Enchanter Sporking: Part Twenty-Seven
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theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-06-24 10:56:00
MOOD: irritable
Enchanter Sporking: Part Twenty-Seven
With the battle over (and all the named characters still alive, naturally), Axis sends the surviving Coroleans home, telling them to tell the Emperor the deal is off and they’re not welcome in “my realm”. He then thinks he’s surprised to find how easy it was to say “my realm”, and I don’t believe him in the slightest, because up until now he’s already been acting like he’s the boss of everyone, plus his cronies have already been regularly addressing him as “Sun-King” among other ridiculous titles.
(...he says, while sitting on a golden throne).
The Corolean commander suggests that they might send an ambassador once the dust has settled and Axis, uncompromising as always, spits back that he’s okay with that as long as they don’t expect him to make good on any of Borneheld’s promises. Or, presumably, provide any sort of recompense for slaughtering half the Corolean army. Now there’s a truly fantastic way to sow the seeds for yet another pointless war.
You're also a huge asshole, but everyone already knew that.
But of course nobody takes offense at this, because Sue, and the Coroleans leave. Axis puts Belial in charge of burying the dead, and then rides off. We get more attempts to persuade us he’s a good guy, as he rides around lending “word[s] of support” to the wounded while wondering what to do with the remains of Borneheld’s army, who he somehow just knows are “good men [snip] on the wrong side”. We’re then informed that he feels depressed.
Naturally, no actual evidence for this is provided. We’re just told he’s depressed.
I wish this would lead to him becoming King, only to discover he hates it and then ending up in the same miserable situation as Borneheld. But of course it won’t. That would mean letting the Sue suffer and therefore possibly undergo character development, and we can’t have that.
He goes looking for Azhure, but oe noes, he can’t find her. He eventually returns to his personal camp, where he finds Rivkah with Caelum. And there’s Azhure, asleep. A lazy POV switch to Rivkah informs us that she’s wondering whether to tell Axis about pregnancy number two, and that apparently Azhure is having a difficult time with said pregnancy and Rivkah is afraid she might miscarry. But of course she won’t, because once again that would mean something bad happening to one of the heroes so therefore it’s off the table by default.
Either way Rivkah reveals that – of course – Azhure doesn’t have so much as a scratch, and apparently Caelum has been fussing and crying because he somehow just “knew” his parents were in a battle and that the situation was desperate (but not so desperate that anyone important, y’know, got hurt or anything silly like that).
Then Rivkah asks if Margarita is okay, and yet another example follows of what a callous asshole “heroic” Axis actually is, as he answers with this (to, might I remind you, his own MOTHER):
“I have not heard if he is alive or dead, Rivkah,” Axis said flatly after a long pause, “as I have not heard about most of my commanders or soldiers. With that you will have to be content.”
Naturally Rivkah reacts by slapping him a good one.
Oh wait, actually she has no reaction at all. Instead Axis just takes off his armour and tunic, and Rivkah checks out the wounds on his oh-so-manly chest, none of which are serious. And then Axis blithely lies down next to Azhure and goes to sleep, without bothering to find out if his supposed friend Margarita – or indeed anyone else – is okay.
Because when you’re a Sue, the only person you’re ever going to actually care about is yourself. "Nope, not even going to lose any sleep over whether you're alive or dead - fuck you non-Sues!". I'm not kidding; he doesn't even take a moment to think about them. He just goes to sleep without a care in the world.
But of course no-one's going to take issue with this, including the author. This is what happens when you don't think objectively about your main character's behaviour and how it might reflect poorly on the pair of you.
Meanwhile in Carlon, everything is in disarray as you would expect. Borneheld and Gautier have returned with only two dozen guys, and the locals are like “okay, we’re officially screwed”. Borneheld’s courtiers run off and take refuge in the city, and the author mocks them by telling the reader that said courtiers are mostly sure Axis will take them in so they can “keep him wrapped in happy flatteries”.
Ah, the reader is supposed to think with a knowing smirk, but Axis isn’t like that! We know better! We know he isn’t a puffed-up egomaniac, and that he doesn’t suffer fools – unlike his big loser of a predecessor! These useless foppish courtiers are so hilariously deluded!
