Enchanter Sporking: Part Nine
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theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-04-28 19:03:00
LOCATION: European Union, Bulgaria
MOOD:
irritatedEnchanter Sporking: Part Nine
Okay, guys, strap yourselves in - this is where it REALLY starts to get ridiculous. And before we begin, a quick disclaimer: I hereby solemnly swear with my hand on a stack of King James Brown Bibles that I did NOT make up any of the insane shit that happens in this part of the book just to screw with you. No joking around - it's really in there.
All of it.
Yes, including the raisin cookies.
Joy of joys, the next chapter returns to Odgen and Veremund, who I wish would get run over by a thresher machine. They’re hiking to Sigholt as planned, so of course we get lots of description of the forest which is all beautiful and shit. We’re also informed that the two assholes are enjoying being with Azhure and Rivkah, who are all serene and gentle and whatever. Because they’re women. All women are nice and sweet and pleasant to be around 24-7. Otherwise they wouldn’t be “feminine”, you know. Even though Azhure has been quite well established to have a nasty temper and a violent streak.
Then Rivkah makes up a pretext to get rid of Veremund (thankyou) so she can talk to Azhure in private. She’s very nice and understanding about the whole “you fucked my son” thing, and tells her about how tough it is being in a relationship with an Enchanter. Azhure nobly says she’s fine with Axis loving Faraday and not her, but adds that she’s worried Faraday will have the same problems Rivkah had with StarDrifter. Rivkah “gently” points out that Faraday isn’t fully human any more and might be super long-lived like Axis. Azhure replies that her own thing with Axis was just a one night stand and she can walk away. Rivkah implies that Axis will come after her, which just just a little bit horrifying. Oh wait – make that extremely horrifying.
Cut back to Ogden and Veremund, who are of course talking about Azhure and how she’s special and amazing and wonderful and they can’t help but like her. Veremund says she has “a power about her [snip] but it is covered with a thick blanket of fear”. Is that anything like a blanket of hurt, anger and sorrow? I thought those only showed up when sociopathic dragon riders were around.
Anyway, so then Veremund says Azhure has “the qualities of a hero” (…such as?) and one day she’ll claim some nebulous birthright or other. Yeah, and it won’t be a pretty sight. See, it's not enough to be a great person who achieves impressive things - you also have to be Born Special. Because if you're not Born Special that means you're just an NPC who doesn't get to do anything important other than kiss a lot of Sue ass.
Blah blah, more travelling and then… oh my GODS you are not prepared for this. Ogden and Veremund lead the way through an underground crevasse and into… a traffic tunnel with a modern tar covered highway in it.
No I’m not kidding. It’s black and smooth and has “yellow lines” running down the center, and as they enter a bunch of electronic lights automatically click on. It’s a fucking 20th century highway!
Veremund says they don’t know who built it but there’s a bunch of them underneath Tencendor and they’re extremely old.
So… is this actually postapocalyptic Earth? I don’t know – this comes right the fuck out of nowhere! I really wasn’t joking when I said this series is completely insane, you guys.
Then Ogden pulls out “a platter of raisin cookies”.
So now they’re eating cookies. On an underground highway. With electric lighting. Is this what being strung out on LSD feels like?
Mercifully, after a lot of boring description of them walking and walking and then… more walking, they emerge from the underground highway with electric lighting where they ate raisin cookies. Because this novel is now officially on crack.
It’s really fuck-off cold, and Ogden calls Azhure “lovely lady”, which should have resulted in him getting the taste smacked out of his mouth, but no such luck.
Now we’re back to bad fantasy, as the four of them put on cloaks and blah blah blah travelling and landscape descriptions, blah blah. It’s as tedious as you would expect, and it’s half the reason why I usually avoid reading high fantasy. It’s like thanks to Tolkien, everybody who writes in the genre nowadays thinks you’ve got to have lots and lots of travelling around and scenery descriptions which add nothing to the story.
And if you’re really unlucky, endless poems and songs. Most of them written by people who suck at poetry.
The chapter ends with Rivkah angsting about whether Axis will be able to defeat Gorgrael’s “powerful enchantments”. Given that the guy has the IQ of a turnip and Axis is Super Mary Sue Axis now, I’m not exactly worried.
