StarMan Sporking: Part Sixteen

[pangolin20]

epistler posting in antishurtugal_reborn Nov. 1st, 2018 09:37 am

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StarMan Sporking: Part Sixteen

We’re now 70% of the way through the book, according to my Kindle copy, and virtually nothing has actually happened. No, giving the new favoured character endless power-ups and Sue praise doesn’t count as a plot. Not unless you’re Paolini, anyway. (ZING!).

We’re back with Azhure Sue, currently riding at ridiculous speeds. Apparently she’s “wrapped [snip] her horse in so much power” that she’s been able to make a ten day journey in less than three. Huh, so that’s how Eragon did it. And I still really wish the author would bother to explain what she means by “power”.

They reach Sigholt, and the stupid talking bridge moans about how the Sue Baby is gone. Azhure goes inside and finds Rivkah and Cazna moping around. She confronts Cazna with an angry “well?”. Cut to Cazna’s POV, and she’s traumatised as hell thanks to having witnessed Amoeba’s gruesome death. Might I remind you, she’s a fucking teenager. But you just know she’s going to be expected to shoulder the blame for all this. Oh, and I think we can safely say that the author did indeed forget that she was supposed to be pregnant, because given that Faraday has just given birth, and Faraday got pregnant after Cazna, she should have given birth too by now. This literally could have been fixed with one line of dialogue about how she lost the baby in the first trimester, or how the pregnancy turned out to be a false alarm (or she made it up so she could marry Belial). Anything. Instead, we just get a honking great continuity error.

She explains what happened, and Azhure demands to know why she’s still alive. When Cazna answers that she shielded DragonStar with her body, Azhure responds with this:

“Would that he was the one taken, Azhure thought”.

Wow, someone nominate this bitch for Mother of the Year.

Cazna continues to describe what happened, and typical of a lot of badly written characters she does it while sounding like part of the prose:

“…but he paused, his talons red with Imibe’s blood, then stepped back. ‘A witness,’ he said, ‘Good.’”

Does that sound anything like dialogue to you? Because it sure as hell doesn’t to me. And especially not given that she’s supposed to be describing something insanely traumatic. Traumatic moments do not grant the power of instant recall, for fuck’s sake!

Azhure continues to rage rather than show any sympathy to the poor kid, then says she’s going to rescue the Sue Baby, and that it’s better if she dies than Axis. Uh-huh. (You can so tell the author didn't agree with that).

She goes up onto the roof, where she’s somehow able to feel the Sue Baby’s “terror” and “feel his scream”, etc. …yet another power as the plot demands, I see.

She has a good cry and thinks about how she’s exhausted herself by rushing over here so fast and what can she do, etc. This of course means that someone is going to randomly show up in the next five minutes and magically fix that for her, because Sues don’t rely on cunning or resourcefulness.

Sure enough, Adamon shows up. Or as I’m going to call him now, Adam. He gives Azhure huggles and Sue praise, and then says Gorge is far more dangerous than Artor. In other words, slightly more threatening than a narcoleptic quadruple amputee. He explains that if Azhure goes rushing in like an idiot Gorge will kill the murder puppies and break the Wolven, and then “enjoy” her for weeks. In other words, rape. Because That’s What Villains Do.

Azhure “bravely” insists on going anyway, and Adam outlines some plan we don’t get to see. Henceforth the plan will succeed.

Cut to Azhure some time later, standing in the moonlight with her clothes off. Naturally we get a big description of her “raven hair” and “ivory skin”, etc. etc. Adam is there creepily staring, and tells her to “bathe me in your light”, and then do the same with Tencendor, which she does. This somehow results in her being able to see everything the moonlight touches. She sees the magical lakes which, uh, “wink” at her. Lakes can do that now? She sees Axis and tells him to “dream on”, a moment which is unintentionally funny if you were alive during the 90s.

Yeah, Axis – you think you’re still the main hero of this story? Dream on, loser.

She reaches the Ice Fortress, and then goes inside. Basically, she’s using astral projection. Astral projection which comes right the fuck out of nowhere, the moment the plot requires it. In other words, Deus Ex Machina.

Or as I’ve now dubbed it, Sue Ex Machina. Is there a TV Trope for that? There should be.

Azhure feeds Gorge a dream about herself. Predictably, Gorge is swept away by how omg beautiful™ she is. In fact, everybody is, all over the country. They’re all dreaming about her.

