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theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-07-09 18:10:00
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coldEnchanter Sporking: Part Thirty-Four - The End
Well here we are - the final installment. It's been a long 'un and now it's over, and a good time was had by none.
While I was preparing this post, a very depressing thought occurred to me, which I thought was worth sharing.
Sara Douglass was the Marion Zimmer Bradley of the 90s.
Bradley - may she burn in hell forever - published a poorly-researched virtually plotless book which glorified rape, incest and pedophilia and had horrible passive, useless female characters. Her reward? Status as a Grand Dame of Fantasy, with a ridiculously devoted circle of adoring fans, and her stupid piece of shit book is still revered as a classic, also "feminist".
Douglass wrote an entire series of poorly-researched virtually plotless books which glorify incest, rape, and other forms of sexual abuse, with horrible, passive, useless female characters. Her reward? Status as another Grand Dame of Fantasy with a devoted fanbase, and her stupid piece of shit books are revered as classics, also "feminist".
I really think this demonstrates quite starkly just how big of a problem speculative fiction in general has, and especially in the publishing/author community associated with it. To this very day you get big name authors who swagger around at conventions while publishing books with highly problematic messages and getting away with it because they've played the game of fandom politics well enough that they've reached "untouchable" status. And if you think I'm exaggerating, let us not forget that more recently our good friend Paolini wrote a series which preached the message that it's okay to commit murder and genocide and burn poor people's houses down as long as you have enough privilege on your side. And that was in the fucking 2000s.
Honestly, the more I learn the less I want to be involved in any of it.
* * *
In the next chapter, we’re informed that a mere three hours later Axis holds a meeting to discuss the WolfStar issue because keeping it a secret almost killed Azhure.
Yeah, secrecy almost killed her. Rather than “AXIS almost killed her”. Got to be sure to let our alleged hero off the hook as quickly as possible… which is why on the very next page we’re informed that after being healed, Azhure… INSTANTLY FORGAVE HIM.
Instantly.
With a smile.
Yes, that seriously just happened. In fact, we’re then informed that Azhure’s “heart [is] easy”. Yup! Not only did she get healed for free, but she’s not even upset! In fact she’s feeling all happy now, presumably because now she knows she’s really an Enchantress so therefore she won’t get old and die and can stay with Axis… FOREVER.
You know, just like how if you write books like this you will burn in Hell... FOREVER. (Or at least that's how it ought to be).
I just… I don’t have words for this. I feel ill.
Anyway… sigh… Axis, being the incredibly sensitive, kindly man that he is, decides to show everyone a magical vision of Azhure’s Horrible Traumatic Past.
RIGHT IN FRONT OF AZHURE.
Yeah, no. Not buying it.
StarDrifter telepathically contacts Axis, saying that all this somehow fits the line from the stupid prophecy which goes “The child will turn her head and cry – revealing ancient arts”.
Uh, right. Of course that’s what that bit means! Naturally. I mean it’s obvious, right? You’d have to be an idiot not to make that connection, right?
To cheer everyone up, here's the way funnier picture I found when I googled “burning in hell”. The really sad part is that I have honestly no idea if this was supposed to be a joke or not.
Finally Azhure “whispers” that it “saddens” her that in spite of all her magically restored memories she very conveniently still can’t remember her mother’s name.
But then – surprise! – Griff speaks up and says the woman’s name was Niah. He adds that he “had [his] suspicions”, and now he’s seen a vision of Mummy Azhure’s face he’s certain.
Azhure gets all upset and asks how he knows this, and to the surprise of absolutely no-one Griff reveals that Niah was his older sister.
Will being related to Griff actually change anything in the story? Of course not. Fantasy authors just like having characters randomly turn out to be related to each other, no matter how pointless it is.
And yes, she was one of the priestesses at the Temple of Stars we’re all so very invested in. Griff adds that Niah wouldn’t have told Azhure her name in the first place because the priestesses give up their names after they take their vows.
Then… what did everyone call her? What did Hagen call her? “Hey you”? How the fuck d’you go through life without a name with absolutely no-one finding this weird or suspicious? This is even dumber than that novel Dawnthief, where one guy seriously goes about calling himself "The Unknown Warrior".
Either way, there goes another of Azhure’s non-Sue traits, ie. that of being a commoner. Nope, she’s basically royalty now. Indeed Uncle Griff makes a point of welcoming her to the “House of Nor”. And that’s yet another Sue Point in the can.
