any less of her after hearing the name which in essence names her whole self. Then he tells her his.

His whole being vibrated in recognition of the words.

She says he has a good name. Eragon realises now that they've exchanged names there's a new bond between them. So, basically they did after all have sex but without all the icky stuff. He feels vulnerable now that she's 'seen him', accepted him and seen the depth of his feelings for her. Freud would have a field day.

"Arya, what is to become of us?"

"Gawd, Eragon; it was just a one-night-stand. Don't call me, I'll call you."

Arya ums and ahs, saying that humans often change their minds after a good few years. Eragon is insistent that his feelings towards her won't change. Which is simply pigheadedness just so he can get what he wants when he wants it. It makes him sound like a spoiled brat with zero empathy or care for the other party's needs and wishes and sensible points like THERE IS NO 'US'.

So Arya says maybe in time. But Eragon's STILL not happy with that answer because he's already planned to fly away from Alagaesia with the eggs and raise new dragons and dragonriders elsewhere, and says they don't have time.

"I do not know if we will ever see each other again."

That's emotional blackmail, pure and simple. He's just trying to play on her feelings for him. He asks if she'd give up being queen to come with him, and she retorts with the question would he give up the eggs to stay here. No on both accounts. Naturally. Arya's calling bullshit on the entire plan which is very true - they don't ACTUALLY have to leave - and Eragon in defense remembers Angela's prophecy. So just because it was prophesied, Eragon figures it's set in stone. Which is just stupid.

Arya gets misty eyed at the prospect, so does Eragon.

And they stood next to each other, gazing into the sky and waiting for Saphira and Firnen to return. After a while, her hand touched his, and he grasped it, and thought it was a small comfort, it helped dull the ache in his heart.

More like your bleeding heart, Eragon. *unimpressed*


11 comments

[1]

Anonymous
July 14 2013, 22:13:36 UTC
Can somebody please clarify in layman's terms?

I actually can! What a stupid thing to read about two days in a row.

You know when you look into somebody's eyes and you see all sorts of different colors and little lines? Those are the muscle striations. Paolini's referring to the different colors that come out of seeing those striations.

Is it intensely stupid to refer to them as 'bands of muscle' when you could just say 'irises'? Yes it is. Are we surprised? No we are not.

[1A]

pipedreamno20
July 17 2013, 05:52:32 UTC
Oh, that makes sense, thanks so much :) Didn't realise those pretty flecks of colour were actually part of the iris muscle. Heh. Trust Paolini to make something sound far more complicated than it has to be :/

[1A1]

angel_renoir
July 17 2013, 13:13:12 UTC Edited: July 17 2013, 13:20:30 UTC
Can I say that this is the mental image I get when I read that eye-muscle line?



That's a hyper-close-up of the human eye, showing the muscles in EVERY loving detail.

Oh, but this is a dragon, so how about we get some reptile eyes.

Here's a Nile crocodile's:



How about a tiger python?



Or an iguana?




Yeah, Paopao, you made it sound so scientific by describing it as "muscles" and this thing is GROSS okay?

(sorry for the pictures)

[1A1A]

Anonymous
July 25 2013, 15:12:56 UTC
That's actually pretty cool. I mean, yeah, kinda gross. but cool.

I just happened upon the information the day before I originally posted because somebody was complaining about the lack of striations in a character's eye (which resulted in just a blank green ring of an iris that just looks awful and uncanny when the character was supposed to be rendered photorealistic). I'd never really stared at somebody's eye to figure out how it really looked.

[2]

rossman613
July 14 2013, 23:53:23 UTC
So the land would "wither and die" if there wasn't any dragon sex?
...um, there WASN'T any dragon sex for a century or so, I thought. Since there were no dragons. And it doesn't look like Alagaesia withered then...
(In other words, an extreme case of hyperbole/exaggeration that is not only pointless, but actually wrong.)

Both sparks of this (really squicky) chapter were great, BTW. Nice to finally get to the part where we SEE the dragon on the cover. (If he's on the cover, how come it took so long for us to get to him?)

