BattleAxe Sporking: Part Seven
Mar. 5th, 2024 06:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pangolin20 posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
as_sporkive
theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-01-20 23:51:00
MOOD:
cheerfulMUSIC: Fun - Carry On
BattleAxe Sporking: Part Seven
Axis wakes up the next morning and finds Ogden and Veremund have packed their bags and have decided to come with him. Typically, Axis bitches about this, thinking “not only women but doddery aged brothers as well? This was too much”. So I guess we can add ageism to his now well established sexism.
Again, are we actually supposed to like this guy? I note that he doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by the idea of leaving these two apparently defenseless old men in the middle of a forest that eats people. No concern at all.
In any case the two of them won’t take no for an answer and say that they’re coming so they can save time by giving him more information along the way. Axis throws a sulk about this, mature as always, and goes outside. He tries sticking his hands in the shiny golden water – great idea, numbnuts. So far this forest has shown it’s capable of dragging a guy off his horse and swallowing him alive, but you think nothing of sticking your hands in obviously enchanted water.
Sadly this does not result in Axis being turned inside-out. Instead he discovers that the magic water doesn’t make his hands wet. He thinks nothing more about it and goes back inside to find the brothers having a confrontation with Gilbert, who they apparently caught trying to set the keep on fire. Axis is pissed, but Gilbert keeps protesting that the books in the keep are eeeevil and must be destroyed. Axis tells him that’s for Jayme to decide, so shut up, and Gilbert vows to report him for listening to the two brothers and their evil corrupt books. Meanwhile yet another future plot point is needlessly given away ahead of time as the umpteenth stupid unprofessional POV switch informs us that in fact the books aren’t supposed to be preserved here at all and the brothers have been keeping that to themselves.
Axis tells Gilbert to fuck off back to Jayme’s tower. Apparently he trusts two complete strangers with inexplicable stores of ridiculously fancy food over a guy acting on behalf of his own foster father. But as before, the Sue is never wrong.
Then he subtly threatens Ogden to keep his mouth shut about this whole Forbidden thing or else. We jump to Ogden’s POV as he thinks about how he and others have waited “eons” for Axis’ coming and how it’s “up to them to guide the future”. He then does the glowy eyes thing just ’cause when nobody is looking.
It now turns out that the two brothers have a pair of white donkeys to ride, and this is supposed to be an amusing scene as the others grouse about how two old guys on donkeys will be too slow and clumsy, etc. Personally I’m with Gilbert, who sits by looking annoyed.
The next chapter cuts to them arriving back at the camp, and Faraday almost cries at the sight of her crush but fortunately doesn’t. As the journey continues she hangs out with Veremund and Timozel, all the while angsting about the Tree Hug Vision which showed Axis maybe possibly dying (I wish). Timozel tells her about the prophecy. She asks Veremund about the Forbidden, demanding to know how they could possibly have lived in harmony with humans for “thousands of years” when they’re like evil and beastly and such. Her mother spits that they totally are evil, but Faraday ignores her and asks what they were like.
Veremund tells her the Icarii lived in high places and liked to study the movements of the stars, sun and moon, so maybe that’s why they were called the “people of the Wing”. Hmm, wait a minute. Icarii, Icarus… I’m spotting some unsubtle symbolism/foreshadowing here. (What, did none of those hundreds of Icarii books so much as mention the real reason why they’re called that? Not buying it). As for the Avar, they lived in the forest and some say they could talk to the trees, which ticks Faraday right off because Trees R Bad.
A while after this they come across a couple of royal burial mounds, which in a semi-steal from Tolkien have flowers growing all over them. Ogden has been teaching Axis more about what the country used to be like back when it was called Tecendor, and Axis isn’t happy about it because he’s being forced to re-think a lot of his assumptions. Naturally he takes this out on Ogden, thinking about how much he hates the guy’s guts now. Such a nice man our hero is.
Ogden exposits how the Icarii used to be the ruling people of the country, and that the King, or Talon (“Talon”?) always came from the SunSoar clan. Then the humans came under the influence of the Seneschal, overthrew the wise stewardship of the Icarii, and drove them and the Avar out of the country. The old story.
After some description of the weather they make camp in the shelter of the barrows and Axis notes how Faraday has been acting a bit strangely ever since they left the woods. He also thinks about how he was surprised to learn that Borneheld had accepted her as his betrothed since he’s so far avoided marriage and has spent the last ten years amusing himself with a string of “blowzy mistresses”, further proof of course that Borneheld is Evil (in this series, it’s only okay to be a shameless womaniser if you’re the Hero). Axis reflects on how Faraday will be an “extraordinary beauty” in a few years and how she’s “graceful and perceptive”, also intelligent, and Borneheld totally doesn’t deserve her.
Yeah, yeah, I get it author, Faraday is totally amazing and smart and awesome and I should totally like her because you keep lecturing me about it. Ugh.
