BattleAxe Sporking: Part Twenty

[pangolin20]

theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-02-15 14:21:00

MOOD: nervous

BattleAxe Sporking: Part Twenty


Unfortunately in the next chapter we’re still with Axis, who’s walking around Gherkintown being stalked by a couple of “hooded and cloaked shadows”. Sadly, they’re not Ringwraiths. He walks for fifteen minutes, because the author felt like specifying for some reason, and makes a stop at the local church. Well, “Retreat of the Brotherhood of the Seneschal”, but damned if I’m typing all that out again. He’s hoping to ask the guy in charge some questions about his mother.

The guy’s name is Brother Francis, and after the usual wad of boring description Axis asks him if he knows who he, Axis, is. Ajax Francis answers that – oh, for the love of Pete – the soldiers hereabouts “speak of no-one else, of your patrols, of your courage, of your leadership”. Yeah, he’s been here five days and he’s already everybody’s darling. Look, just because the no-name extras admire the Sue, doesn’t mean I’m going to admire him, author. And doubly so when it’s this unbelievable.

Anyway, Axis brings up the fact that his mother died here, and Ajax Francis answers that actually she didn’t and he doesn’t care about keeping the secret any more. Axis says no, the “Duke of Ichtar” is still around, ie. Borneheld, and Ajax Francis should keep his mouth shut just in case. Instead he asks to see the room where he was born.

Ajax Francis leads him toward it, and exposits about how at “the end of Wolf-month” (groan), he helped to carry Rivkah this way. When they reach the door Axis says he’d like to be alone now, so Ajax Francis leaves. On the way back he spots someone else coming the other way and is surprised. I’m betting it’s either Ogden or Veremund, here to do more meddling and spout more annoying platitudes about how Axis is Special.

Axis enters the room, which turns out to be a dump, but then who should show up but Faraday. Oh thank heavens; I’ve had about as much as I can take of Ogden and Veremund. Unfortunately, this means more forced, annoying “romance”.

Axis demands an explanation, adding that he “almost tore that Barrow apart with my bare hands to reach you”. Which readers will recall is a lie. All he did was rip up some grass and wangst, then gave up the moment he was told Faraday was “gone”. He then starts telling her about how she told him she wanted him “more than life itself”, then ran off to Borneheld, wah wah. Oh, I don’t know; maybe there was the part where she then went on to say she was being silly and should do her duty? Maybe she saw sense?

Faraday then bursts into a stream of romantic clichés. See if you can read this without needing an insulin shot:
“I live only for you! I love you with every breath I take, with every beat of my heart! But I could not marry you! Not once I had been betrothed to Borneheld! He would have killed you, and I would rather have you alive than dead!”

Okay, I added the exclamation points but even so. Also, now I’m thinking of “Every Breath You Take” by the Police.
Axis snaps back that he’s not scared of Borneheld, and Faraday says yeah, but it’s so important that Axis stays alive because he’s, like, the StarMan and whatever. Axis says okay maybe, but “it is so damned difficult to understand the changes in me!” What changes? He adds that the Prophecy frightens him. Yeah, I’d be having an existential crisis myself, but I don’t think that’s what he means. He goes on to say that the second and third verses “frighten” him because the second verse says he has to “wait until all its riddles are fulfilled” before he can kill Gorgrael, or his “power” will kill him, and he just can’t make sense of any of it, wah. I checked the Prophecy and it’s mostly just a lot of gibberish about babies and cradles and such.

I love how this thing is now a transparent excuse for the characters to not do things.

Axis shows Faraday his ring and says his father was an Icarii Enchanter named StarDrifter. He also calls her “my love” while caressing her face, and Faraday practically squees over this before spouting another horribly clichéd line: “No wonder you bound my soul with enchantments the moment I first saw you”. Gag.

They almost kiss, but Faraday says no, she has to stay loyal to Borneheld. Axis asks if her sense of duty is going to “keep us apart for a lifetime?”. Actually no, Axis. You’re going to be the one responsible for ruining this very beautiful alleged relationship, and in just about the douchiest, cruelest way possible. But we’ll get to that later.

Faraday moans about how if she leaves Borneheld, he’ll track Axis down and kill him. Axis wangsts about how he’s never wanted anyone like he wants her now, blah blah. He asks Faraday if Borneheld treats her right, and she disappoints him by not saying he beats her or anything else nasty. Axis wangsts even more about how maybe she likes having sex with him. Heaven forfend! But no, Faradays says “he does not make me feel the way you made me feel under the stars” because “You are the StarMan, he is simply the man I married”.

