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theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-03-28 10:43:00
MOOD: awake
MUSIC: Assassin's Creed II
BattleAxe Sporking: Part Twenty-Six (The End)
I don't know how many of you guys are still reading this, but oh well - I sporked all the way to the end, so here's the final part. Thank goodness.
The chapter opens with Axis and his pals standing on the roof of the fort, which has apparently now been under siege for two weeks. Axis is still weak but recovering, and knows that somehow Faraday healed him. For some damn reason Borneheld, despite also being aware of this, doesn’t find it at all suspicious and is just pissed off about it. We’re again reminded that Faraday has to keep him happy, because “he could still kill Axis in a fit of jealous rage”.
I’ve already been over how this is completely absurd.
Axis is pissed at Margarita for letting Faraday take the blame for the gate opening thing, but Margarita doesn’t care because despite being Borneheld’s right hand man for years, the senior commander in charge of Gherkinfort and so on, now he’s totally loyal to Axis instead. Because when the Sue calls, lifelong loyalties mean precisely jack and shit. Resident military man kris_norge would take an extremely dim view of this sort of behaviour. A good soldier, as he once told me, does not change loyalties and essentially betray his commanding officer just because some other jerk comes along who he likes better. It’s incredibly unprofessional and quite frankly dangerous because it makes people break ranks and disobey orders – never a good thing in a military situation, where discipline means the difference between victory and defeat. And, y’know, not dying.
Now we go to Belial, who’s busy feeling sorry for Axis and Faraday and their “pain”, because of their Tragic Romance we’re all so very invested in. He wonders why some people “let themselves love and suffer to this degree”.
Author reeeaaally wants us to believe this is a) an actual romance, and b) a grand tragedy.
It’s still not working.
We now to go Axis, who as usual is in a bad mood, and wondering when the enemy will finally storm the fort. We’re informed that since he got out of the… whatever stands in for a hospital here – he’s been “almost impossible to be around”. How is this any different from how he usually is? Belial apparently yelled at him in private about how it’s Not His Fault they lost the battle, to which Axis responded with a sulky remark which almost led Belial to thump him one. Sadly this didn’t actually happen.
Returning to the present moment, the guys are surprised when a trio of Icarii show up. One of them addresses Axis as “StarMan”, then introduces himself as “Crest-Leader HoverEye BlackWing”. And just when I thought the names couldn’t possibly get any more ridiculous, they do. The other two are FreeFall and SpikeFeather. Axis introduces his guys in return, and the three of them all but drool over how beautiful and amazing and wonderful the Icarii are. Including Margarita, who might I add doesn’t know about the whole Icarii Are Good thing. And is supposed to be straight.(It's always amusing when an author writing someone of the opposite sex accidentally makes the character look gay by forgetting to separate who the author finds attractive from who the character is likely to find attractive).
Cut to the Icarii POV, and they’re all drooling over Axis in return. FreeFall greets him as a cousin and says StarDrifter and Rivkah say hi. Axis is all “ZOMG my mum is alive?” and FreeFall is all like “YA DUDE AND THEY THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD BUT NOW THEY KNOW YOU’RE NOT THEY’D TOTALLY LOVE TO MEET YOU”. Axis is is all “ZOMG I have parents after all and they wuv me” and FreeFall is all like “YA DUDE U GOT A SISTER TOO, BRO”, and welcomes him into the House of SunSoar.
Axis rather rudely, if correctly, tells FreeFall he has a ridiculous name. Is the author becoming self-aware at last, or is this meant to be a joke? FreeFall answers that “Axis” is also an odd name. The word you’re looking for here is “moronic”, FreeFall.
Belial makes an unfunny joke about how he hopes EvenSong doesn’t have Axis’ temper and FreeFall says she totally does have a bad temper, and Belial makes another unfunny joke about how FreeFall has his “condolences” since he himself has put up with Axis’ temper for years and he can’t imagine what that must be like in a woman.
Because women suck, amirite? Seriously, though, I’m so, so sick of the old “it’s not okay for a woman to lose her temper” (or worse "it's adorable when a woman is angry!") bullshit. It’s so stupid. Not to mention demeaning as hell.
HoverEye tells Axis it’s Totally Not His Fault about the whole getting his arse kicked by Skraelings thing, and admits they sucked at it too and it took Azhure to show them the way. He says they want Axis’ help with military command and in return they’ll help out here.
FreeFall tells Axis “You must be with your father if you are to reach your full power!”, which is another particularly heinous example of bad dialogue. He asks Axis if he knows who he is and Axis proclaims that he’s Axis SunSoar of the House of SunSoar, etc., in a moment that was presumably supposed to be grand and inspiring.
Unfortunately, at this point Borneheld shows up with a bunch of his cronies and demands to know what the fresh hell is going on. Margarita says they’re here to help, but Borneheld just makes fun of the Icarii, saying they’re too “pretty” for people to be scared of them, and he’d like to put them in a cage and make them sing for him. Which is actually a pretty amusing put-down, but of course everyone’s all OMG shocked at the rudeness. Axis says they need these guys to help them, and FreeFall is all “How could Rivkah have a kid who’s mean?” (Unlike Axis, who is just such a nice guy).
Borneheld, acting as a person actually would act when confronted with something they’ve been taught to hate their entire lives, tells them to fuck off and says he’s gonna deal with this himself and he’s not making any deals with monsters.
See, this is why he’s evil. Unlike everyone else he doesn’t just magically get over lifelong prejudices the moment it becomes inconvenient. Roland points out that the Prophecy says they have to team up with the Icarii, and Borneheld loses his rag and stabs the shit out of FreeFall. Oe noes!
Faraday, watching, screams and then decides that now her “dislike and fear of Borneheld” has just hardened into “contempt and hate”. Feeeel the raw emotion! FreeFall collapses into Axis’ arms, and despite having been just stabbed through the heart he manages to share some Famous Last Words, telling him to go see the Ferryman, “learn the secrets and the mysteries of the waterways” and somehow or other bring FreeFall “home to EvenSong”.
Then he dies.
Funny – in this world getting stabbed in the guts or having an impromptu caesarean causes instant death. But copping a sword through the ribcage doesn’t? Ah, but you see Hagen and Gorgrael’s Mum weren’t important, and FreeFall supposedly is even though we barely know the guy and haven’t so much as seen him talk to EvenSong, the supposed love of his life.
So I really don’t care that he just snuffed it.
The author helpfully informs us that by dying, FreeFall gives Axis a motive to seize the throne, because if Borneheld and Priam won’t ally with the Icarii/Avar, then fuck it- he’ll just have to become King. Which we all know he will, because when the choice is between a nonentity, a “bad guy” and a Sue, do you really think the nonentity or the “bad guy” is gonna come out on top?
Belial, who must have ridiculously fast reflexes, grabs HoverEye before FreeFall has even finished FreeFalling, and whispers that he’ll get Axis to the mountains tonight and can they meet him there. HoverEye nods, and Belial tells him to make like the wind and blow. The two “birdmen” fly off, and Borneheld wipes his sword on FreeFall’s “soft white feathers”, just to emphasise that his death is, like, really tragic and stuff, before declaring that he’ll let Axis live for the time being. Axis dearly wants to “wipe this piece of filth from the face of the earth”, but stops himself because “Borneheld must live to save Faraday”. And that makes absolutely no sense – why don’t you just take her with you?
He makes a little speech instead, saying how one day he’ll kill Borneheld to avenge FreeFall – aka the guy he just met – and take the throne. For some reason Borneheld gets scared instead of laughing in his face or, better still, giving him a little push off the roof. Instead he just has Axis arrested for being half Icarii and declares that he’ll be executed in the morning.
Thereby giving him ample opportunity to escape/be rescued.
The people in this book are too stupid to live.
Belial and Margarita stay behind while Axis is hauled away, hopefully forever, and Margarita basically says “hey, let’s commit treason and let that jackass go free, you up for it?”, which Belial accepts. Then Belial says they should give FreeFall an honourable funeral. Y’know, the guy they just met. Seems legit.
