Enchanter Sporking: Part One
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theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-04-09 20:21:00
MOOD:
worriedMUSIC: The Pina Colada Song
Enchanter Sporking: Part One
Well look who’s back. Yeah, it’s me, your moderately humble Epistler, and it’s time to tackle the sequel to BattleAxe. Book two has the somewhat less obnoxious title “Enchanter”, and like the first one it opens with a useless quote from something ten times better, in this case something called “A Dialogue Between the Resolved Soul, and Created Pleasure” by Andrew Marvell. It’s a piece of verse about an “immortal shield” and an army with “silken Banners”, which going on the tone appears to be religious in nature. What does this have to do with the book? Something somewhere between “jack” and “shit” – thanks for asking.
Now I guess it’s time to find out what dear old Axis SunSoar and his dumbass love interest are up to. Brace yourselves, guys – the first book might have been mostly a big pile of boredom and clichés, but this is where it really starts to get ridiculous.
The book opens with the Prophecy again, just in case we’d managed to forget it. It’s still stupid. Then we get a prologue from Gorgrael’s point of view. He’s in Borneheld’s bedroom in Gherkinfort Keep – the whole place is deserted now Borneheld has evacuated everyone.
Somehow or other Gorgrael is able to sense the emotions that had been in the room, and he sniffs the bedsheets and picks up Faraday’s scent. This makes him shriek in “anger, frustration and desire” because he hates and wants Faraday “almost as much as he hated and wanted Axis”. Um, what? Between this and the description of Gorgrael’s “anger and desire”, I’m getting the feeling that he wants to fuck the pair of them. Which is shall we say just a bit uncomfortable.
Anyway, Gorgrael thinks about how he knows the Prophecy like the back of his hand. He also knows that Axis has escaped to be with their father and will soon be “a far more formidable opponent”. Will he be strong enough to counter Gorgrael’s command of “the Dark Music”? Maybe. Also, that’s seriously what it’s called. The Dark Music. It sounds like the title of a bad metal album.
Time to crank up YouTube and make some magic, you guys.
Borneheld and Co. kept expecting to be attacked properly, but weren’t, and don’t know this is because Axis wiped most of the enemy out. I’m trying not to think about that, thanks.
Meanwhile Borneheld is sulking because it’s not his fault Gherkinfort was lost – he was screwed over by a bunch of traitors, most notably Margarita, his senior commander who ran off to join Axis and took half his soldiers with him.
And Borneheld is absolutely correct. Margarita’s actions were absolutely betrayal and possibly treason as well. But instead we’re probably just supposed to see Borneheld as a sore loser.
Like me he’s hoping Axis got eaten alive by Skraelings, and he bitterly reflects that after the fiasco at Gherkinfort he now trusts no-one except Gautier and Timozel. He doesn’t trust Faraday any more either, because he’s quite rightly suspicious that she’s secretly In Love with Axis. Poor guy.
We’re now given even more reason to feel sorry for Borneheld, as losing his father’s lands has wounded him deeply. We learn that he grew up in a loveless home, deserted by his mother (correct) and ignored by his father, and when he became Duke aged 14 he was happy because now people finally gave him some goddamn respect. And now you know why he’s so devoted to his position – it’s literally all he has in his life. And now it’s been taken away from him. He’s so upset – and pissed – that he’s determined to become King, so people will love and respect him.
This is probably meant to make him look power-hungry, but instead it’s actually kind of heartbreaking. The poor guy is messed up because he never had a chance. And how exactly is it his fault he grew up unloved and abandoned by his own parents? Borneheld is the only character whose motivations are somewhat explored and which actually make sense. And he’s supposed to be the bad guy here! What the hell?
We then move on to more tedious infodumping about how Borneheld is prepared to accept the alliance of the Ravensbund, and how they need to make another alliance with something called the Corolean Empire, and if “that simpering fool of a King, Priam” hasn’t thought of it, Borneheld will see to it himself. You can tell Borneheld is Evil because he's proactive rather than a lazy ass who just gets everything handed to him for no effort.
Finally Borneheld bumps into Ho’Demi Moore, who he thinks of as a primitive barbarian. Ho’Demi makes a little speech about how he’s prepared to fight alongside Borneheld’s troops. Borneheld accepts, and then declares that together they’ll make a stand at Jervois Landing and this time he’s gonna win. Yeah, good luck with that, Borneheld. In the meantime, while you’re risking your neck fighting the enemy without any Sue powers, Axis will just be off with the Icarii, living in comfort and getting magic handed to him while ogling yet another attractive woman he should be staying away from.
But again, Axis is totally the hero here. You’ll just have to take the author’s word for it.
Sure enough the next chapter goes to my least favourite character in the entire trilogy. Axis is hanging out at Talon Spike enjoying the view of the mountains. Literally no sense of urgency whatsoever.
Axis thinks about how the “wonders of his new-found powers”, whatever they are, can’t make him forget about poor old Faraday. Boo hoo. He then moves on to thinking about his new family. Apparently his relationship with his dad isn’t easy because StarDrifter is “a forceful man with powerful expectations” and makes him work hard all day. He’s pissed at him but still wants attention from him, and they had a big argument this morning which was broken up by StarDrifter’s mother MorningStar.
Do we actually get to see any of this? Of course not. We don’t get to see Axis’ growing relationship with his father, or how he comes to terms with his new surroundings, or any of that. Instead it’s all just dictated at us. Looks like Ms Douglass still hasn’t learned her lesson on that front. This is the sort of thing I constantly lecture aspiring teen authors about. But she’s supposed to be the big award-winning professional? I’ve never been more insulted.
Thankfully Azhure shows up to interrupt the tedium, and she seems to have gotten herself some Author Favour between books because now she’s “graceful” and “confident”, apropos of absolutely nothing. We now learn that Axis has super Enchanter vision, much like Eragon’s elf vision. How did he get it? No idea. Is it something you can learn, or does it just manifest all by itself? Again, no idea. It’s just there.
We’re now told that Azhure has become “a good friend” to Axis. I really wish the author would quit dictating people’s relationships rather than actually developing them, but it’s not gonna happen.
Azhure intuits that Axis and StarDrifter had a fight. He asks how she knows that, and she says it’s because StarDrifter came back to their “apartment” and immediately started bickering with Rivkah. The author then pulls something which should be punished with immediate dunking in a vat of snail slime – that is, she tells us that when Axis was reunited with Rivkah at last it was really sweet and emotional and blah blah blah and the reunion was “healing” for both of them, and how their relationship is warm and loving, etc. etc.
She then tells us that Rivkah and StarDrifter’s marriage is dysfunctional and looks close to falling apart. Feeeeel the raw emotion! I’m so sad and moved by this state of affairs!
Wait, no I’m not. Because you didn’t fucking show it to me, you damn hack! Is this really anyone’s idea of good, professional quality writing? For fuck’s sake! I know I’m ranting, but after 500 pages of this sort of bullshit and now even more of it in the sequel, I’m officially at the end of my tether.
Azhure observes that it must be hard for Rivkah to be married to a guy who looks young enough to be her son, and Axis angsts about how he does indeed have Icarii longevity (told you so), and will stay young and beautiful for five hundred years, and wah wah he’ll have to watch his grandchildren be buried. Unless they’re also Icarii Sues, and we all know they will be.
He whines to Azhure about how he’s not looking forward to sitting here one day trying to remember her face when she’s long dead, emotionlessly ending with “I do not like it. I find it… hard.” There’s absolutely no indication of his body language or tone of voice here, by the way, which in scenes like this one is kind of important.
Azhure holds his hand, and Axis adds that getting super duper powers has its perks. He sings a Magic Song and it starts to rain “Moonwildflowers”. Yeah, that’s seriously what they’re called. Moonwildflowers, pointless capital and all. What, couldn’t you at least have called them “moonflowers”?
I regret to inform you that we’ll be hearing more about these stupid flowers in the future, so if I were you I’d get used to the name.
Azhure is all “omg my favourite flower!” and Axis puts one in her hair and says she reminds him of a Moonwildflower, “hiding in darkness, desperate not to be found or touched”.
Um, Axis? You know you’re supposed to be in love with Faraday and promised to marry her, right? Why, then, do you not feel the least bit guilty about openly flirting with someone else? This guy is officially a sleaze (well okay, we kind of already knew that. Still).