…raisin cookies. Seriously.
The next chapter returns to the pigs that aren’t pigs any more, and apparently they’re called the “Alaunt” now. Azhure and co. hear them howling, and are worried that they’re being chased. Veremund says they’re “Alaunt hounds” and they’re deadlier than Skraelings (in other words, slightly more threatening than a basket of sleepy kittens?).
Rivkah says there are stories about them – they’re enchanted hounds who hunt people down and are impossible to escape. Azhure goes all Action Hero and says they’ll just have to kill them and gets the Wolven ready. Veremund dithers like the moron he is, and – oh, hallelujah! – Azhure slaps him in the face and tells him to shut up. Bless you, Azhure.
Rivkah, meanwhile, silently angsts about how she wishes she’d stayed with StarDrifter and thinks about her supposedly imminent death. Ahahahah. You’re with a Sue, Rivkah. You’re going to be just fine.
The Alaunt surround them, and they’re really fuck-off huge. As in the size of donkeys. Azhure shoots at one of them, but the thing catches the arrow in midair.
And then Azhure and the other three get ripped to shreds, the end.
Oh wait – Azhure is a Sue, so that’s not an option.
The dog (fuck calling them by that fakey made-up name)… carries the arrow back to her and then lies down in front of her and asks for pats. Fake-out!
Yup, the big scary hounds that just got introduced out of nowhere are Azhure’s personal pets now.
Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
Cut to everyone just chilling while one of the dogs rests his head on Azhure’s lap like a good little pupper. Oh, and all the giant magic dog thingies are white with gold trimmings. Yes, really. Dogs with gold trimmings.
Someone please just shoot me now.
Ogden exposits that the hounds belonged to WolfStar, who bred them especially, and the lead hound’s name is Sicarius. What the hell would a flying magic guy want with a bunch of dogs? Wouldn’t an airbourne hunter want something that can also fly? Like, giant bats or something? Am I putting more thought into this than the author did?
(Yes).
Azhure remarks that she just seems to keep on acquiring WolfStar’s stuff, and asks who the hell he even is/was. We now finally get some information about the guy – apparently he was the most powerful Icarii Enchanter ever, possibly even more so than Axis SueSoar, and the Icarii don’t like to talk about him and the horrible things he did. (I've noticed the author loves using the word "powerful" in reference to magic, but it's such a nebulous term it's almost meaningless). Ogden says he died young, when his own brother assassinated him in front of the entire Icarii council and nobody did anything to help. Supposedly he died “alone and unloved in a pool of blood”.
Whereupon we get some of the most contrived angst I’ve ever seen in my life, as Azhure cries and thinks about how she knows what it’s like to be “alone and unloved”. Way to make it all about yourself, bitch. And for all you know the guy deserved it anyway. (Personally, I'm just writing off Azhure's Twagic Past(tm) as another Sue trait, because it does nothing other than clumsily try to make us like her).
The next chapter is still with Azhure, whose collection of special Sue belongings has now doubled, and Veremund tells her she’s “won [snip] some powerful and loyal companions”. Um, how? How did she “win” them? They just showed up out of nowhere and handed themselves over for free! And also they used to be pigs for some reason! God this some of the laziest, stupidest shit I’ve ever seen.
They speculate that maybe the dogs just follow whoever has the Wolven, but when Azhure hands it over to Rivkah and then walks off, they still go after her. So yep, they really were just drawn to the special snowflake Mary Sue awesome person who’s so awesome.
Even more boring travelling ensues, and apparently the magically appearing food Ogden and Veremund have now includes dog food. Which the dogs wait in line for. I don’t know about you, but I have never seen any animal queue up for food. They more tend to form a circle. That or they just bum rush you.
Finally they bump into Arne, who’s one of Axis’ guys. Rather refreshingly, he’s not happy to see Azhure and makes an accusing comment about how she hit Belial over the head in the last book. Azhure feels like a jerk but says nothing. (But of course there will not be any actual consequences for her actions, because Sue).