Instead of which the reader is just laughing his or her butt off, because all textual evidence points to Axis being a guy who loves getting his ass kissed, or at the very least doesn’t object to mindless flattery in the slightest. These guys would be right at home in his court. I just love how we’re supposed to think Axis is, like, so deep man. Why, because he sings and plays the harp? By that logic we should all assume Wayne fucking Gacy was deep because he painted pictures.
Meaner-while the people of Carlon watch as their husbands, brothers, fathers and sons are thrown into mass graves outside the city walls. Naturally they’re not upset with Axis for being the cause of this. Instead they’re just feeling “sadness and acceptance” and wishing Axis and Borneheld had come to some sort of compromise.
Which they probably could have if Axis had made any attempt at actual diplomacy, which we all know he didn’t. And even that was done under sufferance.
Meaner-meanerwhile, cut to Borneheld for a lovely show of blame-laying, as Jayme (no, not that Jaime) screams abuse at him. Borneheld has done pretty much the only thing he really can do at this point, and is currently sitting on his throne shitfaced drunk. He then wins an even bigger place in my heart by promptly throwing the empty wine flagon at Jayme’s head (alas, it misses).
Then Faraday shows up to console him. By which I mean mercilessly rub it in while showing off her moral superiority. She’s all dressed up, and we get a big description of her dress, hair and jewellery, because that certainly adds a lot to the story. She mocks him re. the death of King Afro, and when Borneheld correctly spits that Axis won through treachery, Faraday taunts him by saying he was “never meant to hold [the Kingdom]”, which is complete nonsense given that he was and is the rightful heir to the throne.
Borneheld correctly accuses her of being unfaithful, and she sneers back that “I have remained true to our vows, husband. Unlike you.”
Except for the part where you made out with Axis, promised your eternal love to Axis, flat-out said you were okay with Axis killing Borneheld… need I go on? God this woman is a hypocrite.
Well hell, it's probably both given her track record.
Then Faraday turns on Jayme, calling him “a pitiful old man”. She adds that she used to be a True Believer in Artor, but “I fell under the thrall of the Prophecy”. Wait, is that supposed to be a GOOD thing? I thought falling under the thrall of something was supposed to be BAD. She adds that this led to her discovering “new gods, new powers”.
Note she doesn’t say how and why these gods and powers are superior to Artor, or even how or why they're good. Most likely because – let’s face it – there’s precisely no evidence to offer. The Mother is “good” because she looks nice and gave Faraday a free spongebath. The Star Gods? Faraday knows absolutely nothing about them and neither do we. Powers? The magical abilities the heroes get in this trilogy are only “good” because they make you more, well, powerful. Becoming powerful is not automatically a good thing, and nor does it make you morally superior. Power in itself is a neutral thing. The morality lies in how you use it. *looks pointedly at Axis*
Either way, having delivered this nice little load of self-righteous bullshit, Faraday stalks off. I’m not sure I like her any more. Unfortunately this just leaves us with Borneheld as the only character who isn’t 100% hateful, and alas – he’s not long for this world.
Jayme “tremble[s]” and looks around for his buddy Moryson. But because Moryson is really WolfStar, he has of course conveniently disappeared. Sensible man. Finally Borneheld says they might as well have a drink. I concur – where’s that bottle of Inheritance Shiraz?
Ah, there you are. Bottoms up!
Cut to Faraday outside, and apparently what she did earlier was “bravado”, and actually she’s scared shitless. She thinks about how soon Axis will show up to challenge Borneheld. It won’t be much of a challenge, period, if Borneheld is so drunk he can barely stand up. (But I’ll bet Axis would be completely fine with killing him without even letting him sober up first. We all know how little he cares about fighting fair).
Anyway, Faraday is remembering the vision she had about Axis maybe possibly dying, which apparently included “Axis’ warm blood running down between her breasts.”
Say it with me – EWWWW! DO NOT WANT!
*scrubs eyeballs*
Also, something us women have often pointed out to male authors is that we do not in fact think about our boobs all the time. Don't ask me why we're now seeing a woman pointlessly remind everyone that we have Teh Bewbies. In the same sentence as mentioning disgusting blood and gore, no less.