Axis goes off to find her, and we get a scene that’s supposed to be Tragically Romantic as she starts crying and tells him she wants him “more than life itself”. Um, why? What precisely about him is so irresistible? (Trust me, we will never find out. He just is).
Also, as I promised earlier, despite all the carry-on about how “intelligent” she is Faraday is, in fact, an airhead.
Newsflash: this is not how romance works! I don’t care what Stephenie Meyer told you – there’s more to it than “he’s conventionally attractive, therefore Epic Romance”. Yes of course it’s possible for someone as young as Faraday to mistake infatuation for real love, but we’re clearly not supposed to be seeing her as a naïve idiot (she has “intelligent eyes”, remember).
And even if she doesn’t know any better the considerably older and more experienced Axis absolutely should. Instead of which he decides to start making out with her. SMRT.
Finally Faraday pushes him off and says she’s being silly, and he asks her why she’s marrying Borneheld.
Uh, because it’s an advantageous union to a rich and powerful man and she’s a noblewoman who doesn’t get to choose her husband according to the law and custom of the country they both grew up in?
Instead of realising that Axis gives her a lecture about how she should totally go with a guy who sets her heart on fire instead (ie. him) and then storms off in a temper, which is something he’s extraordinarily good at doing. The narrator specifically notes that he’s “frustrated”. Why? I can only assume it’s because Faraday wouldn’t sleep with him.
Axis is a selfish, spiteful little jackass.
After he leaves, Veremund shows up with his eyes glowing golden again, and tells Faraday they need to talk because this can’t go on any longer. Sadly he’s not referring to her openly flirting with and kissing a guy when she’s supposed to be betrothed to someone else.
Instead he leads her away from the camp, patronisingly addressing her as “dear one”. First it was “pretty lady”, then it was “lovely lady” and now this. If I were Faraday I’d be thoroughly annoyed by this point.
He leads her up onto one of the barrows, where Ogden is sitting with Jack, and Yr the cat goes with them. Jack addresses Faraday as “lovely lady” again (dude, she has a name), and now he’s not talking like a simpleton, but Faraday can totally see his “good-hearted nature” anyway. Um, how? Also, this is incredibly lazy writing. It’s the same sort of cheap trick Terry Goodkind likes to pull, where a character looks at someone and somehow just “knows” things about them on the basis of no evidence.
Then Yr the cat reveals that – gasp! – she can talk! She and the other three start chanting about… well, themselves, with a string of qualities they apparently have including “watchful” and “thoughtful”. I think the author started running out of good adjectives by the end, as they also call themselves “regardful”. They proclaim that they’re waiting for “the One” (Neo?), “the Appointed”, “the Saviour”, the “StarMan”, then build up to a shout, ending with “we are the Sentinals!”
Um, I know it was dramatic and all, but was that really necessary? They’re just introducing themselves to a teenage girl, not trying to impress the King himself or yell defiance at an enemy. And honestly, given that their eyes are glowing like something out of anime as they do this I’m surprised Faraday doesn’t take off running.
As if that wasn’t enough, just as they yell the last bit, fucking thunder and lightning show up out of nowhere and make the ground shake. Okay, I’ve heard of melodrama but that was beyond absurd.
Yr says the thunder was sent by the Destroyer, who has become aware of their presence, which quite frankly makes it even more ridiculous.
Faraday starts asking for answers, and is told that they each chose their own form and Yr chose a cat because she wanted a form that would be stroked as much as possible.
Say it with me now, guys: EWWWW.
Ogden, now addressing Faraday as “sweet child” (seriously, stop it with the patronising pet names; she’s a grown fucking woman) explains that the Sentinals are servants bound to the prophecy, whose job is to make sure it comes true. The real Ogden and Veremund actually died years ago when they tried to enter the Silent Woman Woods, and were replaced by two of the Sentinals.
Faraday is informed that the Prophecy is in charge of her life now (yes, they capitalise the word just to hammer in how important it is) and she doesn’t have any choice but to be controlled by it. Lovely. She doesn’t like this, but is basically told that’s too bad and fuck your free will.
Basically what the Prophecy boils down to is that the three races – Icarii, Avar and Human – have to band together to stop Gorgrael, and Only One Man can do that.
Axis, of course. Please. That guy couldn’t make a starving man eat bread. The only reason his troops are “fiercely loyal” to him is because the author says they are.
Faraday concludes that if the Destroyer is Axis’ brother, that means it must be Borneheld. But no, the Sentinals tell her the Destroyer is his other brother, with whom he shares not a mother, but a father. Faraday asks well, then who is Axis’ father and is told they don’t know. Don’t ask me why the author is playing coy with us – it’s pretty obviously StarDrifter given what we saw in the prologue.