Wait, so being the StarMan (ugh) means he’s better in the sack than Borneheld? I don’t get it. Axis presses the issue of her keeping to her vows, and when she holds firm he vows that “what lies between Borneheld and myself will one day lead to the death of one of us”. Because committing fratricide just because you personally dislike someone is such a great idea and won’t get you arrested or anything. Faraday begs him not to do this, but Axis doesn’t listen and rants about how one day he’ll kill Borneheld and marry Faraday. He adds that the “woman will hold in joy at night the slayer of her husband” thing in the Prophecy is obviously about them, and is she up for it?

Naturally Faraday isn’t the least bit bothered by the idea of Borneheld dying – her only caveat is that it can’t be by murder. Any other means of killing someone she knows who hasn’t done anything wrong is fine, though. Isn’t she just a peach?
Finally she agrees that if/when Axis kills Borneheld, she’ll marry him ‘till death do them part because then “there will be no barrier between us”.

Yeah, if you seriously think King Jackass here is going to keep his promises, you’re sadly mistaken, young lady. Faraday is going to spend the rest of her life kicking herself over this conversation.

Thankfully, the two of them move on from this and start talking about the Sentinals. We also learn that Borneheld is seriously on the point of killing Axis. As in Faraday is “daily saving Axis from death”. Oh, come on.

Axis wonders if the Sentinals are bad, but Faraday protests that no, no, they need them. Personally I vote we nuke the lot of them from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

Then Axis decides to use his Time Travel Song to see his birth. I’m imagining it’s the Time Warp. So he does a little step to the left and then a jump to the right, and we get a flashback of Rivkah giving birth. For some reason she has “auburn” hair in this scene, even though present day Rivkah is clearly a former blonde. I’m calling continuity error. (Note From The Future: It ultimately turns out I’m wrong, but the explanation is so stupid it might as well be a continuity flub).

Rivkah’s husband, aka Borneheld’s dad, shows up and asks “How goes the lady bitch my wife giving birth to her fatherless son of the night?”. This dialogue is so natural-sounding, isn’t it?

The answer is that the “babe” is in the wrong position and can’t be turned around. Faraday thinks “This line deserves to die with Borneheld”, and then wonders where the hell that came from. Dude, not five pages ago you were perfectly fine with Axis killing the guy, and you already don’t want to have his kids. It sounded perfectly natural coming from you to me.
Borneheld’s Dad asks whether Rivkah’s secret lover was worth dying for, and she answers “I would die a hundred deaths for one more hour cradled in his arms!!1”

Remember, this is StarDrifter we’re talking about.

He then leaves, and one of the midwives says they can get rid of the baby to save Rivkah’s life. She yells back that no way are they hurting the little brat, so they’re then just magically able to turn the kid around. Even though on the last page they said that wasn’t possible. Baby Axis pops out with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. They cut it, but then instantly claim he’s dead (without even bothering to take a pulse, might I add). They take the “dead” baby away while Rivkah screams at them to bring him back.

Then Jayme and his pal Moryson come in and pick her up, saying how they’re going to dump her in the wilderness and “we need her no more”.

The vision ends, and Faraday wonders why they didn’t kill Axis as well. He says he’ll ask them before he slits both their throats (naturally he feels not the slightest bit conflicted about murdering the guy who raised him). More melodramatic clichés follow as we’re told “the lies that had bound him all his life were shattering about him”.
Woo.

Cut to Timozel, who’s hanging around outside feeling extremely pissed. He knows Faraday is alone with Axis and has drawn the obvious conclusion. Then he has another vision about himself sitting with a guy he thinks is Borneheld, drinking wine with Faraday. But now “unseen by [him]”, there’s a Dark Man touching his shoulder and laughing.

Creepy.

I have a question – if Gorgrael can brainwash people into joining him from a long way away, why isn’t he doing this to anyone else? Why just this one guy who’s nothing special? Why doesn’t he just do this to every member of the AW and then order them to rip Axis to pieces?

