Brisingr Spork Part 49: Hands of a Warrior

[pangolin20]

theepistler wrote in antishurtugal, 2018-08-03 11:25:00

LOCATION: United States, Seattle
MOOD: awake

Brisingr Spork: Chapter 49 - The Hands of a Warrior

And we’re now onto the third consecutive chapter of blah-blah! Awesome.

We open with Eragon eating “a warm, sweet strawberry”, a description which sounds needlessly sexual to me. There we go again with Paolini and his INNUENDO!!1 This is the sort of thing you want in a love scene. You know, something like this: “Sandra nibbled on the warm, sweet strawberry as her gaze roved teasingly over Jason’s face and then down over his bronzed, rippling chest. She licked and sucked at the sweet fruit, knowing she was driving him wild with desire. Jason’s eyes glittered, and he growled with lust.”

And then Sandra reached for the whipped cream.

After eating the sexy fruit Eragon “open[ed] his mouth to speak”, which is classic over-writing. When you find yourself describing things that are such common knowledge even babies know about it, you should probably dial it back a little. Or, you know, a lot.

Either way Oromis interrupts with “What now?”, then goes on to ask what Ergs and Saphira are hoping to accomplish while they’re here.

I’d like to note here that Eragon seems to have completely forgotten about the whole “Brom is your father” thing, because he doesn’t even mention it. He should be exploding with questions, wanting to know everything there is to know about his, y’know, dad (if it was me, I’d be immediately asking whether Brom had any other surviving family so I can go and find them). But nope. It’s only a revelation that’s changed your entire world-view and sense of identity – no biggie. This ties back into the issue a lot have people have had with this series – namely that Eragon, the supposedly “curious” character, only asks questions as and when it suits the author. If Paolini doesn’t feel like writing about it, then Eragon isn’t going to bring it up. It’s one of the biggest indications of the fact that Eragon is a puppet, not a character, and that Paolini doesn’t think of him as a person with his own inner life. Rather he thinks of him as an action figure who exists to live out his own personal fantasies and writes him accordingly, which is a huge disserve to both the characters and the story.

[Caption: 'Playing with your dolls again' gif from Spaceballs]

Instead, Eragon tells Oromis about Angela’s annoying prophecy. Oromis rubs his lip, an action which takes Paolini eleven words to get across, and says he’s heard of Angela a fair bit, and that she reminds him of someone who once visited Off-Brand Lothlorien, albeit under a different name. He offers a description, including “thick, curly brown hair” and “flashing eyes”, and “a wit that is as sharp as it is odd”.

First – I spy an Hermione ripoff with the hair (especially so given that Angela Paolini does not have curly hair, and nor is she a brunette. I’ve seen pictures). Second, what the hell do “flashing eyes” look like? I’m picturing someone with a set of headlights for eyes. And finally, Angela does not have a “sharp wit”. Nor would I really describe her supposed wit as “odd”. Rather she just spouts random nonsense constantly, and everyone finds this all very funny for some reason.

[Caption: Gif from a Harry Potter film: Harry says 'But I am the Chosen One' and Hermione whacks him on the head with a book.]

He then Sue praises Angela, calling her “extraordinary”. Extraordinarily annoying for a more-like. After that he basically just tells Eragon to forget about the whole prophecy thing, because eh – what are you gonna do. This is one of several instances in this book (and the next one too) of the characters having very fatalistic “you can’t fight fate so don’t even try” attitudes. In fact I’d say it’s one of the only clear morals this series has – that you should just resign yourself to your fate and not be overly fussed about that whole free will business. It’s not a moral I can like at all, nor is it a very heroic attitude to have. It also becomes quite jarring when applied to Roran, who in other respects is depicted as very self-willed, but who also randomly decides that Bird Git is going to kill him one day, but oh well. Nothin’ he can do about it. Is everyone in this series clinically depressed or something?

[Caption: Gif from Rick and Morty: A boy says to his mother: 'Nobody exists on purpose', 'Nobody belongs anywhere', 'Everbody's gonna die', and then says 'Come watch TV?']

At least Rick and Morty made horrifying existentialism funny and thought-provoking.

Now Oromis talks about what Serious Booty told Eragon re. the Vault of Souls and the weapon under the Menoa Tree. He says he’s never heard anything about any such weapon, so Eragon should probably just give up (again with the “don’t even try” theme, which now I think about it rather suits Paolini's attitude of "nothing is original so don't even bother"). Instead, he explains that there are only two other Rider swords left with the elves, and no we never do find out where the hell the rest of them went, other than a brief mention in book four of Galbatorix having a bunch of them stashed away. One of them is in an elf city called Nädindel, which I’m pretty sure has never been previously mentioned and will probably never be mentioned again. Hell, I’m not even sure if it’s on the map.