So Axis has not one but two Evil siblings. Wow, that’s not ridiculously clichéd at all.
They ask her about the vision she got from the trees, and Faraday describes it. She believes it showed Borneheld killing Axis. The Sentinals tell her that they can’t risk Axis being killed before he “reaches his full potential”. Therefore, even though they know what she and Axis “feel for each other”, she has to marry Borneheld anyway.
See? I told you it was supposed to be True Love, not a juvenile infatuation, which is what it actually is. If Faraday runs off with Axis, Borneheld will go on the warpath and probably kill him. Faraday protests, but is told that though Axis and Borneheld will eventually duke it out it has to be on Axis’ terms, once he is “the man he most become”.
(SPOILER: “The man he must become” really just means the same guy but with lots of super duper magic powers and shit. I’m afraid he’ll still be the exact same obnoxious jerk at the end of the trilogy as he is now. In fact he’s only going to get douchier).
Anyway, the short version is that Axis’ life depends on Faraday marrying Borneheld, therefore the Fate of the World depends on her going ahead with it. But, you know, no pressure or anything.
Faraday has a good cry about this, and I guess this is supposed to be a tragic scene, but I still can’t make myself care largely because she’s an idiot and he’s a world class dickhead and their “romance” is based on absolutely nothing. They don’t have anything in common, he doesn’t treat her with respect, and she only likes him because he’s hawt and unattainable. Who cares? Fucking Twilight had a more convincing love story than this. (Hey, at least Edward and Bella had more than one short conversation before they Fell in Wuv).
The Sentinals tell her she has to rush on ahead to get to Bornheld, and marry him right away so when Axis gets there Borneheld will be too smug in his triumph to “challenge” him. Why on earth would Borneheld challenge him to a duel anyway? Just for the hell of it? Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure that even in Ye Olden Days guys didn’t challenge each other to swordfights to the death just ’cause. If nothing else it sounds like a definite non-survival trait to me. Also, I’m pretty sure disliking someone is still pretty far from actively wanting them dead. This is so contrived I don’t even have words for it.
Either way Faraday folds like a wet noodle and agrees to go along with it – at the next city she’ll sneak away with two of the Sentinals. Strong female character my arse. And speaking of arses, when they warn her not to tell her mother Faraday says of course not and that if she did “She would give me an enema to clear my wits!”
Uh… was this a thing in Medieval Europe? Also I can’t help but interpret this to mean that Faraday has her head up her arse, which is something I’m entirely prepared to believe.
Faraday asks if Axis knows about any of this and is told no – he’s not ready to know. Yup, the old You Are Not Yet Ready cliché rears its tiresome head. Instead Faraday asks what her other duty to the prophecy will be, but apparently she is Not Yet Ready to Know, other than that it won’t be as “distasteful” as marrying Borneheld.
I’m really starting to feel sorry for Borneheld. Everybody keeps dumping on the guy, and on the basis of what, exactly? Sure he’s bad-tempered and he’s rude to Axis, but so what? Axis is also bad-tempered, and he’s so far been shown acting FAR more unpleasantly toward other people, not to mention that he’s a misogynistic asshat. And yet we’re supposed to like Axis and dislike Borneheld? What the hell for? What precisely is so awful about Borneheld?
Unfortunately this question will never really be answered. The author just seems to assume we’re all on board with Borneheld being Evil and therefore no further effort is required. He doesn’t like the supposed hero, end of story.
Faraday moans about the “sacrifice” they’re asking her to make, and Veremund snarls back that a lot of people will be making sacrifices for this stupid Prophecy, and theirs will be the greatest of all so don’t talk to them about sacrifice. Geez, who pissed in his cereal? Unfortunately Faraday doesn’t tell him to go fuck himself, and is allowed to leave with Yr.
After she’s gone the remaining Sentinals talk briefly about how the Destroyer has been alerted to their presence now (so nothing like Sauron sensing the One Ring at all, then), but they’re still lacking one of their number and they don’t know where she is. The suspense!
End chapter. The next one is called “A Cloudy Day”. Wasn’t that the name of a Pixar short?
14 comments
[1]
theepistler
January 20 2018, 23:53:48
Yo - foaming_beast - could you be a pal and make a new tag for this spork series? Ta.
[1A]
foaming_beast
January 21 2018, 03:01:43
Mmkay, created and added the tag "battleaxe sporkings" to your post. Does that work or did you want the tag to be something else?
[1A1]
theepistler
January 21 2018, 08:59:34
Perfect - thanks!
[2]
Anonymous
January 21 2018, 04:59:50
Well of course they have to stop Gorgrael. If he finds Smurf Village he'll be the most powerful wizard in the world!
Seriously, what is with these names?? I don't know what bothers me more, the idiot story or the clunky ass names of the characters.
[2A]
Moris Kurth
January 21 2018, 12:49:16
Probably the same reason as PaoPao, I mean who gives a Character the name Galbatorix?