Faraday dramatically whispers “Win, Axis, win!”, as if that’s in the slightest doubt. The guy has steamrolled every single opponent who’s got in his way for the last 500 odd pages – why the hell would you expect that to change now? And besides – if Axis dies, then the book would be over. I’m honestly rather insulted that I’m supposed to think this is something I should be worried about.
Hmmm, still not douchey and insufferable enough.
Anyway, cut back to Rivkah, who’s busy watching over the sleeping Sue family and fretting. But she’s in luck – Margarita shows up alive. They have some huggles, and we’re informed that Margarita is “as tired and sick at heart as Axis had been”. Dictated rather than shown, naturally. Rivkah puts him to bed, and is then interrupted by “a tall, dark Nors girl”. It’s Belial’s underage girlfriend, and she’s dramatically clutching at her cloak and all upset as to Belial’s whereabouts.
Rivkah says she doesn’t know where he is, and the girl walks off.
Once she’s alone again, Rivkah now proves to be as selfish as every other “heroic” character in this book, as she flat-out thinks that “[she] was very, very tired of not having what she wanted.”
Wow, boo fuckin’ hoo.
Don't coddle your characters, guys. They'll turn into spoilt brats before you can blink....and that's the only sense in which you should think of your characters as your children.
She also thinks that “men fight, and women wait and weep”. So… Azhure plus the Ravensbund and Icarii women who fought today don’t count? Screw off, Rivkah. You're the reason we need feminism! RAAAAWR! Where's me kitty hat, eh?
Finally she wakes Axis up as instructed, but poor diddums wants his five more minutes and just goes straight back to sleep. No concern for anyone else whatsoever.
Except this is Axis, so scratch the "think" part. Axis' only "thought" is "I am Awesome, Borneheld is Teh Suxxors", and his only "feeling" is either mindless rage or equally mindless lust.
Cut to everyone up at dawn. Azhure is feeding the Sue Baby, and Rivkah thinks about how she totally would have lost her second (or rather second and third) baby if she “had been forced to fight any longer”. Orrr maybe you just shouldn’t go into battle while pregnant in the first place. Between this and taking Caelum with her on dangerous scouting missions, I’m beginning to think Azhure really doesn’t like her babies all that much.
Axis tells her to stay in camp because she’s tired and will therefore be useless. Wow, patronising much? You are such a misogynistic asshole, Axis.
Azhure agrees regardless, and Margarita asks what they’re going to do next. He basically says they’re just going to sort of wander around and let that take care of itself. Leadership! This guy is going to make an awesome King.
He tells Margarita Rivkah was worried about him, then lies that he’s glad “for her sake but for mine also” that the guy is okay. Yup. That’s why last night you told Rivkah to STFU when she asked after him, and then went to bed without so much as a thought for whether our favourite talking cocktail was safe. (While Belial stayed up all night burying corpses, might I add. I really think Belial needs to find a new best friend, also a new author).
Cut to the pair of them a while later, and we’re informed that a shitload of people died – but of course all the named characters are completely fine. Including Belial, who claims that “some of our oldest friends” are among the dead.
Such as…?
Such as fucking nobody, because we didn’t know any of them, and none of them have names or got any lines, and most likely none of them will ever be mentioned again. Can you say "faceless cannon fodder", boys and girls?
Adding to the hypocrisy of this scene, Axis lies about how he “grieves for those men who lost their lives”, and Belial “fiercely” tells him that they died “knowing you care for them”. HAHAHAHAH!
More Sueness ensues, as one of the captured Borneheld soldiers shows up – his name is Lieutenant Bradoke, in case you care – and tells Axis he and his guys fought for Borneheld because of their oaths of loyalty, but since he ran off (rather than, y’know, DIE) they don’t like him any more and now they want to follow Axis and the stupid fucking Prophecy. He adds that he “watched you grieve for each and every man who died for you”, and Borneheld would never have done that.
Oh, and just to make it even more obnoxious he addresses Axis as “Great Lord” repeatedly while telling this pack of lies.
