StarMan Sporking: Part Eleven

[pangolin20]

epistler posting in antishurtugal_reborn Oct. 4th, 2018 11:56 am

StarMan Sporking: Part Eleven

In the next chapter Faraday returns to the Sacred Grove and finds Azhure there. The two of them say hi and Faraday invites her to the nursery. Along the way she also notes that Azhure has changed because she has “power” in her eyes. How does one have power in one’s eyes anyway?

Azhure breaks the bad news about Axis, and Faraday is horrified and declares that “he must survive”, which immediately makes Azhure jealous. She’s about to ask why she gave Rivkah her fertility back, but then Faraday cuts her off by mentioning what happened with Gilbert and Moryson. They talk about that for a while, and then meet up with Ur – you know, the old crone with the anime eyes. And the chapter ends there, having accomplished virtually nothing.

In the next one Azhure says goodbye to Griff, who finds himself “choking with emotion”. Which emotion? I don’t know. Just “emotion”.

Cue a couple of pages wasted on useless descriptions of everyone preparing to go and who’s coming and Azhure’s Sue Horse and what Azhure is wearing, so on and so forth OH MY GOD SHUT UP. They go inside Spiredore and Azhure tells it to take them to Sigholt, and then they go up the stairs… I swear to gods this goes on for like 5000 words. Or at least that’s what it feels like. Blah blah blah they climb the stairs, blah blah blah boring dialogue, Rivkah sees what the tower can do and her eyes “fill with tears” for some damn reason (that happens a lot in this trilogy), and they finally emerge at Sigholt.

There they’re greeted by none other than Roland the cancer patient, who’s not looking too hot as you would expect. Some boring hellos ensue, and then we cut to Azhure later on, standing on the roof wearing “nothing but a loose white linen shift” with her hair blowing in the wind. Basically it’s like something out of a cheesy romance novel. Even more so when she has a cry over her precious manly man Twu Wuv Axis. Christ, I know us women are generally more open with our emotions thanks to social conditioning and such, but the women in this trilogy cry in every other fucking chapter. I'm amazed none of them have dropped dead of dehydration.

Descriptions of the landscape below, and it’s all very pretty. Descriptions of Roland and how he’s dying slowly. I’m bored off my ass. Does it show? I think it shows. I’ve been doing this for too long. This book is sucking out my will to live.

Then Adamon shows up. Great, time for more exposition. He tells her Axis is “a corpse ten-days dead” and currently wangsting about how Azhure could possibly still wuv him now he’s ugly.

I agree – Axis never had anything to recommend him other than the unearned special status and supposed good looks. Now the outside matches the inside, which in a realistic book would be an eventual wake-up call along the lines of Sansa Stark thinking “how had she ever thought him beautiful?” while looking at noted psychopath Joffrey Baratheon.

Adamon then moves on to talking about the Star Dance. There’s a stupid attempt at a metaphor involving stars and the moon, and he promises to come back a few times to teach her. I really wish they’d stop putting this off; she’s going to get the damn powerup sooner or later anyway, so right now we’re just delaying the inevitable. Again.

And then Adamon starts hitting on her.

Why? Because. I don’t know; he just starts randomly waxing lyrical about how OMG beautiful she is. Azhure flirts back (you’re married, you hussy), and then Adamon leaves, ending this entirely pointless scene. And after that Azhure goes to bed. Thus rendering this entire chapter a waste of everyone’s time. More so than the rest of the book, I mean. Why is literally everybody dumbstruck by how hot Azhure is? Is this author not aware that people have different ideas of what they find attractive? Some people like a more full-figured woman, some people are attracted to the petite, some like blondes or brunettes. Is “pasty faced with wavy black hair and smoky blue eyes” literally the worldwide standard of beauty for EVERYBODY in this setting? Including the supposedly heterosexual women? Not. Buying. It. Shit, I have friends who think Benedict Cumberbatch is a dreamboat and others who think he looks like a horse's ass.