Azhure wisely changes the subject, saying she’s been invited to join in with EvenSong’s combat training. Yet another infodump tell us that EvenSong is impressed by “Azhure’s extraordinary fighting ability”, as demonstrated in the last book when she somehow managed to kill a bunch of Skraelings armed with nothing but an arrow. Because fighting ability is something you just magically pull out of your arse whenever the situation calls for it.
EvenSong also apparently admires Azhure for “her cool head and bravery”. Wait, are we in EvenSong’s POV now? Because she’s not even in this scene.
Anyway, so Axis can tell Azhure’s doubtful about accepting special Icarii Martial Arts training because of the whole “being rejected for violence” thing in the last book. He tells her she did what she had to and should do what she wants with her life. Azhure admits she’d like to have a go at archery. She then gives a speech about how she’s tired of feeling “directionless” and has been living in “a deep dark well” she wants to emerge from. She adds that she’s glad she’s not an Enchanter destined for “heroic deeds” (oh you poor fool).
In a moment that’s supposed to make him look “modest” and “noble”, Axis says “I am no hero”, and Azhure thinks about how he has “moments of denial” and she can’t blame him for that because every day he “grieve[s] for those who had already died for him” and hates the idea that it’s going to happen again.
Because military commanders with supposedly distinguished careers behind them wouldn’t be already used to the idea of his troops dying in combat.
Oh, and he’s “haunted” because EvenSong blames him for the death of FreeFall, aka Mr Utterly Irrelevant Character We Barely Knew. EvenSong is also pissed because Axis is getting all this attention and also got all the magic in the family. I know, dear. Having a Sue for a brother must really suck. You have my sympathies.
But Azhure is Totally Awesome because she’s there to be friends with EvenSong, and without her “StarDrifter’s entire household might well have self-destructed”.
The Sueness just keeps on coming, as Axis thinks about how insightful Azhure supposedly is, more so than people trained as scholars or diplomats, and wonders where she got it from, immediately concluding that it can’t have been her father Hagen who was, like, an idiot, or from her mother – who he’s never fucking met – because “Nors women… thought mainly of the pleasures of the flesh and very little else”.
You racist asshole.
And we see here the particularly ugly Bad Fantasy cliché of “awesome parents = awesome offspring, stupid lame parents = stupid lame offspring”. Yeah, that doesn’t smack of eugenics or anything. But as it is I think we can safely conclude that Azhure has a “no, I am your father!” revelation in her future. And what a joy that will be.
She rather tactlessly asks Axis if he worries about Faraday, then says how Faraday “combines great beauty with great compassion and selflessness”. This despite not having so much as spoken to the woman. Axis asks how she saw Faraday, and Azhure explains about the business with the Earth Tree. Axis says he thinks the two of them would like each other.
Apropos of nothing, Azhure declares that if she was married to Borneheld “he would not have survived the wedding night”. Why, would you have murdered him for wanting to sleep with his own wife who he’s been conned into believing is in love with him? You little asshole.
She asks why Faraday didn’t come to Talon Spike too, and Axis says it’s because she wants to honour her marriage vows. Because marrying under false pretenses and then making out with another guy is definitely honouring one’s marriage vows. Axis spouts some bullshit about how he “live[s] for her”. Yeah, we’ll see how much you actually mean that, you cheating prick.
Just then StarDrifter shows up. Predictably he hits on Azhure, and thinks about how she should wear some nice dresses instead of pants.
I hate that. I hate how some men think they have the right to tell women how to dress, because they’re apparently under the impression that it’s a woman’s job to look pretty for them. Fuck you, StarDrifter.
StarDrifter wishes he was as cool and sexy as this logo.
Now I guess it’s time to find out what dear old Axis SunSoar and his dumbass love interest are up to. Brace yourselves, guys – the first book might have been mostly a big pile of boredom and clichés, but this is where it really starts to get ridiculous.
The book opens with the Prophecy again, just in case we’d managed to forget it. It’s still stupid. Then we get a prologue from Gorgrael’s point of view. He’s in Borneheld’s bedroom in Gherkinfort Keep – the whole place is deserted now Borneheld has evacuated everyone.
Somehow or other Gorgrael is able to sense the emotions that had been in the room, and he sniffs the bedsheets and picks up Faraday’s scent. This makes him shriek in “anger, frustration and desire” because he hates and wants Faraday “almost as much as he hated and wanted Axis”. Um, what? Between this and the description of Gorgrael’s “anger and desire”, I’m getting the feeling that he wants to fuck the pair of them. Which is shall we say just a bit uncomfortable.
Anyway, Gorgrael thinks about how he knows the Prophecy like the back of his hand. He also knows that Axis has escaped to be with their father and will soon be “a far more formidable opponent”. Will he be strong enough to counter Gorgrael’s command of “the Dark Music”? Maybe. Also, that’s seriously what it’s called. The Dark Music. It sounds like the title of a bad metal album.
Time to crank up YouTube and make some magic, you guys.
And Axis is due to become more “formidable”? The guy who wipes out the Skraelings single-handedly like he’s swatting flies? Dude, isn’t he already ridiculously overpowered? (Apparently not).
Anyway, so Gorgrael thinks that the third verse of the stupid Prophecy gives him “the key to destroy Axis” and “the Prophet [has] been kind”. Why? Because if Gorgrael can get to Faraday and “destroy” her – oh GODS this is rich. Seriously, brace yourselves for this, everyone. Axis is “vulnerable to nothing but love, and eventually love would prove his destruction”.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
*takes a deep breath*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh man that’s priceless. We’re seriously supposed to buy it that Axis is so In Love with Faraday – the girl he barely knows – that the Bad Guy can use it to destroy him. Pardon me while I wipe this tear from my eye.
Gorgrael shrieks again, gleefully this time (seriously – this guy acts like a toddler), and thinks about how he’s going to use Timozel to get to Faraday. He also apparently learned a lot from being in her bedroom – uh, how? – and blah blah blah, he’s gonna get revenge on her for helping Axis destroy his troops in the last book, and he’s gonna shred her like he just shredded her mattress.
This is a) Infodumping, b) Boring, and c) Makes the Big Evil Villain look like an ineffectual child. An actually effective villain wouldn’t be standing around posturing at the reader about how he’s gonna do this that or the other thing. He’d be out there fucking doing it. But then no-one in this series is particularly proactive, I’m afraid.
Instead we just get more infodumping. Blah blah, Borneheld has fled to Jervois Landing with Faraday and five thousand soldiers, and is going to make a stand by the river. Then, in a bit that actually made me gigglesnort out loud when I read it, we find out why Gorgrael and his followers don’t like running water:
“It made music from beauty and peace, not darkness. It tinkled.”
Guys, the Big Cheese of Evil just used the word “tinkled” in all sincerity. Am I really supposed to be taking this book seriously?
We then learn that the Skraelings are hopelessly undisciplined and keep wandering off to eat more people, and the SkraeBolds weren’t able to rally them to attack Borneheld’s troops. On top of that the Deus Ex Machina Axis used at the end of the last book has badly weakened the Ghost Army, and it’ll take months to gather the forces to keep going.
We now learn that Gorgrael has a mentor in the form of the Dark Man (oh come on), and said Dark Man had advised him to wait another year or two before attacking, until he was stronger. The Dark Man also taught him how to use the Dark Music… I swear I can feel my braincells dying as I type this. Either way this Dark Man guy is the reason why Gorgrael is so powerful. Now Gorgrael is worried about having to report back to him and admit that he fucked up.
So not only is Gorgrael a complete idiot with the temperament of a spoilt five year old, but he’s also been someone else’s bitch this whole time.
So you’re thinking this Dark Man is the real big villain now, right? So the author’s gonna pull a bait and switch on us – it only looked as if Axis was winning easily, when in reality the Skraelings were a distraction from the real threat, which is genuinely dangerous and horrifying.
Hahahah, no.
The prologue ends, and we now begin the first chapter, imaginatively titled “Jervois Landing – Arrivals”. Why not quit while you’re ahead and just use numbers, author? Because your chapter titles suck.