Yes, I know it’s been dictated in narration a few times that Axis totally feels bad about the troops he lost. Sorry, but that doesn’t count. His actual demonstrated behaviour has shown nothing of the sort.
Either way Axis accepts yet another undeserved group of followers. I’m sure you were all holding your breath.
The only time it's totally okay for everyone to mindlessly love and adore you is when you're a cat. Axis, not being a cute li'l kitty, can GTFO.
Next up, Axis heads over to the Fantasy Vatican, where a tower called Spiredore stands. Apparently he lived there for thirty years with his foster father Jayme, and believed in the Seneschal and Artor, etc. But now he sees it as a symbol of the lies of the eeevil false religion, and now he’s going to get rid of the tower’s “jailers once and for all”.
I'm not even kidding with this. Just wait and see how Axis deals with the religion he disagrees with. Two words: cultural cleansing.
He arrives and is greeted by the commander of the local AW, who seems pleased to see him. Axis says he’s going to throw the Seneschal out of the tower and is this guy we just met going to help or not? Predictably, the guy says yes, “ending over a thousand years of proud military history” just like that. The humans in this trilogy really do come across as a bunch of flakes. Do none of them sincerely believe in anything? (Axis and the stupid prophecy don’t count, shut up).
Axis is informed that there’s just a few old guys and novices in the tower, so he asks to speak to the leader. This turns out to be some guy named Brother Boroleas. As in… the Aurora Borealis? I’d start calling him that, but I sincerely doubt we’ll be seeing him again after this scene so I won’t bother.
As it turns out this is the guy who taught Axis how to read. He asks Axis to pretty please not kill them all, which is most definitely a reasonable assumption to make given his track record, and Axis says they can fuck off to Coroleas, but they’re not allowed to take their books with them. Because those books are, presumably, eeeevil. (And in the very next chapter he has the lot of them burned. CoughHilterWouldApproveCough).
"It tells ME that goose-stepping morons like yourselves should try reading books instead of burning them!"
(Honestly, I'm not convinced Axis even knows how to read).
And just like that the tower belongs to Axis now.
…yay?
18 comments
theepistler
June 24 2018, 11:15:12
By the way, the people in the last picture aren't Nazis. They're American Catholics burning (presumably eeeevil) comic books.
Censorship: It ain't just for commies and Nazis.
torylltales
June 24 2018, 11:19:40
For once I would really like Axis and co to come up against a credible threat that actually hurts them.
theepistler
June 24 2018, 11:37:37
Likewise, but the author wubs them too much for that to ever happen, unfortunately. I really wish more authors realised that making everything piss-easy for the protagonists is BORING.
And honestly? I don't think the author even cares that much about the main plot. The only thing that isn't just lazily skipped over in this book is Azhure and Axis and their oh-so-special relationship, and the only conflict that gets any attention or (minimal) development is whether Azhure will get to keep the guy she's so inexplicably obsessed with.
Because spoilers - that's literally how the book ends. Not with a battle or a cliffhanger or anything, but with a pathetic, seen it coming a mile away resolution to the bullshit Sue-on-Sue Twu Wub. With even more abuse thrown in. (You seriously still haven't seen Axis hit Peak Douche yet).
torylltales
June 24 2018, 11:53:23
Peak Douche is not to be confused with Douche Peak, the new name for Mount Everest now that thousands of idiot tourists have left literal craploads of empty oxygen tanks, food waste, abandoned tents and equipment, and actual snap-frozen human excrement on the side of the mountain on their idiot quest to "do something memorable" that doesn't require any actual hard work or, gods forbid, has a positive impact on the environment or other people.
Short of nightly beatings and rape, how much more abusive can Axis even get?
theepistler
June 24 2018, 12:07:02
...their idiot quest to "do something memorable" that doesn't require any actual hard work or, gods forbid, has a positive impact on the environment or other people.
A more apt metaphor for this book you will never find. Especially the part about shit.
Short of nightly beatings and rape, how much more abusive can Axis even get?