The other sword, Támerlein, is right here, in the custody of “House Valtharos”. Okay, hold the phone – since when did the elves have noble houses? Hell, they don’t even live in houses – they live in trees. And how to they have family lines and whatnot when they’re about as fertile as your average mule and don’t believe in marriage? I spy another example of Paolini jamming in an idea from someone else’s book without realising it doesn’t fit.

Anyway, Eragon – entitled brat that he is – assumes he’ll be allowed to take the sword and asks what if it doesn’t “fit” him. Oromis says he should go talk to Rhunon the elf smith, who apparently made every Rider sword, ever. Without ever once taking an apprentice, apparently, as she’s literally the only one who can do this, so too bad she’s sworn an oath to never make another sword.

Then Eragon, who is supposed to be on a time limit here, blithely asks what they should do for the rest of the day, implying that he doesn’t have to do anything until tomorrow. Just how bloody entitled is this kid? There’s a war on! People are dying! Saphira nearly killed herself flying here in a hurry! And now you’re acting like you have time to sit around nomming on sexy strawberries and shooting the shit? The fuck is wrong with you?

Then when Oromis tells him to go and see the Menoa Tree and then go to bed, he actually has the gall to whine about how they don’t have time. If you don’t have time, why are you sitting around like a melon, Eragon?

Oromis is all like nah, you need your beauty sleep after the heavy conversation we just had (you know, the one Eragon is currently acting as if it never happened). Eragon then feels “uneasy” and has a “sense of urgency”. Then why are you not acting with the slightest bit of urgency, Ergs? Show don't tell, Paolini. How many times must we tell you this?

Oromis basically pats him on the head and offers to teach him anything about magic he wants. Ergs fiddles with his ring, Paolini again being apparently unaware that this makes him look as if he’s not paying attention, and then asks if Oromis can teach him how to summon spirits. Oromis lectures him about how spirit summoning is “dark and unseemly”, and – oh, this is rich – “you should not seek to control other beings for your own gain”. You mean like how Eragon controlled Sloan? Or are we still ignoring that and/or pretending it was a good thing?

Oromis continues with the lecturing, saying it’s way too easy to end up becoming a Shade if you mess around with spirits. He then adds that if Eragon uses the One Ring, then through him it would wield a power too great and terrible to speak of. Well okay, what he actually says that there’s never been a Shade Rider before, and that it would be “an abomination [snip] worse even than Galbatorix”. You mean, the guy who has done NOTHING in this entire series so far? How is old Galbs an abomination, Oromis? I’m getting a whiff of sour grapes again. Smug elvish prick.

So instead Eragon asks Oromis to teach him his true name. Oromis answers that he might be able to guess it… because they know each other really really well, right? Or is this just another special Mary Sue elf ability? It remains a moot point in any case, as Oromis blah-blahs about how the journey to finding one’s true name means getting more “wisdom” along the way, a line which is just plain hilarious if you’ve read the next book and know just how easily Ergs learns his True Name and how much he learns in the process (spoilers: he learns absolutely nothing and remains just as tooth-grindingly lacking in self-awareness as before). Oromis adds that “A person must earn enlightenment, Eragon. It is not handed down to you by others, regardless of how revered they be.” And that’s another line that’s hilariously ironic in hindsight, because, well… the Vault of Souls is a thing and so is all the bullshit philosophy the dragonballs in it are going to stuff straight into Eragon’s empty skull, tax free.

Anyway, so Ergs doesn’t learn his true name. He briefly thinks about Brom, and then remembers Arya sending the egg to him. He asks Oromis to teach him the teleport spell, and Oromis agrees. And this leads me to the realisation that there’s a major plot hole with the whole magical teleportation thing, namely that when Arya used it, it caused a big fiery explosion. An explosion which will never be explained. And when Eragon teleports objects himself later on, no such thing happens. So, y’know – what the hell?

[Caption: Gif of an exploding house]
If only this was how Eragon teleporting those swords into the wall had ended.

Oromis then brings up the fact that Sloan is in Ellesmera, and Eragon is “astonished”. You sent him here, Durragon – why are you so surprised? Or was it that you weren’t actually expecting him to survive the trip? I’m betting he secretly wanted and expected Sloan to die along the way, so he wouldn’t live to tell anyone about the shitty thing Eragon did to him.

Indeed, Oromis says that Sloan almost did die on the way, and arrived badly injured. Because clearly the poor guy hasn’t suffered enough already. The elves patched him up, because elves care so much about humans, and he’s now being provided with food and clothes and is allowed to wander around if he wants to, but prefers to be alone.

