Forged By Fire Sporking: Introduction and Part One

[pangolin20]

theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2017-10-12 17:32:00

Forged By Fire Sporking: Introduction and Part One

Well, here we are – the third and (thankfully) final book of the, uh, epic saga that is Touched by Venom and its sequels. It was published in 2007, after which it would seem either the publisher or the author mercifully caught on because she hasn’t published anything else since despite some braindead critic from Cinefantastique having described her as “a significant new voice in fantasy”. Yeah, her and every other two-bit author who comes out with a trilogy everyone hopes will make a splash but probably won’t. I swear, if I had a dollar for every time some unimaginative critic described a debut author as a “significant new voice” I’d be shitting in a gold-plated toilet.

Moving on, I suppose I might as well start by saying something about the cover. This time around Zarq (or whoever that’s supposed to be) is shown wearing some sort of medieval tunic thingy with thigh-high boots, and wielding a sword.

Behold!

At no point in the book does Zarq use a sword (well okay, other than very briefly at the end), nor does she wear thigh boots. Or any boots at all that I can recall. The cover clearly wants to convince us that Zarq will become a kick-ass heroine who, like, fights and stuff. Just as the precious cover tried to convince us that she would spend the book as a tragically forlorn (but super sexy!) prisoner in a dungeon, and the first one tried to convince us the book would be some sort of sexy romance.

Nice try, Unidentified Cover Artist.

By the way, I checked the imprint page and there found out that this thing was published not just in the author’s native Canada plus America and Australia, but also Ireland, New Zealand, India and South Africa. Which means the first two books did well enough that someone saw fit to not only publish it in multiple countries, but also (presumably) translate it into two different languages.

You know, I’m beginning to understand why the suits at the publishing companies treat the reading public like morons. Who the hell bought this thing?! (Other than me, obviously). Surely that many people can’t have just bought it for the lulz. Does that mean there are people who actually liked the first book with the venom cocks and the FGM performed on children and the pedophilia and… all the rest of it? And not only did they like it but they liked it enough to buy the sequel?

I’m so depressed right now.

Anyway, so we begin with an author’s note which thanks “Faerie and the Bean” for “all the magick they regularly conjure”. I have absolutely no idea who Faerie and the Bean are, or whether they’re her kids, pets or imaginary friends, but I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that people who spell the word “magic” with a K make me want to punch kittens. I guess I should just be grateful the author didn’t also pointlessly swap out the “g” for a “j”.

…Okay, I’m just stalling now, aren’t I? I guess I should get on and actually read the first chapter. Here we go…

Part One: Zarq Is a Blithering Idiot (Again)

The book opens where the last one left off, with Zarq being hustled out of the Arena. She’s in pain because of her broken ribs. Predictably, she whines about it. There’s nothing like a little quiet stoicism in a protagonist, is there? Actually, I don’t think Zarq is ever stoic when she’s in pain, most notably in the last book where every time she got a boo-boo she started moaning about how she needed precious venom to make the pain go away. It got pretty tedious.

As usual our Fearless Heroine on Heroin has all the common sense of a prawn, because despite having just been told that they have to get away now before the dragon mating finishes or someone will twig that she’s not really dead, she suddenly starts asking about Dono. Yeah, remember him? The previous book completely forgot about the guy, and never bothered to mention what had happened to him. Well turns out he’s still alive according to the dragonmaster, and Zarq immediately insists that they go back and rescue him or he’ll be executed. The others point out that this is a terrible idea, and why the fuck does she want to rescue the guy anyway? He betrayed her in the last book and was the whole reason she ended up in prison with the torture and the gang rape and such. After which he tried to murder her.

But nope – Zarq picks now of all times to go all noble and shit on us, right out of the blue. Wah, wah, poor toothless Dono! Don’t tell me the author is trying to convince us that Zarq has feelings for him again, because it sure as hell didn’t work in the last book and it’s even less convincing now.

Not only does Zarq randomly want to save the asshole, but she then resorts to playing the Skykeeper’s Daughter card, saying she has an intuition that they will need Dono and that he’s “a part of it”. Daronpu Gen (the priest guy who found the scroll and blah blah blah) points out that she’s under the influence of venom and not thinking straight, and Zarq whines again about how she’s in lots of pain and he didn’t give her enough venom, whine whine.

Am I actually supposed to like this character?

Gen finally tells one of his underlings to guide them all out of there while he goes back for Dono. After a long, boring description of Zarq escaping the labyrinth thingy under the Arena, she emerges into the open and finds some guys waiting with dragons. Here we learn that dragon saddles for flying have “wooden stirrups” and also that the dragons wear “bridles”.