Oh, he only beats his PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND half to death, almost kills her in cold blood, and then violently mind-rapes her into reliving her Tragic Past, all because he thinks she might be secretly evil, and without bothering to find actual, y'know... evidence... or put her on trial... or anything silly like that. Because Axis doesn't believe in due process or the law, or those other piddling little matters. And clearly he cares so, SO much about Azhure. Shit, he doesn't even ask her to explain herself! He literally jumps straight to IMMA KILL YOU BITCH! (And StarDrifter helps, because StarDrifter is a piece of filth). ...and afterwards she doesn't even break up with him. Nope, she quite cheerfully accepts his hand in marriage while the whole thing is written off as a silly little misunderstanding. Yeah, that's not sending up any red flags at all, is it? (And no, I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. It's a HORRIBLE scene to read. It's one thing to say Axis is evil, but... how the hell else could you possibly read this scene? It's just EVIL. I've seen sociopathic villains who weren't this vile and cruel).
torylltales
June 24 2018, 12:12:05
o.O
When you get to that chapter in the spork, you should transcribe the entire scene unedited.
theepistler
June 24 2018, 19:31:24
Good idea. No amount of secondhand reporting can really do the sheer horror of that scene justice. It's the same deal with the scene where Borneheld dies, where I resorted to quoting a big block of text because I just couldn't describe how utterly vile and horrible it is. I'm honestly going to have to put some sort of warning on there, because I would not be surprised if a few people started feeling queasy.
cmdrnemo
June 24 2018, 14:32:21
They say that one of the problems with rose coloured glasses is that while you are wearing them red flags and white flags look basically the same. But, this is beyond that. This is a red flag with the words "RED FLAG" embedded on it in black text with a thin white outline. A format clearly readable despite any surrounding colours. Are we sure this is a traditional hero vs. villain story? Because this Axis guy, being named after the nazis and their allies, is really bringing that connection to life. This is a much better example of a dark lord rising to power story. I can't see Axis running a country with any other than an iron fist.
theepistler
June 24 2018, 20:36:56 Edited: June 24 2018, 20:37:54
I actually don't remember if you see him doing any actual ruling, but presumably we will in the next book. And yeah, I can't see him as anything other than a future tyrant either - just look how he's acted in his current position of authority so far.
This is a much better example of a dark lord rising to power story.
I know right?? So far Axis has done basically every evil thing in the book:
-Rape
-Assaulting an unarmed woman
-Assaulting the elderly (twice)
-Murder
-Torture
-Lying
-Emotional abuse
-Blackmail
-Violent threats (repeatedly)
-General dishonesty and breaking solemn promises/oaths (a BIG deal in Ye Olden Days)
-Sexually grooming a teenage girl
-Treason and (upcoming) regicide
All that's missing now is "cruelty to animals" and "child abuse". And I already know "child abuse" is coming. More than one kind, in fact. (And I think we can also safely say assaulting a pregnant woman counts as child endangerment. Literally the only reason she doesn't miscarry is because the author says so).
cmdrnemo
June 25 2018, 09:49:15
This is a fantasy novel. I assume he treats his horses according to standard fantasy 'hero' proceedure? That's absolutely animal abuse. This guy is a puppy kicking, baby eating monster. That is one hell of a bad deeds list. I'd call anyone out on a villain who did all that. We get it, he's evil, pure evil, lay off a little. Add a little nuance to it. This isn't 40K you can lighten up the bad guys a little.
He even abandons his responsibilities to minions like a proper villain. None of it would be so bad if he was focused on saving the world from the army of evil monsters. But, he obviously is only using that as an excuse to grab power. It's frighteningly like she said "I'm going to combine Palpatine from Star Wars, and Darken Rahl from Goodkind and that's going to be the hero of my story." So many ways that's wrong.
theepistler
June 25 2018, 20:18:53 Edited: June 27 2018, 10:21:52
tt_7
June 25 2018, 23:10:08
I really wish more authors realised that making everything piss-easy for the protagonists is BORING
It also doesn't almost always work in real life as well. Sure, there are occasionally unexpected rewards coming in the way but most of the time us muggles have to go through daily annoyances and problems in order to support ourselves and bring about our dreams.