Eragon asks if they’ve given the guy his eyesight back and the answer is no, and Glaedr smugly proclaims that Sloan is “broken inside [and] cannot see clearly enough for his eyes to be of any use.” How exactly is he supposed to change as a person when no-one’s giving him any guidance, might I ask? If anything, letting him sit around and stew like this is almost certainly just going to make him even more angry and miserable than he already was. Hell, he’s probably indulging in a whole lot of revenge fantasies right now. Has Paolini never heard of the concepts of compassion and forgiveness? He certainly doesn’t seem to think they’re worth much going on what he writes – Eragon and co. never forgive anyone who pisses them off. Indeed, Eragon seems to think Murtagh owes him an apology.

[Caption: Gif of man saying 'Know what a sociopath is?']

Being about as empathetic as a walnut, Eragon actually asks if he should go and visit Sloan, and Oromis says he probably should, adding that since he’s responsible for Sloan’s “punishment” he shouldn’t forget about him. Eragon says he won’t – yet another line that becomes hilarious in retrospect since in the next book when he returns to Elftown and stumbles across Sloan crying, he’s all like “ohshit I forgot all about him!”. Such a kind person our hero is.

Finally Oromis says Eragon should get going, but first he wants to give him a palm reading. Well, look at his hands to see “what they say about you now”, but I’m really not seeing a lot of difference. Oromis checks out the Hands, and tells Ergs he has “the hands of a warrior” and that he should be careful “they do not become the hands of a man who revels in the carnage of war”.

Too late.

And that's yet another chapter which accomplished absolutely nothing. Do none of these characters know when to shut the hell up?

28 comments

[1]

thegharialguy
August 3 2018, 12:43:49 Edited: August 3 2018, 12:55:40
A spork a day keeps the procrastination away!

Well it is pretty surprising that Sloan has got to Elfland already. He traversed the entire breath of the map in, what, a month? Two months? While Blind. To me it stinks of Paolini wanting to put the scene in because he knew he couldn't justify a return to Elfland during the course of the next book (at least preGalbatorix defeat).

When does Eragon use the teleportation magic? I completely forgot about this particular plot element.

[1A]

theepistler
August 4 2018, 15:01:55
Hah, good point. Is Sloan the Flash or what?

When does Eragon use the teleportation magic? I completely forgot about this particular plot element.

In the next book when they're trying to get into Galbatorix's castle. There's a hallway full of ridiculous traps right out of a video game, and Durragon gets them past one of them by teleporting some swords into the wall. And I think that's literally the only time it ever comes up.

[2]

snarkbotanya
August 3 2018, 16:38:20
Oromis lectures him about how spirit summoning is “dark and unseemly”, and – oh, this is rich – “you should not seek to control other beings for your own gain”. You mean like how Eragon controlled Sloan?

Or like how the elves control the dragons via blood-oath bullshit.

Well okay, what he actually says that there’s never been a Shade Rider before, and that it would be “an abomination [snip] worse even than Galbatorix”.

Ehehehehe... that line... that line gave me plans. Careful with those throwaway lines, Paolini; they give spitefic writers ideas!

[2A]

theepistler
August 3 2018, 17:35:35
There was a Shade dragon in the Storm Dragons fics, and that was pretty fuckin' metal. :-P

[2A1]

snarkbotanya
August 6 2018, 16:46:07
Oh man, Vervada! She was so messed up in so many ways... and it was awesome.

[3]

torylltales
August 3 2018, 17:01:57 Edited: August 3 2018, 17:02:40
I hope you like paying therapy bills, because my aunt is named Sandra, and I am now deeply traumatised. I don't think I'll be able to enjoy heterosexual sex ever again.

[3A]

theepistler
August 3 2018, 17:38:02
Just as well you weren't interested in it to begin with, then. ;-)

By the way, I've stopped getting email notifications when someone comments - is anyone else having this issue?

[3A1]

syntinen_laulu
August 3 2018, 20:15:57
Yes, I've had (or rather not had) that for months now. I posted up a support request, in the course of which I noticed that someone else had recently posted a similar request, but no response. Seems to be a thing.

[3A1A]

theepistler
August 3 2018, 20:31:48
It only just started happening to me today for some reason. I got up in the morning to a bunch of notification emails, but then they just... stopped coming.

It's quite irritating.

[3A1B]

theepistler
August 4 2018, 22:33:03
Great, now it's notifying me about comments completely at random. Stupid bloody LJ. I wish we'd switched to Dreamwidth when we had the chance.

[4]

hergrim
August 3 2018, 18:07:01
This is one of several instances in this book (and the next one too) of the characters having very fatalistic “you can’t fight fate so don’t even try” attitudes. In fact I’d say it’s one of the only clear morals this series has – that you should just resign yourself to your fate and not be overly fussed about that whole free will business.

