BattleAxe Sporking: Part Two
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theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-01-06 11:06:00
MOOD:
tiredMUSIC: God of War II Soundtrack
BattleAxe Sporking: Part Two
The next chapter cuts to King Theseus- uh, Priam at his capital, Carlon. His head is apparently “closely curled”, which immediately has me picturing either a huge Afro or a serious skull deformity, and he’s enjoying a parade of “largely talentless” children performing on behalf of the various guilds.
"Hail to tha king, baby."
"Hail to tha king, baby."
Way to subtly dump on kids, author. Why didn’t they get the talented kids to perform instead, if the King is going to be an asshole about it? He then infodumps about how there’s going to be a big public feast in honour of his “nameday” and how various named nobles who will not be important donated this, that or the other thing. The most generous of all is Duke Borneheld, who is apparently filthy rich and owns a lot of land. Borneheld, by the way, will have you feeling sorry for him pretty quickly even though the author clearly wants you to hate him.
Eventually the narrative moves on to a long and detailed description of Priam’s banquet hall, which is apparently called The Chamber Of The Moons and has an impressive mural on the ceiling plus nice emerald green marble flooring, etc. etc. Jayme is there trying to enjoy the feast in spite of the bad news.
We now finally cut to one of our two main protagonists, an eighteen year old noblewoman named Faraday. No, I don’t know why she was named after scientist Michael Faraday, but there you go. (Rule one of character naming – for gods’ sakes make sure the name won’t immediately remind readers of something it shouldn’t).
"Hi, I'm Faraday. I'm a beautiful brunette with intelligent green eyes. Teehee! Oh Axis, take me now!"
Eventually the narrative moves on to a long and detailed description of Priam’s banquet hall, which is apparently called The Chamber Of The Moons and has an impressive mural on the ceiling plus nice emerald green marble flooring, etc. etc. Jayme is there trying to enjoy the feast in spite of the bad news.
We now finally cut to one of our two main protagonists, an eighteen year old noblewoman named Faraday. No, I don’t know why she was named after scientist Michael Faraday, but there you go. (Rule one of character naming – for gods’ sakes make sure the name won’t immediately remind readers of something it shouldn’t).
"Hi, I'm Faraday. I'm a beautiful brunette with intelligent green eyes. Teehee! Oh Axis, take me now!"
Right away the author pulls a trick of the Never, Ever Do This variety as she describes Faraday as having “intelligent green eyes”. On the surface of it this sounds harmless enough, but in reality it’s an incredibly lazy characterisation shortcut – the author can’t be bothered to show this character being intelligent, so she just slaps a pair of “intelligent” eyes on her and calls it a day (Faraday’s actual actions will in fact swiftly establish her as an idiot). The author goes on to compound the felony by “telling” a bunch of Faraday’s other traits, such as how she’s naturally “witty”. Uh, evidence, please? (If memory serves, she’s actually not the slightest bit witty or amusing. Fail).
On top of being (allegedly) smart, witty and born into privilege, Faraday is also beautiful, something else the author goes into detail about. Somehow I’m not finding her at all interesting or relateable.
Can anyone guess why? If not, then I’ll tell you why. It’s because traits like being beautiful and smart on the basis of no evidence are not sympathetic. We sympathise with characters because we can relate to their problems and their personal goals. So far we don’t know anything about Faraday’s problems or her aspirations (unfortunately this is in part because she doesn’t have any). All we know is that she’s a brunette with “fine bone structure” and that she’s supposedly intelligent. Not only is this not sympathetic, but it’s not interesting either. It’s boring. I’m bored. Nothing is happening, I can’t connect with any of the characters, and the author is wasting my time going into great detail about stuff I have no reason to care about because, again, I don’t care about any of the characters and barely know anything real about them.
Finally Faraday is allowed to actually do something, as she leans over to another young woman she’s apparently just made friends with. Said friend apparently caught her interest because she’s attractive, and no this isn’t a clue that Faraday’s a closet lesbian. She just randomly makes note of other women’s pretty hair and eyes and
such. I know I do that all the time, but no homo! I like the dudes!
Wait, no I don’t. Never mind.
Anyhoo, so her friend, Devera, warns her that guys might try to take advantage of her and Faraday piously answers that nobody would do that because it goes against the teachings of Artor. We then get a mid-scene POV jump, which is another no-no, so we can listen to Devera think about how Faraday is way too religious.
She points Jayme out to Faraday, and we jump back to her POV again for a quick description. Apparently the author hasn’t learned her lesson about Telling when it comes to characters traits, because Jayme has an “intelligent face”. If you think he’s actually going to be shown acting intelligently at any point, you haven’t read enough bad fantasy novels.
Here's another writing tip for you: try to avoid telling the reader a character is intelligent in narration (if another character is thinking it, that's fine. Characters can be wrong). Your characters can only be as intelligent as you are, so if like, say, Stephenie Meyer you insist a character is smart while the reader thinks they’re acting like an
idiot, you just outed yourself as equally dumb because now everybody knows what your standard for “smart” is and it’s not high. Or to put it another way, if you think Bella Swan is an intelligent person, you’re probably as moronic as she is.