The next chapter returns to Faraday, still planting. She’s also been exploring the “lost Icarii cities” in the mountains. There’s a lot of description of minarets (Uh… Allah Akbar to you too, I guess) and balconies and such. Pity; I was picturing something more Aztec-style for some reason, which might have looked more interesting. Then Faraday and Hazel check out Fernbrake Lake, where Faraday was initiated in the first book. They see some Avar from a distance, which makes Faraday happy. She goes and meets up with them, and Shra is with them. So is Barsarbe the Bane, who introduces her fellows, whose names I won’t bother to note down except to say that they come from the “FlatRock” and “PineWalk” Clans. Ah, these goofy names never get old. Since when was walking something pine trees do anyway?

Cue some racism toward Hazel for being a “Plains Dweller”, which Faraday quickly shuts down. They make it up with some speechifying about how Racism Is Bad so let us all get together and smile on your brother, then sit down and eat some “raisin dumplings” from Faraday’s magical saddlebags. After a lot more boring talking (I’m skipping over a lot of pointless fluff here, guys, and have been doing so for a while now), one of the Banes says the village of Smyrton is still unfriendly. Hazel says they’ll just have to get rid of the place, or “[abandon it] to the trees”, and “It is the only way”. Yup, just wipe out a whole village – no biggie. Hey, it worked in The Jungle Book.

More talking… Azhure is brought up and Barsarbe says she’s never been able to like her. She must have Suedar. Faraday reveals that she’s married to Axis and had three of his kids, and Barsarbe flies into a rage because that should have been Faraday’s right. Faraday defends the whole sordid affair, saying it wasn’t Azhure’s fault, and then goes on about how super duper powerful and important she is, which rather refreshingly doesn’t please Barsarbe in the slightest.

And then – oh, for fuck’s sake – Barsarbe realises why she hates Azhure, and it’s because she’s jealous that “Tree Friend loved Azhure”. Hoo boy, and the lesbian overtones just keep coming. With just a few tweaks you could have turned this into an all-girl love triangle. Are we sure Sara Douglass wasn’t in the closet? Because she’s way better at implied lesbian love than the strictly het stuff she’s actually trying to write. So far the only genuinely erotic scene in this entire trilogy has been when Faraday gave Azhure a naked back massage complete with butt stroking. The man on woman stuff has always come across as weirdly uncomfortable and frequently coerced every single time without fail. Interesting...

Now the author decides to bash the Avar, as Faraday gets angry and thinks about how it’s no wonder Gorgrael “hates” – clearly it’s genetic. That’s still not how any of this works, author. Take your bullshit eugenics subtext and GTFO.

They argue, and Faraday says if they don’t back Axis, All Is Lost. And then with absolutely no transition or even a scene break, we cut to StarDrifter at the Temple of the Stars, doing some ritual thingy with Firsty. Then we cut to the Avar back a the Earth Tree doing their own ritual, and then cut back to Faraday and co. lighting a fire, which causes the lake to start glowing like crazy.

Cut to Gorgrael, and he’s not happy about this at all. He starts screaming and “capering” (seriously), yelling about how “it burns!” It burnsss uss, preciousss!

Cut to WolfStar. He’s down at the Star Gate Atlantis, looking into it. We don’t know what he’s looking for, but whatever it is, he doesn’t find it and is pleased about it. Right, whatever. (This could be a reference to the demons who will come through the gate in the next trilogy, but I can’t really be sure).

Cut to Azhure. I really wish this chapter would settle the hell down already. It's like I'm reading a fucking Michael Bay movie in novel form but without the explosions. She’s checking out her new Goddess Robe, which gets a big chunk of description. Apparently it changes colour when you move. Azhure prances around admiring herself and crowing about how “I am magic!”. I told you she was a narcissist.