Then Rivkah is introduced, and I guess Arne – or as I’m now going to call him, Rimmer – already knows she was alive all this time, because rather than being surprised he grovels to her and calls her Princess. We’re now informed that Rimmer is “dour and uncommunicative”. That’s interesting, because we don’t even know him. Rivkah mentally fellates the guy, thinking about how he has “a good heart and honest intentions”. What are you basing that on, Rivkah? You just met him.
Finally Rimmer says to come with him and they’ll be escorted to Sigholt. Fricking finally. And who wants to bet that when Azhure meets Belial again, there will be absolutely no hard feelings about the giving him brain damage thing and he’ll be all smiley and happy to see her again? Bet you that’s exactly how it’s gonna play out. Bet you fifty bucks.
They reach Sigholt in the next scene, and Rivkah is amazed by how different it looks now. It’s now surrounded by a magic glowy steaming lake, and there’s lots of flowers and other plants growing since there’s more water now. It’s like something out of Fantasia, I swear. The Sigholt keep doesn’t look as dark and grim any more and now has “colourful pennants”, and supposedly it’s due to become “a paradise”. Because now it’s being occupied by Good Guys Who Are Good, of course it looks nice and pretty and happy. Just like how in The Lion King the Pride Lands went from wasteland to beautiful and verdant the moment the proper King was reinstated and the Bad Guys were presumably ground up and used as fertilizer.
Cut to Rimmer’s POV, and now he likes Azhure because she’s really good with a bow – better than even Belial, apparently. You know, the guy with actual training and a lifetime of experience. Plus the magic doggies are totally awesome and obey her every command because they’re so well-trained.
Except Azhure didn’t train them. And she didn’t work to learn how to use the stupid magic special Sue bow either. So neither one of these special accessories is winning the slightest admiration from me. And they shouldn’t be winning admiration from anyone else either. In fact people should be jealous and irritated. Not to mention – oh, I don’t know – suspicious?
So now it’s time to cross the talking bridge (gods that sounded goofy). Ogden and Veremund get across fine, but when it’s Rivkah’s turn the bridge isn’t happy because she used to be Duchess of Ichtar and also she cheated on her husband.
Looks like Rivkah’s gonna be sleeping outside.
Oh wait, instead the bridge just laughs because screw the Dukes of Ichtar, and “we’re gonna be friends!”. No, really. It actually says they’re going to be friends.
Rivkah is friends with a bridge now.
I’ve probably said this before, but what the hell was this author on? And might I add, this is one of those distasteful situations where being "pure of heart" really just means being on the "correct" side, ie. siding with the Sues. Actually keeping your word and being loyal and honest is completely irrelevant.
The ugly subtext here being that you cannot be a good and honest person if you're on the side the author doesn't like. Which is Protagonist Centered Morality in a fucking nutshell.
Azhure gets across okay, but then the bridge asks about her father and says it hasn’t encountered him in a long time. Azhure is confused and says the guy’s dead, and the bridge says that’s sad because it loved the guy even though plenty of other people didn’t.
Yeah, does anybody seriously still think Hagen, aka the fat evil priest guy who was evil and fat, was actually Azhure’s father? Because if you do, then speaking of bridges, I have a very nice one in Paris I would like to sell you.
With that over and done with, they’re greeted by Belial, who introduces himself to Rivkah and says he’s happy to see her. She answers that he’s been a good friend to her son. In other words he put up with Axis’ rudeness and general douchebaggery for some damn reason. To be fair, he must have the patience of a saint.
Then Belial turns his attention to Azhure and we get another fakeout moment where he tells her he should toss her in the lake for tricking him – all while thinking about how OMGs beautiful she is and smugly telling himself that life couldn’t get any better now she’s around. And then he just welcomes her to the fort. So much for that. (Told you so).
Now the visitors are introduced to Margarita, and Azhure thinks he’s totally handsome. It then turns out that he and Rivkah already know each other from when they lived in Carlon as children. They’re shall we say, very pleased to see each other and compliment each other’s looks. I think we can all guess where this is going. Rivkah’s single now, so here’s a convenient Compromise Guy falling right into her lap.
Then – ugh – Jackass shows up. He introduces himself to Azhure, and thinks about how unlike the other Sentinels – who we now learn were actively recruited by the Prophet – he knows the guy really well and has extra secret knowledge. Supposedly the stupid Prophecy has “deeper secrets” and Azhure is one of them. Surprise!
