Enchanter Sporking: Part Twenty-Eight
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theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-06-26 23:06:00
LOCATION: Indonesia, Jakarta
MOOD:
relaxedMUSIC: Bruno Coulais - Coraline Soundtrack
Enchanter Sporking: Part Twenty-Eight
Did you know the vocals in the soundtrack to the movie Coraline don't actually contain any words? No really. To the untrained ear it sounds lke French, but in reality it's just gibberish with French inflections. And all this time I thought I just wasn't paying enough attention. (Great movie, by the way).
The next chapter is called "MorningStar", after the character of the same name. Oooh, I have a good feeling about this (no really. You’ll see).
A few days later we get a description of Axis’ army camp. Fresh supplies have arrived by ship, and the people of Carlon, who are running out of food, have to watch the enemy nomming on bread and fruit like a bunch of jackasses. Meanwhile the Ravensbund apparently know what football is. Uh…?
No.
MorningStar and StarDrifter are sharing a tent (but thankfully aren’t sleeping together… probably), and they’re both in a good mood because Axis has pulled a Hitler and had the Seneschal’s books summarily burned. Hooray for censorship! Because it’s not like you could have learned anything from that lot, even if you don’t agree with the contents. Nope. It’s not as if I, an atheist, learned anything from reading the Bible or the Koran (which I did). It’s all worthless, the end. Toss ’em on the bonfire.
They have also discovered a bunch of Icarii literature, which the Bad Guys didn’t burn. So… Axis burns literature he disagrees with and the bad guys… don’t? Who am I supposed to be rooting for here again?
Unless that book is Twilight or 50 Shades. Then you truly are doing the Lord's work.
MorningStar and her asshole son both coo over the legendary lost books that have now been recovered, and Axis thinks about how he’s now seeing a side of his grandmother he hadn’t seen before as she’s become a lot nicer and isn’t being a jerk to Azhure any more. Not that we'll see any evidence of this, naturally. And by the way, when a minor character starts getting extra attention and someone thinks about how great they are... that's usually a clue. A very unsubtle one. (So, y'know, don't do this in your own books).
Then MorningStar looks outside and sees Azhure’s maid Imibe is off watching some “horse games” instead of looking after Caelum, so she declares that she’s going to go keep an eye on the Sue Baby because there will be “many years ahead” to read the books she’s so excited about. Further clunky foreshadowing ahoy!
And even if that didn’t tip you off, some omniscient narration informs us that later on Axis always wondered what would have happened if he had gone instead of her, but as it is MorningStar walks out of the tent “and into Prophecy”.
Welp, so much for that. This is totally the chapter where what I fully expected to happen happens. Thanks for spoiling the surprise five ways to Sunday, author. ...you know, again.
Predictably, MorningStar enters the tent where Caelum is only to find a “darkly cloaked figure” checking the Sue Baby out. She asks who the hell he is, only to be trapped by “dark power. Dark music”. Surprise! It’s WolfStar!
MorningStar sees his face, and says she always wondered who he was disguised as (Moryson, duh). We’re not told that he’s Moryson, though, because the author still thinks this will be a surprise. Either way he takes his magical mask off, and underneath it he’s – what else? – “incredibly beautiful”, with “violet eyes” and “dark coppery hair”. Personally I think purple eyes on a redhead would look fugly as hell, but maybe that's just me.
MorningStar wonders how the hell Axis is going to deal with this guy (spoilers: he won’t be dealing with him, period), and WolfStar says Axis won’t be finding out about him until later. MorningStar promises not to tell anyone the truth, but WolfStar declares that nope, everyone will know she’s lying somehow.
And then he just crushes MorningStar’s head with his bare hands and strolls off.
ALL RIGHT! finally a named character actually died! And it was one I hated, too! You’re my hero, WolfStar.
Cut to a brief scene with StarDrifter, who tells Axis he feels “a loss, an emptiness” but isn’t sure why. Yes, I’m sure he sensed a great disturbance in the Force, as if an irrelevant side character cried out in fear and was suddenly silenced. Since when was this a power anyone had?