The author, by the way, will continue to make a big screaming deal about FreeFall’s death. This despite the fact that he’s a minor character nobody cares about. From the way everyone’s carrying on right now you’d think the guy had been a major character who had met a big dramatic end in a climactic battle after a well-developed, gripping romance had been established between him and EvenSong. Instead of which he’s just a glorified messenger boy who died as abruptly as he was introduced. No, being related to Axis doesn’t count. No, being pretty doesn’t count either. This bit could have worked if the stiff was someone actually important, such as Axis’ mother. And then Borneheld would actually look evil for killing his own mum.
Instead of which he just killed some random guy who – again – was a member of a race he’d been taught was literally the Devil since the cradle.
Somehow this really isn’t cutting it “OMG he just crossed the line!”-wise.
The next chapter cuts to Axis sitting in your standard issue dungeon (it’s even described as “dark” and “dank” because of course it is), but he’s not too upset because he’s too busy being pissed about FreeFall’s very important death.
Somehow, this really isn’t cutting it “OMG now the hero has a reason to fight!”-wise.
Upstairs Belial is arguing with Borneheld, saying they can’t hold much longer and really need to start thinking about a retreat to Ichtar. Borneheld, not being completely stupid (honestly, he’s only an idiot when it comes to Axis, and I blame the author for that), agrees with him because it’s best to preserve as much of the army as possible. Belial adds that in order to make the evacuation work, they need to lure the Skraelings away from Gherkinfort. He nominates the AW but adds that Axis needs to be in charge of them because they won’t follow anyone else. Jorge points out that this will be a suicide mission, and Belial is like “yeah, totally”, while secretly thinking that in fact a bunch of Borneheld’s guys including Margarita are going to ditch Borneheld and go with Axis too, thereby doubling his numbers.
This is how a professional soldier acts, apparently. Don’t like your commander? Wish he’d pay more attention to some random annoying Prophecy he has no reason to take seriously? Just fuck off and join someone else! Even if that someone is a suspected half demon traitor who’s currently under arrest! What’s the worst that could happen? Does the author with her PhD in Medieval History not realise what a huge deal treason was in Ye Medieval Times? What’s the King gonna do to you guys when he finds out about the stunt you pulled? Because the phrase “mass execution” is currently bouncing around my mind, and for damn good reason.
Borneheld asks Timozel what he thinks, and Timozel says great idea – let the AW and Axis get killed, suits me fine. Geez, don’t you have friends in the AW, Timozel? Apparently they don’t matter to him in the slightest. What an asshole.
Borneheld decides to go with Belial’s suggestion, and he wants Axis right at the front. Woo.
Cut to Belial and Margarita getting ready to go. Faraday is with them, carrying her fancy new dress. She’s going to give them some magical protection, apparently. She calls on the Mother’s power, which makes herorgasm “moan”, and her dress starts glowing like it’s radioactive. Once she’s cast the spell the dress stops glowing, and she gives it to them, saying to tear it up and give every AW a strip to tie around his arm, which will give protection as long as everyone prays to the Mother. Margarita, being a Good Guy, is totally okay with praying to some pagan goddess he’s never heard of. Seems legit.
Cut to Axis in his cell. Borneheld shows up looking smug like the one-dimensional villain he is, and tells him he’s gonna head out with the AW right now and it was Belial’s idea. Axis instantly cottons on that it’s a ruse of some sort and says sure, okay, and Belial lets him out and gives him a hug, saying “We ride this morning through and beyond the Skraelings into Prophecy”. This dialogue is just so natural and unforced, isn’t it?
Belial gives him his sword and axe back. Even though he lost his axe way back at the beginning of the book. Plot hole aside, why does he even bother to carry a damn great heavy weapon he never uses? It’s so stupid.
They go outside and everyone is super happy to see him, because apparently the “being arrested” thing doesn’t mean anything at all to these guys and hasn’t raised any suspicions at all. Did I mention that the people in this book are too stupid to live?
Ogden and Veremund are there on their donkeys, and Axis asks if they’re going with him or Borneheld. Ogden “sniffs” rudely at him (whatever happened to “dear one”?) and says they’re going their own way for a while. Good. Don’t come back.
Axis looks at the two idiots and thinks about how they “annoyed him” for months but now he totally trusts them. Aw. Gay.
Borneheld comes over and tells Axis he hopes he dies out there (me too), thinking he wishes he’d just had Axis “hung like a criminal”.
It’s hanged, author. Not hung. A dude’s testicles are hung. The dude himself is hanged. And I wish Borneheld had done just that and added some drawing and quartering on the side.
Axis smarmily tells him that Borneheld let him go because he knows the “entire garrison” would have rebelled. Yeah, because Axis is Just That Awesome.
He adds that he’ll be back, and I don’t think the Terminator has anything to be worried about. Once again this somehow intimidates Borneheld, because Sue.
Then Axis goes over to Timozel, who now has a “gaunt face”, and says he’s changed and Axis doesn’t like what he’s become, adding that he hopes he’ll stay loyal to Faraday. Then he suddenly grabs the guy and snarls at him to get Faraday to safety. Timozel shoves him off and basically tells him to fuck off and stop telling him how to do his job. Yeah, you tell him, Timozel. And maybe then I’ll stop picturing Timon from The Lion King every time I read your name.
Now Axis goes over to Faraday and tells her to “live”, and the two of them have a romantic moment right in front of Borneheld. Faraday is all, “eh, don’t have to pretend I like Borneheld any more”, and shares a big old kiss with him. Apparently it didn’t occur to either of them that maybe Borneheld might decide to kill her for being a cheating bitch.
Axis mounts up and calls out to the AW, but just then Margarita dramatically rides up and declares that “I ride with the StarMan!” and “Who will ride with me?”. Whereupon more than fifteen hundred guys show up to join forces with Axis and the AW.
Borneheld immediately starts throwing an epic dummy spit, cartoon villain style, screaming at Margarita about how he’s totally gonna pay for this. Margarita smugly tells him that no, Borneheld is gonna pay for murdering FreeFall, and “with that stroke you cut the ties that bound me to you” . Because of the death of some random guy Margarita didn’t know, who was a member of a race he was raised to hate and fear. This is such bullshit.
Instead Maragrita addresses Axis as “Axis SunSoar” and offers an oath of loyalty and service, which Axis accepts, thinking about how these guys are risking it all just for his Sue arse.
He addresses his followers as “my friends” (since when did he have any friends?) and asks if they’re ready, and the AW yell back that they follow his voice and are ready. It’s just as dumb as the last few times they did this. Except now they address him as “SunSoar”, which is even dumber. This causes “emotion” to nearly overwhelm Axis. What kind of emotion? I don’t know. Just “emotion”.
Axis tells Borneheld – who’s just standing there being 100% useless – that he’s going to claim his “heritage”, and when he returns Borneheld had better “’ware”. This is short for “beware”, and Douglass loves using it – after this book it starts popping up like the clap at a cheap cathouse.
Cut to the battle, and apparently everyone rides and fights “as if possessed”, (which they kind of are because the Mother is helping them) and the flaming torches they’re using now have green-tipped flames which cause any Skraeling they touch to burst into flame and instantly die. Basically the entire army is on God Mode and carrying the BFG from Doom. Somehow, this isn’t very exciting to read.
Even less exciting is the irritating infodump about how every guy there is a fanatical Axis loyalist now, because he’s just such an amazing leader (again, evidence, please).
Axis taunts the SkraeBold commanders – taunting people being one of the few things he definitely is good at – and this does the trick. All the Skraelings follow him out of Gherkintown.
This is supposed to be “exciting”, but having to type the word gherkin yet again has just left me with a craving for cheeseburgers. I’m not thinking about the battle or wondering who will survive – I’m thinking about cheeseburgers. The book really isn’t doing a good job of holding my attention.
Up on the wall, Borneheld’s pal Jorge yells that Axis has saved them all. Oops, Borneheld isn’t going to like that at all. I want a cheeseburger.
Meanwhile Axis and his own cronies see the Skraelings chasing them, and Axis is grinning with “sheer excitement”. Which is totally how a tough, hardened battle commander behaves when faced with imminent fighting, I’m sure. It’s like I’m watching a kid playing a video game. He asks his pals if they’re ready to make a stand, and everyone else is “excited” too. As opposed to scared or tense or something. Way to make totally sure there’s even less suspense in this scene than there already was. To cap it off, the author reiterates for the second time that they’re all 100% totally convinced that with Axis in charge they just plain can’t lose. Well if the characters aren’t the least bit worried, why should I be?