Naked.

Yes, you read that correctly. Azhure just sent nudes to the entire fucking country. And a whole heap of them react by getting horny. Including Gorge, who’s never seen “a woman deprived of her clothes” before. This causes him to have his first wet dream. Also, his tongue flops out of his mouth like a cartoon character. The only thing missing is the eyeballs leaping out of his face with humorous love-heart shaped pupils, and possibly the old classic, the heart going “boing!”. Dream Azhure starts coming onto him, and apparently she wants him to blow his load early, because she keeps telling him to “come”, over and over again.

And no, this scene is clearly not supposed to be funny.

Gorge wakes up grabbing for her, and then sees her holding the Sue Baby. Apparently she was actually saying “come” to the kid.

Gorge being the idiot that he is, only thinks of grabbing the baby off her so he can fuck her. Because all males keep their brains in their dicks, according to this author. How very insulting.

Azhure-Sue magically disappears with her precious Sue Baby, and Gorge ends up screwing the floor. Well, that’s what it says. It flat-out says “he coupled with nothing but the rough stone floor”. Ouch. I hope he applied some lube first.

And just like that the hostage situation is over and done with. Thus rendering the entire thing – you guessed it – entirely pointless.

Adding to the painful levels of Sue in this scene, as the dream of Azhure ends “men and women [cry] in loss” because they stopped seeing her, bawww. Because there are no asexuals in this la-la land. Everybody wants Azhure’s perfect ivory-skinned Sue ass. And yes, our "feminist" hero really did just save the day by being sexy and alluring as opposed to brave or cunning, and the author took every opportunity to objectify the living hell out of her. Because this book is misogynistic tripe.

Meanwhile Gorge realises who that actually was, and proceeds to throw a baby fit. He sends his gryphons out to kill something, he doesn’t care what, and then thinks of a target.

But they have quality homewares at very reasonable prices! How could you?

The next chapter is called “Drago”. Uh-oh, I remember this chapter. It’s time to see Azhure act like a tyrant for realsies.

Azhure Sue reappears in Sigholt with the Sue Baby. Horror of horrors, the Sue Baby is covered in “lacerations and bruises”. I guess we’re supposed to be upset about that. But I’m not. Azhure and Adam have a bit of a boo-hoo about this, and Azhure angsts about how the “experience has touched his soul”. The Sue Baby then has another go at being cute as he calls her Mama and says “You came”. I thought you were the one who was supposed to be ejaculating, Caelum. She specifically told you to in the last chapter. And good little boys and girls do what Mummy says!

Adam Sue praises Azhure a bit, and Azhure gives what I think is supposed to be a witty line as she laughs and says “It is more than the Destroyer’s pride that is bent out of shape this night, I think!”

*whispers* She’s talking about his peeeenis.

Cut to the next scene, in which Rivkah comes out for breakfast and finds Azhure sitting pretty with the Sue Baby. Naturally we’re reminded for the 10,000^th time that she’s “beautiful”. Azhure asks Rivkah if she dreamed about her last night and it’s confirmed that yes, everyone including her freaking mother in law had a wet dream about her. Predictably, Azhure makes fun of her and also the “pageboy” who’s serving them breakfast while blushing. Excuse me, but why was this necessary? At all?

There I go again with the rhetorical questions. None of this was necessary.

The Sue Baby wakes up and – what else? – Sue-praises Azhure. She decides to go and have a word with her other kids, and for the absolute first time ever the Sue Baby acts like an actual baby, as when Azhure tries to give him to Rivkah he starts screaming his head off and won’t let go of his mumsy. Wow, he’s actually capable of being traumatised? Who knew? (And it's going to last all of five minutes, too!).

Next up Azhure goes and has a chat with the talking bridge. Yes, I’m afraid that’s still a thing. The bridge spills the beans about DragonStar. Oh dear.

Cut to Cazna being shocked as Azhure comes striding into her room with Caelum. For some reason Rivkah, that old cook with no fingernails, and the never before seen captain of the garrison are with her. Azhure is in full icy rage mode, and demands to know where DragonStar is.

Cazna goes and gets the kid, and Azhure declares that she’s going to do something and it won’t be “very pleasant”, and she wants to do it in front of witnesses. On the roof for some reason. And she wants the Sue Baby to watch because he’ll “benefit from the witnessing”.

Er.