Devera gives Faraday a short lesson in court politics which isn’t terribly interesting, and they both make fun of the King’s Afro. Devera explains that the King and Queen have no children because the Queen keeps having miscarriages and by now is probably too old. Even though it’s specifically stated here that if a noble wife can’t have
kids she’s useless, the King apparently didn’t think this was grounds for divorce. But as he doesn’t have any sons, that leaves the eeeevil Borneheld as next in line for the throne. We now get to see Borneheld at last: he’s a big muscular guy with a crew cut. Apparently his mother was Priam’s sister, Rivkah.
So apparently we somehow ended up with immediate siblings named Priam and Rivkah. Does anyone see anything wrong with this picture? Because I do. Aside from the fact that neither name remotely fits the setting, “Rivkah” sounds like an Indian goddess of phoney pain medication made out of dried tiger scrotums.
Anyway, enough of that! It’s time to meet our other primary protagonist! Faraday spots a guy hanging around in the banquet hall. Since he’s a Good Guy, the book follows its usual characterisation shortcuts by waxing lyrical about how gracefully he walks and what his hair and eyes look like and how the hair is styled and how ‘striking’ he is, and so on. He’s also about ten years older than Faraday and has an “alien cast” to his features. Hey, just like Eragon did after being bonded to Saphira for a few months. And as it was in that book, it won’t be explained how he looks alien. He just does, okay?
If only.
Wait, I think I'm on to something.
On top of being (allegedly) smart, witty and born into privilege, Faraday is also beautiful, something else the author goes into detail about. Somehow I’m not finding her at all interesting or relateable.
Can anyone guess why? If not, then I’ll tell you why. It’s because traits like being beautiful and smart on the basis of no evidence are not sympathetic. We sympathise with characters because we can relate to their problems and their personal goals. So far we don’t know anything about Faraday’s problems or her aspirations (unfortunately this is in part because she doesn’t have any). All we know is that she’s a brunette with “fine bone structure” and that she’s supposedly intelligent. Not only is this not sympathetic, but it’s not interesting either. It’s boring. I’m bored. Nothing is happening, I can’t connect with any of the characters, and the author is wasting my time going into great detail about stuff I have no reason to care about because, again, I don’t care about any of the characters and barely know anything real about them.
Finally Faraday is allowed to actually do something, as she leans over to another young woman she’s apparently just made friends with. Said friend apparently caught her interest because she’s attractive, and no this isn’t a clue that Faraday’s a closet lesbian. She just randomly makes note of other women’s pretty hair and eyes and
such. I know I do that all the time, but no homo! I like the dudes!
Wait, no I don’t. Never mind.
Anyhoo, so her friend, Devera, warns her that guys might try to take advantage of her and Faraday piously answers that nobody would do that because it goes against the teachings of Artor. We then get a mid-scene POV jump, which is another no-no, so we can listen to Devera think about how Faraday is way too religious.
She points Jayme out to Faraday, and we jump back to her POV again for a quick description. Apparently the author hasn’t learned her lesson about Telling when it comes to characters traits, because Jayme has an “intelligent face”. If you think he’s actually going to be shown acting intelligently at any point, you haven’t read enough bad fantasy novels.
Here's another writing tip for you: try to avoid telling the reader a character is intelligent in narration (if another character is thinking it, that's fine. Characters can be wrong). Your characters can only be as intelligent as you are, so if like, say, Stephenie Meyer you insist a character is smart while the reader thinks they’re acting like an
idiot, you just outed yourself as equally dumb because now everybody knows what your standard for “smart” is and it’s not high. Or to put it another way, if you think Bella Swan is an intelligent person, you’re probably as moronic as she is.
Devera gives Faraday a short lesson in court politics which isn’t terribly interesting, and they both make fun of the King’s Afro. Devera explains that the King and Queen have no children because the Queen keeps having miscarriages and by now is probably too old. Even though it’s specifically stated here that if a noble wife can’t have
kids she’s useless, the King apparently didn’t think this was grounds for divorce. But as he doesn’t have any sons, that leaves the eeeevil Borneheld as next in line for the throne. We now get to see Borneheld at last: he’s a big muscular guy with a crew cut. Apparently his mother was Priam’s sister, Rivkah.
So apparently we somehow ended up with immediate siblings named Priam and Rivkah. Does anyone see anything wrong with this picture? Because I do. Aside from the fact that neither name remotely fits the setting, “Rivkah” sounds like an Indian goddess of phoney pain medication made out of dried tiger scrotums.
Anyway, enough of that! It’s time to meet our other primary protagonist! Faraday spots a guy hanging around in the banquet hall. Since he’s a Good Guy, the book follows its usual characterisation shortcuts by waxing lyrical about how gracefully he walks and what his hair and eyes look like and how the hair is styled and how ‘striking’ he is, and so on. He’s also about ten years older than Faraday and has an “alien cast” to his features. Hey, just like Eragon did after being bonded to Saphira for a few months. And as it was in that book, it won’t be explained how he looks alien. He just does, okay?
If only.
Naturally the author follows on from describing his looks in great detail to describing his clothes in equally great detail, in classic Suethor style. None of it bears repeating other than that he’s wearing some sort of military uniform.
Devera sees Faraday drooling and sagely notes that this is how everyone reacts to seeing the BattleAxe. Great, now I’m picturing an axe on legs wandering around.
Devera sees Faraday drooling and sagely notes that this is how everyone reacts to seeing the BattleAxe. Great, now I’m picturing an axe on legs wandering around.
Wait, I think I'm on to something.