Anyway, we’re with some guy called Ho’Demi (great, another crap fantasy series with useless apostrophes in the middle of people’s names). Ho’Demi Moore is waiting for Borneheld and his army to show up, and thinks about how he doesn’t like it down South and misses the “northern wastes” where he used to hunt “icebears” with his tribe. Because he’s a Ravensbund, hence the stupidly clichéd “tribal” name.
But boo hoo, the Skraelings who lived there banded together under Gorgrael and drove his people out. The refugees apparently stopped at Jervois Landing and had offered to help Borneheld fight, but Borneheld laughed them off and said he commanded a “real army”. Yeah, he’s an idiot. At the very least he might have considered using them as scouts or cannon fodder. I might sympathise with Borneheld for the shabby treatment he gets from the author, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think he’s a moron.
And we’re still infodumping! I’m halfway through the damn chapter and it’s been literally nothing but this jerk shoving exposition down my throat. This is exactly how the first book opened. How many chapters of this am I going to have to put up with before something actually happens? Ugh, I’ll try and skip over as much of it as I can get away with. Wouldn’t want you lot to get bored too.
Blah blah, infodumping about the Ravensbund. Ho’Demi is their Chief (what, just the one chief? I thought they were a bunch of different tribes, not an homogeneous group). They’ve known about the Prophecy for “thousands of years” (there’s that ridiculously exaggerated timeline again), and nobody’s more loyal to the StarMan than them. So we can rest assured that the moment Axis shows up they’ll all ditch Borneheld and go running straight to the Sue. For now, though, they’ll accept Borneheld’s command. Yeah, that’s not gonna end well at all.
Cut to Borneheld, who’s been travelling for two weeks since evacuating Gherkinfort. A lot of people have died on the journey thanks to the cold and “nibbling attacks” by the Skraelings. We’re seriously still using the word “nibbling” to refer to the supposedly scary monsters, author? This is as bad as Paolini’s constant use of the word “squished” in his "epic' fight scenes.
Something else happened on the journey: Ogden and Veremund, the obnoxious comic relief Sentinels, have disappeared.
YES!
Anyway, so Gorgrael thinks that the third verse of the stupid Prophecy gives him “the key to destroy Axis” and “the Prophet [has] been kind”. Why? Because if Gorgrael can get to Faraday and “destroy” her – oh GODS this is rich. Seriously, brace yourselves for this, everyone. Axis is “vulnerable to nothing but love, and eventually love would prove his destruction”.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
*takes a deep breath*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh man that’s priceless. We’re seriously supposed to buy it that Axis is so In Love with Faraday – the girl he barely knows – that the Bad Guy can use it to destroy him. Pardon me while I wipe this tear from my eye.
Gorgrael shrieks again, gleefully this time (seriously – this guy acts like a toddler), and thinks about how he’s going to use Timozel to get to Faraday. He also apparently learned a lot from being in her bedroom – uh, how? – and blah blah blah, he’s gonna get revenge on her for helping Axis destroy his troops in the last book, and he’s gonna shred her like he just shredded her mattress.
This is a) Infodumping, b) Boring, and c) Makes the Big Evil Villain look like an ineffectual child. An actually effective villain wouldn’t be standing around posturing at the reader about how he’s gonna do this that or the other thing. He’d be out there fucking doing it. But then no-one in this series is particularly proactive, I’m afraid.
Instead we just get more infodumping. Blah blah, Borneheld has fled to Jervois Landing with Faraday and five thousand soldiers, and is going to make a stand by the river. Then, in a bit that actually made me gigglesnort out loud when I read it, we find out why Gorgrael and his followers don’t like running water:
“It made music from beauty and peace, not darkness. It tinkled.”
Guys, the Big Cheese of Evil just used the word “tinkled” in all sincerity. Am I really supposed to be taking this book seriously?
We then learn that the Skraelings are hopelessly undisciplined and keep wandering off to eat more people, and the SkraeBolds weren’t able to rally them to attack Borneheld’s troops. On top of that the Deus Ex Machina Axis used at the end of the last book has badly weakened the Ghost Army, and it’ll take months to gather the forces to keep going.
We now learn that Gorgrael has a mentor in the form of the Dark Man (oh come on), and said Dark Man had advised him to wait another year or two before attacking, until he was stronger. The Dark Man also taught him how to use the Dark Music… I swear I can feel my braincells dying as I type this. Either way this Dark Man guy is the reason why Gorgrael is so powerful. Now Gorgrael is worried about having to report back to him and admit that he fucked up.
So not only is Gorgrael a complete idiot with the temperament of a spoilt five year old, but he’s also been someone else’s bitch this whole time.
So you’re thinking this Dark Man is the real big villain now, right? So the author’s gonna pull a bait and switch on us – it only looked as if Axis was winning easily, when in reality the Skraelings were a distraction from the real threat, which is genuinely dangerous and horrifying.
Hahahah, no.
The prologue ends, and we now begin the first chapter, imaginatively titled “Jervois Landing – Arrivals”. Why not quit while you’re ahead and just use numbers, author? Because your chapter titles suck.
Anyway, we’re with some guy called Ho’Demi (great, another crap fantasy series with useless apostrophes in the middle of people’s names). Ho’Demi Moore is waiting for Borneheld and his army to show up, and thinks about how he doesn’t like it down South and misses the “northern wastes” where he used to hunt “icebears” with his tribe. Because he’s a Ravensbund, hence the stupidly clichéd “tribal” name.
But boo hoo, the Skraelings who lived there banded together under Gorgrael and drove his people out. The refugees apparently stopped at Jervois Landing and had offered to help Borneheld fight, but Borneheld laughed them off and said he commanded a “real army”. Yeah, he’s an idiot. At the very least he might have considered using them as scouts or cannon fodder. I might sympathise with Borneheld for the shabby treatment he gets from the author, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think he’s a moron.
And we’re still infodumping! I’m halfway through the damn chapter and it’s been literally nothing but this jerk shoving exposition down my throat. This is exactly how the first book opened. How many chapters of this am I going to have to put up with before something actually happens? Ugh, I’ll try and skip over as much of it as I can get away with. Wouldn’t want you lot to get bored too.
Blah blah, infodumping about the Ravensbund. Ho’Demi is their Chief (what, just the one chief? I thought they were a bunch of different tribes, not an homogeneous group). They’ve known about the Prophecy for “thousands of years” (there’s that ridiculously exaggerated timeline again), and nobody’s more loyal to the StarMan than them. So we can rest assured that the moment Axis shows up they’ll all ditch Borneheld and go running straight to the Sue. For now, though, they’ll accept Borneheld’s command. Yeah, that’s not gonna end well at all.
Cut to Borneheld, who’s been travelling for two weeks since evacuating Gherkinfort. A lot of people have died on the journey thanks to the cold and “nibbling attacks” by the Skraelings. We’re seriously still using the word “nibbling” to refer to the supposedly scary monsters, author? This is as bad as Paolini’s constant use of the word “squished” in his "epic' fight scenes.
Something else happened on the journey: Ogden and Veremund, the obnoxious comic relief Sentinels, have disappeared.
YES!
THERE IS A GOD!
Borneheld and Co. kept expecting to be attacked properly, but weren’t, and don’t know this is because Axis wiped most of the enemy out. I’m trying not to think about that, thanks.
Meanwhile Borneheld is sulking because it’s not his fault Gherkinfort was lost – he was screwed over by a bunch of traitors, most notably Margarita, his senior commander who ran off to join Axis and took half his soldiers with him.
And Borneheld is absolutely correct. Margarita’s actions were absolutely betrayal and possibly treason as well. But instead we’re probably just supposed to see Borneheld as a sore loser.
Like me he’s hoping Axis got eaten alive by Skraelings, and he bitterly reflects that after the fiasco at Gherkinfort he now trusts no-one except Gautier and Timozel. He doesn’t trust Faraday any more either, because he’s quite rightly suspicious that she’s secretly In Love with Axis. Poor guy.
We’re now given even more reason to feel sorry for Borneheld, as losing his father’s lands has wounded him deeply. We learn that he grew up in a loveless home, deserted by his mother (correct) and ignored by his father, and when he became Duke aged 14 he was happy because now people finally gave him some goddamn respect. And now you know why he’s so devoted to his position – it’s literally all he has in his life. And now it’s been taken away from him. He’s so upset – and pissed – that he’s determined to become King, so people will love and respect him.
