Enchanter Sporking: Part Twenty-Four

[pangolin20]

theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-06-15 07:48:00

MOOD: sleepy
MUSIC: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - The Impression That I Get

Enchanter Sporking: Part Twenty-Four

The chapter from the last installment continues, and it occurs to me now that Axis and Azhure have so far spent at least 80% of this book going to parties and having Relationship/Baby Drama. Isn’t there supposed to be a war on? Are they ever actually going to do anything meaningful with the ridiculous power levels they’ve been handed? DO SOMETHING!

Instead we just get even more Sue worship. I knew it. Azhure is with Griff, who kisses her ass by saying he gave in to Axis’ imperious demands and threats because Azhure was there and she’s Just So Beautiful, blah blah blah. He then Sue praises Axis by telling him Azhure is “your most dangerous weapon”. Har har, hilarious. And not at all objectifying.
Naturally Axis finds all this very amusing. Because Axis is a jackass.

Azhure tells Griff that her mother was a Nors woman but she was raised in Skarabost. Griff is interested and asks what her name was because he might have known her.

Azhure gets all upset and says her mother died and she can’t remember her name. Cut to Axis being surprised that Azhure is now saying her mother is dead. He wonders if maybe something happened to the woman after she supposedly ran away with a peddler. As if that ever actually happened.

Griff apologises and tells Azhure her mummy must have been very beautiful, because even DEAD women in this series have to be Beautiful. And that's not at all a creepy thing to say.

Azhure then does something no-one ever does outside of a bad fantasy novel or maybe a bad episode of Star Trek, as she goes all dreamy and trancelike and mumbles about how her mother used to tell her about “many wonders” and also “moonwildflowers” and how she liked “hunting… and… moonlight… and… the Dome…” (ellipses not added).
I’m suddenly having flashbacks to the equally melodramatic ellipses Brom used on his deathbed.

Then Azhure snaps out of it, while Axis wonders if she’s drunk or something. Cut to Griff, who thinks that Azhure’s mother was definitely one of the nine priestesses (called it), and he’s going to make enquiries and find out which one.

As if Azhure didn’t have enough special Sue accessories, she now gets a title. According to Griff’s internal monologue, she’s a “Sacred Daughter”. He offers to tell her about Nor, all while thinking about Axis and how it’s no wonder he got together with Azhure and does he know “what the gods had given him”.

Yeah, Azhure is a literal Gift From On High now.

Because a woman is something that can be handed to you. You know, like a present. With wrapping paper and a pretty ribbon.
Griff then checks out the Sue Baby, and thinks about how “this was a magical line indeed”.
And now I have to go and pour bleach into my eyesockets, if you’ll excuse me.

Mercifully, we now cut to Borneheld. For once he’s “enjoying himself”, which surely means he’s doing something eeevil, because Borneheld isn’t allowed to have a nice time ever. Because the author hates him. He’s with the Corolean ambassador, who’s just signing a document. Borneheld points “with his finger”, as opposed to pointing with, say, his nose, and then signs as well. Apparently it’s a treaty with the Corolean Emperor, who will now be sending a bunch of troops.
Then he offers the ambassador some wine, while thinking… uh…

“…he disliked having to waste such good wine on this constipated vegetable”.

What… the… actual… fuck… is that… supposed… to… mean?

The chapter ends there, and now I have a headache.

The next chapter is called “The Silent Woman Dream”, which has me thinking of the vision Faraday had in the first book when she visited the Silent Woman Woods. I have a very, very bad feeling about this.

We’re with Axis who is – big surprise – in a foul mood. I don’t know why the author keeps noting this; he’s always in a foul mood. You might as well be reminding us the sky is blue by this point.

This time around he’s sulking because he only has eight weeks left to violently murder poor Borneheld. But unfortunately for him his unearned, undeserved followers/worshippers (but I repeat myself) are now so numerous that he can’t move fast. He has an army of thirty-one thousand people now. All because he’s Just That Awesome and Important, etcetera etcetera. I’m willing to lay some pretty serious money that having a ridiculously huge army will have absolutely no impact on the plot and is just there to make Axis look impressive. Because that’s the case with every other fucking thing he owns.