The next chapter returns to Azhure, whose name I’m really sick of typing out, arriving at the place where the Yuletide celebration is held. (In other words, pre-Christian Christmas. Now certain people can bitch about the lack of Jesus all they like). A bunch of other Avar clans arrive as well, but Azhure has to keep to herself while under watch by Barsarbe’s “cold eyes”. Fuck you, Barsarbe. I hope the author makes your head explode or feeds you to a monster (this is actually a reasonably safe bet. You’d be amazed how often that happens in this series). Azhure is now “reserved”, and so is GoldFeather, who’s still angsting about Axis and thinking about how she “buried Rivkah on the slopes of the Icescarp Alps”. Ah yes, the familiar “That Man You Knew is Dead” cliché. It’s an old favourite.

Oh, here we go – it’s time for the story of how she met StarDrifter. Apparently he landed on the roof one day and she knew right away what he was, including that he was an Enchanter (um, how?). Somehow or other she had developed a “fascination” with the Forbidden as a teenager, when a mysterious singer came to Carlon and sang for her about the Icarii and the Avar. Said singer always wrapped himself in a cloak even when it was hot.

So in other words, he was an Icarii hiding his wings. Just how stupid d’you think I am, author?

Anyway, listening to a few songs meant that the moment she saw StarDrifter she fell into his arms and was impregnated that very same day.

Yes, really. All she had to do was look into those big sparkly Sue eyes and that was it.

But then, oh woe, Jayme lied to her and stole the kid! After which she was dumped in the wilderness, where she was found by another Icarii named CrimsonCrest (no, Icarii do not have crests, so don’t ask me why he’s called that). He apparently asked her “with the utmost arrogance, as was the Icarii way”, what she was doing there. Yup, you heard it here first: all Icarii are arrogant assholes. And we’re supposed to like them why, exactly? Also this is a fine example of fantasy culture homogeneity – every Icarii is haughty and arrogant. There are no shy or humble Icarii. Which means they’re basically a bunch of cardboard cutouts with identical personalities. Which is boring. Not to mention totally unbelievable.

Anyway, StarDrifter took her to a place called “Talon Spike” and nursed her back to health, but neither of them really got over losing their kid “who had been conceived among the joy of newly discovered love”.

Yeah, they fell “in love” the same day they met.

This is how a nine year old thinks romance works.

Thanks to Magic™ GoldFeather healed up just fine and didn’t even lose any fingers… except “somehow” her hair turned from auburn to silver with a golden streak.
Why? Just because.

Unfortunately she wasn’t really that comfortable among the Icarii because they’re prickly and haughty and obsessed with magic. She and StarDrifter got married anyway, even though as we now learn, the Icarii live about six times longer than a human, and Enchanters live even longer – StarDrifter is due to live for hundreds of years after she’s gone. This has caused him to start losing interest in her because she’s getting older, and she has doubts about whether he’s still committed to her. What a guy.

The moment you’re not young and beautiful any more, he gets a wandering eye.

We now learn about their second kid, daughter EvenSong. Naturally EvenSong is “beautiful” (c’mon, author, don’t you know any other adjectives?). She’s now 25 and about to join something called the Strike Force for five years of “obligatory… military service”. Who do the Icarii fight, anyway? I don’t know.

We also learn that EvenSong takes more after her father than her mother, and that Icarii are born human, but when they’re four or five they start growing wings. EvenSong had to have some help from her father, who used Magic Singing to encourage her wings to grow. GoldFeather wonders if Axis could have grown wings too, and whether he’s got the Icarii longevity the way EvenSong does (probably. Can’t have the Sue get old, after all).

Oh, and apparently Axis is so Speshul he was literally singing in the womb. Did anybody tell the author that there’s no air in the womb? In other words, nothing to fill the kid’s lungs? Thereby rendering singing of any sort physically impossible?
Probably not, no. That or she put as little thought into that as she put into the rest of this book.

GoldFeather also thinks about Axis is REALLY Speshul because somehow he’s able to do all that magical singing despite having zero training. She wonders what “she and StarDrifter bred”. A Sue. That’s what you bred. Sueus Maximus, of the order Obnoxii. They’re more common than you might think.

GoldFeather then starts thinking about his name, which is also Speshul (...aren’t we supposed to be in the middle of a scene here?). It’s not an Acharite name – unlike names like Belial and Timozel, which fit just fiiine – and she wonders who gave it to him, then concludes that it’s “somehow” appropriate. There’s that word again.

We finally cut back to the real world, where everyone’s setting up camp and poor poor Azure Sue is “suffering much the same way that [GoldFeather] had when she first joined the Icarii”. Boo hoo. Blah blah, setting up tents… Pease Porrige tells Azhure the Avar don’t normally gather in such large numbers except at Yuletide and Beltide. Pease then gives a little speech about how cautious the Avar are toward humans, and how massively serious killing her own dad is, and how the Avar think humans are “inherently violent”… unlike themselves, of course.