I’m afraid this guy is Axis, our hero. And yes, that really is his name. It’s just as well highschool doesn’t exist in this setting or he would have had the living shit bullied out of him. What did the author do, pick these names out of a dictionary? We’re here informed that Axis is the leader of the “legendary” Axe-Wielders. Why are they
legendary? I don’t know. They just are.
Faraday is instantly smitten, but Devera explains that Axis is off the menu because he’s Borneheld’s illegitimate half brother. She tells the scandalous story: Rivkah was married off to Borneheld’s father when she was younger than Faraday’s eighteen years. When Borneheld was a year old, his dad left her on her own at some fort or
other and came back to find her eight months pregnant… and nobody knew who the father was. GASP! She refused to tell her furious husband anything, and then supposedly died in childbirth. But we all know she didn’t, because she’s obviously the same woman we saw in the prologue who’d been dumped in the wilderness for having an illegitimate son. Nice try, author. Also, we here have confirmation that the woman we saw in the prologue is indeed a fucking teenager, which just makes it even more distasteful when we learn the full details of how she got pregnant with Axis later on.
Anyway, so the kid was taken in by Jayme, who intended to raise him to be a monk, but he turned out to be way better with weapons. How he managed to get training at a noble household for “several years” goes unexplained, and Jayme ultimately insisted on appointing him BattleAxe.
We now cut to Axis’ POV. He notices Faraday staring at him, and also notices the “tension” among the royal family as he approaches and addresses the King. Despite the fact that he’s a bastard and knows full-well that he’s neither liked or wanted among the royal family, he is openly snotty and rude to the King (the frickin’ KING). This is then interrupted by an infodump about how he’s sent some of his guys to some other place to deal with “summer raiders” and how he then travelled to the capital urgently but isn’t sure why, blah blah. Couldn’t this have been gotten across with a couple of lines of dialogue? He continues to subtly antagonise the King purely because he can, and notices Bornheld angrily squeezing his cup. The author tells us that there is “nothing but bitter emnity between the two brothers”. Apparently this also couldn’t be shown rather than told.
Axis continues to be an unlikable jackass as he thinks about how the King’s Afro makes him look “effeminate and ineffectual”. This could be chalked up to a flaw on Axis’ part, but as we’ll see later on the narrative agrees with him about how Priam is a total weenie, so maybe not. (Also, being effeminate is Bad and makes you a weak person. Feminist book my ass).
Finally he asks permission for a private chat with Jayme, then leaves, so I’m not sure whose POV we’re supposed to be with when Borneheld leans over to the King and gripes about why Axis was recalled to the capital. Even MORE telling ensues as we’re tediously lectured about how Borneheld is the commander of the royal army and hates Axis and wants the Axe Wielders to be disbanded and added to his own troops and how he’s jealous because the Axe-Wielders are fiercely loyal to Axis for reasons that will never be explained and he wishes he had that sort of loyalty from his own men. He also hates Axis for being more handsome than himself and for having supposedly killed their mother, and hopes to get an excuse to kick his ass in combat one day. There, I just summed up several monster paragraphs in a few sentences. Borneheld finishes the infodump by accidentally bending the stem of his wine goblet thanks to squeezing it too hard, and he and Axis exchange angry looks.
I honestly don’t think there’s a worse or less interesting way to handle characterisation. It’s all TELLING! Nothing is happening! Nobody’s doing anything! It’s just the author tediously explaining things in flat narration for pages and pages! ARGH! Now I know why I don’t remember this part of the book all that well.
I’m gonna start skipping the details until something interesting happens. I wouldn’t want you guys to get bored too.
Axis talks to Jayme, and the author tells us Axis has “charm”. Not buying it; the guy can’t even exercise basic good manners when talking to the fucking KING. Then Axis leaves, supposedly for fear of annoying people.
Too late.
Yes, I'm afraid this really is our main hero.
33 comments
[1]
snarkbotanya
January 6 2018, 11:37:15
A brother and sister... named Priam and Revkah. I share your bafflement, Epistler. The naming in this book comes off to me as entirely random; I can't help but think that Sara Douglass just threw in whatever she thought sounded "fantasy" without consistency ever crossing her mind.
And of course Axis is related to the royal family and fucking StarDeadbeat... and thus to the BBEG too. Of fucking course.
Regarding Faraday, I almost kind of wonder if Douglass was trying to make her seem intelligent by giving her that name and hoping the association with the scientist would be some fun symbolism or whatever. If so, that was probably an even worse way to convey intelligence than the "intelligent eyes."
[1A]
theepistler
January 6 2018, 16:43:11
The naming in this book comes off to me as entirely random
It really is. It's like she never even stopped to consider the fact that all these people are supposed to come from the same damn culture. And I'm afraid it's only going to get worse.
And of course Axis is related to the royal family and fucking StarDeadbeat... and thus to the BBEG too. Of fucking course.
Sue Trait 0#: All the Sue's relatives are Special. PS: StarDeadbeat is also royalty....
(Please try not to break anything).
[1A1]
snarkbotanya
January 6 2018, 18:23:43
PS: StarDeadbeat is also royalty....
Of fucking course he is.
[1A1A]
theepistler
January 6 2018, 18:43:12
Which just makes it even MORE insane that he's so cavalier about going around fucking every woman in a ten mile radius.
[1A1A1]
January 7 2018, 10:30:50
snarkbotanya (from 66.212.64.182)
I dunno, some royals did go full Zeus IIRC.