Cut to StarDrifter (ARGH), who has a vision of Narcis the Sun God. Narcis thanks him for all the great things he’s done (such as? Oh, right – he fathered Axis. Still no mention of Gorgrael, of course. Consequences shmonsequences). Then Narcis adds that StarDrifter’s “life will be blessed”. Is that why the little pissant is going to keep on living into the next trilogy and on after that? Thanks a lot, Narcis.

Cut back to the Earth Tree, where RavenCrest has just finished with the ritual. Then he gets the message from Azhure about evacuating Talon Spike. He’s not happy about it and how dare she presume to give him orders, but changes his mind when he’s told about the grypons.

Cut back to Azhure (yes, I know this is completely disjointed. That’s how it is in the book too and it’s obnoxious as hell). Her pretty new dress comes with matching boots and gloves (what, no handbag with a teacup chihuahua in it?), and she suits up. It’s like something out of a comic book movie, except she goes without the cape because she’s too good for that stuff now, apparently. Remember when Azhure was a semi-likeable character?

She goes and checks on the kids. Or rather she checks on Caelum while completely ignoring the twins. She has a telepathic conversation with the Sue Baby, telling him how great he is and saying she has to go and fetch “papa”. I hate Caelum so much.

Cut to Rivkah waking up, as Azhure arrives in her room. Rivkah checks out her cool new dress, and sees how theres a “wildness” in her face. Azhure gives a little speech about how she’s still “the girl you befriended”, and I beg to differ. The original Azhure died by massive character assassination in the last book, and this version is her insulting epitaph. They share some cutesy dialogue, and then Azhure kisses Rivkah – on the mouth! Are you sure Azhure’s not a closeted lesbian/bisexual? Because she sure does have a lot of intimate moments with the ladies.

Cut to Faraday. The Make Spring Happen Now! ritual seems to have worked, and she declares that this year they’ll be getting rid of Gorgrael for good. She then talks coldly to Barsarbe, who she’s decided she doesn’t like, and finally flat-out says she’ll keep planting… but after that she’s ditching the Avar completely to help Axis and Azhure exclusively, because she loooves them so much.

Yes, seriously. Barsarbe had the audacity to not like Azhure, so now Faraday’s ditching her entire race and isn’t going to be their leader after all. You see just how badly Sues destroy the stories they’re in? The entire plot now revolves around Azhure and how special and important she is, and everyone’s motivations have started to revolve around her as well. Barsarbe isn’t even pissed! Instead she just accepts the whole situation and blames herself for everything. And now Azhure’s Sueness has ruined Barsarbe’s character as well. She used to be a proud woman who took no crap from anyone. Now she’s wringing her hands because she wasn’t nice enough.

Because remember, ladies – it’s a woman’s duty in life to be nice at all times. And no getting angry or scowling - it's unladylike and you will be mistaken for a dude and have to start wearing the pants around the house, and nobody wants that.

And then Shra, who’s awfully articulate given that she’s barely five years old, steps in and says Azhure is awesome… thereby effectively supplanting Barsarbe as the leader, at least according to Faraday. Yup, they’ll be led by a five year old girl, and this is apparently preferable to being led by someone who – gasp! – doesn’t love and worship Azhure.

Bet you fiftty bucks Barsarbe is going to be killed off at some point by way of punishment for not liking the Sues. Which as we all know is the only recognised crime in any Mary Sue story.

[Note from the future: I was right, and not the least bit surprised about it]

The chapter ends with a quick scene in which Rivkah relaxes after Azhure leaves, only to find a Moonwildflower on her pillow. Yeah, get used to them, because there’s more where that came from.

I think this was probably the worst chapter in the book so far. And on several different levels.

*

Brace yourselves for the next chapter, guys. This is probably the nadir of the book, if only because it’s the part I remember the most clearly from last time I read it. And for good reason.