Cut back to WolfStar hurrying away, and supposedly he’s “so upset” about killing MorningStar that he forgets to replace his disguise. He runs straight into Jackass, who addresses him as “master”. WolfStar tells him there’s been “some unpleasantness” and orders him not to tell anyone he saw him. Jackass promises to keep his mouth shut.
…and now you know who created the stupid prophecy and who this “prophet” guy we kept hearing about is. It was WolfStar all along! Gasp!
Will this actually have an impact on the plot?
Not really, no. But at least it successfully fools you into thinking something interesting might actually happen. For a while, anyway.
Cut back to Axis and StarDrifter, who are interrupted by Azhure. Like a good woman she’s screaming her head off in “terror”. Even though pitched battles with mass slaughter all around just make her laugh while merrily killing people left right and center. Consistent characterisation? What’s that?
She breaks the bad news about MorningStar, and they all go to take a look. Sure enough she’s lying in the tent where WolfStar left her, and her entire head has been reduced to dog food. Yikes.
Azhure gives a suitably hysterical account of finding the body, and Axis telepathically asks Caelum what happened. So… it didn’t occur to WolfStar that Icarii babies are telepathic and that Caelum might spill the beans even if he did kill MorningStar? As expected Caelum tells Axis the murderer was WolfStar but he didn’t see his face.
Cut to StarDrifter, who returns to his tent only to find the book he had been studying about the magical lakes has been stolen. And apparently they will never find it again. (No, I'm pretty sure this will never become relevant).
Having given Caelum and Azhure a magical sleeping pill because apparently Azhure is a shrinking violet now, Axis hangs out with StarDrifter. The two of them speculate about who WolfStar is. They dismiss most of the possibilities, but then latch onto it possibly being Griff, who seems to have an awful lot of knowledge about the Icarii. Finally Axis says that they have “a smorgasbord of of suspects”. Wow, that’s not anachronistic at all. And it fits the setting so well too. It sounds like a bad card game.
StarDrifter mentions that Axis never told him the final verse of the stupid prophecy. Axis obliges, and the verse is the one that mentions a traitor, who they both naturally assume is WolfStar. StarDrifter gives Axis a manly embrace and says they can only trust each other. StarDrifter? Trustworthy? Ahahah.
The chapter ends with them agreeing that MorningStar died horribly, and neither of them should forget it. Yeah, I doubt they’ll have any trouble remembering that.
Either way, RIP, MorningStar. You’ll be dearly missed, and especially after all those memorable scenes we spent with you, such as the one where you flirted with your own grandson.
"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right - I hope you have the time of your life."
The next chapter has the truly odd title “One Nors Woman Wins, Another Loses”. Ooh, does this mean something bad is going to happen to Azhure? Crossing my fingers now…
We open with Faraday, who’s standing up on the castle parapets with Borneheld, while Timozel lurks in the background acting like a crazy person as usual. Supposedly he’s lost faith in Borneheld since the battle was lost. Yeah, I can see that. He apparently now looks like a zombie, as his skin has “an unhealthy sheen” and he has big old bags around his eyes. Apparently this is from lack of sleep, as he keeps having nightmares about Gorgrael and waking up screaming. But I don’t think we’re supposed to feel particularly sorry for him, as Faraday only spares a brief moment of sympathy for the guy before reverting to thinking about herself as per usual (that's how you know she's one of the heroes).
She thinks about how if Axis dies in the upcoming fight, she’s going to commit suicide. Well okay, she doesn’t come out and actually say so, but she does think repeatedly about how she doesn’t want to live in a world without Axis in it. The Sueness… it burns!
From here she can see Spiredore, the white tower, which apparently started glowing the previous night. Cue more dumping on Borneheld, as apparently everyone has noticed that the troops he “left to die” have now “happily” joined Axis. Cue more Axis praise, as Faraday thinks at us that “[he] had taken no prisoners, only welcomed comrades”. Oh fuck you, stop trying to convince me he’s some sort of hero.