This is probably meant to make him look power-hungry, but instead it’s actually kind of heartbreaking. The poor guy is messed up because he never had a chance. And how exactly is it his fault he grew up unloved and abandoned by his own parents? Borneheld is the only character whose motivations are somewhat explored and which actually make sense. And he’s supposed to be the bad guy here! What the hell?
We then move on to more tedious infodumping about how Borneheld is prepared to accept the alliance of the Ravensbund, and how they need to make another alliance with something called the Corolean Empire, and if “that simpering fool of a King, Priam” hasn’t thought of it, Borneheld will see to it himself. You can tell Borneheld is Evil because he's proactive rather than a lazy ass who just gets everything handed to him for no effort.
Finally Borneheld bumps into Ho’Demi Moore, who he thinks of as a primitive barbarian. Ho’Demi makes a little speech about how he’s prepared to fight alongside Borneheld’s troops. Borneheld accepts, and then declares that together they’ll make a stand at Jervois Landing and this time he’s gonna win. Yeah, good luck with that, Borneheld. In the meantime, while you’re risking your neck fighting the enemy without any Sue powers, Axis will just be off with the Icarii, living in comfort and getting magic handed to him while ogling yet another attractive woman he should be staying away from.
But again, Axis is totally the hero here. You’ll just have to take the author’s word for it.
Sure enough the next chapter goes to my least favourite character in the entire trilogy. Axis is hanging out at Talon Spike enjoying the view of the mountains. Literally no sense of urgency whatsoever.
Axis thinks about how the “wonders of his new-found powers”, whatever they are, can’t make him forget about poor old Faraday. Boo hoo. He then moves on to thinking about his new family. Apparently his relationship with his dad isn’t easy because StarDrifter is “a forceful man with powerful expectations” and makes him work hard all day. He’s pissed at him but still wants attention from him, and they had a big argument this morning which was broken up by StarDrifter’s mother MorningStar.
Do we actually get to see any of this? Of course not. We don’t get to see Axis’ growing relationship with his father, or how he comes to terms with his new surroundings, or any of that. Instead it’s all just dictated at us. Looks like Ms Douglass still hasn’t learned her lesson on that front. This is the sort of thing I constantly lecture aspiring teen authors about. But she’s supposed to be the big award-winning professional? I’ve never been more insulted.
Thankfully Azhure shows up to interrupt the tedium, and she seems to have gotten herself some Author Favour between books because now she’s “graceful” and “confident”, apropos of absolutely nothing. We now learn that Axis has super Enchanter vision, much like Eragon’s elf vision. How did he get it? No idea. Is it something you can learn, or does it just manifest all by itself? Again, no idea. It’s just there.
We’re now told that Azhure has become “a good friend” to Axis. I really wish the author would quit dictating people’s relationships rather than actually developing them, but it’s not gonna happen.
Azhure intuits that Axis and StarDrifter had a fight. He asks how she knows that, and she says it’s because StarDrifter came back to their “apartment” and immediately started bickering with Rivkah. The author then pulls something which should be punished with immediate dunking in a vat of snail slime – that is, she tells us that when Axis was reunited with Rivkah at last it was really sweet and emotional and blah blah blah and the reunion was “healing” for both of them, and how their relationship is warm and loving, etc. etc.
She then tells us that Rivkah and StarDrifter’s marriage is dysfunctional and looks close to falling apart. Feeeeel the raw emotion! I’m so sad and moved by this state of affairs!
Wait, no I’m not. Because you didn’t fucking show it to me, you damn hack! Is this really anyone’s idea of good, professional quality writing? For fuck’s sake! I know I’m ranting, but after 500 pages of this sort of bullshit and now even more of it in the sequel, I’m officially at the end of my tether.
Azhure observes that it must be hard for Rivkah to be married to a guy who looks young enough to be her son, and Axis angsts about how he does indeed have Icarii longevity (told you so), and will stay young and beautiful for five hundred years, and wah wah he’ll have to watch his grandchildren be buried. Unless they’re also Icarii Sues, and we all know they will be.
He whines to Azhure about how he’s not looking forward to sitting here one day trying to remember her face when she’s long dead, emotionlessly ending with “I do not like it. I find it… hard.” There’s absolutely no indication of his body language or tone of voice here, by the way, which in scenes like this one is kind of important.
Azhure holds his hand, and Axis adds that getting super duper powers has its perks. He sings a Magic Song and it starts to rain “Moonwildflowers”. Yeah, that’s seriously what they’re called. Moonwildflowers, pointless capital and all. What, couldn’t you at least have called them “moonflowers”?
I regret to inform you that we’ll be hearing more about these stupid flowers in the future, so if I were you I’d get used to the name.
Azhure is all “omg my favourite flower!” and Axis puts one in her hair and says she reminds him of a Moonwildflower, “hiding in darkness, desperate not to be found or touched”.
Um, Axis? You know you’re supposed to be in love with Faraday and promised to marry her, right? Why, then, do you not feel the least bit guilty about openly flirting with someone else? This guy is officially a sleaze (well okay, we kind of already knew that. Still).
Azhure wisely changes the subject, saying she’s been invited to join in with EvenSong’s combat training. Yet another infodump tell us that EvenSong is impressed by “Azhure’s extraordinary fighting ability”, as demonstrated in the last book when she somehow managed to kill a bunch of Skraelings armed with nothing but an arrow. Because fighting ability is something you just magically pull out of your arse whenever the situation calls for it.
EvenSong also apparently admires Azhure for “her cool head and bravery”. Wait, are we in EvenSong’s POV now? Because she’s not even in this scene.
Anyway, so Axis can tell Azhure’s doubtful about accepting special Icarii Martial Arts training because of the whole “being rejected for violence” thing in the last book. He tells her she did what she had to and should do what she wants with her life. Azhure admits she’d like to have a go at archery. She then gives a speech about how she’s tired of feeling “directionless” and has been living in “a deep dark well” she wants to emerge from. She adds that she’s glad she’s not an Enchanter destined for “heroic deeds” (oh you poor fool).
In a moment that’s supposed to make him look “modest” and “noble”, Axis says “I am no hero”, and Azhure thinks about how he has “moments of denial” and she can’t blame him for that because every day he “grieve[s] for those who had already died for him” and hates the idea that it’s going to happen again.
Because military commanders with supposedly distinguished careers behind them wouldn’t be already used to the idea of his troops dying in combat.
Oh, and he’s “haunted” because EvenSong blames him for the death of FreeFall, aka Mr Utterly Irrelevant Character We Barely Knew. EvenSong is also pissed because Axis is getting all this attention and also got all the magic in the family. I know, dear. Having a Sue for a brother must really suck. You have my sympathies.
But Azhure is Totally Awesome because she’s there to be friends with EvenSong, and without her “StarDrifter’s entire household might well have self-destructed”.
The Sueness just keeps on coming, as Axis thinks about how insightful Azhure supposedly is, more so than people trained as scholars or diplomats, and wonders where she got it from, immediately concluding that it can’t have been her father Hagen who was, like, an idiot, or from her mother – who he’s never fucking met – because “Nors women… thought mainly of the pleasures of the flesh and very little else”.
You racist asshole.
And we see here the particularly ugly Bad Fantasy cliché of “awesome parents = awesome offspring, stupid lame parents = stupid lame offspring”. Yeah, that doesn’t smack of eugenics or anything. But as it is I think we can safely conclude that Azhure has a “no, I am your father!” revelation in her future. And what a joy that will be.
She rather tactlessly asks Axis if he worries about Faraday, then says how Faraday “combines great beauty with great compassion and selflessness”. This despite not having so much as spoken to the woman. Axis asks how she saw Faraday, and Azhure explains about the business with the Earth Tree. Axis says he thinks the two of them would like each other.
Apropos of nothing, Azhure declares that if she was married to Borneheld “he would not have survived the wedding night”. Why, would you have murdered him for wanting to sleep with his own wife who he’s been conned into believing is in love with him? You little asshole.
She asks why Faraday didn’t come to Talon Spike too, and Axis says it’s because she wants to honour her marriage vows. Because marrying under false pretenses and then making out with another guy is definitely honouring one’s marriage vows. Axis spouts some bullshit about how he “live[s] for her”. Yeah, we’ll see how much you actually mean that, you cheating prick.