Indeed, what with this and WolfStar being her secret daddy, she’s now exactly like Axis – royal on both sides of the family. The only real mercy shown to us here is that she doesn’t also have Secret Evil Siblings.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the moment when Azhure’s character is officially 100% ruined once and for all. In fact when the next bit of ludicrous Sue elevation comes along, you won’t even blink because by then there’s nothing left to ruin. She’s just a caricature now. A cardboard cutout dripping in moronic accessories with power levels so absurd she shits Deus Ex Machinae and pisses plot armour.
Basically from this point onward the series is about the wonderful relationship between a piece of paper with a list of special abilities written on it in crayon, and an actual trash fire. Truly, 'tis a tale for the ages.
Moving on, Axis asks Griff if he knows anything about Azhure’s father. He says all he knows is that one day they got a message that Niah had left the “Order of the Stars” and then vanished. Azhure demands to know why the fuck a damn noblewoman pissed off to some podunk town and married a jackass local priest, or words to that effect, and Axis refers the question to the Sentinels.
Jackass, we now learn, conveniently always knew the stupid prophecy meant for Axis to get together with Azhure. Or so the author suddenly claims.
Either way he keeps his mouth shut, because he’s a jackass. He’s also what one critic referred to as “a Jive-Talking Wizard” – that is a character who knows basically everything but keeps it a secret for no reason other than plot convenience/dramah. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who's currently being reminded of the scene in Brisingr where Oromis is like "oh yeah your dad is really Brom and I suddenly knew about it all along!" It was clunky and obvious there, and it's clunky and obvious here.
Remember how Lyra in The Golden Compass found out who her real parents were? Yeah, the moment she comes into contact with someone who knows the truth, they just flat-out tell her without any dramatics. Like an actual decent person.
Veremund speaks up and says they have no idea why Niah did that, and Axis quite rightly snaps back that the Sentinels aren’t above forcing people into marriages they don’t want. But, Sergeant Schultz-like, Veremund keeps insisting that they know nothing.
Finally StarDrifter speaks up. He makes a little speech about how Azhure should go to the temple to find answers, and that he doesn’t believe Azhure is “a child of the gods” as her mother claimed. Personally given her ludicrous abilities I’d be more than prepared to believe it, but whatever. He then says he believes that WolfStar is her father.
Veremund thinks that he’d never imagined that StarDrifter would be that “perceptive”, and I have to agree. Up until now the guy has relegated all the thinking to his oh so precious golden penis.
Axis agrees that it makes sense that she’d get WolfStar’s stuff if she’s his kid, adding that duh – both he and StarDrifter find her irresistable because of the stupid singing blood they conveniently all have, and also it explains how she can use the moronically named Dark Music.
Wow, everyone suddenly grew a brain in this scene. Including Azhure, who correctly guesses that she met WolfStar the previous night, noting the bit where he said kissing her was “unclean”, because “as are relations between parent and child and as between brother and sister in the SunSoar family”.
…what? What does that even mean? This is so poorly worded that in the first draft of this spork I actually interpreted it to mean that parent/child is more acceptable than brother on sister somehow, and then got really creeped out. The MZB comparisons just keep getting more uncomfortable by the minute, I swear.
Heightening the incesty overtones even further, Azhure talks about how “beautiful” WolfStar was and if he was her dad no wonder Niah thought he was a god. When StarDrifter brings up the murder of MorningStar, who I personally I have already long since forgotten about, Azhure says WolfStar was “kind” to her so therefore he can’t be all bad.
Because it’s not as if horrible people are any good at feigning kindness or anything like that. You are an idiot, Azhure.
Then FreeFall comes over to smooch Azhure on the cheek, and formally welcomes her into the House of SunSoar. Guess that means his mind is made up. Because it’s not like we need conclusive proof or anything, and that wasn’t at all an issue earlier on.
EvenSong then joins in, and – ugh – StarDrifter does the same, creepily adding that “I will be whatever you need me to be, but I am not your parent and I am not your brother”. HINT HINT PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH ME. He even rubs it in by telepathically adding “I am not Unclean” and – AAARGH! – “May you pass on both your beauty and your allurements to the daughter you grow inside you”.
In other words if he can’t have you he’ll have your unborn daughter.
By the way? I was wrong earlier on when I said StarDrifter won’t actually commit incest with his own granddaughter despite planning to do so, because that is absolutely what happens in the sequel trilogy. I’m not kidding – the StarDrifter/his own fucking granddaughter “romance” is a major subplot. Pardon me while I vomit.
Does Azhure raise any objection to this further unwanted come-on?
Nope.
Then, just to make this scene even more idiotic, Caelum telepathically speaks up and says, well… this.
“Welcome, Azhure, into the House of SunSoar. My name is Caelum Azhurson SunSoar StarSon, and I am your son. Know that I love you and that if I am a child of the sun, then it was you who made me that way.”
Did I mention that this is a BABY speaking? He’s not even a toddler yet.