[2A1]
theepistler
January 22 2018, 08:23:40 Edited: January 22 2018, 08:23:55
Maybe this book would be more entertaining if we changed it into Monty Python and the Holy Gorgrael.
(I remember someone back in the day saying "Galbatorix" sounded like a type of cereal, lol).
[3]
ghostwyvern
January 21 2018, 08:49:52
You know, looking at this post... a lot of this stuff bothers me tremendously, and I've already said quite a bit about some of it.
Allow me, then, to touch on something that appears to be overlooked: this "Prophecy" is effectively erasing everyone else's contributions to seeing it through to the end and getting rid of the Big Bad. Somehow, although everyone else is working hard to make sure it comes to pass, Axis is the only one who gets credit. It's bad enough that thanks to the Prophecy, no one's got free will unless they want to see the prophecy ruined and evil win the day. But to think that you've got all these other people who have to contribute to make it work, and neither the Prophecy nor anyone else acknowledges anyone but Axis? It's kind of horrible when you think about it, even if you're of the opinion that real heroes don't need credit. You don't have to name them, just acknowledge that ultimately all of this isn't just the work of one man, but of many people. He might be the guy with some special ability, but he's nothing without others supporting him and aiding him up to the point when he can actually use that special ability.
And yeah, you're right, Axis continues to be a first-class jerk, Faraday continues to be a first-class idiot, and nothing makes any sense. I'm right there with you on the magical food. I'd be questioning not only whether it was poisoned, but where it came from, whether it could be magical/enchanted (so many fantasy stories and fairy tales have enchanted food that if you lived in a land with any magic at all it would almost surely come to mind that you shouldn't eat mysterious food), or whether it was even real food at all (maybe it's sand or mud or leaves with an enchantment over them!).
I can kind of see reading this book for the "so bad it's good" factor, but I am not sure I could read something like it without becoming frustrated and angry with it.
Hopefully it's at least not a boring read.
[3A]
theepistler
January 21 2018, 09:51:01
That's a very good point. Not only is Axis elevated to heroic Chosen One status because of precisely nothing he's actually done, but he also gets all the credit. Just wait until you see the thanks poor old Faraday gets. And she sacrifices way more than Axis does.
[4]
cmdrnemo
January 21 2018, 08:55:12
I'm just trying to process the events of this chapter.
"Hello my pretty."
"Please allow us to introduce ourselves. We are beings of wealth and taste. We've been around for a long long year."
"You can totally trust us sweet child. We are the thinkers, the... ooh please keep petting me."
"So fluffy and adorable. Ow! you bit me. What was that for?"
"One tenth of a second more petting than I wanted."
"You may have heard of us. We are the Gardeners! Dramatic thunder and lightning!"
"Nope, never heard of you. Why did you say 'dramatic thunder and lightning?'"
"The FX team is on break. Somebody over did it when we were weeding earlier."
"No one pulls weeds like Gaston!"
"I'm going to call you Nibbler and you are all my bestest friends now."
Meanwhile...
"Bright yellow liquid. I'm going to stick my hand in it!" One hand in golden river later. "This isn't butter at all! This is the most disappointing day ever."
This may turn out to be a worse story than Twilight. I didn't think that was an option.
[4A]
theepistler
January 21 2018, 10:09:31
LOL! Where's snarkbotanya and her copy of Microsoft Paint when you need her? I'm expecting lots of hilarious Talking Kitty cartoons ASAP.
[5]
snarkbotanya
February 10 2018, 17:10:54
“we are the Sentinals!”
Is that typo in the book?
Don’t ask me why the author is playing coy with us – it’s pretty obviously StarDrifter given what we saw in the prologue.
Eh, she's not trying to build up to the reveal of his father's name, she's trying to build up to the reveal of who and what exactly StarDrifter is. Of course, any astute reader will already have guessed.
[5A]
theepistler
February 10 2018, 17:14:31
Actually I'm afraid that typo was me - it took me an embarrassingly long time to realise I'd been spelling it wrong for the last 5000 odd words. *bows head in shame*
Eh, she's not trying to build up to the reveal of his father's name, she's trying to build up to the reveal of who and what exactly StarDrifter is.
As for the who and what, we already know he's a winged creature (because Rivkah said "StarDrifter, is that you?" on seeing a winged shape in the prologue), and I think by this point we already know the Icarii are a winged people, so yeah. You don't exactly have to be Sherlock Holmes.
[5A1]
snarkbotanya
February 10 2018, 18:37:11
Yeah... I mean, they're called the Icarii. I'm also betting StarDrifter is a member of the SunSoar family, because of course the Head Sue would have to be royalty on both sides.
[5A1A]
theepistler
February 10 2018, 18:39:39
Plus Ogden and Veremund flat-out told us they're called "the people of the Wing". That's not foreshadowing; it's a freaking anvil.