Just then StarDrifter shows up. Predictably he hits on Azhure, and thinks about how she should wear some nice dresses instead of pants.
I hate that. I hate how some men think they have the right to tell women how to dress, because they’re apparently under the impression that it’s a woman’s job to look pretty for them. Fuck you, StarDrifter.
StarDrifter wishes he was as cool and sexy as this logo.
We now move on to more Axis ass-kissing, as Axis thinks about how he hates being a student but that’s because he learns “so well, so quickly” that he wants to learn faster than StarDrifter is willing to teach, and StarDrifter is Totally Jealous of him because he’s becoming more and more powerful and will soon be more powerful than himself, and he’s always liked being “the most powerful Icarii Enchanter alive”.
This bit really just comes off as pointless and just there to make Axis sound impressive, which doesn’t work because we haven’t seen StarDrifter use any magic other than that one small spell he used in the last book, and we have absolutely no indication of what Axis’ new powers actually are other than some vague references to enhanced eyesight. So it’s entirely meaningless.
StarDrifter invites Azhure to join them for the afternoon’s training, but Azhure says no thanks because she’s promised to go with EvenSong. She leaves, and StarDrifter says “imagine the Enchanters she would bear”. Because that’s what women are for – our awesomeness is always defined by having kids who are awesome. You misogynistic asshole. He then tells Axis that before the “Wars of the Axe” a lot of Icarii dudes chose to breed with human women. Um, why didn’t any of the female Icarii Enchanters sleep with humans? Do they not count? StarDrifter adds that human blood is said to add “vitality” to the Icarii race and Axis is proof of that.
Axis is pissed, quite rightly suspecting that StarDrifter is planning to have it off with Azhure, and StarDrifter claims to love Rivkah and that he proved it by marrying her, because in the past the Icarii “birdmen” just grabbed the babies and flew off with them without so much as a thought for the mothers. Axis is “appalled” by this evidence of “Icarii insensitivity”, and finally understands why people hated them enough to boot them out of the country. You mean the eeeevil Seneschal might actually have had a point? Heaven forfend! And of course, Axis knows aaaall about treating other people and particularly women with “sensitivity”, sweetheart that he is.
The chapter ends with Axis reflecting that the Icarii have “a lot to learn about compassion”. And you would of course be the perfect guy to help them with that, right? Because you’re so very kind and loving and concerned with other people’s feelings yourself. You’re totally not just as much of a selfish misogynistic bastard as StarDrifter. If you ask me, those two jerks deserve each other. God I forgot how awful the misogyny is in this trilogy. Anyone who thinks this is a “feminist” series can kiss the darkest part of my lily-white ass.
30 comments
snarkbotanya
April 10 2018, 15:39:03 Edited: April 10 2018, 15:41:46
The Dark Music. It sounds like the title of a bad metal album.
Nah, that's generous. It sounds like the title an emo kid gives their playlist.
The Dark Man also taught him how to use the Dark Music… I swear I can feel my braincells dying as I type this.
Did Sara Douglass write these books using placeholder names until she could come up with something good and then just forget to replace them with actual names? Because that's what this is starting to feel like.
(great, another crap fantasy series with useless apostrophes in the middle of people’s names)
The only times I'll accept an apostrophe in a fantasy word/name is when it's a) a contraction or b) representing a glottal stop or similar consonant.
We’re seriously still using the word “nibbling” to refer to the supposedly scary monsters, author?
All I can hear when I read "nibbling" is Markiplier yelling "AAAAAHHHH IT WANTS TO NIBBLE MY GIBLETS!"
He doesn’t trust Faraday any more either, because he’s quite rightly suspicious that she’s secretly In Love with Axis.
Didn't she and Axis make out in front of him in the last book? Borneheld, you don't have to be suspicious that Faraday is cheating on you... YOU'VE SEEN THAT SHE IS!
The author then pulls something which should be punished with immediate dunking in a vat of snail slime – that is, she tells us that when Axis was reunited with Rivkah at last it was really sweet and emotional and blah blah blah and the reunion was “healing” for both of them, and how their relationship is warm and loving, etc. etc.
So wait... she made a Big Fucking Deal of how Axis was shocked and amazed to find out his mother was alive, basically built it up that he was being reunited with his family... and then didn't show us the reunion with his mom? I guess only the father is important in this fucking book, then... fucking fuck! I just... I fucking hate when women in fantasy novels are pretty much only there to be The Mother Of The Hero. Rivkah is basically Selena, except she's alive and useless instead of dead and useless.
He sings a Magic Song and it starts to rain “Moonwildflowers”.
Good gods. That name actually made me feel ill. Thoth, god of scribes, please smite this affront to writing!
Predictably he hits on Azhure, and thinks about how she should wear some nice dresses instead of pants.
FUCK YOU STARDRIFTER I'LL WEAR PANTS IF I DAMN WELL WANT AND IF YOU TRY TO HIT ON ME I'LL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF AND CLIP YOUR FLIGHT FEATHERS!
StarDrifter is Totally Jealous of him because he’s becoming more and more powerful and will soon be more powerful than himself, and he’s always liked being “the most powerful Icarii Enchanter alive”.
Actually, I might just rip his balls off anyway, because clearly this guy is not mature enough to be a father and needs to have his genitals confiscated until he grows the fuck up.
She leaves, and StarDrifter says “imagine the Enchanters she would bear”. Because that’s what women are for – our awesomeness is always defined by having kids who are awesome. You misogynistic asshole.
*grabs a razor*
DIE STARDRIFTER YOU SEXIST PIECE OF SHIT!
Anyone who thinks this is a “feminist” series can kiss the darkest part of my lily-white ass.
Seconded. I mean... what the fuck is this bullshit?
theepistler
April 12 2018, 17:52:15 Edited: April 12 2018, 17:58:10
Nah, that's generous. It sounds like the title an emo kid gives their playlist.
I actually Googled it out of sheer curiosity to see if there really IS a metal album called that. Lo and behold, what I found was multiple emo playlists on YouTube. Multiple.
Did Sara Douglass write these books using placeholder names until she could come up with something good and then just forget to replace them with actual names? Because that's what this is starting to feel like.
I know, right? It's like I'm reading No Name Brand fantasy. I mean, FFS, Gorgrael lives in "the Ice Fortress". Because it is a fortress. Which is made out of ice. GET IT??
Didn't she and Axis make out in front of him in the last book? Borneheld, you don't have to be suspicious that Faraday is cheating on you... YOU'VE SEEN THAT SHE IS!
Yes they did, plus Faraday said, and I quote "I will strive to live and hope that you will live for me!" Right in front of Borneheld. (Okay she was whispering, but I'm pretty sure the guy's not deaf).
So wait... she made a Big Fucking Deal of how Axis was shocked and amazed to find out his mother was alive, basically built it up that he was being reunited with his family... and then didn't show us the reunion with his mom? I guess only the father is important in this fucking book, then... fucking fuck! I just... I fucking hate when women in fantasy novels are pretty much only there to be The Mother Of The Hero. Rivkah is basically Selena, except she's alive and useless instead of dead and useless.
Yup. Rivkah and Axis' relationship gets zero development. Later on we just get the odd moment where the author says something like "they chatted about their likes and dislikes and it was very nice". Rivkah's only further role in this series is to hang around providing hand-patting and huggies for Axis' new and improved love interest, and then have another romance and pop out another kid. (Who will grow up to be an asshole. Like pretty much every kid born in this trilogy).
Good gods. That name actually made me feel ill. Thoth, god of scribes, please smite this affront to writing!
Sounds like a really bad brand of perfume, doesn't it?
FUCK YOU STARDRIFTER I'LL WEAR PANTS IF I DAMN WELL WANT AND IF YOU TRY TO HIT ON ME I'LL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF AND CLIP YOUR FLIGHT FEATHERS!
Seconded. The guy thinks women exist purely for him to ogle and have sex with as and when he pleases. Whether they like it or not.
Actually, I might just rip his balls off anyway, because clearly this guy is not mature enough to be a father and needs to have his genitals confiscated until he grows the fuck up.
Yup. The guy's supposed to be like 100 years old or something but he acts like he's thirteen. No this will never change.
snarkbotanya
April 13 2018, 05:42:35
Lo and behold, what I found was multiple emo playlists on YouTube. Multiple.