As it happens, snarkbotanya tells me she found out the author did not have any children.
I believe her.
Then Rivkah also welcomes Azhure to the House of SueSoar despite not technically being a member any more, and then Azhure wonders why Axis isn’t doing the same.
And then…
No.
…No.
NO!
NOOOO!
This can’t be happening! It just can’t!
MUMMY!
But it fucking happens anyway.
Axis – who tried to beat her to death less than twenty-four hours ago…
…gets down on one knee and proposes right there and then, with a long flowery speech which goes on for over a page.
Is this seriously the time OR place for this? Also, newsflash – HE JUST TRIED TO KILL HER, AND SO DID STARDRIFTER!
What is wrong with you?
I’d make a joke and pretend Azhure reacts to this with “are you fucking insane?” but of course she just repeats the “vows” back to him. Which she’s somehow able to do flawlessly even though it’s like 500 words long and wait…
…wait, is this the actual wedding?
Apparently it is.
Aren’t they even going to bother with a ceremony? Axis is King! He’s marrying his Queen! Why are they doing this in private? What about the public? What about the royal court?
Honestly, this author really doesn't seem to care about weddings all that much - Borneheld didn't bother with a ceremony either, and neither did Belial.
Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
Might I add, Azhure very presumptuously refers to herself as “daughter of WolfStar SunSoar”, even though they haven’t conclusively proven that he actually is her father. Way to make assumptions, you jackass.
So now they’re married, apparently. And it took them all of five minutes, too.
Then Axis kisses the woman he raped and also violently assaulted… twice… and then feels an “insistent urge to pass on the Enchantress’ ring” which Wendy Orr gave him. Because “This was the moment and this was the woman”.
Well no fucking shit. Who the hell else would you have expected to get the Special Ring of Specialness? Rivkah? Borneheld’s “blowsy” girlfriend? (Whatever happened to that woman anyway?). There are literally no other important female characters who have shown ANY sign of having magical powers except Faraday!
If only.
So Axis puts the Special Ring of Specialness on Azhure’s “heart finger”, which I’m betting dollars to donuts is a reference to the cute but completely false notion that the ring finger has a vein leading directly to the heart. (It doesn’t. Every finger has veins that eventually lead to the heart. The ring finger is not special).
Naturally the One Ring fits “perfectly”, as if it was made for her. Because of course it does. Axis addresses Azhure as “Enchantress”, and the narrator informs us that “The Circle was complete”.
What circle? What does this even mean?
I have a headache.
…And just like that, the book ends.
Wait, what? That was it? That was the ending? Mr and Mrs Sue get married, the end?
Apparently so. Borneheld is dead, Faraday is screwed over and safely out of the way, and Azhure SueSoar gets the man she’s so inexplicably obsessed with, which we all saw coming from a mile away. The ending is literally just “Mary Sue becomes Ultimate Sue” (any relation to the Ultimate Warrior?).
Which I would say actually sums up this book quite well. There’s no plot and there’s no real villain or any particular overarching threat; there’s just endless accumulation of Sue points for the new favoured character. It’s Brisingr a decade before Brisingr. Someone beat Paolini to the punch while he was still in diapers. Except Douglass’ characters are way, way more evil than Eragon or Roran could ever hope to be.
And that was Enchanter. Two books of bullshit down, and only one more to go. Will Faraday ever catch a break? Will Axis suffer a comeuppance for all the vile things he did in this book? Will FreeFall finally become a relevant character? Will Gorgrael actually do something? Will I ever stop asking these completely pointless rhetorical questions when we all know the answer is “fuck no, what are you on”?
Ladies and Gentlemen… a timeless work of classic fantasy.
*
Will I spork the third and final book? Yes. In fact I've already started. But I'm going to hold off for a while - I need a rest. I also need a holiday. And a stiff drink.
8 comments
torylltales
July 9 2018, 18:30:04 Edited: July 9 2018, 18:30:33
I feel unclean just for reading your reaction to this chapter. That's how terrible this chapter and thus the book as a whole is.
theepistler
July 9 2018, 18:43:56 Edited: July 9 2018, 18:44:16
Tell me about it. How the fuck do books with content and subtext this vile and distasteful keep getting published? And more to the point - WHY ARE PEOPLE BUYING THEM?
...oh, that's right. It's because society is fucked to hell and back.
snarkbotanya
July 9 2018, 19:13:46
Everyone boo-hoos about how terrible all this is… and Azhure has absolutely no reaction.
Welp, Azhure just failed the Turing test. Someone get the EMP cannon; it's high time we fried this robot!
The only real mercy shown to us here is that she doesn’t also have Secret Evil Siblings.