…no really, is anyone actually surprised? Also, did anyone spot the huge retcon in this scene? Because it’s, like, really easy to miss. *cough*
8 comments
snarkbotanya
May 3 2018, 15:53:45
Even though Azhure has been quite well established to have a nasty temper and a violent streak.
HINT, HINT.
Ogden and Veremund lead the way through an underground crevasse and into… a traffic tunnel with a modern tar covered highway in it.
...the fuck am I looking at?
It’s like thanks to Tolkien, everybody who writes in the genre nowadays thinks you’ve got to have lots and lots of travelling around and scenery descriptions which add nothing to the story.
Yeah... I'll admit that my novel has quite a bit of travel in it, but it's a) part of the characters' very plot-central job and b) condensed and mixed with plot and characterization so that no chapter in the book can simply be described as "they travel".
Someone please just shoot me now.
*shoots with the Mythbusters' penny-gun*
Azhure gets across okay, but then the bridge asks about her father and says it hasn’t encountered him in a long time. Azhure is confused and says the guy’s dead, and the bridge says that’s sad because it loved the guy even though plenty of other people didn’t.
HINT HINT.
I like that "how to tell if your character is a Mary-Sue" graphic, though I think some of Ami Machida's listed flaws are a little... faux-flaw-ish. "Can't dance" and "clumsy" are physical rather than character traits, the latter of which is a very common faux-flaw, and "cries too much" could easily be spun into something positive. "Bad at math" is a bit better.
theepistler
May 3 2018, 16:51:18
...the fuck am I looking at?
I have NO idea. You got sci fi in my fantasy! No, you got fantasy in my sci fi! (Something of a trend these days, I've noticed).
*shoots with the Mythbusters' penny-gun*
Ouch! *rubs ear*
I like that "how to tell if your character is a Mary-Sue" graphic, though I think some of Ami Machida's listed flaws are a little... faux-flaw-ish.
Yeah, they're being fairly generous with their definition of what doesn't count as a Sue "flaw". I mostly went with it because the picture was funny. :-p
Anonymous
May 3 2018, 17:39:29
The first thing I thought was, 'how were the streetlights working after all these years'
-TTT
theepistler
May 3 2018, 17:47:16
I have no freaking idea. "Magic", probably. >.>
Anonymous
May 3 2018, 22:14:47
"Bad at math" is a bit better.
Only in the sense that it is a character trait.
However, it should be avoided for female characters unless it is essential for that particular character to be bad at math in the story. Otherwise, it is nothing more than another example of the "all women are bad at math" stereotype and up the same annoying alley as
"All women are nice and sweet and pleasant to be around 24-7.
Otherwise they wouldn’t be “feminine”, you know."
Anon - 4.
.
theepistler
May 3 2018, 23:38:26
However, it should be avoided for female characters unless it is essential for that particular character to be bad at math in the story. Otherwise, it is nothing more than another example of the "all women are bad at math" stereotype.
Agreed. I was a terrible maths student in highschool, but honestly I think it was in part because I was subtly discouraged from trying all that hard at it. I have a naturally analytical mind and like putting things in order, so in theory I could have been very good at something as logic-based as mathematics, but somehow or other I got into this mindset of "I will always be bad at maths" well before I turned 13, and so I just plain stopped trying and started hating the subject. Even now I'm convinced I suck at numbers.
So clearly this is a stereotype we do not need to be reinforcing.
snarkbotanya
May 4 2018, 05:59:19
That's a good point, and brings up something that bothered me about all of those flaws: they're very stereotypically female (faux) flaws. "Cries too much" feeds into the "hysterical woman" stereotype, "can't dance" is a trait you'll never see pointed out as a flaw on a male character, "clumsy" is your typical "she needs a flaw, let's make her x" trait, and, well, you pointed out the problem with "bad at math."
To be fair, though, I would accept "bad at math" if it were clear that it wasn't a blanket statement about female characters. In isolation, it's a stereotype; however, if a female character who is bad at math is surrounded by other female students who don't have trouble with math, has to take a remedial maths class that includes male and female students, and ends up asking a female friend who tested past calculus to help her with her math homework, that's a bit better.