Faraday apparently also saw the funeral pyre for MorningStar, who was allegedly “great and loved”. Since when? Since this one line the author threw in there, that’s when. We get further after-the-fact non-firsthand details about the funeral we didn’t get to see, as supposedly Faraday saw a bunch of Icarii flying way up high with torches, apparently “escorting the released soul on its journey to the stars”, and naturally this was all so very “beautiful” and “moving” that Faraday had a bit of a cry.
Aren’t we supposed to be in the middle of a scene here?
After some more blah-blah about “curious music” which led to Spiredore lighting up like a glowstick and also “throbbing” and “pulsating” (like a big penis!), we finally cut back to what’s actually happening in the present moment. Gautier joins Borneheld, “sword rattling” and asks what they’re going to do now. Borneheld, now growing the beginnings of a Beard of Sorrow™, says nothing, because Axis is going to come straight to him and they both just want it to end.
He then tells Faraday that his ridiculous rivalry with Axis “started the instant he was conceived” and they’ve been fighting each other since because reasons. In a genuinely affecting moment, he asks Faraday if she thinks Axis will “love you once I am gone?” and then adds “No. I doubt it. There will be no reason to, you see, once I am gone.”
And he’s 100% correct. The moment he’s not there for Axis to steal her from him, Axis stops giving a shit. Hell, he more or less forgot all about Faraday the moment the three of them were no longer in close proximity. Why? Because then Borneheld wasn’t there for him to spitefully triumph over by flirting with his wife.
Then Borneheld sadly walks away, and Faraday thinks the guy has assumed he’s going to lose “as if he had always known he was fated to die at Axis’ hands”.
Damn this is a sad scene. As in genuinely sad. I truly and honestly feel really sorry for Borneheld right now, and really… he comes off as noble in this scene, bravely accepting his fate and even expressing some empathy toward Faraday, who he has correctly guessed is only going to suffer for having been fool enough to trust Axis.
But again… this is supposed to be the villain.
DAMMIT BORNEHELD BECOME REAL SO I CAN HUG YOU AND TELL YOU IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
Does Faraday feel the slightest bit sorry for him? Of course not. Instead she just makes it all about herself as she thinks that what he said about Axis’ lack of love for her has “the fatal ring of prophecy”. And that “ding” you heard was Faraday losing yet another likeability point.
Cut to Axis being profoundly creepy, as he tells Belial he’s going in tonight via a secret route Rivkah knows about which has never been mentioned before. He’s taking Rivkah with him because apparently it’s necessary that she watch one of her sons die horribly. The Sentinels are also coming, because of some bullshit about “a lost love”. StarDrifter and EvenSong are also coming (for dramatic purposes), but Azhure is staying behind.
Belial tells Axis that everyone wubs Azhure for some godforsaken reason, and that if Axis hurts her they’ll also be hurt. Axis reacts to this by losing his temper (AGAIN) and accusing Belial of being in love with her. Belial snaps back that he “loved her once” but he gave up on that because Azhure “could only see you” and it “would have destroyed me” – as in literally killed him. Oh for fuck’s sake. He reiterates that everyone loves and worships Azhure, and that Axis has to let either her or Faraday go.
Axis’ reaction? Even more spleen, as he snarls that he’s not letting either of them go and “they will both accept the other”. Finally someone tells him this is self-deluding self-serving bullshit, as Belial flat-out tells him that it might work with some women, but not these two, and if they’re forced to share him they’ll be miserable. Well actually he says they’ll “fade and die”, which is just a more melodramatic way of saying the same thing.
Axis continues to argue, but just then they’re interrupted by Griff, who comes storming over dragging Belial’s underage girlfriend. Griff is completely livid, but the kid looks sulky and rebellious. She gets a name now. It’s Cazna.
Wait, let me guess. She’s pregnant. And also Griff’s daughter.
And… yup. Griff starts yelling about how Belial “ravaged [his] daughter’s virtue”. Belial is all “ohshit she’s whose daughter?”.