Anyway, now they’re back at the Silent Woman Woods. Axis glares at said woods and thinks about how StarDrifter and MorningStar and a bunch of other Icarii have gone in there to check it out. Ogden and Veremund meanwhile say they’ll return to the Silent Woman Keep sometime, but not now.

A prime example of “telling” follows, as now Axis thinks about how his “relationship with Azhure was becoming more strained”, and how the other night in bed she turned her back on him, and not because she wanted to try some butt play. He reacted by telling her not to “lock me out of your life” and how he doesn’t “intend to let her go” (not even if she wants to leave, naturally). Azhure apparently replied that – GAG – “every day I have fallen a little more deeply in love with you” and she’s trying to reconcile herself to the prospect of losing him. Axis replied, still in flashback, that that’s not going to happen, and then Azhure responded like a whiny little drama queen with the following block of text:

“I will lose you the moment Borneheld dies, Axis. No matter how much you protest that you love me, I know that one day you will let me go entirely for Faraday. Forgive me, Great Lord, if occasionally I allow myself a little self-pity.”

A LITTLE self-pity? Self-pity is Azhure’s fucking hobby. She’s never not feeling sorry for herself and wangsting about how much her life sucks, wah wah. This is just as redundant as finding it noteworthy that Axis is permanently pissed off!

Also I should probably take the time here to note that neither of them have ever acted like they're "in love". Hell, they've never really acted like they even like each other. Having lots of great sex =/= Love.

Cut back to Axis being just as selfish as she is (again) thinking about what a jerk she’s being and how maybe it’d be better to just let her go but she’s “bitten so deeply into his soul”. You know, like a vampire. An emotional one, which is what Azhure is.

Thank all that’s holy, the relationship dramah ends there and something actually interesting starts happening. That night while Axis is asleep, the golden magical lake we saw in the last book starts to boil and give off weird golden mist, which drifts toward the camp.

Axis wakes up a while later and Has A Strange Feeling. Must be the Sue Sense again.

He goes outside and the camp is full of mist, and now he’s wearing his fancy golden silk tunic. He’s surprised by this and decides it must be a dream. I spy an upcoming Mystical Vision thingy.

He starts walking around and no-one seems to see him. Axis being Axis, he of course takes the opportunity to spy on his so-called friends by barging into their tents uninvited. He finds Belial asleep with the teenager he was hitting on before. Ick. Margarita is also enjoying some post-coital shuteye, and he’s with Rivkah. Axis is put out to see his old mum with some guy – fine talk coming from a rapist – but tries to convince himself it’s all just a dream.
Even so he Just Knows that this is going to cause some kind of unspecified trouble.

Which of course it will, not that he could possibly know that. I only know because I’ve read this trilogy before.

Now he’s finished perving on people while they’re asleep and also naked, Axis walks off toward the woods. He comes across Raum, who is also naked. He’s horribly deformed now, with “growths” on his back, and can hardly walk. In a rare moment of compassion which doesn’t feel contrived or forced, Axis goes to help him. But before he gets there he sees Raum pick up a hare, cut it open and anoint himself with blood. I really wish he'd stop doing that.

Raum asks Axis if he has also been “called”, and Axis says he doesn’t know right before someone behind him dramatically says “You are here to witness”.

Axis turns around and oh NO it’s the Sentinels again. Except now they’re barefoot and wearing white robes. You know, like angels. Or saints. Or something. Are the Sentinels also Jesus now?

Now they turn their attention to Raum. Jackass, Ogden and Veremund all start kissing him and calling him “dear one” and telling him to “find peace”. Then they all start crying for some reason and Axis is all “wth is going on”, as am I.

Veremund tells Axis that, pretty much, Raum is going to the Sacred Grove tonight and Axis is coming too. Axis asks if the Sentinels are coming, and I shit you not, Jackass actually trots out the “This is for you alone” cliché last seen in, oh I don’t know, a little film called the Dungeons and Dragons Movie. And when your Serious Classic Fantasy Novel reminds me of the D&D Movie, boy are you in trouble.