Azhure has saddled up her Sue Horse, which is of course a stallion (get some better freaking symbolism, fantasy authors. Stallions in these books outnumber the mares so badly the entire species should have gone extinct years ago). She rides off with the murder puppies, heading for Hsingard. Remember how in the last book she went there with Axis and killed a bunch of skraelings while laughing like a serial killer? Now she’s going back to finish the job.

She rides at a gallop with her murderpuppies in tow, and this is clearly supposed to be a super badass scene!!!1 with all the descriptions of “screaming winds” and the murder puppies baring their teeth and the moonlight is magically lighting their way, blah blah blah. Oh, and also those stupid flowers keep falling from the sky for no reason. Because even while she's slaughtering things en masse, Azhure has to be as feminine and pretty as possible. Number one priority, people.

Yes of course there's fanart of that. Note the completely unnecessary cleavage smack bang in the middle of the picture.

Azhure enters the ruins of Hsingard and starts driving the skraelings out, and now she gets a new Sue title: “The Huntress”.

Giving them lots of titles doesn't make your characters any more cool or interesting, y'know. Kitty agrees.

She starts loosing arrows at the skraelings, and now it’s even more overpowered and she’s even more ludicrously good at it, as she’s somehow able to fire at superspeed and never runs out of arrows, and every single one kills a skraeling with a perfect shot to the eye. Fucking Legolas wasn't this good.

See? I told you the fancy armour and so on wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference the moment they go up against a Sue. And you just know that fans reading this scene probably pictured it like something out of a Zack Snyder movie, with lots of loving slow-mo and splatters of blood hanging suspended in mid-air like shining mercury, and possibly a few rapid speed-ups and camera whirls for good measure. All I can say is thank god this trilogy never got a movie adaptation, because it did apparently get as far as a few meetings with Hollywood executives before dying a merciful death. It would have been a nineties movie adaptation, too. The levels of cheese would have been off the charts.

...okay, now I kind of wish the movie had gotten made.

Azhure wipes out the lot of them – hundreds, by the sound of it – and it only takes a page. Also a moonwildflower appears for every dead skraeling. Why? Because. Also there’s blood all over the ground. I honestly feel rather sorry for the skraelings right now. The poor idiots never had a prayer.

Afterwards Adamon shows up and gives her some KFC, and Azhure tells him how much she enjoyed the mass slaughter and is told she’ll hunt gryphons as well. Lovely. Isn’t she just a good, empathetic person? Compassion and love my foot. (And just wait until you see how she deals with the gryphons. Because it's even more horrifying than this was. By a lot).

Azhure rests for a while and then rides on to find Axis. Along the way she chats with Xanon, who gives her a lecture about the Star Dance, which is in all things apparently, ending with this:

“All life sways to the Beat of the Star Dance. We all keep time [snip] it is the throb of life.”

And that has to be one of the goofiest things I’ve ever read in my life. Also, bad fantasy authors need to be banned from using the word "throb", ever.

Finally Azhure reaches Jervois Landing, where she has a chat with Adamon about the (groan) Dark Music, which I’m not going to waste my time recapping. Suffice to say, it’s just as goofy as the last bit of exposition on galactic phat beatz.

She keeps going, occasionally hanging out with her fellow gods, who tell her about unspecified godly things. All things considered, it’s probably for the best that we don’t get any details. Oh wait, I spoke too soon. Adamon exposits about how the Star Gods are “tied to this world”, and how on the other side of the Star Gate Atlantis there are “many beings” (aliens?), and some of them have godlike powers and are free to go where they like, looking for worshippers. Artor was one of them, and he was stronger than the Star Gods so he managed to kick them out and become the new god. Azhure makes a few obvious conclusions along the way and receives the required Sue praise about how smart she is. She’s also told that she has to fight Artor, because she understands him – which is why she had to be raised in Smyrton. Where she was of course the only person Special enough to not convert to Artor worshipping.
This is of course another Sue trait, in which Mary Sue is literally the only person in an entire population to not worship the only recognised deity, for no reason whatsoever other than that the author knows in advance that the god is secretly eeevil and tipped the character off about it to make them look smarter and more enlightened than everybody else. Even though it doesn’t make any goddamn sense in context.