Still, it is better to work with genuine character flaws. Working with the "bad at math" example, that could be made more interesting if it wasn't a flaw in itself, but indicative of a character flaw such as "lazy" or "easily succumbs to societal pressure." She could turn out to actually be very good at math if she bothered to try.
Anonymous
May 9 2018, 19:15:34
Exactly. That is what I meant with "unless it is essential for that particular character to be bad at math in the story".
Anon - 4.
.
All of it.
Yes, including the raisin cookies.
Joy of joys, the next chapter returns to Odgen and Veremund, who I wish would get run over by a thresher machine. They’re hiking to Sigholt as planned, so of course we get lots of description of the forest which is all beautiful and shit. We’re also informed that the two assholes are enjoying being with Azhure and Rivkah, who are all serene and gentle and whatever. Because they’re women. All women are nice and sweet and pleasant to be around 24-7. Otherwise they wouldn’t be “feminine”, you know. Even though Azhure has been quite well established to have a nasty temper and a violent streak.
Then Rivkah makes up a pretext to get rid of Veremund (thankyou) so she can talk to Azhure in private. She’s very nice and understanding about the whole “you fucked my son” thing, and tells her about how tough it is being in a relationship with an Enchanter. Azhure nobly says she’s fine with Axis loving Faraday and not her, but adds that she’s worried Faraday will have the same problems Rivkah had with StarDrifter. Rivkah “gently” points out that Faraday isn’t fully human any more and might be super long-lived like Axis. Azhure replies that her own thing with Axis was just a one night stand and she can walk away. Rivkah implies that Axis will come after her, which just just a little bit horrifying. Oh wait – make that extremely horrifying.
Cut back to Ogden and Veremund, who are of course talking about Azhure and how she’s special and amazing and wonderful and they can’t help but like her. Veremund says she has “a power about her [snip] but it is covered with a thick blanket of fear”. Is that anything like a blanket of hurt, anger and sorrow? I thought those only showed up when sociopathic dragon riders were around.
Anyway, so then Veremund says Azhure has “the qualities of a hero” (…such as?) and one day she’ll claim some nebulous birthright or other. Yeah, and it won’t be a pretty sight. See, it's not enough to be a great person who achieves impressive things - you also have to be Born Special. Because if you're not Born Special that means you're just an NPC who doesn't get to do anything important other than kiss a lot of Sue ass.
Blah blah, more travelling and then… oh my GODS you are not prepared for this. Ogden and Veremund lead the way through an underground crevasse and into… a traffic tunnel with a modern tar covered highway in it.
No I’m not kidding. It’s black and smooth and has “yellow lines” running down the center, and as they enter a bunch of electronic lights automatically click on. It’s a fucking 20th century highway!
Veremund says they don’t know who built it but there’s a bunch of them underneath Tencendor and they’re extremely old.
So… is this actually postapocalyptic Earth? I don’t know – this comes right the fuck out of nowhere! I really wasn’t joking when I said this series is completely insane, you guys.
Then Ogden pulls out “a platter of raisin cookies”.
So now they’re eating cookies. On an underground highway. With electric lighting. Is this what being strung out on LSD feels like?
Mercifully, after a lot of boring description of them walking and walking and then… more walking, they emerge from the underground highway with electric lighting where they ate raisin cookies. Because this novel is now officially on crack.
It’s really fuck-off cold, and Ogden calls Azhure “lovely lady”, which should have resulted in him getting the taste smacked out of his mouth, but no such luck.
Now we’re back to bad fantasy, as the four of them put on cloaks and blah blah blah travelling and landscape descriptions, blah blah. It’s as tedious as you would expect, and it’s half the reason why I usually avoid reading high fantasy. It’s like thanks to Tolkien, everybody who writes in the genre nowadays thinks you’ve got to have lots and lots of travelling around and scenery descriptions which add nothing to the story.
And if you’re really unlucky, endless poems and songs. Most of them written by people who suck at poetry.
The chapter ends with Rivkah angsting about whether Axis will be able to defeat Gorgrael’s “powerful enchantments”. Given that the guy has the IQ of a turnip and Axis is Super Mary Sue Axis now, I’m not exactly worried.
…raisin cookies. Seriously.