They go up there, and for some damn reason there’s a table set up. With a tablecloth. And a couple of Icarii Enchanters. Cazna, watching, has no idea what’s going on and thinks that “something bad was about to happen”. Which it is.

Hey, remember the last book, in which Axis beat the shit out of Azhure and almost murdered her because he thought she’d done something bad? Apparently she learned exactly the wrong lesson from that, because rather than examine the evidence or ask any questions, or consult the kid’s father, she’s now going to hand out cruel and unusual punishment to DragonStar. She’s not going to find out what his motivations were, or whether Gorge tricked him into this given that he’s a BABY, or anything like that. Nope. Due process is for losers, and the Sue’s perception always 100% matches reality.

Adding to the uncomfortableness of this scene, she orders for DragonStar to be stripped naked. Why? Because. The author just likes naked babies, apparently. When Cazna protests, Azhure “hisses” at her and insults her by saying she has an “over-soft mind”. She adds that DragonStar has “such strength of ill-will”, and then orders Cazna to back the fuck off.

You are a bitch, Azhure.

Azhure makes a little speech about how Icarii babies have adult level intelligence, Enchanters even more so, and she wants everyone to be able to hear what DragonStar is saying. She adds that there’s a spell for making the “mind-voice audible to human ears”.

Note the use of the word human. In that Azhure now apparently considers herself not human, bur rather a higher order of being. Does this woman’s ego know no bounds?

The two Enchanters proceed to cast that spell, and now everyone can hear DragonStar. He calls her a whore for “offering your body to the man who so abused you!”. And I’m afraid I really can’t argue with that. Azhure might be an egotist, but where Axis is concerned she has absolutely no self respect.

Azhure sneers back that she’d take it as a compliment if she thought he actually cared about her. Dude, he was born pissed off because he knows exactly what that asshole did to you. I’d say he does care. A lot. He adds that she doesn’t deserve “such a son as me”, and I already know without turning the page that Azhure is going to “ironically” agree with him because he’s Just So Evil. (…and she’s not).

…and I’m proven entirely correct on the next page. Groan.

DragonStar yells about how he’s more powerful and more deserving than the Sue Baby, and then insults Azhure for having had sex more than once. Wow, fuck you, you little brat. He also calls Cazna a “stupid bitch”, which makes her cry.

Might I remind you, this is still supposed to be a baby talking. Where did he get such a potty mouth anyway?

DragonStar, apparently having been handed enough rope to hang himself with, blithely confesses everything and then sneers at Azhure that there’s nothing she can do to him short of killing him. Which Cazna is fully willing to believe she would do. Wow, that says… nothing good, does it?

The kid sits there, completely confident that Azhure wouldn’t have the spine to hurt her own child. Which if Azhure actually had a compassionate, loving heart the way we keep being told would be true. Instead, Azhure starts making a cold little speech about how much DragonStar sucks, and how he gets his power from his Icarii blood, but he also has human in him. Right out of nowhere she explains that it’s somehow possible to twist things around so the Icarii genes become recessive, or some bullshit like that, and she has the power to do that. Somehow. Because reasons. With precisely zero foreshadowing.

Indeed Azhure actually seems to be enjoying herself as she lays out in detail how she’s going to condemn the kid to “a human life” with no wings, unable to touch the stupid Star Dance ever again, and also condemned to a regular human lifespan. She even goes into nasty detail about how he’s going to “age and die” while his siblings stay young and beautiful. And if the reader is in any doubt whatsoever that she’s actively trying to be as horrible and cruel as possible in this scene, she straight-up says that the final “worst cruelty of all” she’s going to inflict is turning him into a regular human baby, with no adult level intelligence or vocabulary.

Because regular human babies suck, apparently. You racist bastard. Why are so many fantasy novels so goddamn anti-human?

Azhure continues with the nastiness, saying she’s also stripping him of his Icarii name because he won’t be needing it any more, while DragonStar screams in horror. Oh, and then she pretends to feel sorry, as we get a token mention of tears choking her voice.

And bam, just like that, DragonStar goes silent and starts acting like a regular baby. There wasn’t even any mention of Azhure actually using magic. She just described what would happen and the author Made It So.

Wow. That was a whole new level of horror. A character was literally just stripped of his mind. By his own mother. When he’s like two months old. Talk about I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream. And you just know Axis is going to be 100% fine with this when he finds out, because Azhure Sue Is Always Right.

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