Still really hanging out for that cheeseburger.
The “battle” ends even more cheaply than I expected: Axis throws a torch in the air (that happens a lot in this book) and invokes the Mother, and every single Skraeling is instantly killed while Axis and his pals are left totally unscathed. Which basically means that a) the supposedly deadly, unkillable ghost army is in fact total crap, just as I warned you at the beginning, and b) Faraday just won this battle for them. Will she get any credit? Of course not. It’s all Axis, Axis, Axis. I don’t even like Faraday, but I’m still feeling sorry for her right now.
End chapter. We’re so close to the end now. Cheeseburgers… delicious cheeseburgers with lovely melted cheese and gherkin pickles…
In the next chapter Axis and his guys reach the mountains, and Belial says they won’t be following him any further because “that is for you alone”. Axis asks him where he’ll be going. Surprisingly the answer isn’t the nearest Hellpit – rather he’s going to lead the army to a place called WildDog Plains and find a safe haven. Yeah, never mind doing anything useful while Axis is in training for who knows how long – just fuck off with the bulk of the country’s (alleged) best fighting men and lie around drinking pinã coladas until the Sue comes back, and leave everyone else to get eaten alive by monsters. This is seriously the best they could come up with. Does nobody realise how incredibly selfish and irresponsible the "heroes" are being right now?
Apparently not, because everyone cheers like the sheep they are while Axis walks off toward the mountains. When he gets close enough five “Icarii birdmen” fly down to meet him. As opposed to five Icarii Bojack Horsemen (if only).
One of them is StarDrifter, who’s shirtless for no reason even though it’s, y’know, snowing. Axis recognises him right away, and there’s a big “emotional” moment in which StarDrifter… uh, feels Axis’ blood singing to him. Apparently it also “calls and screams” for him. That’s some damn noisy blood. And again, how can something with no lungs or vocal cords sing, or… make any other kind of sound for that matter? This is barely one step away from the legendar(ily stupid) talking blood from The Fifth Sorceress.
Then StarDrifter sees Axis’ BattleAxe uniform and gets angry. Axis has tears in his eyes, and StarDrifter rips the axe insignia off his “breast” and throws it away. Symbolism! Then StarDrifter speaks the “ritual words of greeting” normally used to welcome a newborn baby. Basically he just says “welcome to the family, I’m your daddy, peace out”. Axis gives him a hug and cries, and then the book just ends.
Well that was anticlimactic. This scene could have worked if Axis had had any actual character development or anything other than a few token shows of self-doubt, leading up to this, the moment when he finally sheds his office as a tool of the eeeevil human religion and embraces his heritage. Instead it’s just boring and a let-down, because of that but also because you never see Axis genuinely struggling with the idea of accepting that the Icarii aren’t evil or feeling disgusted and afraid because he’s a half-breed. Instead he just forgets about his prejudices in five minutes flat and doesn’t have so much as a thoughtless slip-up or two. And the same goes for everyone else the author wants us to think is “good”.
Prejudice is not something you can just magically forget at the flip of a switch. Even if you eventually come to see that you were wrong and X group of people isn’t really stupid/violent/criminal, the impulse remains and has to be corrected on a regular basis. Racism and bigotry are things that run very deep in the human psyche, and we’re often blissfully unaware of our own nastier biases toward certain groups of people. Here, it’s treated with as much gravity as deciding to buy a Commodore instead of a Hyundai. (Shit, freaking Zootopia handled it better than this).
So this ending just comes off as so much cheap unearned fluff. And I still don’t have that cheeseburger. I’m so hungry…
After that comes a very long, boring and entirely unnecessary “glossary” of place, character and other names. Basically it’s a mini encyclopedia no-one asked for. After that comes an author bio which says the author grew up in Adelaide, began as a nurse, and then got a PhD in “eartly modern English history” and was a Senior Lecturer in Medieval History at La Trobe University in Bendigo, then left to start an unspecified “business” in 2000.
Apparently she wrote eleven novels, three of which won the Aurealis Award for Best Fantasy (Americans – that’s a fairly prestigious Australian book award, and all the big publishers enter their latest titles). Yup, this author won three major awards for her novels, none of which were much better than this steaming pile of clichés, hateful characters, Mary Sueism and terrible worldbuilding. Further proof, if any was needed, that the publishing world has some serious problems. Problems which, unfortunately, look unlikely to be fixed any time in the foreseeable future.
I’ll at some point start sporking the sequel, Enchanter, but not right now. Right now I need some rest. Badly. And a cheeseburger.
32 comments
Anonymous
March 28 2018, 11:42:16
Congratulations on finishing the spork!
Wow, this climax is even worse than the one in Inheritance. A goddess showed up and killed the entire bad guy army! Bleh
-TTT
theepistler
March 28 2018, 12:41:56 Edited: March 29 2018, 00:15:39
Yeah, not only is it a huge Deus Ex Machina, but it exposes the utter lie that Axis is any sort of brilliant military commander. He never wins ANY of his battles using strategy or leadership - earlier on he just charged in guns blazing without a thought for what his comrades were doing, and won a "great victory" purely because the author made him magically capable of slaughtering the things single-handedly by the truckload. Here, he only wins because Faraday handed him AN UNSTOPPABLE SUPERWEAPON.
In fact, you know what? He might as well have been fighting the Skraelings all by himself for all the goddamn difference it makes. The AW and the guys who stab their own commander in the back to follow Axis are nothing but set dressing/hero accessories. They exist just to make Axis look awesome for having so many mindless adoring followers he didn't earn and doesn't deserve.
And no, Faraday - the person who actually won the climactic battle - will never get any credit for it. Nope, in the next book everyone keeps going on about how brave Axis was and how Axis won a great victory, blah blah blah. No of course he doesn't correct anybody about that, because that would mean giving him some goddamn humility. And we all know that's never going to happen. (In fact in the next book his horrible arrogant entitled attitude gets ten times WORSE).
theepistler
March 28 2018, 12:44:12 Edited: March 28 2018, 12:44:47
What a lousy book. And I didn't even get my cheeseburger! :-(
...wait. Who's that at the door?
IT'S BARRY!
Aww, you're always there when I need you, little buddy.
snarkbotanya
March 28 2018, 18:10:52
BARRY! *hugs the heron*
Need any fries to go with that cheeseburger?
theepistler
March 28 2018, 20:05:29
Sure, why not? I think I've earned it. :-D
snarkbotanya
March 28 2018, 20:23:57
*hands over a generous helping of fries*
theepistler
March 28 2018, 20:29:03
*shares with Barry*
snarkbotanya
March 28 2018, 18:34:33
Crest-Leader HoverEye BlackWing
Oh barf. I'm starting to feel like I didn't go far enough with the word smushing when I called the CAH pack "WordSmushingBonusPack of BattleAxeMockery".
The next chapter cuts to Axis sitting in your standard issue dungeon (it’s even described as “dark” and “dank” because of course it is)
It's dark and dank because Axis just smoked a whole fuckton of weed.
This causes “emotion” to nearly overwhelm Axis. What kind of emotion? I don’t know. Just “emotion”.
Must be a euphemism for how all those guys kissing his feet gave the Sue an orgasm.
To cap it off, the author reiterates for the second time that they’re all 100% totally convinced that with Axis in charge they just plain can’t lose.
The only time an author should have their characters being that convinced that with X on their side, they just can't lose is when they are about to be proven wrong.
theepistler
March 28 108, 23:08:58 Edited: March 28 2018, 23:15:09
Oh barf. I'm starting to feel like I didn't go far enough with the word smushing when I called the CAH pack "WordSmushingBonusPack of
BattleAxeMockery".
Just when you think Sara Douglass has come up with the most absurd name ever, she proves you wrong. Never ever assume she's reached her peak in that department. If I were the Nostalgia Critic I'd say something like "What's next - a character called PREENDEEP?", and then stare at the camera in slackjawed horror when "PreenDeep" actually shows up.