Rivkah says there are stories about them – they’re enchanted hounds who hunt people down and are impossible to escape. Azhure goes all Action Hero and says they’ll just have to kill them and gets the Wolven ready. Veremund dithers like the moron he is, and – oh, hallelujah! – Azhure slaps him in the face and tells him to shut up. Bless you, Azhure.
Rivkah, meanwhile, silently angsts about how she wishes she’d stayed with StarDrifter and thinks about her supposedly imminent death. Ahahahah. You’re with a Sue, Rivkah. You’re going to be just fine.
The Alaunt surround them, and they’re really fuck-off huge. As in the size of donkeys. Azhure shoots at one of them, but the thing catches the arrow in midair.
And then Azhure and the other three get ripped to shreds, the end.
Oh wait – Azhure is a Sue, so that’s not an option.
The dog (fuck calling them by that fakey made-up name)… carries the arrow back to her and then lies down in front of her and asks for pats. Fake-out!
Yup, the big scary hounds that just got introduced out of nowhere are Azhure’s personal pets now.
Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
Cut to everyone just chilling while one of the dogs rests his head on Azhure’s lap like a good little pupper. Oh, and all the giant magic dog thingies are white with gold trimmings. Yes, really. Dogs with gold trimmings.
Someone please just shoot me now.
Ogden exposits that the hounds belonged to WolfStar, who bred them especially, and the lead hound’s name is Sicarius. What the hell would a flying magic guy want with a bunch of dogs? Wouldn’t an airbourne hunter want something that can also fly? Like, giant bats or something? Am I putting more thought into this than the author did?
(Yes).
Azhure remarks that she just seems to keep on acquiring WolfStar’s stuff, and asks who the hell he even is/was. We now finally get some information about the guy – apparently he was the most powerful Icarii Enchanter ever, possibly even more so than Axis SueSoar, and the Icarii don’t like to talk about him and the horrible things he did. (I've noticed the author loves using the word "powerful" in reference to magic, but it's such a nebulous term it's almost meaningless). Ogden says he died young, when his own brother assassinated him in front of the entire Icarii council and nobody did anything to help. Supposedly he died “alone and unloved in a pool of blood”.
Whereupon we get some of the most contrived angst I’ve ever seen in my life, as Azhure cries and thinks about how she knows what it’s like to be “alone and unloved”. Way to make it all about yourself, bitch. And for all you know the guy deserved it anyway. (Personally, I'm just writing off Azhure's Twagic Past(tm) as another Sue trait, because it does nothing other than clumsily try to make us like her).
The next chapter is still with Azhure, whose collection of special Sue belongings has now doubled, and Veremund tells her she’s “won [snip] some powerful and loyal companions”. Um, how? How did she “win” them? They just showed up out of nowhere and handed themselves over for free! And also they used to be pigs for some reason! God this some of the laziest, stupidest shit I’ve ever seen.
They speculate that maybe the dogs just follow whoever has the Wolven, but when Azhure hands it over to Rivkah and then walks off, they still go after her. So yep, they really were just drawn to the special snowflake Mary Sue awesome person who’s so awesome.
Even more boring travelling ensues, and apparently the magically appearing food Ogden and Veremund have now includes dog food. Which the dogs wait in line for. I don’t know about you, but I have never seen any animal queue up for food. They more tend to form a circle. That or they just bum rush you.
Finally they bump into Arne, who’s one of Axis’ guys. Rather refreshingly, he’s not happy to see Azhure and makes an accusing comment about how she hit Belial over the head in the last book. Azhure feels like a jerk but says nothing. (But of course there will not be any actual consequences for her actions, because Sue).
Then Rivkah is introduced, and I guess Arne – or as I’m now going to call him, Rimmer – already knows she was alive all this time, because rather than being surprised he grovels to her and calls her Princess. We’re now informed that Rimmer is “dour and uncommunicative”. That’s interesting, because we don’t even know him. Rivkah mentally fellates the guy, thinking about how he has “a good heart and honest intentions”. What are you basing that on, Rivkah? You just met him.
Finally Rimmer says to come with him and they’ll be escorted to Sigholt. Fricking finally. And who wants to bet that when Azhure meets Belial again, there will be absolutely no hard feelings about the giving him brain damage thing and he’ll be all smiley and happy to see her again? Bet you that’s exactly how it’s gonna play out. Bet you fifty bucks.