[1A2]
lady_licht
January 6 2018, 21:02:48
It really is. It's like she never even stopped to consider the fact that all these people are supposed to come from the same damn culture.
Their greatest source of pride is that they are able to name all their children as if they weren't part of the same culture. ;) (That could even be part of some interesting world building, thinking about it.)
[1A2A]
theepistler (from 209.58.135.74)
January 6 2018, 21:04:12
See, that could be great! It could be interesting world-building and would make these people feel more real. Instead it's just never explained at all.
[1A2A1]
lady_licht (from 217.246.15.102)
January 6 2018, 23:01:42
Likely because there is no explanation. Here this is not part of world-building. Instead it is merely a necesssity. "Characters need names and here are names I can come up with. Done." It's fascinating how many authors just overlook how meaningful and how great a tool for world-buidling and conveying meaning names can be. Why is this so easily overlooked?
[1A2A1A]
theepistler
January 7 2018, 12:33:10
Yeah, you're almost certainly right. That's how I used to name my characters when I was a teenager - I'd write down interesting words that might work as names, then put them in there even if they didn't fit the setting, and there was no more thought put into it than that. Some people never get past that stage.
[1A2A1A1]
lady_licht
January 25 2018, 08:46:30
Very true. I used English words as names when I was younger, because, as we all know, noone understands English anyway and it's kind of cool. ;D
[2]
torylltales
January 6 2018, 12:04:58
Starting a fantasy novel with pages upon pages of exposition and description is SO exciting.
[2A]
theepistler
January 7 2018, 12:33:57 Edited: January 7 2018, 12:35:00
Yeah, this is really riveting stuff you guys. I'm having a blast. And by that I mean I keep muttering "when is this blasted book going to get to the point already?"
[3]
cmdrnemo
January 6 2018, 13:23:42
For a moment I misread Carlon as Carlton. Which immediately brought this to mind:
Faraday is a perfectly good name for a character. The first thing it brought to my mind was the Faraday Cage. Which implies the character completely blocks any information from outside her own head. Typical fantasy protagonist material there.
That is a fantastic Axe Sue. I love that you gave it a sword.
[3A]
theepistler
January 6 2018, 16:39:53
For a moment I misread Carlon as Carlton.
It made me think of this. :-p
Gad, I could really go for a nice cold Carlton Draught right now. It's hotter than... a very hot thing which is hot over here.
That is a fantastic Axe Sue. I love that you gave it a sword.
:-D I actually tried to find a picture of an axe with legs, and to my complete amazement for once Google didn't have anything. But the a picture of Axe Body Spray popped up and I had an idea. I figure if AnyaBot can do funny computer art, so can I!
[3A1]
cmdrnemo
January 6 2018, 17:35:40
Tom Jones, dancing, and cold beer, that's a legit capital city. All we need to do is get flight engineer Ted Averall a nice refreshing cigarette and tape some aluminum foil to cardboard. It still lacks dignity. But, at least it's fun. This is going to be an entire series about axes and craziness. Yet it is never going to go anywhere fun with it.
It will not be axecellent. At least the y-Axis will be labelled "chosen one." Also y-Axis? is the sort of clever name mocking I really should have thought of for the first part of this spork. Oh well.
[3A1A]
theepistler
January 6 2018, 18:14:47
*gigglesnort*
I love this comm.
[4]
vorpal_tongue
January 6 2018, 20:49:27
Buggering hell. Everyone looks intelligent, the king has an afro, the main Hero has a wierd name, and there's no evil babies or exploding heads.
The most this does is make me feel a little better about my own (kinda shit) worldbuilding efforts.
I think the one thing that irks me the most is the "Looks intelligent" thing. People don't look intelligent to me. They look like people, maybe kind or horrible to the eyes, but beyond that not much else, barring emotions.
I, uh, also forgot about the second woman in the first chapter. The one that wasn't chest/wombbursted to death. Because fuck 'er.
[4A]
theepistler
January 6 2018, 21:49:24
...and there's no evil babies or exploding heads.
Patience, my preeecioussss. Patiencessss.
People don't look intelligent to me. They look like people,
Exactly. Do hack authors like Douglass and Goodkind actually stop to ask themselves how that even works and whether they've ever looked at someone and somehow "seen" their IQ like it was written on their forehead? When we look at people we don't "see" their intelligence. We see the physical stuff like how attractive or ugly they are, how they're dressed, the way they walk - that sort of thing. The closest you can get to "seeing" someone is intelligent is if you come across someone dressed like a scientist or a doctor, which generally makes us assume the person in question is smart and well-educated. Which even then is mostly just prejudice, because any idiot can put on a lab coat. (Hell, I wore one once. It looked very fetching on me. Didn't magically make me any smarter, though. I was just there to clean the test tubes).
[4A1]
Anonymous
January 7 2018, 05:49:10
*like, very smart.
Your sporks are a beacon of humor in these dumb-times.
Send help and booze.
Sincerely,
An American.
[4A1A]
theepistler
January 7 2018, 12:41:00 Edited: January 7 2018, 12:41:25
Glad I can do my part to help! It really does feel like society is getting dumber sometimes. We're up to our eyeballs in anti-vaxxers, flat earthers, climate change deniers and other idiots, and any time you call them out for promoting bullshit they freak OUT and start waving their "freedom of speech" at you. Last time I tried it - very politely, might I add - I was promptly called "arrogant" and accused of not being nice. Because it's so very important to be nice when you see someone promoting dangerous lies. If you're not nice, people might be upset! And we can't have that, now can we?