(In case you haven't been keeping up with the spork, yes there is a character named PreenDeep. No I'm not kidding).
It's dark and dank because Axis just smoked a whole fuckton of weed.
Must be a euphemism for how all those guys kissing his feet gave the Sue an orgasm.
Yeah, that Power Boner must be reeaaally throbbing right now. No I am not going to photoshop that as well. Use your imagination.
The only time an author should have their characters being that convinced that with X on their side, they just can't lose is when they are about to be proven wrong.
Overconfidence should always be punished in fiction. Atheist I may be, but I'm quite fond of the Biblical quote "A haughty spirit goeth before the fall".
snarkbotanya
March 29 2018, 05:53:05
LOL, that "420 blaze it" Axis photoshop just made my day.
theepistler
March 29 2018, 10:18:24
I got this mental image and I just HAD to make it a reality. I admit it - I laughed too when I saw the results. XD
thegharialguy
March 30 2018, 20:21:21
Is it just me, or those he actually look really freaking cool? Like...unironically.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 20:27:44
LOL!
I guess the douchey expression does go quite well with the sunglasses. :-p
theepistler
March 30 2018, 17:11:04
The only time an author should have their characters being that convinced that with X on their side, they just can't lose is when they are about to be proven wrong.
Actually, you know what? In Harry Potter when Hagrid says that as long as they've got Dumbledore on their side he's "not too worried", I instantly knew that Dumbledore was going to die.
snarkbotanya
March 30 2018, 20:20:46
Damn, really? I guess my Trope Sense had not yet developed enough for that when I first read the Harry Potter books... but then, now that I look over them, it does seem fairly obvious. Dumbledore was the kind of character who assures the main character's safety for a time, but eventually needs to be pushed aside to allow greater threats to and character development for said main character. Often, the character who fits into this role is the mentor, hence Mentor Occupational Hazard; however, the role can vary a bit.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 21:25:45
I was predicting he was going to die years in advance, because of that but also because I had noticed how often Wise Old Mentors die in fiction. It was one of my earliest moments of Trope Spotting. These days, unfortunately, I'm so good at it that I can predict how pretty much every book I pick up is going to end. And if that sounds smug, bear in mind that it's pretty much ruined reading fiction for me, so I'm not actually all that happy about it. I prefer to read nonfiction nowadays, because real life is a lot harder to predict.
snarkbotanya
March 30 2018, 22:19:43
I have something similar... though in my case, it hasn't really ruined fiction, because I'm the kind of person who gets a bit of a thrill from having totally called x or y plot twist.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 22:26:05
I guess I'm just old and jaded. :-p
thegharialguy
March 29 2018, 02:15:24
Because women suck, amirite? Seriously, though, I’m so, so sick of the old “it’s not okay for a woman to lose her temper” (or worse "it's adorable when a woman is angry!") bullshit. It’s so stupid. Not to mention demeaning as hell.
Calm down ther epistler. It's not okay for a woman to lose her temper. #joke
Seriously though, I did drop this spork because it was just a bunch of names that I couldn't at all match to any personalities. I decided to jump on to see what the stories like at the end and I couldn't get past this line since there's literally nothing evoking my interest. At least the Dragon Temple saga was captivating in how bad it was. This is just so bad it's boring.
theepistler
March 29 2018, 09:57:58
Calm down ther epistler. It's not okay for a woman to lose her temper. #joke
Why you chauvinist tool of the patriarchy! Don't make me slap you ineffectually! #joke
At least the Dragon Temple saga was captivating in how bad it was. This is just so bad it's boring.
Don't blame you. I regretted sporking this because it's just so dull and generic and there's really nothing that memorably bad or ridiculous about it other than the names. See, the problem is that I read the entire trilogy back in the day but I blanked out the boring stuff and only remembered the hilariously insane stuff.
Unfortunately this meant I forgot that said insane stuff doesn't show up until the sequels. You know how some people try to get you to keep reading a boring series by saying stuff like "after the first 1,000 pages, it gets really good!"? Yeah, this is a case of that. It's a horrible trilogy, but to begin with it's just forgettable. The true pits of horror don't show up until book two. Which I've already started sporking, because I am not the sort of person who learns from her mistakes, apparently.
With that said, however, when it gets hysterically awful it REALLY gets hysterically awful.
thegharialguy
March 29 2018, 10:09:45
I'll give the second installment a chance when it comes along then.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 17:48:59
In the next book, some of the characters sit on a modern-day asphalt highway with electric lighting and eat raisin cookies.
No I am not making that up. It happened.
I swear, it's like the author started doing crack between books. Or was replaced with a space alien.
torylltales
March 30 2018, 16:58:28 Edited: March 30 2018, 16:59:00
Like gharigal, I stopped properly following this after the first few chapters because there was just so little going on, none of the names had personalities attached to them, and I could never think of anything to say in comments anyway.
I am impressed that you stuck with it all the way through, though. Hats off to you.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 17:14:06
Well, at least I successfully got it across to everyone just how dull and uneventful this book is. Seriously, what is it with fantasy and dictionary-sized books in which nothing fucking happens? It's like certain authors believe in literary homeopathy - the more you dilute the exciting action, the more effective it is!
torylltales
March 30 2018, 21:50:47 Edited: March 30 2018, 21:52:15
authors get so excited about their worldbuilding that they forget that stories are about:
In that order, not just the last one by itself.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 22:34:39
Unfortunately, yes. Me, I've always put character and story first and treated the setting as, well, a backdrop. Which in my opinion is how it should be, but maybe that's just me.
cmdrnemo
March 29 2018, 03:27:14
It's not often I bother with the glossary at the end of the book. Anything I can't grok the meaning of in context I'll have long forgotten by the time I've finished. But, I do like the one in 1984. Because it describes Newspeak and all the nations in the book in the past tense. Where the message of the story is "all hope is lost" the message of the glossary is "all tyrants will fall."
If your story needs a glossary you might as well use it to do something. There's no reason any part of a novel should be textbook dry.
Anonymous
March 29 2018, 03:31:45
Plus Newspeak is really cool and thought provoking.
-TTT
theepistler
March 29 2018, 10:05:36
And really well put together as well. It's a sadly rare example of a conlang that you can understand without needing a dictionary, just by the context it's used in.
theepistler
March 29 2018, 10:07:51
Yeah, I have NO idea why they added a glossary/encyclopedia to this thing. It's ridiculously unnecessary. There's not even any made-up languages in the trilogy. And thank goodness for that - given how badly this book was written, I can't imagine how much Ms Douglass would have bollocksed that up as
well.
ghostwyvern
March 30 2018, 06:43:35
For what it's worth, I've enjoyed reading the sporkings. I've tried to comment on them, but honestly you've covered them well and I don't think there's much else to say. Maybe if I'd read the book too, I would have had more to add...
But yes, like others who have followed along, I can tell that not a lot happens in this book up until the end of it. That's obviously not the best way to write a book--and if you want to avoid writing about wars, just... don't write about wars? Because it's kind of silly to kill the entire enemy army with a wave of your protagonist's hand...
theepistler
March 30 2018, 15:42:45 Edited: March 30 2018, 17:53:06
It's good to know that at least one person was still reading. :-)
You're completely right about the army being unnecessary. Honestly, every army in this series is basically just set dressing. None of Axis' ridiculously obsessive followers have any character development or motivation other than "agree with whatever Axis does no matter what and cheer ecstatically every time he so much as blows his nose". They never do anything useful or relevant. In the end, Axis being a military commander is just another accessory/Sue quota attribute. I mean, you can be a Chosen One and save the world without being a Great Leader(tm) with lots of loyal followers. Harry Potter managed it with just a couple of loyal friends. Axis could just as easily have gone off and done all the save-the-world stuff by himself instead of pretending "amazing" military leadership had anything to do with it.
But for whatever reason the author seems to have this obsession with Axis being in charge of everyone and everything, and it becomes a lot more obvious in the sequel, where he becomes fixated on seizing not one but TWO different thrones, and acts like this is his due and is somehow necessary to Save The World (tm). And no matter how many unearned important positions/superpowers/fanatically loyal followers he gets, he STILL whines about how it's not enough. This results in the "story" basically becoming an extremely tiresome escalation of power for the supposed hero and his equally obnoxious love interest.