I'm also betting StarDrifter is a member of the SunSoar family, because of course the Head Sue would have to be royalty on both sides.
You suppose correctly. ಠ_ಠ
Again, are we actually supposed to like this guy? I note that he doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by the idea of leaving these two apparently defenseless old men in the middle of a forest that eats people. No concern at all.
In any case the two of them won’t take no for an answer and say that they’re coming so they can save time by giving him more information along the way. Axis throws a sulk about this, mature as always, and goes outside. He tries sticking his hands in the shiny golden water – great idea, numbnuts. So far this forest has shown it’s capable of dragging a guy off his horse and swallowing him alive, but you think nothing of sticking your hands in obviously enchanted water.
Sadly this does not result in Axis being turned inside-out. Instead he discovers that the magic water doesn’t make his hands wet. He thinks nothing more about it and goes back inside to find the brothers having a confrontation with Gilbert, who they apparently caught trying to set the keep on fire. Axis is pissed, but Gilbert keeps protesting that the books in the keep are eeeevil and must be destroyed. Axis tells him that’s for Jayme to decide, so shut up, and Gilbert vows to report him for listening to the two brothers and their evil corrupt books. Meanwhile yet another future plot point is needlessly given away ahead of time as the umpteenth stupid unprofessional POV switch informs us that in fact the books aren’t supposed to be preserved here at all and the brothers have been keeping that to themselves.
Axis tells Gilbert to fuck off back to Jayme’s tower. Apparently he trusts two complete strangers with inexplicable stores of ridiculously fancy food over a guy acting on behalf of his own foster father. But as before, the Sue is never wrong.
Then he subtly threatens Ogden to keep his mouth shut about this whole Forbidden thing or else. We jump to Ogden’s POV as he thinks about how he and others have waited “eons” for Axis’ coming and how it’s “up to them to guide the future”. He then does the glowy eyes thing just ’cause when nobody is looking.
It now turns out that the two brothers have a pair of white donkeys to ride, and this is supposed to be an amusing scene as the others grouse about how two old guys on donkeys will be too slow and clumsy, etc. Personally I’m with Gilbert, who sits by looking annoyed.
The next chapter cuts to them arriving back at the camp, and Faraday almost cries at the sight of her crush but fortunately doesn’t. As the journey continues she hangs out with Veremund and Timozel, all the while angsting about the Tree Hug Vision which showed Axis maybe possibly dying (I wish). Timozel tells her about the prophecy. She asks Veremund about the Forbidden, demanding to know how they could possibly have lived in harmony with humans for “thousands of years” when they’re like evil and beastly and such. Her mother spits that they totally are evil, but Faraday ignores her and asks what they were like.
Veremund tells her the Icarii lived in high places and liked to study the movements of the stars, sun and moon, so maybe that’s why they were called the “people of the Wing”. Hmm, wait a minute. Icarii, Icarus… I’m spotting some unsubtle symbolism/foreshadowing here. (What, did none of those hundreds of Icarii books so much as mention the real reason why they’re called that? Not buying it). As for the Avar, they lived in the forest and some say they could talk to the trees, which ticks Faraday right off because Trees R Bad.
A while after this they come across a couple of royal burial mounds, which in a semi-steal from Tolkien have flowers growing all over them. Ogden has been teaching Axis more about what the country used to be like back when it was called Tecendor, and Axis isn’t happy about it because he’s being forced to re-think a lot of his assumptions. Naturally he takes this out on Ogden, thinking about how much he hates the guy’s guts now. Such a nice man our hero is.
Ogden exposits how the Icarii used to be the ruling people of the country, and that the King, or Talon (“Talon”?) always came from the SunSoar clan. Then the humans came under the influence of the Seneschal, overthrew the wise stewardship of the Icarii, and drove them and the Avar out of the country. The old story.
After some description of the weather they make camp in the shelter of the barrows and Axis notes how Faraday has been acting a bit strangely ever since they left the woods. He also thinks about how he was surprised to learn that Borneheld had accepted her as his betrothed since he’s so far avoided marriage and has spent the last ten years amusing himself with a string of “blowzy mistresses”, further proof of course that Borneheld is Evil (in this series, it’s only okay to be a shameless womaniser if you’re the Hero). Axis reflects on how Faraday will be an “extraordinary beauty” in a few years and how she’s “graceful and perceptive”, also intelligent, and Borneheld totally doesn’t deserve her.
Yeah, yeah, I get it author, Faraday is totally amazing and smart and awesome and I should totally like her because you keep lecturing me about it. Ugh.
Axis goes off to find her, and we get a scene that’s supposed to be Tragically Romantic as she starts crying and tells him she wants him “more than life itself”. Um, why? What precisely about him is so irresistible? (Trust me, we will never find out. He just is).