After this comes even more exposition. I complained before that we knew nothing about the Star Gods, and now apparently we have to know everything, all in one go. The short version is that the lakes were created by Star Gods falling from the sky, some of whom died, and the night is still celebrated as Fire-Night by the Avar. Azhure is told to tell Axis that he has to be there for the next one, because the Avar will make the – snicker – Rainbow Sceptre out of the power of the dead Star Gods. You mean, those spaceships the Sentinels have been visiting?

Wait, are the Star Gods aliens?

I’m so confused right now. This book is completely batshit insane.

*

The next chapter opens with Belial, brooding. They’ve camped and are waiting for Azhure, and Axis is still a corpse. Belial angsts about how his best buddy is suffering, and then a moonwildflower falls on his hand, and Azhure shows up. Naturally Belial waxes lyrical about how “beautiful” and “impossibly lovely” she is, but now she’s even more impressive and wild and blah blah blah Azhure Is Special.

Azhure gives him a hug, and Belial bursts into tears. Surprisingly realistic; a lot of fantasy novels feature dudes who remain robotically stoic no matter how unhappy and stressed out they are. Which is total bullshit. I’ve seen my father cry more than once. I’ve seen plenty of other guys cry as well. Men have feelings, you idiots, so stop pretending otherwise, and stop perpetuating it in fiction. It’s a fucking toxic message and men don’t need it. Nobody does.

What? Oh, right – soapbox. S’cuse me.

*steps down*

Cut to Axis’ POV. He’s feeling like shit, as you would expect, and is using his pain to protect his “sanity”, and also he’s really really thirsty. He hears someone come in – Azhure, naturally – and when he figures out how it is he starts screaming at her to go away and “Don’t see me like this!”

Yeah, now you’re just as ugly on the outside as you are on the inside, asshole. Poetic justice, I’d say. Belial gets upset, only to be guided away by some guy who shows up out of nowhere – no idea who he is. One of the gods, possibly.

Axis lies there whining about how Azhure hasn’t screamed in horror and rejected him. Which just goes to show how little he actually trusts her and doesn’t think of their relationship as anything particularly deep or meaningful. Why am I supposed to be invested in these two again? The entire previous book was about whether they’d get together or not, FFS.

Instead Azhure gives him huggles and kisses him, and Axis asks her to help him die. Yes, please do.

He asks Azhure what she’s doing here, and then asks her to kill him again, but she says the GateKeeper won’t let him die because he has to stay with her forever. Since when was a marriage vow some sort of magically binding contract with the afterlife? Instead of getting on with it and healing him, Azhure blah-blahs about how she met the GateKeeper, and Axis whines about how he’s lost touch “with all my power” and “I never thought that life could be so barren. I am useless!”

Yeah, now he’s officially crossed the line into whining and self-pity. Shut up, Axis. I just stopped feeling the least bit sorry for you.

Azhure declares that she’s going to fix it, and says she’ll do it “by letting the entire power of the Star Dance consume us”. Somehow this sounds like an extraordinarily bad idea, and Axis agrees. I wish we could have some description of what he looks like now, but nope. I suspect the author is afraid of grossing us out, because then we won’t like him any more. Because the only reason to like the jackass in the first place was because he, like, totally looks cool and handsome and shit. You know, just like Edward Cullen.

Outside the gods have assembled, though it’s nowhere near as cool as when the Avengers assemble, and for some reason they all kiss Belial (on the mouth! How European!). They tell him they’ve “come to witness” and for some reason they want him to join in. Dude's been witnessing plenty of Sue bullshit already without needing any permission from you lot, you pretentious jackass.

Cut back to Axis and Azhure. He’s still protesting, but she persuades him with some nauseating “romantic” dialogue about how much they looove and trust each other. I’m still not buying it that they’re in a relationship, author. They have nothing in common, and I still refuse point-blank to ignore all the horrible abusive shit Axis did to her.