Called it!
Rivkah's only further role in this series is to hang around providing hand-patting and huggies for Axis' new and improved love interest, and then have another romance and pop out another kid.
So she's a womb on legs who doubles as a pillow to cry into.
(Who will grow up to be an asshole. Like pretty much every kid born in this trilogy).
Because Sara Douglass can't write characters who aren't assholes for shit. She's a lot like Stephenie Meyer that way.
The guy's supposed to be like 100 years old or something but he acts like he's thirteen.
theepistler
April 13 2018, 07:44:47
Case in point. That's pretty much how all of Meyer's vampires act, regardless of age.
I have a theory that characters in a novel can only be as smart and mature as the author who wrote them. You see it most starkly when someone tries to write a genius but the character is really just written as an average idiot the author keeps telling you has an IQ of five million on the basis of no evidence. Meanwhile Smeyer clearly thinks Bella Swan is OMG so mature for her age, because apparently swooning over some jackass and then throwing yourself off a cliff is this author's idea of "mature". Ouch.
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 17:47:08
That is true, though I might add another factor and say that character intelligence is a function of author intelligence and author effort. An author who isn't necessarily a genius can still write a convincing genius if they put in enough effort into making their genius believable, while an author who is a genius can end up writing a bunch of utter morons if they don't put any effort into their characters.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 17:56:32
That's also true. There's always the temptation to go the lazy route and have your "genius" character just magically figure things out without bothering to show how they did it. I read a book recently where the character is supposed to be a Sherlock Holmesripoff homage, but as it was not well written it just came off like the guy was able to pull ridiculously implausible conclusions right out of his butt which were always 100% correct anyway because the author said so.
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 20:01:28
Mystery in general must be a horribly hard genre to write, especially if you have a "detective" character, because it relies on the author's ability to conceal things from the readers while still leaving enough clues for the detective's deduction to make sense. Drop too many clues (or one clue that's too obvious) and you risk having all the readers sitting there with their heads in their hands going, "it was the taxi driver"* for at least half the book. Drop too few clues, and the detective's deduction becomes an Ass Pull and leaves the readers going "wait, what the FUCK?"
*The first episode of BBC Sherlock, I figured out it was the taxi driver way before the reveal and thus spent a good chunk the episode saying exactly this. To be fair, though, that might have been my Trope Sense; BBC Sherlock tends way more toward the Ass Pull direction, especially in the later seasons.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 20:10:53
Yeah, any sort of fictional mystery is a bitch to write. My own technique is frequently to conceal the answer from everyone... including myself. I'm writing a book with a major mystery in it right now, and I have no more idea than the protagonists do just who was behind [SPOILER]. So essentially I'm figuring it out along with them. It's fun!
(Personally I'm with the main character's theory that the government was behind the whole thing. You just can't trust those bastards).
Ugh, Sherlock. I LOVED that show... for the first two seasons. I quit watching well before the ridiculous "Sherlock has a secret evil sister!" plotline showed up. It was just getting ridiculous. And quite honestly, stupid.
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 20:20:37
You made a good call. It only got even more ridiculous from there. Euros Holmes is made of bullshit.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 20:21:38
Urgh, even her name is ridiculous.
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 20:25:58
Eyyup. Not to mention it's technically masculine... and usually it's anglicized as "Eurus"... I'd usually be happy that they went for the spelling closer to the original Greek, because I am one of those people who prefers "Hektor" to "Hector", "Herakles" to "Heracles", and "Erebos" to "Erebus", but the way they spell it, you want to say "euros", like the currency.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 20:41:44
Honestly, for a moment there I thought you were referring to some new plotline where they go to Eastern Europe or something, just like all those even worse sequels to bad comedies. If and when they do THAT, the series will have officially jumped the Megalodon.
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 20:47:35
LOL! Yeah, that would definitely be a Megalodon-jump... but really, I think what went down in Season 4 is definitely at least a Whale Shark Jump.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 23:14:28
Ugh. At the risk of sounding mean, I don't think the people writing that show are as clever as they think they are.
ghostwyvern
April 15 2018, 06:03:15
The typical technique mystery writers use is to write the ending first. I'm sure you're aware of this. In that way, they're able to come up with clues that would lead to the appropriate character. But, not every mystery writer is very skilled. Kat Ross's semi-historical fantasy books are well written, but her mystery books have a few moments where the detective character notices things that the book didn't describe in the environment at all. So while they don't directly reveal the culprit--you still need to piece together the clues--I feel like the reader misses out by not being allowed the opportunity to find the clues at the same time as/before the detective. But maybe that's just me.
theepistler
April 15 2018, 09:19:24
Yeah, trying to figure out the mystery along with the characters is half the fun of any mystery/detective story. If you don't give people that
opportunity they're going to get annoyed at you.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 20:11:36
PS: Hurry up and spork that chapter! We're way behind!
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 20:15:04
I'll be on it ASAP... I was too tired to do much tonight because we were shorthanded at work and had to pick up so much slack that I felt like I'd
had a sack of bricks dropped on me.
bewdtamer19
April 10 2018, 15:48:28
Anyone who thinks this is a "feminist" series can kiss the darkest part of my lily-white ass.
theepistler
April 10 2018, 22:22:43
...who?
Anonymous
April 11 2018, 11:38:25
Characters from Criminal Minds.
theepistler
April 11 2018, 13:19:19
Highly appropriate considering that StarDrifter will ultimately be revealed as a serial rapist and sexual predator. No I'm not kidding. He sexually assaults a woman in this book. But you're just supposed to see it as the old rascal being too forward, har har.
thegharialguy
April 11 2018, 09:22:23 Edited: April 11 2018, 09:30:41
I do like the idea of the villain trying to utilize the power of love on the hero. It's not something you see much. The only other example I can think of is the really weird Nintendo 64 game Sin and Punishment, where the villain tries to make a super soldier using the power of love, but the protagonist rejects her because he just doesn't love his girlfriend (yet, he still cares for her a great deal, but there are parts of him that he still wants to keep secret from her and vice versa, it's actually really cool and really sweet).
EDIT:Thinking over the bad guys comment here again, it probably more along the lines of "Your compassion is your weakness!" rather than trying to literally use any magical power of love laser beams, which is actually far more generic than I was giving previous credit for.
theepistler
April 11 2018, 10:04:10
It could be a really good idea, yeah. But all that actually happens in this trilogy is
[SPOILER]
Gorgrael kidnaps Faraday and uses her as a hostage and Axis has to decide whether to save her or let her die.
[SPOILER]
(...he lets her die horribly.)
Anonymous
April 11 2018, 10:32:11
Haha. Nice.
(I'm celebrating the death of a, presumably innocent, fictional character and I legitimately don't know why)
theepistler
April 11 2018, 10:55:11 Edited: April 11 2018, 10:55:44
This is why readers ultimately became very sympathetic toward Faraday and were upset that her own author apparently hated her. The poor thing is cheated on by her One True Love (after saving his life repeatedly, no less), is misused by him in other even worse ways (seriously - not only does he lie about having a new girlfriend and a child, but he continues to lie about being promised to Faraday, sleeps with her, gets her pregnant... and then names his existing bastard son as the heir to the throne. In public. Right in front of her. That's seriously how she finds out he cheated. All Axis feels about this are some vague guilt trips which conveniently go away).
And then she gets ripped in half by the villain after the supposed hero refuses to save her. Huzzah!
Honestly, she's the closest thing to an actual hero in the entire trilogy. Faraday sacrifices everything and gets no reward. Axis and Azhure, aka King and Queen Sue, sacrifice nothing and get everything.
thegharialguy
April 11 2018, 16:21:42
Oh wow. That's harsh. Really wonder what the author's angle was.
theepistler
April 11 2018, 17:33:12
Well, she gave ten foot thick carbon steel infinitely impenetrable plot armour to a serial sexual abuser who does such charming things as fantacise about fucking his unborn granddaughter, so...
theepistler
April 12 2018, 18:00:26 Edited: April 12 2018, 18:00:56
I went back and re-read the scene, and turns out I was misremembering - Axis doesn't actually get told to give up or the girl gets it. Instead Gorgrael has her at his mercy and Axis just charges in and attacks without so much as a thought for her safety. He is then totally shocked when this results in her getting disemboweled and has a big weepy session afterwards, woe is me, the girl I screwed over is dead, bawww.
snarkbotanya
April 13 2018, 05:39:54
From what I've read, Sara Douglass really hated Faraday and wanted to kill her off sooner, but everyone kept telling her not to. So I guess writing a scene where she got disemboweled was a bit of a "FINALLY!" moment for her.