They reach Sigholt in the next scene, and Rivkah is amazed by how different it looks now. It’s now surrounded by a magic glowy steaming lake, and there’s lots of flowers and other plants growing since there’s more water now. It’s like something out of Fantasia, I swear. The Sigholt keep doesn’t look as dark and grim any more and now has “colourful pennants”, and supposedly it’s due to become “a paradise”. Because now it’s being occupied by Good Guys Who Are Good, of course it looks nice and pretty and happy. Just like how in The Lion King the Pride Lands went from wasteland to beautiful and verdant the moment the proper King was reinstated and the Bad Guys were presumably ground up and used as fertilizer.
Cut to Rimmer’s POV, and now he likes Azhure because she’s really good with a bow – better than even Belial, apparently. You know, the guy with actual training and a lifetime of experience. Plus the magic doggies are totally awesome and obey her every command because they’re so well-trained.
Except Azhure didn’t train them. And she didn’t work to learn how to use the stupid magic special Sue bow either. So neither one of these special accessories is winning the slightest admiration from me. And they shouldn’t be winning admiration from anyone else either. In fact people should be jealous and irritated. Not to mention – oh, I don’t know – suspicious?
So now it’s time to cross the talking bridge (gods that sounded goofy). Ogden and Veremund get across fine, but when it’s Rivkah’s turn the bridge isn’t happy because she used to be Duchess of Ichtar and also she cheated on her husband.
Looks like Rivkah’s gonna be sleeping outside.
Oh wait, instead the bridge just laughs because screw the Dukes of Ichtar, and “we’re gonna be friends!”. No, really. It actually says they’re going to be friends.
Rivkah is friends with a bridge now.
I’ve probably said this before, but what the hell was this author on? And might I add, this is one of those distasteful situations where being "pure of heart" really just means being on the "correct" side, ie. siding with the Sues. Actually keeping your word and being loyal and honest is completely irrelevant.
The ugly subtext here being that you cannot be a good and honest person if you're on the side the author doesn't like. Which is Protagonist Centered Morality in a fucking nutshell.
Azhure gets across okay, but then the bridge asks about her father and says it hasn’t encountered him in a long time. Azhure is confused and says the guy’s dead, and the bridge says that’s sad because it loved the guy even though plenty of other people didn’t.
Yeah, does anybody seriously still think Hagen, aka the fat evil priest guy who was evil and fat, was actually Azhure’s father? Because if you do, then speaking of bridges, I have a very nice one in Paris I would like to sell you.
With that over and done with, they’re greeted by Belial, who introduces himself to Rivkah and says he’s happy to see her. She answers that he’s been a good friend to her son. In other words he put up with Axis’ rudeness and general douchebaggery for some damn reason. To be fair, he must have the patience of a saint.
Then Belial turns his attention to Azhure and we get another fakeout moment where he tells her he should toss her in the lake for tricking him – all while thinking about how OMGs beautiful she is and smugly telling himself that life couldn’t get any better now she’s around. And then he just welcomes her to the fort. So much for that. (Told you so).
Now the visitors are introduced to Margarita, and Azhure thinks he’s totally handsome. It then turns out that he and Rivkah already know each other from when they lived in Carlon as children. They’re shall we say, very pleased to see each other and compliment each other’s looks. I think we can all guess where this is going. Rivkah’s single now, so here’s a convenient Compromise Guy falling right into her lap.
Then – ugh – Jackass shows up. He introduces himself to Azhure, and thinks about how unlike the other Sentinels – who we now learn were actively recruited by the Prophet – he knows the guy really well and has extra secret knowledge. Supposedly the stupid Prophecy has “deeper secrets” and Azhure is one of them. Surprise!
…no really, is anyone actually surprised? Also, did anyone spot the huge retcon in this scene? Because it’s, like, really easy to miss. *cough*
8 comments
snarkbotanya
May 3 2018, 15:53:45
Even though Azhure has been quite well established to have a nasty temper and a violent streak.
HINT, HINT.
Ogden and Veremund lead the way through an underground crevasse and into… a traffic tunnel with a modern tar covered highway in it.