The kicker? Most of it is never used for anything relevant anyway. This is what happens when, Paolini-like, the author mistakes giving the hero more powers for character development and plot progression. It's so stupid.
The chapter opens with Axis and his pals standing on the roof of the fort, which has apparently now been under siege for two weeks. Axis is still weak but recovering, and knows that somehow Faraday healed him. For some damn reason Borneheld, despite also being aware of this, doesn’t find it at all suspicious and is just pissed off about it. We’re again reminded that Faraday has to keep him happy, because “he could still kill Axis in a fit of jealous rage”.
I’ve already been over how this is completely absurd.
Axis is pissed at Margarita for letting Faraday take the blame for the gate opening thing, but Margarita doesn’t care because despite being Borneheld’s right hand man for years, the senior commander in charge of Gherkinfort and so on, now he’s totally loyal to Axis instead. Because when the Sue calls, lifelong loyalties mean precisely jack and shit. Resident military man kris_norge would take an extremely dim view of this sort of behaviour. A good soldier, as he once told me, does not change loyalties and essentially betray his commanding officer just because some other jerk comes along who he likes better. It’s incredibly unprofessional and quite frankly dangerous because it makes people break ranks and disobey orders – never a good thing in a military situation, where discipline means the difference between victory and defeat. And, y’know, not dying.
Now we go to Belial, who’s busy feeling sorry for Axis and Faraday and their “pain”, because of their Tragic Romance we’re all so very invested in. He wonders why some people “let themselves love and suffer to this degree”.
Author reeeaaally wants us to believe this is a) an actual romance, and b) a grand tragedy.
It’s still not working.
We now to go Axis, who as usual is in a bad mood, and wondering when the enemy will finally storm the fort. We’re informed that since he got out of the… whatever stands in for a hospital here – he’s been “almost impossible to be around”. How is this any different from how he usually is? Belial apparently yelled at him in private about how it’s Not His Fault they lost the battle, to which Axis responded with a sulky remark which almost led Belial to thump him one. Sadly this didn’t actually happen.
Returning to the present moment, the guys are surprised when a trio of Icarii show up. One of them addresses Axis as “StarMan”, then introduces himself as “Crest-Leader HoverEye BlackWing”. And just when I thought the names couldn’t possibly get any more ridiculous, they do. The other two are FreeFall and SpikeFeather. Axis introduces his guys in return, and the three of them all but drool over how beautiful and amazing and wonderful the Icarii are. Including Margarita, who might I add doesn’t know about the whole Icarii Are Good thing. And is supposed to be straight.(It's always amusing when an author writing someone of the opposite sex accidentally makes the character look gay by forgetting to separate who the author finds attractive from who the character is likely to find attractive).
Cut to the Icarii POV, and they’re all drooling over Axis in return. FreeFall greets him as a cousin and says StarDrifter and Rivkah say hi. Axis is all “ZOMG my mum is alive?” and FreeFall is all like “YA DUDE AND THEY THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD BUT NOW THEY KNOW YOU’RE NOT THEY’D TOTALLY LOVE TO MEET YOU”. Axis is is all “ZOMG I have parents after all and they wuv me” and FreeFall is all like “YA DUDE U GOT A SISTER TOO, BRO”, and welcomes him into the House of SunSoar.
Axis rather rudely, if correctly, tells FreeFall he has a ridiculous name. Is the author becoming self-aware at last, or is this meant to be a joke? FreeFall answers that “Axis” is also an odd name. The word you’re looking for here is “moronic”, FreeFall.
Belial makes an unfunny joke about how he hopes EvenSong doesn’t have Axis’ temper and FreeFall says she totally does have a bad temper, and Belial makes another unfunny joke about how FreeFall has his “condolences” since he himself has put up with Axis’ temper for years and he can’t imagine what that must be like in a woman.
Because women suck, amirite? Seriously, though, I’m so, so sick of the old “it’s not okay for a woman to lose her temper” (or worse "it's adorable when a woman is angry!") bullshit. It’s so stupid. Not to mention demeaning as hell.
HoverEye tells Axis it’s Totally Not His Fault about the whole getting his arse kicked by Skraelings thing, and admits they sucked at it too and it took Azhure to show them the way. He says they want Axis’ help with military command and in return they’ll help out here.
FreeFall tells Axis “You must be with your father if you are to reach your full power!”, which is another particularly heinous example of bad dialogue. He asks Axis if he knows who he is and Axis proclaims that he’s Axis SunSoar of the House of SunSoar, etc., in a moment that was presumably supposed to be grand and inspiring.
Unfortunately, at this point Borneheld shows up with a bunch of his cronies and demands to know what the fresh hell is going on. Margarita says they’re here to help, but Borneheld just makes fun of the Icarii, saying they’re too “pretty” for people to be scared of them, and he’d like to put them in a cage and make them sing for him. Which is actually a pretty amusing put-down, but of course everyone’s all OMG shocked at the rudeness. Axis says they need these guys to help them, and FreeFall is all “How could Rivkah have a kid who’s mean?” (Unlike Axis, who is just such a nice guy).
Borneheld, acting as a person actually would act when confronted with something they’ve been taught to hate their entire lives, tells them to fuck off and says he’s gonna deal with this himself and he’s not making any deals with monsters.
See, this is why he’s evil. Unlike everyone else he doesn’t just magically get over lifelong prejudices the moment it becomes inconvenient. Roland points out that the Prophecy says they have to team up with the Icarii, and Borneheld loses his rag and stabs the shit out of FreeFall. Oe noes!
Faraday, watching, screams and then decides that now her “dislike and fear of Borneheld” has just hardened into “contempt and hate”. Feeeel the raw emotion! FreeFall collapses into Axis’ arms, and despite having been just stabbed through the heart he manages to share some Famous Last Words, telling him to go see the Ferryman, “learn the secrets and the mysteries of the waterways” and somehow or other bring FreeFall “home to EvenSong”.
Then he dies.
Funny – in this world getting stabbed in the guts or having an impromptu caesarean causes instant death. But copping a sword through the ribcage doesn’t? Ah, but you see Hagen and Gorgrael’s Mum weren’t important, and FreeFall supposedly is even though we barely know the guy and haven’t so much as seen him talk to EvenSong, the supposed love of his life.
So I really don’t care that he just snuffed it.
The author helpfully informs us that by dying, FreeFall gives Axis a motive to seize the throne, because if Borneheld and Priam won’t ally with the Icarii/Avar, then fuck it- he’ll just have to become King. Which we all know he will, because when the choice is between a nonentity, a “bad guy” and a Sue, do you really think the nonentity or the “bad guy” is gonna come out on top?
Belial, who must have ridiculously fast reflexes, grabs HoverEye before FreeFall has even finished FreeFalling, and whispers that he’ll get Axis to the mountains tonight and can they meet him there. HoverEye nods, and Belial tells him to make like the wind and blow. The two “birdmen” fly off, and Borneheld wipes his sword on FreeFall’s “soft white feathers”, just to emphasise that his death is, like, really tragic and stuff, before declaring that he’ll let Axis live for the time being. Axis dearly wants to “wipe this piece of filth from the face of the earth”, but stops himself because “Borneheld must live to save Faraday”. And that makes absolutely no sense – why don’t you just take her with you?
He makes a little speech instead, saying how one day he’ll kill Borneheld to avenge FreeFall – aka the guy he just met – and take the throne. For some reason Borneheld gets scared instead of laughing in his face or, better still, giving him a little push off the roof. Instead he just has Axis arrested for being half Icarii and declares that he’ll be executed in the morning.
Thereby giving him ample opportunity to escape/be rescued.
The people in this book are too stupid to live.
Belial and Margarita stay behind while Axis is hauled away, hopefully forever, and Margarita basically says “hey, let’s commit treason and let that jackass go free, you up for it?”, which Belial accepts. Then Belial says they should give FreeFall an honourable funeral. Y’know, the guy they just met. Seems legit.