Because apparently the dragons are still just horses by another name. The author’s not even trying to hide it any more.

Zarq somehow intuits that the dragons belong to Malacar’s “parcel and letter dispatch service”. Wow, that fits so well in a fantasy setting. What, was “courier” not good enough for you?

They wait around for Gen and bicker a bit about how they can’t afford to stick around because they’ll soon be swarmed by soldiers (and thanks to all the time I’ve spent on Inheritance criticism, I instantly pictured said soldiers as sporting “pairs of waxed mustachios” while being incredibly easy to kill).

It’s a moot point anyway as Gen finally shows up with an unconscious Dono, and they fly off, leaving one guy behind at the mercy of the Temple since they didn’t have room for him.

So Zarq’s insistence on rescuing Dono has now cost a man his life and made their escape that much more dangerous. Will it be worth the sacrifice? Let’s find out!

Zarq spends some time expositing about how “dragonflight” actually kind of sucks, and even more so when you’ve got broken bones. Yes, please do keep going on about your injuries, Zarq. Because I care so much, and listening to you whine about it isn’t the least bit boring.

She then starts fretting that Dono isn’t going to make it, and demands that they stop for the night, adding that she can’t handle it any more either, wah wah. I think the author was going for “assertive” here, but instead she just comes off as “obnoxious”.

They end up landing at a “Hamelt of Forsaken”, aka a rebel settlement. Since Gen is still disguised as a temple auditor– you know what, fuck it. I’m sick of having to call them auditors. It’s a boring, dry, stupid name which doesn’t fit the setting and isn’t menacing in the least. From now on I’m calling them Inquisitors, and the author can suck it.

Okay, so Gen is still disguised as an Inquisitor, so needless to say the locals aren’t happy to see the intruders and come running out waving pitchforks and such. One of them decides to act as the Spokesrebel, and Zarq notes that he looks malnourished and generally unhealthy. He has a “clay disc through his lower lip”, though it doesn’t say if the damn thing is the size of a dinner plate as with that one tribe over in Africa. Zarq wishes Gen had “shucked” [?] his disguise, but then realises it’s actually helping them because the rebels don’t wish to attack him for fear of pissing off the Temple. (Why the Temple hasn’t already wiped them all out on principle is anybody’s guess). The guy with the lip accessory says they don’t like visitors, and when Gen says they just want to stay the night he adds that their dragons have trampled a bunch of seedlings because they landed in the middle of a field. Wow, that was rude. You guys just show up uninvited, stomp all over their crops and demand free accomodation. Even Zarq thinks this is douchey.

Naturally she doesn’t stop to consider the fact that it’s her fault they’re in this situation in the first place.

Either way they’re given a place to stay, and Zarq finally gets a proper look at Dono. He’s in a bad way. The eyelid she tore in the last book is all swollen and oozing pus (that was quick), and he has a wound in his throat so deep she can see what she thinks might be his larynx. Just how the hell she even knows what a larynx is is left to the reader’s imagination.

The dragonmaster, meanwhile, passes out in a corner – I forgot to mention he’s been lashed by the bull dragon’s tongue and is pretty seriously fucked up himself. In fact he’s spent the entire first chapter mostly unconscious and clearly in pain with a gaping face wound.

Zarq completely ignores him and asks Gen to fix Dono with Djimbi magic, and he answers that there’s no spell that can save a guy who’s going to die soon, which Dono clearly is. He advises Zarq to get some sleep and he’ll wake her up if anything happens.

Then this line suddenly pops up:

Dono died at dawn.

…well, that was anticlimactic.

But wait, he’s not actually dead! Zarq was just giving us information from the future again. Gen wakes her up saying he’s on his way out. Zarq goes to Dono’s side and holds his hand until he dies, and that’s the end of that. RIP, Dono.

Which means the whole “must rescue Dono” thing was – you guessed it – entirely pointless. It also means that Zarq left a man to die and risked everyone else’s necks just so she could have a poignant moment over the death of some asshole who sold her down the river. Bravo.

17 comments

snarkbotanya
October 12 2017, 18:02:21 Edited: October 12 2017, 18:50:00
Hey, you used my "Forged by FUCK OFF" image! Glad to see that had some extra mileage!

As usual our Fearless Heroine on Heroin has all the common sense of a prawn

Oh come on. If prawns read this book and saw the shit Zarq gets up to, they'd be like

She doesn't even have half the intelligence of a prawn.