However, this kind of reality can be rendered null and void in fiction as all the aspects of the protagonist and plot are controlled by the author. The author simply constructs a plot, and put in the protagonist to carry out the events of the plot. To bring forward the plot the protagonist must not die or there will not be any plot/story at all, so here comes in the side characters who a) sacrifice themselves to make way for the protagonist, usually in pointless situations, and b) kiss the protag's backsides and applauds whatever the protag does even if it's at the cost of their lives/ plain stupid. Add this to the inconsistency in the rules of the story due to bending said rules just so it makes the protag's quest easier...and a Sue fiction is born. Usually this happens when authors are inexperienced/immature...and I can vouch for that because I've certainly been there.
On an unrelated note, thanks Epi for the sporking! I think the sporking makes for a more interesting read compared to the book itself. Not that I've read the book but based on your commentaries I guess I'll just stick to reading those commentaries instead.
Love the Trump pic btw.
snarkbotanya
June 24 2018, 15:31:13
Between this and taking Caelum with her on dangerous scouting missions, I’m beginning to think Azhure really doesn’t like her babies all that much.
Fridge Horror: what if Azhure secretly wants the kids to die so that she can get away from Axis and not be reminded of the times he raped her?
The only time it's totally okay for everyone to mindlessly love and adore you is when you're a cat.
Or another cute furry animal, but especially cats.
Next up, Axis heads over to the Fantasy Vatican, where a tower called Spiredore stands.
Spiredore. Spiredore. I think we've just found another of Douglass's low points in uncreative naming.
theepistler
June 24 2018, 20:43:55
Fridge Horror: what if Azhure secretly wants the kids to die so that she can get away from Axis and not be reminded of the times he raped her?
Given that after this point she basically ignores her kids (the twins get palmed off onto somebody else to raise), I would honestly not be surprised. She is SUCH a neglectful, uncaring parent. Hell, in the next trilogy her youngest daughter actually calls her and Axis out on it. (Before the author systematically destroys her entire character by putting her in a love triangle with BOTH of her own grandfathers, because of course she does. Yet another awesome character destroyed).
Or another cute furry animal, but especially cats.
And under certain circumstances, small children. If it's your kid, anyway.
Spiredore. Spiredore. I think we've just found another of Douglass's low points in uncreative naming.
Visit Scenic Spiredore today! Come for the Spire, leave by the Dore! Brought to you by the Tencendorian Tourist Trap Bureau.
Also, Spiredore is clearly a giant penis because it does a lot of "throbbing" and "pulsating" later on. ಠ_ಠ
tt_7
June 25 2018, 23:16:29
Visit Scenic Spiredore today! Come for the Spire, leave by the Dore! Brought to you by the Tencendorian Tourist Trap Bureau.
I think I found real life Spiredore!! :O
Warning: image will scar you for life, so this is not for the faint of heart
https://www.pri.org/stories/2018-02-14/south-koreas-penis-park-draws-olympic-crowd
theepistler
June 27 2018, 10:39:59
*snicker*
hergrim
June 24 2018, 15:54:21
Oh wait, actually she has no reaction at all. Instead Axis just takes off his armour and tunic, and Rivkah checks out the wounds on his oh-so-manly chest, none of which are serious. And then Axis blithely lies down next to Azhure and goes to sleep, without bothering to find out if his supposed friend Margarita – or indeed anyone else – is okay.
This is just such bad leadership. He's choosing to go sleep next to his lover and delegating everything to his subordinates? Dude, you just won a civil war. You need to be meeting with the captive leaders and reassuring them that it's going to be all okay. Pull a Black Prince and carve for them at an after battle feast or show your magnimity otherwise. And even before that you should be looking after your men. Going to bed without even knowing if your commanders is inexcusable, unless you're badly wounded.
theepistler
June 24 2018, 20:49:51
Tell me about it. He doesn't even bother to regroup his army and take stock. Um, moron? Just because Borneheld ran off and the Coroleans agreed to leave doesn't mean everything's okay! Not to mention that there's got to be a LOT of confusion right now, and someone should be bringing some order to the situation. All sorts of shit could be going down while you lie there snoring for twelve hours! "Genius military commander" my double-wide ASS.