I've got vodka, port and Jim Beam - take your pick!
[4B]
thegharialguy
January 7 2018, 14:04:06 Edited: January 7 2018, 14:06:17
I disagree there. People can certainly look stupid, so the reverse should logically be true too. Especially if they wear glasses. Of course this doesn't mean someone actually is intelligent or stupid just because they look it. In the same way people can look kind or cruel, but be the complete opposite. That being said, it's still a piss poor word to describe someone, as I mention below. You can get a better sense of the person by describing the traits that make them look intelligent. Ie, describing them as confident and comfortable. Or if we're sticking to just the eyes, say they're inquisitive or dart around a lot, scanning anything of interest they see.
[4B1]
cmdrnemo (from 64.180.77.89)
January 7 2018, 16:44:16
I always thought it was closer to confidence. That way people who are either clever, experienced, or simply that self assured can walk into a room completely convinced that they understand everything that is going on and can contribute meaningfully to any situation. Sizing up the room, everyone and everything in it, in a heart beat.
I'm not saying confidence is the same thing as intelligence. But, it can look a lot like it.
[4B2]
vorpal_tongue
January 8 2018, 23:25:08
I'll certainly concede to that last bit there, that's something that actually makes sense. But I stand by what I said. Maybe because I'm a bit misanthropic.
Or if we're sticking to just the eyes, say they're inquisitive or dart around a lot, scanning anything of interest they see.
This. It's always what a person does that gives them the flavour of Character. I find some of the best openings of a character tends to involve what they do (along with a general appearance) before they open their mouths.
[4B2A]
Anonymous
January 9 2018, 01:22:41
People can also infer the what a person does most of the time by their appearance. If a person is engaged in scholarly pursuits, there is a certain look to them vs a person who involves mostly in manual labour.
Of course, scholarly pursuits != intelligence
-TTT
[4B2A1]
Anonymous
January 9 2018, 01:25:19
and vice versa
-TTT
[5]
thegharialguy
January 7 2018, 13:20:07 Edited: January 7 2018, 13:27:59
I feel like a lot of the time when characters are described as intelligent, the author hasn't put any thought into what that actually means. It's just an obvious positive trait that we all want to have so this obviously positve character must have it. But intelligence is a very wide umbrella term for a lot of very different things. It can mean they're book smart or studious. Could refer to being sensible (or stree smarts). Could just as equally mean emotional intelligence. Hell it could even be construed as pragmatic. These are overlapping, but still incredibly different traits that a character might possess. Not only is it lazy to tell the reader someone is intelligent, it's actually quite meaningless. It's like describing a characters as great. It doesn't actually paint a picture of who they are without context (and if you have the context, there's no reason to outright say it).
[5A]
theepistler
January 7 2018, 13:50:04
Yeah, I'd say you're right. It's exactly what any teenage Suethor does when introducing the self-insert Sue on the first page. Description of sexy clothes, description of perfect bod, description of hair, and finally the Suethor rattles of a list of personality traits she wants us to think Mary Sue has, one of which is always that's she's, like, super smart (and talented in everything the Suethor wishes she was also talented in). It really is just a meaningless buzzword.
I never specify that any of my characters are smart. The closest I come is occasionally have one of them think someone else is intelligent or cunning, which is different because then it's just that person's opinion rather than me drawing on my Voice of God power to tell the reader It Is So.
[6]
baaar (from 72.160.12.246)
January 10 2018, 18:47:10
We then get a mid-scene POV jump, which is another no-no, so we can listen to Devera think about how Faraday is way too religious.
I’m guilty of mid-scene POV jumps in my own work, but they have to be done well if you’re going to use them. It has to make sense for the chapter and has to flow well above all things. If it doesn’t flow when you change POV, it needs to be a new chapter. It sounds like Douglass was just randomly head hopping for the hell of it, which is annoying.
I also seriously side-eye the whole ‘effeminate men are weak men’ angle. That’s just bullshit.
This book sounds like such trash. I’m really questioning why it was as successful as it was.
[6A]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 18:54:44
Mid-scene POV jumps are extremely hard to pull off well. Douglass doesn't come anywhere close. The POV jumps happen completely at random and not only are they pointless but they frequently either ruin the suspense, spoonfeed us information we don't need, or repeat shit we already know.
And the writing style never changes to reflect who's thinking. Everyone has the exact same "mental voice". Which just makes it even more confusing and obnoxious to read.
[6A1]
baaar
January 10 2018, 19:04:16
Yeah, it sounds like she just ass-pulls the POV switches. Even in third person, the voice needs to reflect the switch. What’s the point if every character sounds exactly the same? If you can’t distinguish between them, it would be better to just have it written from one of their perspectives so it doesn’t break the flow and you don’t have to worry about crafting a distinguished voice for all these characters who (I’m guessing) really aren’t that important in the long run.
[6A1A]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 19:55:26
...who (I’m guessing) really aren’t that important in the long run.
Yeah, she gives random POVs to freaking everybody, even if they're just a one-scene nobody. It's so unnecessary. I'm pretty sure Devera will never appear again.
[6A1A1]
baaar
January 10 2018, 21:33:43
Why give a POV to someone who doesn’t have any impact on the story or even any of the other characters? Come on.