Griff keeps on yelling about how he can’t possibly marry her off now she’s – yup, I’m right again – pregnant. My gods this book is predictable. (And I'm really not kidding - I seriously did guess way ahead of time that Cazna is Griff's daughter, also pregnant. I like to think I'm pretty intelligent, but let's face it - anyone could have seen this one coming if they've read enough cliche fantasy novels).
Anyway, so then Cazna speaks up, saying that actually she seduced Belial, not the other way around. Griff is mortified, and Belial says not to worry – he’s already asked her to marry him.
Cut to Axis’ POV for a truly appalling display of hypocrisy, as he “raise[s] his eyebrow” and thinks about how Belial had the gall to give him a telling off about his treatment of Azhure while all along “violating the Baron of Nor’s daughter”.
Uh, Axis? Consensual sex is not “violation”. Clearly the girl was willing. You know what is “violation”? WHAT YOU DID TO AZHURE AT BELTIDE YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS JUDGEMENTAL PIECE OF SHIT.
Anyway, Griff keeps on with the rage, though omniscient narration informs us that actually he’s just hoping to get away with handing her over without having to pay a dowry. Either way Cazna says she’s accepted Belial’s proposal.
Axis, continuing to be a hypocritical jackass of the first order, makes a loud comment about how Belial has “treated Cazna rather badly”, deliberately throwing Belial’s earlier remarks right in his face at the worst possible moment, and yes that’s flat-out stated in the text. Are we seriously supposed to believe Axis has the moral high ground here?
Anyway, Belial calls the asshole’s bluff by declaring that he’ll marry Cazna right here and now. Whereupon Axis storms off like the surly, sulky brat he is. I really, really wish he would die.
Cut to Axis talking to Azhure later on in their tent. She’s still giving him the cold shoulder like the sulky, self-centered bitch she is, which of course results in Axis blowing up at her as he snatches the cloak she’s folding out of her hands and throws in on the ground, and then starts yelling at her, demanding to know “what’s wrong” and “what has come between us?”, all while thinking about how he’s not getting Teh Secks any more, baaaaw. GOD this guy is childish. And a fucking moron.
Azhure, of course, points out the blindingly obvious – duh, Faraday. Don’t you already know that, Axis?
Axis insists that he loves her, and Azhure says she wishes she could’ve just walked away. Axis snarls back “Who to? Belial?”
And the abusive overtones just keep on coming! As if all the bullshit he’s already put her through wasn’t enough, then Axis violently grabs her by the chin and screams in her face that… well, this is what he says.“If you try to leave me, I will track you down. Believe it! No-one will take you from me!”
Yup. He just straight-up threatened her. And “if you leave me I’ll just find you and drag you back” is textbook abusive.
...wait, no it isn't. This is just as bad if not worse. And that's saying a lot.
Azhure, to her slight credit, thinks about how awful he’s being – but it’s carefully framed as praise for how great he actually is, as the phrasing chosen is “how could a man who could show so much compassion to strangers show such a face of cruelty to her?”
When was Axis compassionate toward strangers? Seriously, WHEN? When did this happen on-screen? Because I gotta tell ya - I'm not entirely sure.
And no, those people he buried in Skarabost don’t fucking count because later on he used them as fodder to emotionally blackmail people into kissing his ass! Good FUCK this is dishonest, lazy bullshit.
Anyway, so Axis softens up a bit and asks if she loves him. The answer is (inexplicably) yes, so he makes a speech about how she’ll be “miserable away from me” and how he has to marry Faraday for political reasons and also the stupid prophecy. He adds that if he weren’t promised to Faraday he’d marry Azhure in a heartbeat, then smooches her and says he won’t lie about his love for her or all the important Suey things she did along the way, and also he’s gonna make Caelum his heir.
Yeeeeah, that’s going to go over well.
I hate this “relationship” so very very much.