Axis and Raum walk off together, and transition to the Grove by means of a magical green light. Introducing some rather uncomfortable unintentional eroticism into the situation, Raum tells Axis that “We walk through the Mother”.

Wow, two guys in her at once? This Mother has a pretty active social life, if you know what I mean. I’m biting my tongue to force myself not to drop a Yo Mama joke right now, you guys. Because I have class.

Axis can somehow feel the power around him and for the first time in the entire book he thinks about how Faraday won the climactic battle of the last one for him. Except not really because he specifically refers to himself as having “summoned [the emerald flame] to destroy the Skraelings”. No asshole, that was Faraday’s magic, not yours. You barely even had any magic back then.

But as usual, it’s all about him.

The light fades away and they enter the grove proper. It’s quiet and subtle, unlike anything Axis has anything to do with, and to my honest surprise he actually feels embarrassed to be here wearing that stupid fancy tunic.

And then – hoo boy…

Faraday shows up.

This oughta be good.

She’s also wearing a robe, but this one is apparently a mood ring since its colours are “shifting”. Somehow.

She greets Axis as “my love” and says it’s been too long, but adds that she needs to deal with Raum right now. While she greets the poor guy with love and affection, Axis watches her and thinks that she’s no longer the “innocent girl” he spent the first book grooming like the predator he is, and that now she has lines on her face and “experience and power” have changed her. Changed her how, exactly?

He wonders “would this Faraday accept Azhure?” Seriously, dude? Seriously. You still think you can have a polygamous relationship with both Faraday and Azhure when both are clearly monogamous and Azhure is clearly extremely unhappy about the idea. This is some truly impressive self delusion, mate.

Now the author seems to have finally remembered that Faraday can read minds, as Axis “hastily cloud[s] his thoughts”. How does he do that? He just does. Somehow. And then right out of nowhere we learn that Axis can also read minds. When the fuck did that happen? And why has this ability never been used before? Is this normal for Icarii or Enchanters, or is it just a StarMan thing?

Beats me, because as you’ve probably guessed this will never be explained.

Axis moves on to wondering how to tell Faraday about Azhure. How about “I’ve met someone else?” or “how do you feel about open relationships?” Bear in mind, this was written in the 90s and everyone is straight by default, so the chance of the author intentionally including a polyamorous relationship are somewhere in the realm of “lolno”.

Faraday asks him why he’s frowning and says this is a very special moment which she has invited him to witness. Axis asks if she’s the one who pulled him into “this dream”, and is told it’s not a dream (duh).

For the first time in fucking forever a character refuses to let a scene be All About Axis, as Faraday tells him to be quiet because this occasion is about Raum. Rather surprisingly, Axis actually shuts the fuck up and watches as Raum goes in among the trees. He starts thrashing around and screaming, and then starts bleeding. Axis is shocked and thinks about how Azhure was right that the Avar “exude violence”.

Faraday overhears the thought and telepathically asks him who Azhure is. Axis answers that she’s a woman who used to live with the Avar and is now an archer in his army. Faraday, the poor fool, thinks about how novel it is that there’s a female archer.

Meanwhile Raum is basically being ripped apart, and someone – presumably Faraday – telepathically tells Axis that “All Banes [snip] must die to transform”.

Axis pretends to care about Raum as he has a bit of a cry and tells us he has “a special bond” with him. Since fucking when? They’ve barely spoken! He almost thinks about Azhure again, and Faraday catches him out. So he just lies that he was thinking about Shra. This makes Faraday go all misty-eyed.

This tweet suddenly seems relevant.

Raum goes on suffering in graphic detail – in fact he’s weeping blood now. Ick. Typically Axis just stands there thinking about his own, way more important problems, and get this – he’s supposedly “consum[ed]” by guilt”, but he then thinks that “He would not suffer like this once Faraday knew about and had accepted Azhure.”

Yup, he’s still taking it as a given that Faraday’s going to be okay with the whole Azhure thing. And he’s right now actively avoiding telling her the truth.

And then – wait for it – and again, I swear I’m not making this up… Raum explodes.

Seriously. He explodes. Raum chunks and blood everywhere. Faraday is horrified by the results, and thinks about how she didn’t know Raum would transform “into this”. Into what – a blast radius?