[2A]

pipedreamno20
July 17 2013, 05:57:56 UTC
Yes, that's what I thought. Besides Glaedr who didn't have a chance to mate until Saphira came along (and then decided he didn't want to) there's just Thorn (once again Saphira can't mate with him because The Author Said So), eggs and Eldunari. The pretentiousness of the entire paragraph is just so frustrating.

I would have very much appreciated more Firnen. It might have (well, perhaps I'm being a little too hopeful here) actually given us more of a three dimensional character to appreciate. Then again, this IS Paolini we're talking about here. I think Firnen gets like... one speaking line in the entire chapter? Ridiculous. What a lot of wasted

[3]

Anonymous
July 15 2013, 17:58:54 UTC
HILARIOUS! Also, you made me laugh way too loudly in a library at the "red nostrils" pic and comment. Also, it's kind of creepy that Eragon randomly decides to make weapons (the dagger and the arrowhead) when he's board. Psychopath much? Also, really? The elves use STONE daggers? Not metal? When was this ever mentioned? And am I the only one who finds it even more awkward that Eragon and Arya are linked to dragons whose gender is the opposite of their own - so when the dragons have sex their riders are experiencing it from a different gender's POV. Wouldn't that be really weird? AGHH! This chapter is so squicky!

[3A]

zorbulon
July 15 2013, 18:43:51 UTC
But of course elves use stone daggers.

Why?

Because in PaoPaoLand, ELVES ROCK!

... sorry.

[3B]

pipedreamno20
July 18 2013, 04:58:16 UTC
And am I the only one who finds it even more awkward that Eragon and Arya are linked to dragons whose gender is the opposite of their own - so when the dragons have sex their riders are experiencing it from a different gender's POV.

That's actually something I didn't exactly think too much about. But you raise a very interesting point. That would be very weird, yes; especially since the broadcast was turned up so 'loud'.

[4]

with_rainfall
July 17 2013, 11:33:32 UTC
Hilarious spork!

"Speak elvish to me, baby." Eragon said.

"Atra esterní ono thelduin, Eragon."

"God that gets me hot."

In fact, I can practically hear David Attenborough now:

"It looks almost as if they are going to attack each other. The female... goes to test him. See: she lunges and bites him on the flank. Oh, and the male is retreating, unsure of himself."

That's absolute gold. You know, it occurs to me that if only Paolini didn't take his books so seriously, we could've had some actual (intentional) humour. But then let's face it, these wouldn't be half as snarkable.
And God forbid that Eragon and Arya have TEH SECKS. I'd like to think that Paolini gave us this squicky dragon sex because he knew deep down that Arya would never consent to actually sleep with Eragon. *snerk*

[5]

aikaterini
July 17 2013, 18:40:48 UTC
/sees a shining green spark in the sky./

So, we finally see the dragon that’s on the cover and it’s after the villain has already been defeated? What a letdown.

/Arya calls it 'taken to each other'. I call it squick./

Umm, exactly how old is Firnen? I mean, I know that they’re dragons, but considering how much older Saphira must be…I don’t know. I have a feeling that the only reason that they’re interested in each other is because they’re the only two dragons around.

/I know everything about him/

You just met him.

/How on earth is Arya meant to know how dragon sex works before Firnen has had the chance to experience it for himself and Arya in tow?/

How does she know this at all? She’s not a dragon. The dragons have been gone for years before Saphira showed up. Is there some secret manual that the elves have on dragon mating rituals?

/Also asexuals don't exist in Alagaesia./

Well, we haven’t seen any gays or lesbians in Alagaesia either, have we?

/Wow, for such an intimate moment those Dragonballs sure are eager and willing to share./

Oh, my goodness, this chapter is becoming hilarious. XD

/Eragon is insistent that his feelings towards her won't change. Which is simply pigheadedness just so he can get what he wants when he wants it./

Hasn’t Eragon and Arya’s entire relationship been like this?

“I want you.”

“Um, not interested.”

“But I want you.”

“This isn’t going to work out.”

“YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, ARYA!”