Azhure replies that she has nowhere else to go, and wangsts about how only her mother ever loved her and after “a lifetime of rejection and ill-treatment, [she] yearned to be loved, needed and valued”.

As usual, none of this could be SHOWN. No, no, it all has to be boringly dictated at us.

After this the clans start gathering for their special meeting, at a place imaginatively named Earth Tree Grove. There’s a circle of standing stones there which is basically Stonehenge, surrounding the – sigh – Earth Tree. It’s basically any other special giant tree you’d see in any other generic story about Enlightened Friends of Nature. Except this one has multicoloured flowers. GoldFeather explains that it’s the Avar’s most sacred “object” because it symbolises “the harmony that exists between earth and nature”. Well no shit, lady. You really had to point that out for us?

The Banes pass around bowls of some black liquid which is apparently the Earth Tree’s nectar. Everyone drinks, but Azhure isn’t allowed until she’s been accepted into the Avar.

The most senior Bane gets up and welcomes everyone. She then tells them about Faraday and the Sentinals and whatnot. She also talks about how Gorgrael is the kid of one of their people, so it’s partly their fault that “through our carelessness we should bring destruction down upon ourselves”. Then why did you guys keep doing the orgy thing every year, if the risk was that great? Idiots.

Everyone has a good cry about this. They’re also embarrassed that the Tree Friend isn’t one of their people. Yeah, what gives? Why is the Chosen One of the Avar some random noblewoman? I’m getting a whiff of the White Saviour trope. Raum assures them that one day Faraday will come to the Earth Tree and lead them to safety.

After this Azhure is invited to stand up, and the head Bane tells everyone her story. Everyone there instantly turns on her, but then Raum speaks on her behalf, adding the sob story about how she was abused. Then Azhure gets a turn, and she gives a speech about how she’s learned the Ways of the Forest and will never do violence to any Avar, and so on. It’s right out of Avatar, which despite being utterly generic is still more imaginative than this book, if only because of the awesome worldbuilding. She’s then taken into the stone circle to be presented to the Earth Tree.

Raum tells her about its history. Basically it’s the Menoa Tree with a side of PaoElf. It’s responsible for the health of the forest, and now thanks to the Bad Humans it’s not what it used to be. Now, exactly like the Menoa Tree, it sits around slumbering. Oh, and it’s female apparently. And there I was thinking trees were hermaphrodites.

This little lesson in Fantasy Botany is interrupted by the head Bane. They’ve had a chat while Azhure was busy. The verdict is that she’s allowed to stay, but will never be accepted as an Avar. And this is very sad because the humans in Smyrton never accepted her either.

Don’t worry, Azhure. They’re just not Special enough for you.
End chapter.
13 comments

[1]

Anonymous
February 15 2018, 15:34:51
Just FYI, not all plants are hermaphrodites. See http://www.telegraph.co.uk/gardening/plants/11285502/Do-plants-have-a-gender.html

-TTT

[1A]

theepistler
February 15 2018, 19:08:36
"She. Boats are always... she."


[2]

Anonymous
February 16 2018, 08:47:45
Does the big bad have any other presence in this book or are we told he does vaguely evil things like taxes and running a well regulated government?

[2A]

theepistler
February 16 2018, 10:37:47
The author was blatantly ripping off Lord of the Rings with this book, so Gorgrael is basically a combination of Sauron/Saruman - ie. never really seen except for when he shouts from the sky or makes a snowstorm fall on the heroes. And no, you never really do get much demonstration of how eeeevil he is other than seeing his incompetent minions running around from time to time.

Mind you, he does start appearing in person in the next book, and when he does you'll wish he hadn't. He's even more of a stupid whiny manchild than Axis. (Yes it's possible).

[3]

hergrim
February 16 2018, 21:30:14
It occurs to me that Axis is receiving a lot of praise for essentially being a berserker. Which, in the Scandinavian sagas, would mean that he would be given a lot of praise for his prowess in battle and no one would want to be about him otherwise. Berserkers were rude, crude, unpredictably violent and otherwise made a nuisance of themselves. Frequently they were outlaws or terrified everyone into giving them what they wanted. Douglass seems to be ignoring their negative depiction in favour of talking about how wonderful an inability to control your emotions is.