But nope, he’s actually turned into… drumroll… a big white stag.

One of the Stag Heads comes out and touches him, and then gets all excited. Why? Because Raum is now The Sacred Stag of the Enchanted Woods.

What the hell is that? Nobody knows! It’s never been mentioned or even hinted at before! Instead we’re just supposed to be thrilled at this thing which was just introduced out of nowhere. You know, again.

Just as it was with the gryphons before, we get the explanation after the reveal. And it’s just as sloppy and lazy as it was then. Axis asks what the fuck is going on, as you would expect, and Faraday blah blahs about how once every hundred generations a Bane comes along who is so Pure and Good that he turns into a Sacred Stag, which is apparently “the most magical and fey of all the creatures of the Sacred Grove”.

Since fuckin’ when?

Since this paragraph, apparently.

Faraday gets all choked up and pompously declares that she’s glad “Raum’s purity of heart and soul have been rewarded in this manner”. Wait, Raum is Pure of Heart now? Since fuckin’ when?

Since this paragraph is when.

And that’s it.

Raum walks off and Axis and Faraday go with him. The Horned Ones glare at Axis, and Faraday tells him they’ll learn to accept him.

Stag-Raum telepathically asks Axis who he is, and he explains that he’s the StarMan Mary Sue Special Guy Who Is Special. For once his audience isn’t impressed, and he’s asked wtf he’s doing here. The leader of the Stag Heads says they’ve been watching him and that he’s won Faraday the right to replant the forests. Faraday is pleased, and the Stag Head adds that “much pain lies ahead”.

It sure does. For the reader, that is.

Then they all leave, and Faraday “smile[s] into Axis’ eyes”, however the hell that works. The author insists that he’s, like, totally guilty, so what does he do?

Tries to kiss her of course.

Faraday pulls away and says they can’t do that while she’s still married to Borneheld.

Except you repeatedly made out with him while you were engaged, and again after you were married. Hypocrite. She asks when Axis will come to “free” her, then asks if he still loves her. Axis doesn’t reply, and Faraday gets scared and asks if he still “wants” her.

Axis says yes, thinking that she’s “beautiful” and her “power call[s] to him”, so yeah, he still finds her hot. He then thinks that maybe “desire [will] be enough for her”. Oh my god I hate him so much right now.

Then Axis wakes up yelling Faraday’s name, and finds a pissed off Azhure standing over him. Apparently he’s been talking in his sleep. Oops. Azhure is now in full frostybitch mode and storms off, and Axis mumbles an insincere apology. End chapter. And I have never so heartly wished a painful death on a fictional character as I do now.

4 comments

snarkbotanya
June 15 2018, 10:14:53

What… the… actual… fuck… is that… supposed… to… mean?

I think it's supposed to be an "ooooh, look how evil and mean Borneheld is for being so judgmental of this guy". Conveniently ignoring the fact that Axis is even more mean and judgmental to fucking everyone.

Hell, they've never really acted like they even like each other. Having lots of great sex =/= Love.

Yeah... really, from what you've shown us, it looks more like acquaintances with benefits or even hate-fucking than Twoo Wuv.

Except now they’re barefoot and wearing white robes. You know, like angels. Or saints.

Or Tolkien elves.

She’s also wearing a robe, but this one is apparently a mood ring since its colours are “shifting”. Somehow.

Faraday is Rule 63 Saruman of Many Colors, confirmed.

Beats me, because as you’ve probably guessed this will never be explained.

Par for the course at this point, really... hardly anything in these books gets explained, and the things that do get explained are explained poorly.

which is apparently “the most magical and fey of all the creatures of the Sacred Grove”

Translation: he is Teh Ghey to end all Ghey! RAAAAAIIIINNNNNBOOOOOWWWWWW!

It sure does. For the reader, that is.

And for Faraday. Poor, poor Faraday.

theepistler
June 18 2018, 19:06:56

I think it's supposed to be an "ooooh, look how evil and mean Borneheld is for being so judgmental of this guy". Conveniently ignoring the fact that Axis is even more mean and judgmental to fucking everyone.