They hold each other with his face buried in her tits (yes, really), and Azhure gets him to synchronise his heartbeat with hers, which he does. Somehow. I don’t think that’s physically possible, or at least not without specialised training. There’s a lot of description of how intimate it is, and then Azhure tells him to share their heartbeat with the Star Dance, whatever the hell that means. He does, and then the Star Dance “consume[s] him”.

It’s weird and… well, weird, but suffice it to say Axis has been reconnected with the magical music thingy, and the gods declare how amazing this is and then leave, telling Belial to tell his grandkids about how he met the Star Gods one day. As opposed to never telling anyone about the time someone must have slipped him some magic mushrooms. (And no, this will never go anywhere).

Cut back to Axis and Azhure, drifting among the stars, and Axis suddenly knows a bunch of stuff about it, specifically that the Star Dance is apparently sentient and didn’t like being used to kill, so it fucked him over. Sooo... in the previous book when he used it to kill shit, that didn't count? Also there never were any Songs of War; it’s all just a myth. Which… actually, would explain why the Icarii had oh so conveniently “forgotten” how to use them. Consider that plothole plugged very nicely – credit where credit is due, if this is a retcon it’s handled well enough that you wouldn’t know it.

Azhure makes a speech about how Axis is one with the Star Dance and how she’s the Moon and how they’re magically bound together by the mysteries of the universe and… whatnot. Quit celebrating this bullshit relationship, author – it’s not going to work.

Axis discovers that he can fix himself, and it’s implied that they start fucking. In space. Kinky.

Uh, guys? I'm no expert, but you'll probably have to take your underwear off first.

They return to the real world and Axis is all fixed up. Told you so. Azhure declares that she couldn’t have lived without him (WHY? I still have no idea why Axis is such a wonderful mate, author). And yes, the whole thing really was just fixed with The Power Of Love™. I’ll wait until you’ve finished facepalming. Hell, you’ll have to wait until I’VE finished facepalming.

Azhure tells him about the whole Star God thing, and Axis is pretty accepting of the whole “you’re a god now” business, and adds that it’s no wonder they couldn’t “deny each other” at Beltide.

Uh, no, Axis. Azhure made it very clear that she was uncomfortable as hell with the whole situation while you talked to her as if she was a disobedient dog for not coming when you called. For sex, which you repeatedly and loudly demanded. Stop trying to convince us that was anything other than a rape scene, author. It’s not working, and the more you try that on the more offensive and horrible it gets.

The topic moves on to the twins, and Azhure finally suggests that maybe they just need a little love. Whereupon Axis laughs and dismisses the idea, saying she doesn’t believe it either.

Yup, just be neglectful, unloving parents. No point in trying to connect with your kids or make it up to them or anything – that’s just silly!

And then the subject is dropped entirely in favour of talking about Artor and the gryphons. See? I told you these two were going to be horrible, borderline abusive parents. And yes, emotional neglect is legally considered a form of child abuse. Are we really supposed to be surprised later on when – spoilers – DragonStar tries to kill someone?

Axis freaks on hearing that there are more gryphons, but Azhure blithely announces that she’ll kill them all, and also she and Faraday will take care of Artor. Wow, way to completely neuter your Chosen One character. The two biggest threats in the story and he can’t and won’t deal with either of them. All he has to do is deal with Gorgrael, the wimpiest villain ever. Azhure has now become so much of a Sue that she’s rendered the supposed main hero completely superfluous to the plot.

Wonderful.

Azhure tells him he has to go to the Avar on “Fire-Night” and they’ll make the Rainbow Sceptre. Dictionary.com defines a sceptre as an emblem of authority, not a weapon. Near as I can tell it’s never been a name for any type of weapon, ever. And yet this is what Axis is going to kill Gorgrael with.