Even Zarq thinks this is douchey.

Damn. When even Zarq thinks what you're doing is douchey, it's time to stop doing the thing.

the author’s native Canada

She's Canadian?!? Dammit, we already have enough to make up for between Justin Bieber, Nickelback, and Celine Dion, and we can't just expect Rush to carry all of that weight! (Yes, I live in America, but my parents are Canadian, so I'm actually a dual citizen; and considering the bullshit America's been pulling lately, I am a lot more proud of my Canadian citizenship.)


star_dragon5
October 12 2017, 22:32:06
Between Rush, Metric, and you, I'd say Canada is just fine.


theepistler
October 12 2017, 23:41:52
To quote the Agonybooth recap of Barb Wire: "In this movie 'retinal lenses' will get you safe passage out of the US, and into Canada, which is apparently the Promised Land. Hey, it’s the home of Michael Ironside, Alex Trebek, and William Shatner. If you ask me, it’s already the Promised Land!"

I've visited Canada myself, and it was amazing. Such a beautiful country, and everyone was so friendly. 10/10 would visit again.


snarkbotanya
October 13 2017, 05:26:58 Edited: October 13 2017, 05:29:16
Another advantage of Canada over the U.S. is that Canada gets commonwealth candy. Aero bars, Coffee Crisp, Mars bars, Smarties... none of those are readily available in the states, but you can find them everywhere in Canada.

I love Canada. If I could afford it, I would absolutely move to Vancouver.


fcalfbreaker
October 13 2017, 06:33:47
But jeesh, the house prices...


snarkbotanya
October 13 2017, 06:34:32
Hence the "if I could afford it."


fcalfbreaker
October 13 2017, 06:43:12
If it makes you feel any better, even people who live in Vancouver can't afford it. It'd totally be normal.

torylltales
October 15 2017, 09:41:12
[Australians screeching in the distance]


Anonymous
October 13 2017, 20:18:45
You can also buy "Kinder Surprise" chocolate eggs in Canada. They are banned south of the border.

Anon - 4.
.


theepistler
October 13 2017, 20:39:38
You can get 'em here in Australia too! They also release special movie tie-in editions all the time. There was a Force Awakens Kinder Surprise, and one for
Inside Out! :D


torylltales
October 15 2017, 09:44:07
We used to have Yowies as well, but aside from one carton of them at my local Kmart I haven't seen them being sold regularly for years.

(Yowies, for those who don't know, are basically a Kinder surprise egg with a surprisingly detailed animal figurine inside.

My collection from that one Kmart carton includes a polar bear, Galapagos tortoise, beaver, several red kangaroos, an alpaca, a barn owl, and Nemo. )


theepistler
October 15 2017, 10:23:40
Believe it or not, Yowies are back! You can get them at the supermarket again... buuut they're being sold by a different company now, and the toy inside is just a plain plastic figurine without the detail or any assembly required. What a let-down. (I still have an entire box of Yowie animals somewhere - I used to collect 'em!)


torylltales
October 15 2017, 10:35:30
the animals I got earlier this year were plain figurines, but they weren't lacking in detail. I haven't seen Yowies in any supermarkets aside from that one box at Kmart.


snarkbotanya
October 13 2017, 06:01:44
Aww, thank you!
We've also got Margaret Atwood, Kate Beaton, BioWare, Tara Strong, Jennifer Hale, Evangeline Lilly, Chris Hadfield, Rick Mercer, and The Birthday Massacre.


hergrim
October 13 2017, 19:12:32
I honestly can't believe that someone who is a) as drugged out as Zarq is and b) as used to physical abuse as Zarq is would be bitching and moaning so much. I'm reminded of Atra from Iron Blooded Orphans and takes a beating meant for a friend. Kudelia is shocked to see her condition, but that's when Atra dropped the bombshell that she used to take worse beatings earlier on in her life. For her, pain was something she had gotten used to. That's how Zarq should be feeling right now, not like some kind of pampered princess (and a good number of them would probably handle the pain better).


theepistler
October 13 2017, 19:42:00 Edited: October 13 2017, 19:42:41
Yeah, given her ridiculously hard-knock upbringing you'd think she'd be pretty tough by now. Not to mention that in the last book she was pretty stoic and didn't really complain about it when she was in pain. That she's doing so now is really out of character. She's been a moaner before, but until this point it's been mostly kept to the narration. And she's going to keep on bitching about it into the next chapter, too. I lost patience with it pretty quickly.


torylltales
October 15 2017, 09:44:48