I wonder if Paolini is getting the ultimate fatalism of Norse sagas but missing the fact that almost everyone in them tries to fight fate. Norse mythology is pretty bleak, with the entire world doomed to be destroyed in fire (but then reborn) and almost everyone with it, but Odin still does everything he can to fight that fate. And, when Arrow-Odd is told that he will be killed by his horse, he kills said horse and buries it in order to avoid his fate. 300 years later, he visits his home as a kind of "fuck you" to fate and slips on the skull of his horse, which disturbs the viper nesting inside, which bites and kills him.

You can't fight fate in the sagas, but you can certainly give it a damn good try.

[4A]

torylltales
August 3 2018, 20:08:25
Also see: Greek tragedies. Especially Oedipus.

[4A1]

hergrim
August 5 2018, 13:22:15
They just don't make them like they used to.

[4B]

theepistler
August 3 2018, 20:30:36
Yeah, it kinda does feel like he's going for that fatalistic, Nordic mythology attitude. But as you say, the Norse heroes weren't the kind of people to lie down and let fate do whatever it wanted - it's half of what makes them so compelling. Eragon and Co., by contrast, just shrug and resign themselves to never getting any say in what happens to them.

[4B1]

thegharialguy
August 3 2018, 22:55:02
Well their attitude is at least rational considering the universe seems to be bending backwards to make them win. Can't really complain about fate and destiny when pretty much everything is going your way.

[4B1A]

theepistler
August 3 2018, 23:09:21
Hah, true. That would be great material for a Deadpool-like parody, actually - Mary Sue realises s/he is a Sue, and goes "AWESOME! I can do whatever the fuck I want! Zero consequences! Everyone will automatically love me and I will never lose anything I care about! CRIME SPREE MOTHERFUCKERS!"

[4B1A1]

thegharialguy
August 3 2018, 23:38:58
I think that's Lu Bu's arc in Romance of the Three Kingdoms, until eventually everyone gets sick of him and cuts off his head.

[4B2]

spylobster
August 4 2018, 01:06:32
I don't know, maybe the way it's written in the books makes it more clearly fatalistic, but your second example involving Roran deciding he could die at any time strikes me as a more nihilistic attitude than a fatalistic one. If it were fatalistic, Roran wouldn't think he could die at any time, he'd think that he'd die at a certain time/event and maybe in a certain way, doing a certain thing.

[4B2A]

theepistler
August 4 2018, 16:45:26
Eh, potato potato.

[4B2A1]

spylobster
August 5 2018, 15:16:45
I think there is a distinction between the two outlooks/philosophies. If anything, I see nihilism as sort of the opposite of fatalism since it posits that human life and the universe, in general, is without objective meaning or purpose. I find that this sort of clashes with fatalism since it's a philosophy that posits that things are pre-ordained and that people are destined to do things, something that doesn't really jive with the idea that nothing in the universe has any objective purpose.

Not trying to pick a fight or anything, just trying to explain why I think there is a difference between the two schools of thought.

[4B2A1A]

theepistler
August 5 2018, 16:19:04
I've edited the spork if that makes you feel any better.

[4B2A1A1]

thegharialguy
August 6 2018, 14:15:24
They're a nihilist. Nothing's going to make them feel better.

Watch on YouTube

[4B2A1A1A]

theepistler
August 6 2018, 17:23:58
See, this is why I don't like the hardcore Rick and Morty fans.

[5]

torylltales
August 3 2018, 20:40:59
Chapter is titled "The hands of a warrior".

Chapter barely even has anything to do with hands, let alone warrior's hands or related issues.

- they eat fruit
- they talk about:
- - Angela
- - not worrying about the prophecy
- - potential avenues for sword-acquirement
- - not to summon spirits
- - it is difficult to discover one's own true name
- - Sloan
- - Eragon's hands are metaphorically (possibly still literally?) stained with the blood of the countless hundreds who have fallen to his various methods of murder.


Why does Paolini seem to be fascinated with naming chapters after a throwaway line that has nothing whatsoever to do with what actually happens in the chapter? There again, if Paolini's titles accurately depicted the chapter contents, 9 out of ever 10 chapters would be titled "Discussing Tangentially Related Trivia"

[5A]

theepistler
August 4 2018, 10:26:44
Alternative chapter title: Chapter 49: Eragon Continues To Waste Time.

[6]

minionnumber2
August 6 2018, 16:29:33
Oromis checks out the Hands, and tells Ergs he has “the hands of a warrior”...

He keeps them in a sack in his tent.

[6A]

Anonymous
August 6 2018, 19:53:02
With the teeth he takes off the battlefield.

~hidden_urchin

[6A1]

theepistler
August 6 2018, 20:05:16
A few more teeth and he can finally complete his checkers set!