This bit really just comes off as pointless and just there to make Axis sound impressive, which doesn’t work because we haven’t seen StarDrifter use any magic other than that one small spell he used in the last book, and we have absolutely no indication of what Axis’ new powers actually are other than some vague references to enhanced eyesight. So it’s entirely meaningless.
StarDrifter invites Azhure to join them for the afternoon’s training, but Azhure says no thanks because she’s promised to go with EvenSong. She leaves, and StarDrifter says “imagine the Enchanters she would bear”. Because that’s what women are for – our awesomeness is always defined by having kids who are awesome. You misogynistic asshole. He then tells Axis that before the “Wars of the Axe” a lot of Icarii dudes chose to breed with human women. Um, why didn’t any of the female Icarii Enchanters sleep with humans? Do they not count? StarDrifter adds that human blood is said to add “vitality” to the Icarii race and Axis is proof of that.
Axis is pissed, quite rightly suspecting that StarDrifter is planning to have it off with Azhure, and StarDrifter claims to love Rivkah and that he proved it by marrying her, because in the past the Icarii “birdmen” just grabbed the babies and flew off with them without so much as a thought for the mothers. Axis is “appalled” by this evidence of “Icarii insensitivity”, and finally understands why people hated them enough to boot them out of the country. You mean the eeeevil Seneschal might actually have had a point? Heaven forfend! And of course, Axis knows aaaall about treating other people and particularly women with “sensitivity”, sweetheart that he is.
The chapter ends with Axis reflecting that the Icarii have “a lot to learn about compassion”. And you would of course be the perfect guy to help them with that, right? Because you’re so very kind and loving and concerned with other people’s feelings yourself. You’re totally not just as much of a selfish misogynistic bastard as StarDrifter. If you ask me, those two jerks deserve each other. God I forgot how awful the misogyny is in this trilogy. Anyone who thinks this is a “feminist” series can kiss the darkest part of my lily-white ass.
30 comments
snarkbotanya
April 10 2018, 15:39:03 Edited: April 10 2018, 15:41:46
The Dark Music. It sounds like the title of a bad metal album.
Nah, that's generous. It sounds like the title an emo kid gives their playlist.
The Dark Man also taught him how to use the Dark Music… I swear I can feel my braincells dying as I type this.
Did Sara Douglass write these books using placeholder names until she could come up with something good and then just forget to replace them with actual names? Because that's what this is starting to feel like.
(great, another crap fantasy series with useless apostrophes in the middle of people’s names)
The only times I'll accept an apostrophe in a fantasy word/name is when it's a) a contraction or b) representing a glottal stop or similar consonant.
We’re seriously still using the word “nibbling” to refer to the supposedly scary monsters, author?
All I can hear when I read "nibbling" is Markiplier yelling "AAAAAHHHH IT WANTS TO NIBBLE MY GIBLETS!"
He doesn’t trust Faraday any more either, because he’s quite rightly suspicious that she’s secretly In Love with Axis.
Didn't she and Axis make out in front of him in the last book? Borneheld, you don't have to be suspicious that Faraday is cheating on you... YOU'VE SEEN THAT SHE IS!
The author then pulls something which should be punished with immediate dunking in a vat of snail slime – that is, she tells us that when Axis was reunited with Rivkah at last it was really sweet and emotional and blah blah blah and the reunion was “healing” for both of them, and how their relationship is warm and loving, etc. etc.
So wait... she made a Big Fucking Deal of how Axis was shocked and amazed to find out his mother was alive, basically built it up that he was being reunited with his family... and then didn't show us the reunion with his mom? I guess only the father is important in this fucking book, then... fucking fuck! I just... I fucking hate when women in fantasy novels are pretty much only there to be The Mother Of The Hero. Rivkah is basically Selena, except she's alive and useless instead of dead and useless.
He sings a Magic Song and it starts to rain “Moonwildflowers”.
Good gods. That name actually made me feel ill. Thoth, god of scribes, please smite this affront to writing!
Predictably he hits on Azhure, and thinks about how she should wear some nice dresses instead of pants.
FUCK YOU STARDRIFTER I'LL WEAR PANTS IF I DAMN WELL WANT AND IF YOU TRY TO HIT ON ME I'LL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF AND CLIP YOUR FLIGHT FEATHERS!
StarDrifter is Totally Jealous of him because he’s becoming more and more powerful and will soon be more powerful than himself, and he’s always liked being “the most powerful Icarii Enchanter alive”.
Actually, I might just rip his balls off anyway, because clearly this guy is not mature enough to be a father and needs to have his genitals confiscated until he grows the fuck up.
She leaves, and StarDrifter says “imagine the Enchanters she would bear”. Because that’s what women are for – our awesomeness is always defined by having kids who are awesome. You misogynistic asshole.
*grabs a razor*
DIE STARDRIFTER YOU SEXIST PIECE OF SHIT!
Anyone who thinks this is a “feminist” series can kiss the darkest part of my lily-white ass.
Seconded. I mean... what the fuck is this bullshit?
theepistler
April 12 2018, 17:52:15 Edited: April 12 2018, 17:58:10
Nah, that's generous. It sounds like the title an emo kid gives their playlist.
I actually Googled it out of sheer curiosity to see if there really IS a metal album called that. Lo and behold, what I found was multiple emo playlists on YouTube. Multiple.
Did Sara Douglass write these books using placeholder names until she could come up with something good and then just forget to replace them with actual names? Because that's what this is starting to feel like.
I know, right? It's like I'm reading No Name Brand fantasy. I mean, FFS, Gorgrael lives in "the Ice Fortress". Because it is a fortress. Which is made out of ice. GET IT??
Didn't she and Axis make out in front of him in the last book? Borneheld, you don't have to be suspicious that Faraday is cheating on you... YOU'VE SEEN THAT SHE IS!
Yes they did, plus Faraday said, and I quote "I will strive to live and hope that you will live for me!" Right in front of Borneheld. (Okay she was whispering, but I'm pretty sure the guy's not deaf).
So wait... she made a Big Fucking Deal of how Axis was shocked and amazed to find out his mother was alive, basically built it up that he was being reunited with his family... and then didn't show us the reunion with his mom? I guess only the father is important in this fucking book, then... fucking fuck! I just... I fucking hate when women in fantasy novels are pretty much only there to be The Mother Of The Hero. Rivkah is basically Selena, except she's alive and useless instead of dead and useless.
Yup. Rivkah and Axis' relationship gets zero development. Later on we just get the odd moment where the author says something like "they chatted about their likes and dislikes and it was very nice". Rivkah's only further role in this series is to hang around providing hand-patting and huggies for Axis' new and improved love interest, and then have another romance and pop out another kid. (Who will grow up to be an asshole. Like pretty much every kid born in this trilogy).
Good gods. That name actually made me feel ill. Thoth, god of scribes, please smite this affront to writing!
Sounds like a really bad brand of perfume, doesn't it?
FUCK YOU STARDRIFTER I'LL WEAR PANTS IF I DAMN WELL WANT AND IF YOU TRY TO HIT ON ME I'LL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF AND CLIP YOUR FLIGHT FEATHERS!
Seconded. The guy thinks women exist purely for him to ogle and have sex with as and when he pleases. Whether they like it or not.
Actually, I might just rip his balls off anyway, because clearly this guy is not mature enough to be a father and needs to have his genitals confiscated until he grows the fuck up.
Yup. The guy's supposed to be like 100 years old or something but he acts like he's thirteen. No this will never change.
snarkbotanya
April 13 2018, 05:42:35
Lo and behold, what I found was multiple emo playlists on YouTube. Multiple.
Called it!
Rivkah's only further role in this series is to hang around providing hand-patting and huggies for Axis' new and improved love interest, and then have another romance and pop out another kid.
So she's a womb on legs who doubles as a pillow to cry into.
(Who will grow up to be an asshole. Like pretty much every kid born in this trilogy).