The guy’s name is Brother Francis, and after the usual wad of boring description Axis asks him if he knows who he, Axis, is. Ajax Francis answers that – oh, for the love of Pete – the soldiers hereabouts “speak of no-one else, of your patrols, of your courage, of your leadership”. Yeah, he’s been here five days and he’s already everybody’s darling. Look, just because the no-name extras admire the Sue, doesn’t mean I’m going to admire him, author. And doubly so when it’s this unbelievable.

On one hand, I could understand the no-name extras admiring Axis for doing the impossible (defeating a band of Skraelings without loss of life on his part). It's pretty natural that hero worship would ensue even if there was tension between Axis and their lord. Unfortunately, there's the other hand, which is that Axis did nothing to earn his victory. There wasn't any clever strategy or struggle to keep his men together during a difficult and dangerous fight, just some straight up whack and bashing.

Okay, sure, sometimes just showing men that they can defeat an enemy/how to do so will lift morale and boost confidence to the point where the battle shifts overwhelmingly in their favour, but there will still be losses or major injuries during the process. You just need a genuinely competent protagonist to pull it off.

Also, unrelated: I just remembered some things about the sequel trilogy and just how much more fucked up StarDrifter becomes. Man I hate that guy.

[3A]

theepistler
February 16 2018, 22:23:46
It occurs to me that Axis is receiving a lot of praise for essentially being a berserker... Douglass seems to be ignoring their negative depiction in favour of talking about how wonderful an inability to control your emotions is.

Hah, so true. In real life a guy like Axis would be very useful on the front lines among the shock troops, and an absolute nightmare among the command, where the ability to stay calm in high-pressure circumstances is kind of a necessity. A general who flies off the handle all the time and is basically ruled by his impulses is a freaking liability. And even more so when he keeps deliberately antagonising other members of the high command just because he can. If this army was run with any sort of common sense, Axis would have been demoted years ago.

Unfortunately, there's the other hand, which is that Axis did nothing to earn his victory. There wasn't any clever strategy or struggle to keep his men together during a difficult and dangerous fight, just some straight up whack and bashing.

Not only that, but Axis wasn't even the one who figured out how to kill the Skraelings - it was Borneheld and his underlings who fought and died in who knows how many battles before they found the answer. Do they get any credit? No. Instead that's all just conveniently ignored so Axis gets 100% of the credit.

I just remembered some things about the sequel trilogy and just how much more fucked up StarDrifter becomes. Man I hate that guy.

Ugh, yes. I suspect he was an author favourite, because he just keeps sticking around for no very good reason. I might have been okay with if if he'd actually changed as a person, but no such luck. He's a selfish womanising jackass now and forevermore.

[3A1]

hergrim
February 17 2018, 08:15:56
Damn, I forgot that. Axis' popularity is even less explicable now. He's definitely no Thomas Dagworth or Montluc, that's for sure.

StarDrifter's eventual choice of sexual partners is also pretty disturbing.

[3A1A]

theepistler
February 17 2018, 11:03:48
StarDrifter's eventual choice of sexual partners is also pretty disturbing.

Doesn't he end up with a woman he deliberately set up to be gang raped or something?

[3A1A1]

hergrim
February 17 2018, 16:19:28
I don't remember anything about that, just that he ends up banging his granddaughter. I wouldn't put it past him for it to be both, though.

[3A1A1A]

theepistler
February 17 2018, 20:44:24
Yeeeah, I have a few things to say later on about the author's bizarre obsession with romanticising incest. What makes it even more obnoxious is how she smugly patted herself on the back about it because she apparently thought she was being "daring" rather than just throwing it in for completely pointless shock value, Janine Cross style.

[3A1B]

theepistler
February 17 2018, 12:56:53
On a related note, I really really hate how this author handles rape. And especially in the sequel trilogy, when a woman character who was actually kind of strong by Douglass standards falls in love with her rapist just because he got raped too. I mean for fuck's sake.

[3A1B1]

hergrim
February 17 2018, 16:20:44
I'm guessing it was "True Love" rather than Stockholm Syndrome or some kind of traumatic bonding?

[3A1B1A]

theepistler
February 17 2018, 20:47:07
Naturally.
What makes it even more irritating is that the guy in question was actually one of the more interesting characters in the series until the author had him raped, apparently in some sort of attempt at turning him into a woobie. Instead of which it's just unpleasant. And the rape scene itself is so poorly written it's actually kind of hilarious.