The author, by the way, will continue to make a big screaming deal about FreeFall’s death. This despite the fact that he’s a minor character nobody cares about. From the way everyone’s carrying on right now you’d think the guy had been a major character who had met a big dramatic end in a climactic battle after a well-developed, gripping romance had been established between him and EvenSong. Instead of which he’s just a glorified messenger boy who died as abruptly as he was introduced. No, being related to Axis doesn’t count. No, being pretty doesn’t count either. This bit could have worked if the stiff was someone actually important, such as Axis’ mother. And then Borneheld would actually look evil for killing his own mum.
Instead of which he just killed some random guy who – again – was a member of a race he’d been taught was literally the Devil since the cradle.
Somehow this really isn’t cutting it “OMG he just crossed the line!”-wise.
The next chapter cuts to Axis sitting in your standard issue dungeon (it’s even described as “dark” and “dank” because of course it is), but he’s not too upset because he’s too busy being pissed about FreeFall’s very important death.
Somehow, this really isn’t cutting it “OMG now the hero has a reason to fight!”-wise.
Upstairs Belial is arguing with Borneheld, saying they can’t hold much longer and really need to start thinking about a retreat to Ichtar. Borneheld, not being completely stupid (honestly, he’s only an idiot when it comes to Axis, and I blame the author for that), agrees with him because it’s best to preserve as much of the army as possible. Belial adds that in order to make the evacuation work, they need to lure the Skraelings away from Gherkinfort. He nominates the AW but adds that Axis needs to be in charge of them because they won’t follow anyone else. Jorge points out that this will be a suicide mission, and Belial is like “yeah, totally”, while secretly thinking that in fact a bunch of Borneheld’s guys including Margarita are going to ditch Borneheld and go with Axis too, thereby doubling his numbers.
This is how a professional soldier acts, apparently. Don’t like your commander? Wish he’d pay more attention to some random annoying Prophecy he has no reason to take seriously? Just fuck off and join someone else! Even if that someone is a suspected half demon traitor who’s currently under arrest! What’s the worst that could happen? Does the author with her PhD in Medieval History not realise what a huge deal treason was in Ye Medieval Times? What’s the King gonna do to you guys when he finds out about the stunt you pulled? Because the phrase “mass execution” is currently bouncing around my mind, and for damn good reason.
Borneheld asks Timozel what he thinks, and Timozel says great idea – let the AW and Axis get killed, suits me fine. Geez, don’t you have friends in the AW, Timozel? Apparently they don’t matter to him in the slightest. What an asshole.
Borneheld decides to go with Belial’s suggestion, and he wants Axis right at the front. Woo.
Cut to Belial and Margarita getting ready to go. Faraday is with them, carrying her fancy new dress. She’s going to give them some magical protection, apparently. She calls on the Mother’s power, which makes her
Cut to Axis in his cell. Borneheld shows up looking smug like the one-dimensional villain he is, and tells him he’s gonna head out with the AW right now and it was Belial’s idea. Axis instantly cottons on that it’s a ruse of some sort and says sure, okay, and Belial lets him out and gives him a hug, saying “We ride this morning through and beyond the Skraelings into Prophecy”. This dialogue is just so natural and unforced, isn’t it?
Belial gives him his sword and axe back. Even though he lost his axe way back at the beginning of the book. Plot hole aside, why does he even bother to carry a damn great heavy weapon he never uses? It’s so stupid.
They go outside and everyone is super happy to see him, because apparently the “being arrested” thing doesn’t mean anything at all to these guys and hasn’t raised any suspicions at all. Did I mention that the people in this book are too stupid to live?
Ogden and Veremund are there on their donkeys, and Axis asks if they’re going with him or Borneheld. Ogden “sniffs” rudely at him (whatever happened to “dear one”?) and says they’re going their own way for a while. Good. Don’t come back.
Axis looks at the two idiots and thinks about how they “annoyed him” for months but now he totally trusts them. Aw. Gay.
Borneheld comes over and tells Axis he hopes he dies out there (me too), thinking he wishes he’d just had Axis “hung like a criminal”.
It’s hanged, author. Not hung. A dude’s testicles are hung. The dude himself is hanged. And I wish Borneheld had done just that and added some drawing and quartering on the side.
Axis smarmily tells him that Borneheld let him go because he knows the “entire garrison” would have rebelled. Yeah, because Axis is Just That Awesome.
He adds that he’ll be back, and I don’t think the Terminator has anything to be worried about. Once again this somehow intimidates Borneheld, because Sue.
Then Axis goes over to Timozel, who now has a “gaunt face”, and says he’s changed and Axis doesn’t like what he’s become, adding that he hopes he’ll stay loyal to Faraday. Then he suddenly grabs the guy and snarls at him to get Faraday to safety. Timozel shoves him off and basically tells him to fuck off and stop telling him how to do his job. Yeah, you tell him, Timozel. And maybe then I’ll stop picturing Timon from The Lion King every time I read your name.
Now Axis goes over to Faraday and tells her to “live”, and the two of them have a romantic moment right in front of Borneheld. Faraday is all, “eh, don’t have to pretend I like Borneheld any more”, and shares a big old kiss with him. Apparently it didn’t occur to either of them that maybe Borneheld might decide to kill her for being a cheating bitch.
Axis mounts up and calls out to the AW, but just then Margarita dramatically rides up and declares that “I ride with the StarMan!” and “Who will ride with me?”. Whereupon more than fifteen hundred guys show up to join forces with Axis and the AW.
Borneheld immediately starts throwing an epic dummy spit, cartoon villain style, screaming at Margarita about how he’s totally gonna pay for this. Margarita smugly tells him that no, Borneheld is gonna pay for murdering FreeFall, and “with that stroke you cut the ties that bound me to you” . Because of the death of some random guy Margarita didn’t know, who was a member of a race he was raised to hate and fear. This is such bullshit.
Instead Maragrita addresses Axis as “Axis SunSoar” and offers an oath of loyalty and service, which Axis accepts, thinking about how these guys are risking it all just for his Sue arse.
He addresses his followers as “my friends” (since when did he have any friends?) and asks if they’re ready, and the AW yell back that they follow his voice and are ready. It’s just as dumb as the last few times they did this. Except now they address him as “SunSoar”, which is even dumber. This causes “emotion” to nearly overwhelm Axis. What kind of emotion? I don’t know. Just “emotion”.
Axis tells Borneheld – who’s just standing there being 100% useless – that he’s going to claim his “heritage”, and when he returns Borneheld had better “’ware”. This is short for “beware”, and Douglass loves using it – after this book it starts popping up like the clap at a cheap cathouse.
Cut to the battle, and apparently everyone rides and fights “as if possessed”, (which they kind of are because the Mother is helping them) and the flaming torches they’re using now have green-tipped flames which cause any Skraeling they touch to burst into flame and instantly die. Basically the entire army is on God Mode and carrying the BFG from Doom. Somehow, this isn’t very exciting to read.
Even less exciting is the irritating infodump about how every guy there is a fanatical Axis loyalist now, because he’s just such an amazing leader (again, evidence, please).
Axis taunts the SkraeBold commanders – taunting people being one of the few things he definitely is good at – and this does the trick. All the Skraelings follow him out of Gherkintown.
This is supposed to be “exciting”, but having to type the word gherkin yet again has just left me with a craving for cheeseburgers. I’m not thinking about the battle or wondering who will survive – I’m thinking about cheeseburgers. The book really isn’t doing a good job of holding my attention.
Up on the wall, Borneheld’s pal Jorge yells that Axis has saved them all. Oops, Borneheld isn’t going to like that at all. I want a cheeseburger.
Meanwhile Axis and his own cronies see the Skraelings chasing them, and Axis is grinning with “sheer excitement”. Which is totally how a tough, hardened battle commander behaves when faced with imminent fighting, I’m sure. It’s like I’m watching a kid playing a video game. He asks his pals if they’re ready to make a stand, and everyone else is “excited” too. As opposed to scared or tense or something. Way to make totally sure there’s even less suspense in this scene than there already was. To cap it off, the author reiterates for the second time that they’re all 100% totally convinced that with Axis in charge they just plain can’t lose. Well if the characters aren’t the least bit worried, why should I be?
Still really hanging out for that cheeseburger.