Because Sara Douglass can't write characters who aren't assholes for shit. She's a lot like Stephenie Meyer that way.
The guy's supposed to be like 100 years old or something but he acts like he's thirteen.
theepistler
April 13 2018, 07:44:47
Case in point. That's pretty much how all of Meyer's vampires act, regardless of age.
I have a theory that characters in a novel can only be as smart and mature as the author who wrote them. You see it most starkly when someone tries to write a genius but the character is really just written as an average idiot the author keeps telling you has an IQ of five million on the basis of no evidence. Meanwhile Smeyer clearly thinks Bella Swan is OMG so mature for her age, because apparently swooning over some jackass and then throwing yourself off a cliff is this author's idea of "mature". Ouch.
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 17:47:08
That is true, though I might add another factor and say that character intelligence is a function of author intelligence and author effort. An author who isn't necessarily a genius can still write a convincing genius if they put in enough effort into making their genius believable, while an author who is a genius can end up writing a bunch of utter morons if they don't put any effort into their characters.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 17:56:32
That's also true. There's always the temptation to go the lazy route and have your "genius" character just magically figure things out without bothering to show how they did it. I read a book recently where the character is supposed to be a Sherlock Holmes
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 20:01:28
Mystery in general must be a horribly hard genre to write, especially if you have a "detective" character, because it relies on the author's ability to conceal things from the readers while still leaving enough clues for the detective's deduction to make sense. Drop too many clues (or one clue that's too obvious) and you risk having all the readers sitting there with their heads in their hands going, "it was the taxi driver"* for at least half the book. Drop too few clues, and the detective's deduction becomes an Ass Pull and leaves the readers going "wait, what the FUCK?"
*The first episode of BBC Sherlock, I figured out it was the taxi driver way before the reveal and thus spent a good chunk the episode saying exactly this. To be fair, though, that might have been my Trope Sense; BBC Sherlock tends way more toward the Ass Pull direction, especially in the later seasons.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 20:10:53
Yeah, any sort of fictional mystery is a bitch to write. My own technique is frequently to conceal the answer from everyone... including myself. I'm writing a book with a major mystery in it right now, and I have no more idea than the protagonists do just who was behind [SPOILER]. So essentially I'm figuring it out along with them. It's fun!
(Personally I'm with the main character's theory that the government was behind the whole thing. You just can't trust those bastards).
Ugh, Sherlock. I LOVED that show... for the first two seasons. I quit watching well before the ridiculous "Sherlock has a secret evil sister!" plotline showed up. It was just getting ridiculous. And quite honestly, stupid.
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 20:20:37
You made a good call. It only got even more ridiculous from there. Euros Holmes is made of bullshit.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 20:21:38
Urgh, even her name is ridiculous.
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 20:25:58
Eyyup. Not to mention it's technically masculine... and usually it's anglicized as "Eurus"... I'd usually be happy that they went for the spelling closer to the original Greek, because I am one of those people who prefers "Hektor" to "Hector", "Herakles" to "Heracles", and "Erebos" to "Erebus", but the way they spell it, you want to say "euros", like the currency.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 20:41:44
Honestly, for a moment there I thought you were referring to some new plotline where they go to Eastern Europe or something, just like all those even worse sequels to bad comedies. If and when they do THAT, the series will have officially jumped the Megalodon.
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 20:47:35
LOL! Yeah, that would definitely be a Megalodon-jump... but really, I think what went down in Season 4 is definitely at least a Whale Shark Jump.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 23:14:28
Ugh. At the risk of sounding mean, I don't think the people writing that show are as clever as they think they are.
ghostwyvern
April 15 2018, 06:03:15
The typical technique mystery writers use is to write the ending first. I'm sure you're aware of this. In that way, they're able to come up with clues that would lead to the appropriate character. But, not every mystery writer is very skilled. Kat Ross's semi-historical fantasy books are well written, but her mystery books have a few moments where the detective character notices things that the book didn't describe in the environment at all. So while they don't directly reveal the culprit--you still need to piece together the clues--I feel like the reader misses out by not being allowed the opportunity to find the clues at the same time as/before the detective. But maybe that's just me.
theepistler
April 15 2018, 09:19:24
Yeah, trying to figure out the mystery along with the characters is half the fun of any mystery/detective story. If you don't give people that
opportunity they're going to get annoyed at you.
theepistler
April 14 2018, 20:11:36
PS: Hurry up and spork that chapter! We're way behind!
snarkbotanya
April 14 2018, 20:15:04
I'll be on it ASAP... I was too tired to do much tonight because we were shorthanded at work and had to pick up so much slack that I felt like I'd
had a sack of bricks dropped on me.
bewdtamer19
April 10 2018, 15:48:28
Anyone who thinks this is a "feminist" series can kiss the darkest part of my lily-white ass.
theepistler
April 10 2018, 22:22:43
...who?
Anonymous
April 11 2018, 11:38:25
Characters from Criminal Minds.
theepistler
April 11 2018, 13:19:19
Highly appropriate considering that StarDrifter will ultimately be revealed as a serial rapist and sexual predator. No I'm not kidding. He sexually assaults a woman in this book. But you're just supposed to see it as the old rascal being too forward, har har.
thegharialguy
April 11 2018, 09:22:23 Edited: April 11 2018, 09:30:41
I do like the idea of the villain trying to utilize the power of love on the hero. It's not something you see much. The only other example I can think of is the really weird Nintendo 64 game Sin and Punishment, where the villain tries to make a super soldier using the power of love, but the protagonist rejects her because he just doesn't love his girlfriend (yet, he still cares for her a great deal, but there are parts of him that he still wants to keep secret from her and vice versa, it's actually really cool and really sweet).
EDIT:Thinking over the bad guys comment here again, it probably more along the lines of "Your compassion is your weakness!" rather than trying to literally use any magical power of love laser beams, which is actually far more generic than I was giving previous credit for.
theepistler
April 11 2018, 10:04:10
It could be a really good idea, yeah. But all that actually happens in this trilogy is
[SPOILER]
Gorgrael kidnaps Faraday and uses her as a hostage and Axis has to decide whether to save her or let her die.
[SPOILER]
(...he lets her die horribly.)
Anonymous
April 11 2018, 10:32:11
Haha. Nice.
(I'm celebrating the death of a, presumably innocent, fictional character and I legitimately don't know why)
theepistler
April 11 2018, 10:55:11 Edited: April 11 2018, 10:55:44
This is why readers ultimately became very sympathetic toward Faraday and were upset that her own author apparently hated her. The poor thing is cheated on by her One True Love (after saving his life repeatedly, no less), is misused by him in other even worse ways (seriously - not only does he lie about having a new girlfriend and a child, but he continues to lie about being promised to Faraday, sleeps with her, gets her pregnant... and then names his existing bastard son as the heir to the throne. In public. Right in front of her. That's seriously how she finds out he cheated. All Axis feels about this are some vague guilt trips which conveniently go away).
And then she gets ripped in half by the villain after the supposed hero refuses to save her. Huzzah!
Honestly, she's the closest thing to an actual hero in the entire trilogy. Faraday sacrifices everything and gets no reward. Axis and Azhure, aka King and Queen Sue, sacrifice nothing and get everything.
thegharialguy
April 11 2018, 16:21:42
Oh wow. That's harsh. Really wonder what the author's angle was.
theepistler
April 11 2018, 17:33:12
Well, she gave ten foot thick carbon steel infinitely impenetrable plot armour to a serial sexual abuser who does such charming things as fantacise about fucking his unborn granddaughter, so...
theepistler
April 12 2018, 18:00:26 Edited: April 12 2018, 18:00:56
I went back and re-read the scene, and turns out I was misremembering - Axis doesn't actually get told to give up or the girl gets it. Instead Gorgrael has her at his mercy and Axis just charges in and attacks without so much as a thought for her safety. He is then totally shocked when this results in her getting disemboweled and has a big weepy session afterwards, woe is me, the girl I screwed over is dead, bawww.
snarkbotanya
April 13 2018, 05:39:54
From what I've read, Sara Douglass really hated Faraday and wanted to kill her off sooner, but everyone kept telling her not to. So I guess writing a scene where she got disemboweled was a bit of a "FINALLY!" moment for her.