Believe it or not, this is only a slight jokey exaggeration. This is pretty much what the thing will look like. Yes, it looks like a disco ball on a stick. Yes, I laughed too when I got to that bit.

Mind you, I’m betting King Zog from Disenchanted could’ve pulled it off – he throws a scepter pretty damn impressively.

That show is criminally underrated. Sue me.

Then Axis brings up the bit in the stupid prophecy about his “Lover’s pain” distracting him, and warns her that Gorgrae- you know what? I’m calling him “Gorge” from now on. Because it’s less annoying, funnier, and easier to type. He warns her that Gorge might “snatch you”, and Azhure laughs it off with “I should like to see him try”. Must… not… strangle… Sue…

She then adds that they don’t have to worry about the Pointlessly Capitalised Traitor any more, because now they know who it is. Axis, the dimbulb, actually takes a moment to process this. Traitor? Whut? Oh right, that guy you were literally thinking about murderising in the last chapter for betraying you. Did Axis lose some IQ points when he got Deus Ex Machina’d back to full health? He had few enough to lose in the first place, so that can't be good.

He then declares that he has no idea “what it was that drove him to Gorge’s service”. Because like most narcissists, Axis has absolutely no comprehension of the fact that some people might not like him for justified reasons.

Cut to Belial and the other commanders hanging around outside. Apparently they’ve sat up all night, so I guess it’s time for the – sigh – big reveal that Axis is magically better again. Rimmer asks about the visit from the gods and whether they can be trusted, and then Margarita starts talking about the weather. Yup, we’re literally wasting our time watching minor characters discuss the freaking weather. EPIC FANTASY ADVENTURE!!!1

"Actually, I'm just here to tell you about the amazing new health insurance policy no fantasy land inhabitant should be without! With our very reasonable premiums and negotiable terms, you can't afford not to go with DragonCo!"
"Can we just fight already?"
"I'm afraid that would be in violation of customer service policy, sir."

SpikeFeather complains that the Icarii are going to develop “wing rot” if they have to keep hanging around in the damp. Yeah, too bad that there’s this thing called condensation up in the sky, which they probably encounter on the regular. Idiot.

After two pages wasted on blah-blah, Axis comes out of the tent… naked. Belial starts laughing and hugs Naked Axis.

…I’m uncomfortable.

Everyone’s all happy happy joy joy with the laughing and the crying and whatnot, and once again I’m struck by the bizarre feeling of mental disconnect you get when everyone inexplicably loves a character you’re well aware has no redeeming features. It’s like I’m reading a Cassandra Clare novel.

Axis’ horse with the Spanish name actually breaks his halter and rushes over to join him, and Axis hops on and rides over to address “thousands” of ecstatic troops, and makes a big dramatic proclaimation about how they’re riding for Sigholt, and then launching an assault on the oh so imaginatively named Ice Fortress.

…and he does all of this with absolutely no mention of having put any clothes on. In fact it’s impossible for him to have put on some clothes, because we get a description of literally everything that happens between him coming out of the tent naked and him jumping on his horse.

Which means he did all of this in the nude.

This has to be one of the most unintentionally funny things Douglass has ever written. Her hero is literally riding around on a mighty stallion making big dramatic speeches with his dick out. And nobody even notices.

Oh, and he ends his speech with “What can stop us now?”

You have a literal GOD on your side. YOU are a god. Why are you even bothering? Hell, why is the author even bothering to make it look like there’s the slightest modicum of suspense left? The main villain is mentally handicapped and the main heroes are GODS. And, perhaps more pertinently, Sues. Do we seriously need another entire half of the book to build our way up to one of the biggest foregone conclusions ever written?

I can’t even remember about 90% of what happens from this point forward, but I’m willing to lay money that it will be filler.

Lots and lots of filler. Oh, and Sue praise. Gotta have that too.

If anyone needs me I’ll be in the supply closet, eating sugar packets.

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