The “battle” ends even more cheaply than I expected: Axis throws a torch in the air (that happens a lot in this book) and invokes the Mother, and every single Skraeling is instantly killed while Axis and his pals are left totally unscathed. Which basically means that a) the supposedly deadly, unkillable ghost army is in fact total crap, just as I warned you at the beginning, and b) Faraday just won this battle for them. Will she get any credit? Of course not. It’s all Axis, Axis, Axis. I don’t even like Faraday, but I’m still feeling sorry for her right now.
End chapter. We’re so close to the end now. Cheeseburgers… delicious cheeseburgers with lovely melted cheese and gherkin pickles…
In the next chapter Axis and his guys reach the mountains, and Belial says they won’t be following him any further because “that is for you alone”. Axis asks him where he’ll be going. Surprisingly the answer isn’t the nearest Hellpit – rather he’s going to lead the army to a place called WildDog Plains and find a safe haven. Yeah, never mind doing anything useful while Axis is in training for who knows how long – just fuck off with the bulk of the country’s (alleged) best fighting men and lie around drinking pinã coladas until the Sue comes back, and leave everyone else to get eaten alive by monsters. This is seriously the best they could come up with. Does nobody realise how incredibly selfish and irresponsible the "heroes" are being right now?
Apparently not, because everyone cheers like the sheep they are while Axis walks off toward the mountains. When he gets close enough five “Icarii birdmen” fly down to meet him. As opposed to five Icarii Bojack Horsemen (if only).
One of them is StarDrifter, who’s shirtless for no reason even though it’s, y’know, snowing. Axis recognises him right away, and there’s a big “emotional” moment in which StarDrifter… uh, feels Axis’ blood singing to him. Apparently it also “calls and screams” for him. That’s some damn noisy blood. And again, how can something with no lungs or vocal cords sing, or… make any other kind of sound for that matter? This is barely one step away from the legendar(ily stupid) talking blood from The Fifth Sorceress.
Then StarDrifter sees Axis’ BattleAxe uniform and gets angry. Axis has tears in his eyes, and StarDrifter rips the axe insignia off his “breast” and throws it away. Symbolism! Then StarDrifter speaks the “ritual words of greeting” normally used to welcome a newborn baby. Basically he just says “welcome to the family, I’m your daddy, peace out”. Axis gives him a hug and cries, and then the book just ends.
Well that was anticlimactic. This scene could have worked if Axis had had any actual character development or anything other than a few token shows of self-doubt, leading up to this, the moment when he finally sheds his office as a tool of the eeeevil human religion and embraces his heritage. Instead it’s just boring and a let-down, because of that but also because you never see Axis genuinely struggling with the idea of accepting that the Icarii aren’t evil or feeling disgusted and afraid because he’s a half-breed. Instead he just forgets about his prejudices in five minutes flat and doesn’t have so much as a thoughtless slip-up or two. And the same goes for everyone else the author wants us to think is “good”.
Prejudice is not something you can just magically forget at the flip of a switch. Even if you eventually come to see that you were wrong and X group of people isn’t really stupid/violent/criminal, the impulse remains and has to be corrected on a regular basis. Racism and bigotry are things that run very deep in the human psyche, and we’re often blissfully unaware of our own nastier biases toward certain groups of people. Here, it’s treated with as much gravity as deciding to buy a Commodore instead of a Hyundai. (Shit, freaking Zootopia handled it better than this).
So this ending just comes off as so much cheap unearned fluff. And I still don’t have that cheeseburger. I’m so hungry…
After that comes a very long, boring and entirely unnecessary “glossary” of place, character and other names. Basically it’s a mini encyclopedia no-one asked for. After that comes an author bio which says the author grew up in Adelaide, began as a nurse, and then got a PhD in “eartly modern English history” and was a Senior Lecturer in Medieval History at La Trobe University in Bendigo, then left to start an unspecified “business” in 2000.
Apparently she wrote eleven novels, three of which won the Aurealis Award for Best Fantasy (Americans – that’s a fairly prestigious Australian book award, and all the big publishers enter their latest titles). Yup, this author won three major awards for her novels, none of which were much better than this steaming pile of clichés, hateful characters, Mary Sueism and terrible worldbuilding. Further proof, if any was needed, that the publishing world has some serious problems. Problems which, unfortunately, look unlikely to be fixed any time in the foreseeable future.
I’ll at some point start sporking the sequel, Enchanter, but not right now. Right now I need some rest. Badly. And a cheeseburger.
32 comments
Anonymous
March 28 2018, 11:42:16
Congratulations on finishing the spork!
Wow, this climax is even worse than the one in Inheritance. A goddess showed up and killed the entire bad guy army! Bleh
-TTT
theepistler
March 28 2018, 12:41:56 Edited: March 29 2018, 00:15:39
Yeah, not only is it a huge Deus Ex Machina, but it exposes the utter lie that Axis is any sort of brilliant military commander. He never wins ANY of his battles using strategy or leadership - earlier on he just charged in guns blazing without a thought for what his comrades were doing, and won a "great victory" purely because the author made him magically capable of slaughtering the things single-handedly by the truckload. Here, he only wins because Faraday handed him AN UNSTOPPABLE SUPERWEAPON.
In fact, you know what? He might as well have been fighting the Skraelings all by himself for all the goddamn difference it makes. The AW and the guys who stab their own commander in the back to follow Axis are nothing but set dressing/hero accessories. They exist just to make Axis look awesome for having so many mindless adoring followers he didn't earn and doesn't deserve.
And no, Faraday - the person who actually won the climactic battle - will never get any credit for it. Nope, in the next book everyone keeps going on about how brave Axis was and how Axis won a great victory, blah blah blah. No of course he doesn't correct anybody about that, because that would mean giving him some goddamn humility. And we all know that's never going to happen. (In fact in the next book his horrible arrogant entitled attitude gets ten times WORSE).
theepistler
March 28 2018, 12:44:12 Edited: March 28 2018, 12:44:47
What a lousy book. And I didn't even get my cheeseburger! :-(
...wait. Who's that at the door?
IT'S BARRY!
Aww, you're always there when I need you, little buddy.
snarkbotanya
March 28 2018, 18:10:52
BARRY! *hugs the heron*
Need any fries to go with that cheeseburger?
theepistler
March 28 2018, 20:05:29
Sure, why not? I think I've earned it. :-D
snarkbotanya
March 28 2018, 20:23:57
*hands over a generous helping of fries*
theepistler
March 28 2018, 20:29:03
*shares with Barry*
snarkbotanya
March 28 2018, 18:34:33
Crest-Leader HoverEye BlackWing
Oh barf. I'm starting to feel like I didn't go far enough with the word smushing when I called the CAH pack "WordSmushingBonusPack of BattleAxeMockery".
The next chapter cuts to Axis sitting in your standard issue dungeon (it’s even described as “dark” and “dank” because of course it is)
It's dark and dank because Axis just smoked a whole fuckton of weed.
This causes “emotion” to nearly overwhelm Axis. What kind of emotion? I don’t know. Just “emotion”.
Must be a euphemism for how all those guys kissing his feet gave the Sue an orgasm.
To cap it off, the author reiterates for the second time that they’re all 100% totally convinced that with Axis in charge they just plain can’t lose.
The only time an author should have their characters being that convinced that with X on their side, they just can't lose is when they are about to be proven wrong.
theepistler
March 28 108, 23:08:58 Edited: March 28 2018, 23:15:09
Oh barf. I'm starting to feel like I didn't go far enough with the word smushing when I called the CAH pack "WordSmushingBonusPack of
BattleAxeMockery".
Just when you think Sara Douglass has come up with the most absurd name ever, she proves you wrong. Never ever assume she's reached her peak in that department. If I were the Nostalgia Critic I'd say something like "What's next - a character called PREENDEEP?", and then stare at the camera in slackjawed horror when "PreenDeep" actually shows up.
(In case you haven't been keeping up with the spork, yes there is a character named PreenDeep. No I'm not kidding).
It's dark and dank because Axis just smoked a whole fuckton of weed.
Must be a euphemism for how all those guys kissing his feet gave the Sue an orgasm.
Yeah, that Power Boner must be reeaaally throbbing right now. No I am not going to photoshop that as well. Use your imagination.