...the fuck am I looking at?
It’s like thanks to Tolkien, everybody who writes in the genre nowadays thinks you’ve got to have lots and lots of travelling around and scenery descriptions which add nothing to the story.
Yeah... I'll admit that my novel has quite a bit of travel in it, but it's a) part of the characters' very plot-central job and b) condensed and mixed with plot and characterization so that no chapter in the book can simply be described as "they travel".
Someone please just shoot me now.
*shoots with the Mythbusters' penny-gun*
Azhure gets across okay, but then the bridge asks about her father and says it hasn’t encountered him in a long time. Azhure is confused and says the guy’s dead, and the bridge says that’s sad because it loved the guy even though plenty of other people didn’t.
HINT HINT.
I like that "how to tell if your character is a Mary-Sue" graphic, though I think some of Ami Machida's listed flaws are a little... faux-flaw-ish. "Can't dance" and "clumsy" are physical rather than character traits, the latter of which is a very common faux-flaw, and "cries too much" could easily be spun into something positive. "Bad at math" is a bit better.
theepistler
May 3 2018, 16:51:18
...the fuck am I looking at?
I have NO idea. You got sci fi in my fantasy! No, you got fantasy in my sci fi! (Something of a trend these days, I've noticed).
*shoots with the Mythbusters' penny-gun*
Ouch! *rubs ear*
I like that "how to tell if your character is a Mary-Sue" graphic, though I think some of Ami Machida's listed flaws are a little... faux-flaw-ish.
Yeah, they're being fairly generous with their definition of what doesn't count as a Sue "flaw". I mostly went with it because the picture was funny. :-p
Anonymous
May 3 2018, 17:39:29
The first thing I thought was, 'how were the streetlights working after all these years'
-TTT
theepistler
May 3 2018, 17:47:16
I have no freaking idea. "Magic", probably. >.>
Anonymous
May 3 2018, 22:14:47
"Bad at math" is a bit better.
Only in the sense that it is a character trait.
However, it should be avoided for female characters unless it is essential for that particular character to be bad at math in the story. Otherwise, it is nothing more than another example of the "all women are bad at math" stereotype and up the same annoying alley as
"All women are nice and sweet and pleasant to be around 24-7.
Otherwise they wouldn’t be “feminine”, you know."
Anon - 4.
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theepistler
May 3 2018, 23:38:26
However, it should be avoided for female characters unless it is essential for that particular character to be bad at math in the story. Otherwise, it is nothing more than another example of the "all women are bad at math" stereotype.
Agreed. I was a terrible maths student in highschool, but honestly I think it was in part because I was subtly discouraged from trying all that hard at it. I have a naturally analytical mind and like putting things in order, so in theory I could have been very good at something as logic-based as mathematics, but somehow or other I got into this mindset of "I will always be bad at maths" well before I turned 13, and so I just plain stopped trying and started hating the subject. Even now I'm convinced I suck at numbers.
So clearly this is a stereotype we do not need to be reinforcing.
snarkbotanya
May 4 2018, 05:59:19
That's a good point, and brings up something that bothered me about all of those flaws: they're very stereotypically female (faux) flaws. "Cries too much" feeds into the "hysterical woman" stereotype, "can't dance" is a trait you'll never see pointed out as a flaw on a male character, "clumsy" is your typical "she needs a flaw, let's make her x" trait, and, well, you pointed out the problem with "bad at math."
To be fair, though, I would accept "bad at math" if it were clear that it wasn't a blanket statement about female characters. In isolation, it's a stereotype; however, if a female character who is bad at math is surrounded by other female students who don't have trouble with math, has to take a remedial maths class that includes male and female students, and ends up asking a female friend who tested past calculus to help her with her math homework, that's a bit better.
Still, it is better to work with genuine character flaws. Working with the "bad at math" example, that could be made more interesting if it wasn't a flaw in itself, but indicative of a character flaw such as "lazy" or "easily succumbs to societal pressure." She could turn out to actually be very good at math if she bothered to try.
Anonymous
May 9 2018, 19:15:34
Exactly. That is what I meant with "unless it is essential for that particular character to be bad at math in the story".
Anon - 4.
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