Also, as I promised earlier, despite all the carry-on about how “intelligent” she is Faraday is, in fact, an airhead.
Newsflash: this is not how romance works! I don’t care what Stephenie Meyer told you – there’s more to it than “he’s conventionally attractive, therefore Epic Romance”. Yes of course it’s possible for someone as young as Faraday to mistake infatuation for real love, but we’re clearly not supposed to be seeing her as a naïve idiot (she has “intelligent eyes”, remember).
And even if she doesn’t know any better the considerably older and more experienced Axis absolutely should. Instead of which he decides to start making out with her. SMRT.
Finally Faraday pushes him off and says she’s being silly, and he asks her why she’s marrying Borneheld.
Uh, because it’s an advantageous union to a rich and powerful man and she’s a noblewoman who doesn’t get to choose her husband according to the law and custom of the country they both grew up in?
Instead of realising that Axis gives her a lecture about how she should totally go with a guy who sets her heart on fire instead (ie. him) and then storms off in a temper, which is something he’s extraordinarily good at doing. The narrator specifically notes that he’s “frustrated”. Why? I can only assume it’s because Faraday wouldn’t sleep with him.
Axis is a selfish, spiteful little jackass.
After he leaves, Veremund shows up with his eyes glowing golden again, and tells Faraday they need to talk because this can’t go on any longer. Sadly he’s not referring to her openly flirting with and kissing a guy when she’s supposed to be betrothed to someone else.
Instead he leads her away from the camp, patronisingly addressing her as “dear one”. First it was “pretty lady”, then it was “lovely lady” and now this. If I were Faraday I’d be thoroughly annoyed by this point.
He leads her up onto one of the barrows, where Ogden is sitting with Jack, and Yr the cat goes with them. Jack addresses Faraday as “lovely lady” again (dude, she has a name), and now he’s not talking like a simpleton, but Faraday can totally see his “good-hearted nature” anyway. Um, how? Also, this is incredibly lazy writing. It’s the same sort of cheap trick Terry Goodkind likes to pull, where a character looks at someone and somehow just “knows” things about them on the basis of no evidence.
Then Yr the cat reveals that – gasp! – she can talk! She and the other three start chanting about… well, themselves, with a string of qualities they apparently have including “watchful” and “thoughtful”. I think the author started running out of good adjectives by the end, as they also call themselves “regardful”. They proclaim that they’re waiting for “the One” (Neo?), “the Appointed”, “the Saviour”, the “StarMan”, then build up to a shout, ending with “we are the Sentinals!”
Um, I know it was dramatic and all, but was that really necessary? They’re just introducing themselves to a teenage girl, not trying to impress the King himself or yell defiance at an enemy. And honestly, given that their eyes are glowing like something out of anime as they do this I’m surprised Faraday doesn’t take off running.
As if that wasn’t enough, just as they yell the last bit, fucking thunder and lightning show up out of nowhere and make the ground shake. Okay, I’ve heard of melodrama but that was beyond absurd.
Yr says the thunder was sent by the Destroyer, who has become aware of their presence, which quite frankly makes it even more ridiculous.
Faraday starts asking for answers, and is told that they each chose their own form and Yr chose a cat because she wanted a form that would be stroked as much as possible.
Say it with me now, guys: EWWWW.
Ogden, now addressing Faraday as “sweet child” (seriously, stop it with the patronising pet names; she’s a grown fucking woman) explains that the Sentinals are servants bound to the prophecy, whose job is to make sure it comes true. The real Ogden and Veremund actually died years ago when they tried to enter the Silent Woman Woods, and were replaced by two of the Sentinals.
Faraday is informed that the Prophecy is in charge of her life now (yes, they capitalise the word just to hammer in how important it is) and she doesn’t have any choice but to be controlled by it. Lovely. She doesn’t like this, but is basically told that’s too bad and fuck your free will.
Basically what the Prophecy boils down to is that the three races – Icarii, Avar and Human – have to band together to stop Gorgrael, and Only One Man can do that.
Axis, of course. Please. That guy couldn’t make a starving man eat bread. The only reason his troops are “fiercely loyal” to him is because the author says they are.
Faraday concludes that if the Destroyer is Axis’ brother, that means it must be Borneheld. But no, the Sentinals tell her the Destroyer is his other brother, with whom he shares not a mother, but a father. Faraday asks well, then who is Axis’ father and is told they don’t know. Don’t ask me why the author is playing coy with us – it’s pretty obviously StarDrifter given what we saw in the prologue.
So Axis has not one but two Evil siblings. Wow, that’s not ridiculously clichéd at all.
They ask her about the vision she got from the trees, and Faraday describes it. She believes it showed Borneheld killing Axis. The Sentinals tell her that they can’t risk Axis being killed before he “reaches his full potential”. Therefore, even though they know what she and Axis “feel for each other”, she has to marry Borneheld anyway.