The only time an author should have their characters being that convinced that with X on their side, they just can't lose is when they are about to be proven wrong.
Overconfidence should always be punished in fiction. Atheist I may be, but I'm quite fond of the Biblical quote "A haughty spirit goeth before the fall".
snarkbotanya
March 29 2018, 05:53:05
LOL, that "420 blaze it" Axis photoshop just made my day.
theepistler
March 29 2018, 10:18:24
I got this mental image and I just HAD to make it a reality. I admit it - I laughed too when I saw the results. XD
thegharialguy
March 30 2018, 20:21:21
Is it just me, or those he actually look really freaking cool? Like...unironically.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 20:27:44
LOL!
I guess the douchey expression does go quite well with the sunglasses. :-p
theepistler
March 30 2018, 17:11:04
The only time an author should have their characters being that convinced that with X on their side, they just can't lose is when they are about to be proven wrong.
Actually, you know what? In Harry Potter when Hagrid says that as long as they've got Dumbledore on their side he's "not too worried", I instantly knew that Dumbledore was going to die.
snarkbotanya
March 30 2018, 20:20:46
Damn, really? I guess my Trope Sense had not yet developed enough for that when I first read the Harry Potter books... but then, now that I look over them, it does seem fairly obvious. Dumbledore was the kind of character who assures the main character's safety for a time, but eventually needs to be pushed aside to allow greater threats to and character development for said main character. Often, the character who fits into this role is the mentor, hence Mentor Occupational Hazard; however, the role can vary a bit.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 21:25:45
I was predicting he was going to die years in advance, because of that but also because I had noticed how often Wise Old Mentors die in fiction. It was one of my earliest moments of Trope Spotting. These days, unfortunately, I'm so good at it that I can predict how pretty much every book I pick up is going to end. And if that sounds smug, bear in mind that it's pretty much ruined reading fiction for me, so I'm not actually all that happy about it. I prefer to read nonfiction nowadays, because real life is a lot harder to predict.
snarkbotanya
March 30 2018, 22:19:43
I have something similar... though in my case, it hasn't really ruined fiction, because I'm the kind of person who gets a bit of a thrill from having totally called x or y plot twist.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 22:26:05
I guess I'm just old and jaded. :-p
thegharialguy
March 29 2018, 02:15:24
Because women suck, amirite? Seriously, though, I’m so, so sick of the old “it’s not okay for a woman to lose her temper” (or worse "it's adorable when a woman is angry!") bullshit. It’s so stupid. Not to mention demeaning as hell.
Calm down ther epistler. It's not okay for a woman to lose her temper. #joke
Seriously though, I did drop this spork because it was just a bunch of names that I couldn't at all match to any personalities. I decided to jump on to see what the stories like at the end and I couldn't get past this line since there's literally nothing evoking my interest. At least the Dragon Temple saga was captivating in how bad it was. This is just so bad it's boring.
theepistler
March 29 2018, 09:57:58
Calm down ther epistler. It's not okay for a woman to lose her temper. #joke
Why you chauvinist tool of the patriarchy! Don't make me slap you ineffectually! #joke
At least the Dragon Temple saga was captivating in how bad it was. This is just so bad it's boring.
Don't blame you. I regretted sporking this because it's just so dull and generic and there's really nothing that memorably bad or ridiculous about it other than the names. See, the problem is that I read the entire trilogy back in the day but I blanked out the boring stuff and only remembered the hilariously insane stuff.
Unfortunately this meant I forgot that said insane stuff doesn't show up until the sequels. You know how some people try to get you to keep reading a boring series by saying stuff like "after the first 1,000 pages, it gets really good!"? Yeah, this is a case of that. It's a horrible trilogy, but to begin with it's just forgettable. The true pits of horror don't show up until book two. Which I've already started sporking, because I am not the sort of person who learns from her mistakes, apparently.
With that said, however, when it gets hysterically awful it REALLY gets hysterically awful.
thegharialguy
March 29 2018, 10:09:45
I'll give the second installment a chance when it comes along then.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 17:48:59
In the next book, some of the characters sit on a modern-day asphalt highway with electric lighting and eat raisin cookies.
No I am not making that up. It happened.
I swear, it's like the author started doing crack between books. Or was replaced with a space alien.
torylltales
March 30 2018, 16:58:28 Edited: March 30 2018, 16:59:00
Like gharigal, I stopped properly following this after the first few chapters because there was just so little going on, none of the names had personalities attached to them, and I could never think of anything to say in comments anyway.
I am impressed that you stuck with it all the way through, though. Hats off to you.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 17:14:06
Well, at least I successfully got it across to everyone just how dull and uneventful this book is. Seriously, what is it with fantasy and dictionary-sized books in which nothing fucking happens? It's like certain authors believe in literary homeopathy - the more you dilute the exciting action, the more effective it is!
torylltales
March 30 2018, 21:50:47 Edited: March 30 2018, 21:52:15
authors get so excited about their worldbuilding that they forget that stories are about:
- people
- doing things
- or reacting to things that happen
- in places
In that order, not just the last one by itself.
theepistler
March 30 2018, 22:34:39
Unfortunately, yes. Me, I've always put character and story first and treated the setting as, well, a backdrop. Which in my opinion is how it should be, but maybe that's just me.
cmdrnemo
March 29 2018, 03:27:14
It's not often I bother with the glossary at the end of the book. Anything I can't grok the meaning of in context I'll have long forgotten by the time I've finished. But, I do like the one in 1984. Because it describes Newspeak and all the nations in the book in the past tense. Where the message of the story is "all hope is lost" the message of the glossary is "all tyrants will fall."
If your story needs a glossary you might as well use it to do something. There's no reason any part of a novel should be textbook dry.
Anonymous
March 29 2018, 03:31:45
Plus Newspeak is really cool and thought provoking.
-TTT
theepistler
March 29 2018, 10:05:36
And really well put together as well. It's a sadly rare example of a conlang that you can understand without needing a dictionary, just by the context it's used in.
theepistler
March 29 2018, 10:07:51
Yeah, I have NO idea why they added a glossary/encyclopedia to this thing. It's ridiculously unnecessary. There's not even any made-up languages in the trilogy. And thank goodness for that - given how badly this book was written, I can't imagine how much Ms Douglass would have bollocksed that up as
well.
ghostwyvern
March 30 2018, 06:43:35
For what it's worth, I've enjoyed reading the sporkings. I've tried to comment on them, but honestly you've covered them well and I don't think there's much else to say. Maybe if I'd read the book too, I would have had more to add...
But yes, like others who have followed along, I can tell that not a lot happens in this book up until the end of it. That's obviously not the best way to write a book--and if you want to avoid writing about wars, just... don't write about wars? Because it's kind of silly to kill the entire enemy army with a wave of your protagonist's hand...
theepistler
March 30 2018, 15:42:45 Edited: March 30 2018, 17:53:06
It's good to know that at least one person was still reading. :-)
You're completely right about the army being unnecessary. Honestly, every army in this series is basically just set dressing. None of Axis' ridiculously obsessive followers have any character development or motivation other than "agree with whatever Axis does no matter what and cheer ecstatically every time he so much as blows his nose". They never do anything useful or relevant. In the end, Axis being a military commander is just another accessory/Sue quota attribute. I mean, you can be a Chosen One and save the world without being a Great Leader(tm) with lots of loyal followers. Harry Potter managed it with just a couple of loyal friends. Axis could just as easily have gone off and done all the save-the-world stuff by himself instead of pretending "amazing" military leadership had anything to do with it.
But for whatever reason the author seems to have this obsession with Axis being in charge of everyone and everything, and it becomes a lot more obvious in the sequel, where he becomes fixated on seizing not one but TWO different thrones, and acts like this is his due and is somehow necessary to Save The World (tm). And no matter how many unearned important positions/superpowers/fanatically loyal followers he gets, he STILL whines about how it's not enough. This results in the "story" basically becoming an extremely tiresome escalation of power for the supposed hero and his equally obnoxious love interest.
The kicker? Most of it is never used for anything relevant anyway. This is what happens when, Paolini-like, the author mistakes giving the hero more powers for character development and plot progression. It's so stupid.