[6A1A1A]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 21:36:04
Well actually the answer to that is quite simple. For you see - oh, excuse me, I'm needed in the basement!
legendary? I don’t know. They just are.
Faraday is instantly smitten, but Devera explains that Axis is off the menu because he’s Borneheld’s illegitimate half brother. She tells the scandalous story: Rivkah was married off to Borneheld’s father when she was younger than Faraday’s eighteen years. When Borneheld was a year old, his dad left her on her own at some fort or
other and came back to find her eight months pregnant… and nobody knew who the father was. GASP! She refused to tell her furious husband anything, and then supposedly died in childbirth. But we all know she didn’t, because she’s obviously the same woman we saw in the prologue who’d been dumped in the wilderness for having an illegitimate son. Nice try, author. Also, we here have confirmation that the woman we saw in the prologue is indeed a fucking teenager, which just makes it even more distasteful when we learn the full details of how she got pregnant with Axis later on.
Anyway, so the kid was taken in by Jayme, who intended to raise him to be a monk, but he turned out to be way better with weapons. How he managed to get training at a noble household for “several years” goes unexplained, and Jayme ultimately insisted on appointing him BattleAxe.
We now cut to Axis’ POV. He notices Faraday staring at him, and also notices the “tension” among the royal family as he approaches and addresses the King. Despite the fact that he’s a bastard and knows full-well that he’s neither liked or wanted among the royal family, he is openly snotty and rude to the King (the frickin’ KING). This is then interrupted by an infodump about how he’s sent some of his guys to some other place to deal with “summer raiders” and how he then travelled to the capital urgently but isn’t sure why, blah blah. Couldn’t this have been gotten across with a couple of lines of dialogue? He continues to subtly antagonise the King purely because he can, and notices Bornheld angrily squeezing his cup. The author tells us that there is “nothing but bitter emnity between the two brothers”. Apparently this also couldn’t be shown rather than told.
Axis continues to be an unlikable jackass as he thinks about how the King’s Afro makes him look “effeminate and ineffectual”. This could be chalked up to a flaw on Axis’ part, but as we’ll see later on the narrative agrees with him about how Priam is a total weenie, so maybe not. (Also, being effeminate is Bad and makes you a weak person. Feminist book my ass).
Finally he asks permission for a private chat with Jayme, then leaves, so I’m not sure whose POV we’re supposed to be with when Borneheld leans over to the King and gripes about why Axis was recalled to the capital. Even MORE telling ensues as we’re tediously lectured about how Borneheld is the commander of the royal army and hates Axis and wants the Axe Wielders to be disbanded and added to his own troops and how he’s jealous because the Axe-Wielders are fiercely loyal to Axis for reasons that will never be explained and he wishes he had that sort of loyalty from his own men. He also hates Axis for being more handsome than himself and for having supposedly killed their mother, and hopes to get an excuse to kick his ass in combat one day. There, I just summed up several monster paragraphs in a few sentences. Borneheld finishes the infodump by accidentally bending the stem of his wine goblet thanks to squeezing it too hard, and he and Axis exchange angry looks.
I honestly don’t think there’s a worse or less interesting way to handle characterisation. It’s all TELLING! Nothing is happening! Nobody’s doing anything! It’s just the author tediously explaining things in flat narration for pages and pages! ARGH! Now I know why I don’t remember this part of the book all that well.
I’m gonna start skipping the details until something interesting happens. I wouldn’t want you guys to get bored too.
Axis talks to Jayme, and the author tells us Axis has “charm”. Not buying it; the guy can’t even exercise basic good manners when talking to the fucking KING. Then Axis leaves, supposedly for fear of annoying people.
Too late.
Yes, I'm afraid this really is our main hero.
33 comments
[1]
snarkbotanya
January 6 2018, 11:37:15
A brother and sister... named Priam and Revkah. I share your bafflement, Epistler. The naming in this book comes off to me as entirely random; I can't help but think that Sara Douglass just threw in whatever she thought sounded "fantasy" without consistency ever crossing her mind.
And of course Axis is related to the royal family and fucking StarDeadbeat... and thus to the BBEG too. Of fucking course.
Regarding Faraday, I almost kind of wonder if Douglass was trying to make her seem intelligent by giving her that name and hoping the association with the scientist would be some fun symbolism or whatever. If so, that was probably an even worse way to convey intelligence than the "intelligent eyes."
[1A]
theepistler
January 6 2018, 16:43:11
The naming in this book comes off to me as entirely random
It really is. It's like she never even stopped to consider the fact that all these people are supposed to come from the same damn culture. And I'm afraid it's only going to get worse.
And of course Axis is related to the royal family and fucking StarDeadbeat... and thus to the BBEG too. Of fucking course.
Sue Trait 0#: All the Sue's relatives are Special. PS: StarDeadbeat is also royalty....
(Please try not to break anything).
[1A1]
snarkbotanya
January 6 2018, 18:23:43
PS: StarDeadbeat is also royalty....
Of fucking course he is.
[1A1A]
theepistler
January 6 2018, 18:43:12
Which just makes it even MORE insane that he's so cavalier about going around fucking every woman in a ten mile radius.
[1A1A1]
January 7 2018, 10:30:50
snarkbotanya (from 66.212.64.182)
I dunno, some royals did go full Zeus IIRC.
[1A2]
lady_licht
January 6 2018, 21:02:48
It really is. It's like she never even stopped to consider the fact that all these people are supposed to come from the same damn culture.