See? I told you it was supposed to be True Love, not a juvenile infatuation, which is what it actually is. If Faraday runs off with Axis, Borneheld will go on the warpath and probably kill him. Faraday protests, but is told that though Axis and Borneheld will eventually duke it out it has to be on Axis’ terms, once he is “the man he most become”.
(SPOILER: “The man he must become” really just means the same guy but with lots of super duper magic powers and shit. I’m afraid he’ll still be the exact same obnoxious jerk at the end of the trilogy as he is now. In fact he’s only going to get douchier).
Anyway, the short version is that Axis’ life depends on Faraday marrying Borneheld, therefore the Fate of the World depends on her going ahead with it. But, you know, no pressure or anything.
Faraday has a good cry about this, and I guess this is supposed to be a tragic scene, but I still can’t make myself care largely because she’s an idiot and he’s a world class dickhead and their “romance” is based on absolutely nothing. They don’t have anything in common, he doesn’t treat her with respect, and she only likes him because he’s hawt and unattainable. Who cares? Fucking Twilight had a more convincing love story than this. (Hey, at least Edward and Bella had more than one short conversation before they Fell in Wuv).
The Sentinals tell her she has to rush on ahead to get to Bornheld, and marry him right away so when Axis gets there Borneheld will be too smug in his triumph to “challenge” him. Why on earth would Borneheld challenge him to a duel anyway? Just for the hell of it? Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure that even in Ye Olden Days guys didn’t challenge each other to swordfights to the death just ’cause. If nothing else it sounds like a definite non-survival trait to me. Also, I’m pretty sure disliking someone is still pretty far from actively wanting them dead. This is so contrived I don’t even have words for it.
Either way Faraday folds like a wet noodle and agrees to go along with it – at the next city she’ll sneak away with two of the Sentinals. Strong female character my arse. And speaking of arses, when they warn her not to tell her mother Faraday says of course not and that if she did “She would give me an enema to clear my wits!”
Uh… was this a thing in Medieval Europe? Also I can’t help but interpret this to mean that Faraday has her head up her arse, which is something I’m entirely prepared to believe.
Faraday asks if Axis knows about any of this and is told no – he’s not ready to know. Yup, the old You Are Not Yet Ready cliché rears its tiresome head. Instead Faraday asks what her other duty to the prophecy will be, but apparently she is Not Yet Ready to Know, other than that it won’t be as “distasteful” as marrying Borneheld.
I’m really starting to feel sorry for Borneheld. Everybody keeps dumping on the guy, and on the basis of what, exactly? Sure he’s bad-tempered and he’s rude to Axis, but so what? Axis is also bad-tempered, and he’s so far been shown acting FAR more unpleasantly toward other people, not to mention that he’s a misogynistic asshat. And yet we’re supposed to like Axis and dislike Borneheld? What the hell for? What precisely is so awful about Borneheld?
Unfortunately this question will never really be answered. The author just seems to assume we’re all on board with Borneheld being Evil and therefore no further effort is required. He doesn’t like the supposed hero, end of story.
Faraday moans about the “sacrifice” they’re asking her to make, and Veremund snarls back that a lot of people will be making sacrifices for this stupid Prophecy, and theirs will be the greatest of all so don’t talk to them about sacrifice. Geez, who pissed in his cereal? Unfortunately Faraday doesn’t tell him to go fuck himself, and is allowed to leave with Yr.
After she’s gone the remaining Sentinals talk briefly about how the Destroyer has been alerted to their presence now (so nothing like Sauron sensing the One Ring at all, then), but they’re still lacking one of their number and they don’t know where she is. The suspense!
End chapter. The next one is called “A Cloudy Day”. Wasn’t that the name of a Pixar short?
14 comments
[1]
theepistler
January 20 2018, 23:53:48
Yo - foaming_beast - could you be a pal and make a new tag for this spork series? Ta.
[1A]
foaming_beast
January 21 2018, 03:01:43
Mmkay, created and added the tag "battleaxe sporkings" to your post. Does that work or did you want the tag to be something else?
[1A1]
theepistler
January 21 2018, 08:59:34
Perfect - thanks!
[2]
Anonymous
January 21 2018, 04:59:50
Well of course they have to stop Gorgrael. If he finds Smurf Village he'll be the most powerful wizard in the world!
Seriously, what is with these names?? I don't know what bothers me more, the idiot story or the clunky ass names of the characters.
[2A]
Moris Kurth
January 21 2018, 12:49:16
Probably the same reason as PaoPao, I mean who gives a Character the name Galbatorix?
[2A1]
theepistler
January 22 2018, 08:23:40 Edited: January 22 2018, 08:23:55
Maybe this book would be more entertaining if we changed it into Monty Python and the Holy Gorgrael.