Does Gorgrael really qualify as a secret evil sibling? I mean, he's an evil sibling, and that's Sue as fuck, but he's not exactly secret, is he? Even the goddamn prophecy says they're brothers.
Up until now the guy has relegated all the thinking to his oh so precious golden penis.
“May you pass on both your beauty and your allurements to the daughter you grow inside you”.
Even if the unborn kid wasn't his granddaughter, that line would be creepy as fuck. Beside that, though, there's also the fact that it basically reduces Azhure and her unborn daughter to some horrible combination of a fleshlight and a baby incubator, because as far as StarDrifter is concerned, all they're there to do is have sex with him and pop out new SueSoars.
Plus, it taps into my tokophobia something awful.
Borneheld’s “blowsy” girlfriend? (Whatever happened to that woman anyway?)
Spitefic idea: she got pregnant, and some twenty years later the child comes back to avenge their father.
theepistler
July 9 2018, 19:40:47 Edited: July 9 2018, 19:42:16
Does Gorgrael really qualify as a secret evil sibling?
I meant that he was "secret" in the first book. See, when Axis finds out he's Secret Royalty, he also finds out he has a Secret Half-Brother who is Eeeevil. Because of course he does.
Even if the unborn kid wasn't his granddaughter, that line would be creepy as fuck. Beside that, though, there's also the fact that it basically reduces Azhure and her unborn daughter to some horrible combination of a fleshlight and a baby incubator, because as far as StarDrifter is concerned...
That's EXACTLY how he's depicted. The guy has this truly bizarre obsession not just with seducing everything in a ten mile radius that doesn't have a Y chromosome, but with impregnating his victims with "powerful Enchanters". It was half his motivation for going after Azhure in the first place - recall before Beltide when he was all like "at the rape orgy I'm gonna get her pregnant with A POWERFUL ENCHANTER!!!1".
It's not just creepy and horrible - it's honestly just flat-out weird. There's this constant obsessive emphasis placed on breeding Enchanters, and as far as I recall you never find out why. The Icarii Enchanters are completely useless - they NEVER use their powers for anything important - and that includes StarDrifter. They just seem to exist in order to exist. They don't uphold the balance of the world or anything like that - you could cut them out of the series entirely and it wouldn't change jack shit. So why is everyone so hellbent on having as many Enchanter Babies as possible?
...all they're there to do is have sex with him and pop out new SueSoars.
...who he will then fantacise about having sex with, possibly before they're even born.
Either way, yeah - StarDrifter literally just sees women as wombs/pleasure devices on legs. I hate him so much.
Spitefic idea: she got pregnant, and some twenty years later the child comes back to avenge their father.
I would read the hell out of that.
vorpal_tongue
July 9 2018, 20:17:19
Wow, everyone suddenly grew a brain in this scene. Including Azhure, who correctly guesses that she met WolfStar the previous night, noting the bit where he said kissing her was “unclean”, because “as are relations between parent and child and as between brother and sister in the SunSoar family”.
…what? What does that even mean?
Kissing her is as bad as fucking her because parent/child. Though the way it's worded suggests two possibilities; that while the Icarii see parent/child relationships is a no-go, brother/sister is only disallowed for the SunSoars. The other is that both sets of incest are disallowed with this one particular family.
Judging by the lack of commas, I'd say the latter.
“Welcome, Azhure, into the House of SunSoar. My name is Caelum Azhurson SunSoar StarSon, and I am your son. Know that I love you and that if I am a child of the sun, then it was you who made me that way.”
In response to the bolded: NO SHIT SHERLOCK. You dropped out of her fanny not even a year ago and yet you introduce yourself to her? Pretentious little gobshite.
To the underlined: StarSon? Really? Since when was THIS a thing? I'll accept Azhurson since he's the son of Azhure, despite how crap it looks on paper (the name, not the heritage), but StarSon? 'Cause he's the Son of the StarMan?
...Really, Douglas?
...On a funnier note, that Christian “Don't Masturbate” pic has made me come to the realisation/belief/delusion that we are all the Devil.
theepistler
July 9 2018, 20:38:45
StarSon? Really? Since when was THIS a thing?
Since pretty recently. Unfortunately that's going to be his official Sue title from now on, and right into the sequels. *gags*
...Really, Douglas?
Fuckin' really.
cmdrnemo
July 10 2018, 07:28:03
I tried saying that mess out loud. It reminded me of this bit from idiocracy:
theepistler
July 10 2018, 07:58:01
Hah! Given how often the characters mindlessly repeat their various stupid titles you'd think they were being sponsored. I'm the StarMan! Brought to you by GeneralElectronics. Don't forget to like, share and subscribe for more great content!