Their greatest source of pride is that they are able to name all their children as if they weren't part of the same culture. ;) (That could even be part of some interesting world building, thinking about it.)
[1A2A]
theepistler (from 209.58.135.74)
January 6 2018, 21:04:12
See, that could be great! It could be interesting world-building and would make these people feel more real. Instead it's just never explained at all.
[1A2A1]
lady_licht (from 217.246.15.102)
January 6 2018, 23:01:42
Likely because there is no explanation. Here this is not part of world-building. Instead it is merely a necesssity. "Characters need names and here are names I can come up with. Done." It's fascinating how many authors just overlook how meaningful and how great a tool for world-buidling and conveying meaning names can be. Why is this so easily overlooked?
[1A2A1A]
theepistler
January 7 2018, 12:33:10
Yeah, you're almost certainly right. That's how I used to name my characters when I was a teenager - I'd write down interesting words that might work as names, then put them in there even if they didn't fit the setting, and there was no more thought put into it than that. Some people never get past that stage.
[1A2A1A1]
lady_licht
January 25 2018, 08:46:30
Very true. I used English words as names when I was younger, because, as we all know, noone understands English anyway and it's kind of cool. ;D
[2]
torylltales
January 6 2018, 12:04:58
Starting a fantasy novel with pages upon pages of exposition and description is SO exciting.
[2A]
theepistler
January 7 2018, 12:33:57 Edited: January 7 2018, 12:35:00
Yeah, this is really riveting stuff you guys. I'm having a blast. And by that I mean I keep muttering "when is this blasted book going to get to the point already?"
[3]
cmdrnemo
January 6 2018, 13:23:42
For a moment I misread Carlon as Carlton. Which immediately brought this to mind:
Faraday is a perfectly good name for a character. The first thing it brought to my mind was the Faraday Cage. Which implies the character completely blocks any information from outside her own head. Typical fantasy protagonist material there.
That is a fantastic Axe Sue. I love that you gave it a sword.
[3A]
theepistler
January 6 2018, 16:39:53
For a moment I misread Carlon as Carlton.
It made me think of this. :-p
Gad, I could really go for a nice cold Carlton Draught right now. It's hotter than... a very hot thing which is hot over here.
That is a fantastic Axe Sue. I love that you gave it a sword.
:-D I actually tried to find a picture of an axe with legs, and to my complete amazement for once Google didn't have anything. But the a picture of Axe Body Spray popped up and I had an idea. I figure if AnyaBot can do funny computer art, so can I!
[3A1]
cmdrnemo
January 6 2018, 17:35:40
Tom Jones, dancing, and cold beer, that's a legit capital city. All we need to do is get flight engineer Ted Averall a nice refreshing cigarette and tape some aluminum foil to cardboard. It still lacks dignity. But, at least it's fun. This is going to be an entire series about axes and craziness. Yet it is never going to go anywhere fun with it.
It will not be axecellent. At least the y-Axis will be labelled "chosen one." Also y-Axis? is the sort of clever name mocking I really should have thought of for the first part of this spork. Oh well.
[3A1A]
theepistler
January 6 2018, 18:14:47
*gigglesnort*
I love this comm.
[4]
vorpal_tongue
January 6 2018, 20:49:27
Buggering hell. Everyone looks intelligent, the king has an afro, the main Hero has a wierd name, and there's no evil babies or exploding heads.
The most this does is make me feel a little better about my own (kinda shit) worldbuilding efforts.
I think the one thing that irks me the most is the "Looks intelligent" thing. People don't look intelligent to me. They look like people, maybe kind or horrible to the eyes, but beyond that not much else, barring emotions.
I, uh, also forgot about the second woman in the first chapter. The one that wasn't chest/wombbursted to death. Because fuck 'er.
[4A]
theepistler
January 6 2018, 21:49:24
...and there's no evil babies or exploding heads.
Patience, my preeecioussss. Patiencessss.
People don't look intelligent to me. They look like people,
Exactly. Do hack authors like Douglass and Goodkind actually stop to ask themselves how that even works and whether they've ever looked at someone and somehow "seen" their IQ like it was written on their forehead? When we look at people we don't "see" their intelligence. We see the physical stuff like how attractive or ugly they are, how they're dressed, the way they walk - that sort of thing. The closest you can get to "seeing" someone is intelligent is if you come across someone dressed like a scientist or a doctor, which generally makes us assume the person in question is smart and well-educated. Which even then is mostly just prejudice, because any idiot can put on a lab coat. (Hell, I wore one once. It looked very fetching on me. Didn't magically make me any smarter, though. I was just there to clean the test tubes).
[4A1]
Anonymous
January 7 2018, 05:49:10
*like, very smart.
Your sporks are a beacon of humor in these dumb-times.
Send help and booze.
Sincerely,
An American.
[4A1A]
theepistler
January 7 2018, 12:41:00 Edited: January 7 2018, 12:41:25
Glad I can do my part to help! It really does feel like society is getting dumber sometimes. We're up to our eyeballs in anti-vaxxers, flat earthers, climate change deniers and other idiots, and any time you call them out for promoting bullshit they freak OUT and start waving their "freedom of speech" at you. Last time I tried it - very politely, might I add - I was promptly called "arrogant" and accused of not being nice. Because it's so very important to be nice when you see someone promoting dangerous lies. If you're not nice, people might be upset! And we can't have that, now can we?