The fact that he seriously used the term "constipated vegetable" definitely isn't helping. It helps even less that the guy gets absolutely ZERO characterisation before this happens, so it just comes right out of nowhere.

Par for the course at this point, really... hardly anything in these books gets explained, and the things that do get explained are explained poorly.

That's exactly it. It's either poor explanation, or no explanation at all. It's the same with the foreshadowing. Either stuff is just dropped in with no foreshadowing whatsoever, or there's stupidly obvious "foreshadowing" which just gives away future plot points miles in advance and make the book way less interesting and way more predictable.

Translation: he is Teh Ghey to end all Ghey! RAAAAAIIIINNNNNBOOOOOWWWWWW!

Silly Snarkbot. This is Generic 90s Cliche Fantasy, so there is no Gay. :-p

...or rather, there's no intentional Gay ;-)

bewdtamer19
June 15 2018, 11:13:38

Having lots of great sex =/= Love.

I imagine that they are having angry sex. No wonder why they are able to shag each other everyday.

Yeah, Azhure is a literal Gift From On High now.

More like a curse from Down Below.

Axis watches her and thinks that she’s no longer the “innocent girl” he spent the first book grooming like the predator he is

Axis the Pedophile. That's awesome, really. Why the hell does the author think that's good?

You still think you can have a polygamous relationship with both Faraday and Azhure when both are clearly monogamous and Azhure is clearly extremely unhappy about the idea. This is some truly impressive self delusion, mate.

I think Axis is aware of the fact that everything and everybody bends over backward for him. Maybe he's hoping that they will do the same.

Faraday tells him to be quiet because this occasion is about Raum. Rather surprisingly, Axis actually shuts the fuck up

That line makes me think that Axis really is a weak coward. The moment someone stands up to him, he just stands down. So much for being a strong man.

Right now, I feel really bad for Faraday. I just know she's going to get shat on and downplayed for not going along with Axis's idea later down the road.

theepistler
June 18 2018, 19:27:55

Axis the Pedophile. That's awesome, really. Why the hell does the author think that's good?

I know right? And it's not even like Game of Thrones where it's more excusable because kids grow up fast and the society has no concept of "teenagers" - teens were invented by marketing execs in the 60s. Before then you were either a "child" or an "adult" with not much in between. It's supposed to be that way here, but the author blows it by writing Faraday very much as a child in the first book and making her incredibly naive and ignorant about how marriage and sex work. So Axis just comes off like he's grooming an underage girl, taking advantage of her very childlike romanticism and naivety about sexual relationships. It doesn't help at all that it's explicitly stated that he's 30 and has had a lot of girlfriends.

I think Axis is aware of the fact that everything and everybody bends over backward for him. Maybe he's hoping that they will do the same.

Surprisingly self-aware for him, really.

That line makes me think that Axis really is a weak coward. The moment someone stands up to him, he just stands down. So much for being a strong man.

That's definitely the impression I got. Axis is a textbook example of a bully. He just takes whatever he wants from people, using threats and even outright violence if they don't follow his demands. But like all bullies he's a weak, cowardly person underneath. Hence why he throws screaming baby fits the moment things don't go his way, and can't handle it if someone stands up to him. Forget being a "lowly bastard" - this guy was clearly spoiled rotten as a child. This is the sort of attitude you'd expect from a coddled little princeling, not a tough and hardened career soldier.

...I said that about Eragon and Roran too, didn't I?

Right now, I feel really bad for Faraday. I just know she's going to get shat on and downplayed for not going along with Axis's idea later down the road.

Yeaaaah, the mistreatment of Faraday is only going to get worse. Which is particularly sad because she's actually the only character in this entire ridiculous trilogy who changes as a person. You can see it in this scene and even more so when she appears in the flesh later on - in the last book she was a silly, shallow kid with no life experience, but she's now clearly matured a hell of a lot and has become self-assured and assertive without coming off as bitchy. When Axis inevitably fucks her over, that's pretty much the moment the old Faraday disappears for good and she starts being written as every inch the grown woman who's in charge of her life.

But again, this is the character the author HATED. I have no idea why.