(I remember someone back in the day saying "Galbatorix" sounded like a type of cereal, lol).
[3]
ghostwyvern
January 21 2018, 08:49:52
You know, looking at this post... a lot of this stuff bothers me tremendously, and I've already said quite a bit about some of it.
Allow me, then, to touch on something that appears to be overlooked: this "Prophecy" is effectively erasing everyone else's contributions to seeing it through to the end and getting rid of the Big Bad. Somehow, although everyone else is working hard to make sure it comes to pass, Axis is the only one who gets credit. It's bad enough that thanks to the Prophecy, no one's got free will unless they want to see the prophecy ruined and evil win the day. But to think that you've got all these other people who have to contribute to make it work, and neither the Prophecy nor anyone else acknowledges anyone but Axis? It's kind of horrible when you think about it, even if you're of the opinion that real heroes don't need credit. You don't have to name them, just acknowledge that ultimately all of this isn't just the work of one man, but of many people. He might be the guy with some special ability, but he's nothing without others supporting him and aiding him up to the point when he can actually use that special ability.
And yeah, you're right, Axis continues to be a first-class jerk, Faraday continues to be a first-class idiot, and nothing makes any sense. I'm right there with you on the magical food. I'd be questioning not only whether it was poisoned, but where it came from, whether it could be magical/enchanted (so many fantasy stories and fairy tales have enchanted food that if you lived in a land with any magic at all it would almost surely come to mind that you shouldn't eat mysterious food), or whether it was even real food at all (maybe it's sand or mud or leaves with an enchantment over them!).
I can kind of see reading this book for the "so bad it's good" factor, but I am not sure I could read something like it without becoming frustrated and angry with it.
Hopefully it's at least not a boring read.
[3A]
theepistler
January 21 2018, 09:51:01
That's a very good point. Not only is Axis elevated to heroic Chosen One status because of precisely nothing he's actually done, but he also gets all the credit. Just wait until you see the thanks poor old Faraday gets. And she sacrifices way more than Axis does.
[4]
cmdrnemo
January 21 2018, 08:55:12
I'm just trying to process the events of this chapter.
"Hello my pretty."
"Please allow us to introduce ourselves. We are beings of wealth and taste. We've been around for a long long year."
"You can totally trust us sweet child. We are the thinkers, the... ooh please keep petting me."
"So fluffy and adorable. Ow! you bit me. What was that for?"
"One tenth of a second more petting than I wanted."
"You may have heard of us. We are the Gardeners! Dramatic thunder and lightning!"
"Nope, never heard of you. Why did you say 'dramatic thunder and lightning?'"
"The FX team is on break. Somebody over did it when we were weeding earlier."
"No one pulls weeds like Gaston!"
"I'm going to call you Nibbler and you are all my bestest friends now."
Meanwhile...
"Bright yellow liquid. I'm going to stick my hand in it!" One hand in golden river later. "This isn't butter at all! This is the most disappointing day ever."
This may turn out to be a worse story than Twilight. I didn't think that was an option.
[4A]
theepistler
January 21 2018, 10:09:31
LOL! Where's snarkbotanya and her copy of Microsoft Paint when you need her? I'm expecting lots of hilarious Talking Kitty cartoons ASAP.
[5]
snarkbotanya
February 10 2018, 17:10:54
“we are the Sentinals!”
Is that typo in the book?
Don’t ask me why the author is playing coy with us – it’s pretty obviously StarDrifter given what we saw in the prologue.
Eh, she's not trying to build up to the reveal of his father's name, she's trying to build up to the reveal of who and what exactly StarDrifter is. Of course, any astute reader will already have guessed.
[5A]
theepistler
February 10 2018, 17:14:31
Actually I'm afraid that typo was me - it took me an embarrassingly long time to realise I'd been spelling it wrong for the last 5000 odd words. *bows head in shame*
Eh, she's not trying to build up to the reveal of his father's name, she's trying to build up to the reveal of who and what exactly StarDrifter is.
As for the who and what, we already know he's a winged creature (because Rivkah said "StarDrifter, is that you?" on seeing a winged shape in the prologue), and I think by this point we already know the Icarii are a winged people, so yeah. You don't exactly have to be Sherlock Holmes.
[5A1]
snarkbotanya
February 10 2018, 18:37:11
Yeah... I mean, they're called the Icarii. I'm also betting StarDrifter is a member of the SunSoar family, because of course the Head Sue would have to be royalty on both sides.
[5A1A]
theepistler
February 10 2018, 18:39:39
Plus Ogden and Veremund flat-out told us they're called "the people of the Wing". That's not foreshadowing; it's a freaking anvil.
I'm also betting StarDrifter is a member of the SunSoar family, because of course the Head Sue would have to be royalty on both sides.
You suppose correctly. ಠ_ಠ