I've got vodka, port and Jim Beam - take your pick!
[4B]
thegharialguy
January 7 2018, 14:04:06 Edited: January 7 2018, 14:06:17
I disagree there. People can certainly look stupid, so the reverse should logically be true too. Especially if they wear glasses. Of course this doesn't mean someone actually is intelligent or stupid just because they look it. In the same way people can look kind or cruel, but be the complete opposite. That being said, it's still a piss poor word to describe someone, as I mention below. You can get a better sense of the person by describing the traits that make them look intelligent. Ie, describing them as confident and comfortable. Or if we're sticking to just the eyes, say they're inquisitive or dart around a lot, scanning anything of interest they see.
[4B1]
cmdrnemo (from 64.180.77.89)
January 7 2018, 16:44:16
I always thought it was closer to confidence. That way people who are either clever, experienced, or simply that self assured can walk into a room completely convinced that they understand everything that is going on and can contribute meaningfully to any situation. Sizing up the room, everyone and everything in it, in a heart beat.
I'm not saying confidence is the same thing as intelligence. But, it can look a lot like it.
[4B2]
vorpal_tongue
January 8 2018, 23:25:08
I'll certainly concede to that last bit there, that's something that actually makes sense. But I stand by what I said. Maybe because I'm a bit misanthropic.
Or if we're sticking to just the eyes, say they're inquisitive or dart around a lot, scanning anything of interest they see.
This. It's always what a person does that gives them the flavour of Character. I find some of the best openings of a character tends to involve what they do (along with a general appearance) before they open their mouths.
[4B2A]
Anonymous
January 9 2018, 01:22:41
People can also infer the what a person does most of the time by their appearance. If a person is engaged in scholarly pursuits, there is a certain look to them vs a person who involves mostly in manual labour.
Of course, scholarly pursuits != intelligence
-TTT
[4B2A1]
Anonymous
January 9 2018, 01:25:19
and vice versa
-TTT
[5]
thegharialguy
January 7 2018, 13:20:07 Edited: January 7 2018, 13:27:59
I feel like a lot of the time when characters are described as intelligent, the author hasn't put any thought into what that actually means. It's just an obvious positive trait that we all want to have so this obviously positve character must have it. But intelligence is a very wide umbrella term for a lot of very different things. It can mean they're book smart or studious. Could refer to being sensible (or stree smarts). Could just as equally mean emotional intelligence. Hell it could even be construed as pragmatic. These are overlapping, but still incredibly different traits that a character might possess. Not only is it lazy to tell the reader someone is intelligent, it's actually quite meaningless. It's like describing a characters as great. It doesn't actually paint a picture of who they are without context (and if you have the context, there's no reason to outright say it).
[5A]
theepistler
January 7 2018, 13:50:04
Yeah, I'd say you're right. It's exactly what any teenage Suethor does when introducing the self-insert Sue on the first page. Description of sexy clothes, description of perfect bod, description of hair, and finally the Suethor rattles of a list of personality traits she wants us to think Mary Sue has, one of which is always that's she's, like, super smart (and talented in everything the Suethor wishes she was also talented in). It really is just a meaningless buzzword.
I never specify that any of my characters are smart. The closest I come is occasionally have one of them think someone else is intelligent or cunning, which is different because then it's just that person's opinion rather than me drawing on my Voice of God power to tell the reader It Is So.
[6]
baaar (from 72.160.12.246)
January 10 2018, 18:47:10
We then get a mid-scene POV jump, which is another no-no, so we can listen to Devera think about how Faraday is way too religious.
I’m guilty of mid-scene POV jumps in my own work, but they have to be done well if you’re going to use them. It has to make sense for the chapter and has to flow well above all things. If it doesn’t flow when you change POV, it needs to be a new chapter. It sounds like Douglass was just randomly head hopping for the hell of it, which is annoying.
I also seriously side-eye the whole ‘effeminate men are weak men’ angle. That’s just bullshit.
This book sounds like such trash. I’m really questioning why it was as successful as it was.
[6A]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 18:54:44
Mid-scene POV jumps are extremely hard to pull off well. Douglass doesn't come anywhere close. The POV jumps happen completely at random and not only are they pointless but they frequently either ruin the suspense, spoonfeed us information we don't need, or repeat shit we already know.
And the writing style never changes to reflect who's thinking. Everyone has the exact same "mental voice". Which just makes it even more confusing and obnoxious to read.
[6A1]
baaar
January 10 2018, 19:04:16
Yeah, it sounds like she just ass-pulls the POV switches. Even in third person, the voice needs to reflect the switch. What’s the point if every character sounds exactly the same? If you can’t distinguish between them, it would be better to just have it written from one of their perspectives so it doesn’t break the flow and you don’t have to worry about crafting a distinguished voice for all these characters who (I’m guessing) really aren’t that important in the long run.
[6A1A]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 19:55:26
...who (I’m guessing) really aren’t that important in the long run.
Yeah, she gives random POVs to freaking everybody, even if they're just a one-scene nobody. It's so unnecessary. I'm pretty sure Devera will never appear again.
[6A1A1]
baaar
January 10 2018, 21:33:43
Why give a POV to someone who doesn’t have any impact on the story or even any of the other characters? Come on.
[6A1A1A]
theepistler
January 10 2018, 21:36:04
Well actually the answer to that is quite simple. For you see - oh, excuse me, I'm needed in the basement!