8 comments
[1]
cmdrnemo
June 27 2018, 13:55:03
When you started this and described the setting as the weirdest magic fantasy land ever I was hoping for this:
Instead we got:
Except everyone is being played by Ming the Merciless except Ming the Merciless! And he isn't being played by Brian Blessed at all! He's just some guy! How is that fair? Borneheld should at least be played by Brian Blessed so we can get something fun out of it. This comment is being wildly unfair to Ming the Merciless he's much kinder and generally a better person than Axis in every way. I am not being paid every time I type out Ming the Merciless. I'm driving his name home because he's MORE MERCIFUL than Axis ever was
[2]
snarkbotanya
June 27 2018, 15:14:51
To the untrained ear it sounds lke French, but in reality it's just gibberish with French inflections.
Kind of like how Credens Justitiam from Puella Magi Madoka Magica isn't actually Italian or Latin, but a bunch of gibberish that sounds like them (and I can tell, because I've studied Latin intensively and Italian in passing, and I looked up the lyrics, and it's definitely not either; heck, just the pronunciation can tell you it's definitely not Classical Latin, because the "ch" phoneme isn't a thing in Classical Latin).
It's still awesome, though.
MorningStar walks out of the tent “and into Prophecy”.
Yes, because the Prophecy did have that line about a perverted grandmother biting the dust... OH WAIT, NO IT DIDN'T. What the fuck, Douglass?
Seriously, the way she acts like everything is prophesied, even the things that are totally extraneous to the stupid fucking prophecy, is annoying as shit. Plus, it further reduces the impact of everything the characters do, because if they're just doing things because Fate Says So, then what's the goddamned point? I've said it before, but that's really what I hate about prophecy: it robs the characters of agency in their own story.
It was WolfStar all along! Gasp!
Which means he was peeping on his own daughter while Axis raped her. And approving of it. What the FUCK.
“a smorgasboard of suspects”
That's “smorgasbord”; it's Swedish. Douglass's typo or yours? Either way, not a good word to have your character say in a world that HAS NO FUCKING SWEDEN, Douglass!
Oh god, it's Bella Swan! That sounds exactly like Bella's bullshit about how the afterlife must exist because if Edward doesn't exist somewhere then nothing can! Jesus fuck, that is unhealthy!
Axis snarls back “Who to? Belial?”
Yes, because there's no way a woman could not want to be with you because she's just not interested in a relationship, Axis. No, she has to be thinking about running off with some other man and being his property. WOMEN CAN BE SINGLE, AXIS! AND THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, DOUGLASS; HELL, YOU WERE SINGLE, SO YOU SHOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT!
Also, Axis? That should be "to whom", not "who to". Yeah, normally I'd be fine with incorrect grammar in dialogue, especially between characters who don't have to be formal with each other, but I'm just in a spiteful mood, and everyone in this book talks like a thesaurus.
I hate this “relationship” so very very much.
Me too. When I can only describe a relationship as an interaction between horrifying textbook cases of Cluster B personality disorders with a bit of reference to the domestic abuse checklist thrown in, it's a bad fucking relationship.
[2A]
bewdtamer19
June 27 2018, 15:28:06
Yes, because there's no way a woman could not want to be with you because she's just not interested in a relationship, Axis. No, she has to be thinking about running off with some other man and being his property. WOMEN CAN BE SINGLE, AXIS!
Frankly, Axis will never understand that. He is that kind of asshole who doesn't understand why somebody may not want to spend time with him, let alone be in a relationship with him. He believes that everybody will just drop to knees and worship him as their new god. Fuck him.
Also, Axis? That should be "to whom", not "who to". Yeah, normally I'd be fine with incorrect grammar in dialogue, especially between characters who don't have to be formal with each other, but I'm just in a spiteful mood, and everyone in this book talks like a thesaurus.
You're not the only one. Incorrect grammars aren't that bothersome with me, but when everything else is shit in a book, there's nothing to distract me from that, so I start bitching out flaws that normally don't bother me.
Me too. When I can only describe a relationship as an interaction between horrifying textbook cases of Cluster B personality disorders with a bit of reference to the domestic abuse checklist thrown in, it's a bad fucking relationship.
Every single damn time an author writes an abusive relationship and portrays it as romantic or positive, I just want to take them aside and ask them why they think that's a good thing. I've been through something like that before, and it is nothing quite like they make them out to be.
[2A1]
theepistler
June 27 2018, 19:24:23 Edited: June 27 2018, 19:24:46
Indeed. He seems to have absolutely no comprehension of the fact that there's usually a reason why someone might not want to be your friend or spend
time around you, and that most of the time it's a valid reason. Even if it's something as simple as just not being compatible. No, in Axis' mind everyone should automatically like him, and if they don't that means there's something wrong with them. And of course, his own behaviour is never a factor, under any circumstances. The guy is about as self-aware as the average brick
Every single damn time an author writes an abusive relationship and portrays it as romantic or positive, I just want to take them aside and ask them why they think that's a good thing
Same. I also feel that way about authors who write "heroic" characters who do objectively awful things. I would definitely like to ask Paolini why he thought Eragon committing cold-blooded murder should be considered in any
[2B]
theepistler
June 27 2018, 19:18:06 Edited: June 27 2018, 19:19:08
Yes, because the Prophecy did have that line about a perverted grandmother biting the dust... OH WAIT, NO IT DIDN'T. What the fuck, Douglass?
That's precisely what I was thinking. There is NOTHING in the stupid prophecy to so much as suggest that the StarMan's grandmother is going to snuff it. Hell, even WolfStar - the guy who wrote it - is surprised and thinks about how this was an unforeseen turn of events and he wished it hadn't happened, etcetera. Fail.
Which means he was peeping on his own daughter while Axis raped her.
Ayup. He also makes out with her when they meet in person. What a guy. (And she lets him do it, naturally).
That's “smorgasbord”; it's Swedish. Douglass's typo or yours?Mine, most likely. That's seriously how I thought it was spelled. *hangs head in shame*
Either way that word SO does not belong here. Even if it weren't horribly out of place it would still be shit dialogue. And, well, just shit writing in general.
That sounds exactly like Bella's bullshit about how the afterlife must exist because if Edward doesn't exist somewhere then nothing can!
And having just sporked the first part of the third book, I can tell you that even AFTER being horrifically screwed over by Axis, Faraday spends the 99% of her first appearance wangsting about how much she wants him and if only he loved her, etc. etc. I wanted to smack her.
No, she has to be thinking about running off with some other man and being his property.
Indeed. I looked it up, and sure enough, warning sign number nine on this handy dandy list is "Unreasonable jealousy". Not only does he hit her, shout at her, and use emotional blackmail to stop her from leaving him, but he also instantly assumes that she's thinking of leaving him for another man. All in order to make her feel guilty about possibly wanting to end the relationship. Note too that he apparently assumes Belial will go along with it - some friend.
[2C]
Anonymous
June 27 2018, 19:28:20
There's also Adiemus
[3]
Anonymous
June 27 2018, 19:24:54
WolfStar created the prophesy?! Did he get a vision or did he just make it up? Because if he just made it up.. All the characters in the story blame everything on this prophesy. Oh I'm unfaithful... because of the prophesy. Oh I'm an asshole... because of the prophesy. Oh I'm a traitor... because of the prophesy.
It will be funny if he just made it up.-TTT
[3A]
theepistler
June 27 2018, 20:06:50
I don't quite remember the exact details, but if I recall it's at some point revealed that during his travels through different dimensions on the other side of the Star Gate Atlantis he found out about some other major threat to Tencendor, so he wrote and orchestrated the stupid prophecy in order to make sure the country was united by the time the threat manifested. Though I think this happens in the sequel trilogy, so that was probably a retcon to make it look like the assrape demons didn't just come out of nowhere.
All the characters in the story blame everything on this prophesy.
I know, right?? That's the other reason why I hate the thing - everyone uses it as a cheap excuse to avoid having to take personal responsibility for anything. StarDrifter fathered Gorgrael? Oh but that's not his fault! It was the prophecy! Axis cheated on Faraday? Oh, but that was because of the prophecy! And so on and so forth.